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BlazingCold · Dec 21, 2006, 06:54 AM

Talaniman said it all:

1. ACCEPT IT'S OVER, no matter what your heart might tell you.

2. Grieve, you have lost an important part of your life, you must allow time for this step or you'll never get over the ex.

3. Move on... long process that for some never really ends, but you will become a fully functional person again, open to new experiences and relationship

I don't think the feelings for an ex you truly loved ever go away, but by using NC, you can dull the stabbing pain of loss

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 21, 2006, 06:55 AM

I always think it is a good thing to leave things on good terms but that's not always how it turns out.

It does not really matter, like tal says you need to accept that it is over for good.

Actually, if you are questioning how you have left things, then maybe you have not truly accepted it is over because if you had, then you probably would not care how you left it, you would just put it down to experience..

Being rejected like this onlineguy is a tough and very painful experience but it is a time to become strong and acceptance is a VERY big factor here.

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 21, 2006, 07:09 AM

Originally Posted by BlazingCold

I don't think the feelings for an ex you truly loved ever go away, but by using NC, you can dull the stabbing pain of loss

This is why we use No Contact..

Not to win them back but to get healthy and move on!

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 21, 2006, 07:53 AM

Look at it this way... You will have learned some valuable lessons in life especially if this is the first time you have been dumped and especially if this was for you, true love..

Love will find you again, yet if you lose it again then at least second time around, you will be much better equipped to deal with it. If you can pull through it having not gone through it before, then 2nd time it will be easy peasy :) , well it will still hurt but like I say, you will be better equipped.

To put all of this into perspective, think of it as a chapter in you life that was beautiful, it had it's ups and downs but you will remember the fond memories of the love you both had. Love will always be there for the one you lost but that does not mean you cannot find it again through someone else.

Also, the next chapter need not include love or relationships, well it can include love but love for oneself and for LIFE..

There are so many things we take for granted that we don't realise what we really have. I think opening your eyes to all the suffering and pain there is in the world is in itself an eye opener and in doing so, it brings you to realise that what you have is good and your loss whilst it may seem significant, in the big scheme of things, it really is not.

kay13 · Dec 21, 2006, 12:15 PM

It can't be said enough that the NC rule should not be used as a tool to get an ex back. It's sole purpose is to help yourself. After months of no contact it doesn't hurt as much, after years it's a distant memory. You can't possibly stay in love with someone who is no longer in your life in any way, shape or form. It works, that's why it's promoted so much.

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 21, 2006, 04:06 PM

Originally Posted by kay13

It can't be said enough that the NC rule should not be used as a tool to get an ex back. It's sole purpose is to help yourself. After months of no contact it doesn't hurt as much, after years it's a distant memory. You can't possibly stay in love with someone who is no longer in your life in any way, shape or form. It works, that's why it's promoted so much.

I have a question..
Taking into account what you said above, don't you still carry the love inside.. I mean if you truly did love them, then it might not hurt anymore when you have moved on but would you carry that love inside anyway and always love them?

s_cianci · Dec 21, 2006, 06:52 PM

I think that if you make the effort to get the relationship back the negative feelings at the end are all the worse because the dumpee is then left with the additional anger and regret that his/her efforts to salvage the relationship didn't work. You definitely want to part on whatever terms are best for you and usually that means having no more contact, just letting them go and getting on with your life with the other person no longer a part of it.

kay13 · Dec 22, 2006, 03:09 AM

Hi Geoff, when I said you can't stay in love with them I meant to the extent of that person being a part of your life, together with the feelings that being 'in love' bring.

Yes I still carry that love and always will, I know that now. What I was trying to do in the beginning was to stop loving him in the hope it would stop hurting. I've now learned that I have to accept that I will always love him, stop denying my own feelings but not to let my feelings effect my future happiness.

onlineguy · Jan 2, 2007, 03:32 PM

I have just downloaded and activated msn. Only to find that my ex and her friend have still kept my email details.

My ex asked me to leave her alone, which is what I have done. So why keep my details?

Every time she is online I will know and so will she. So should I delete and block her from MSN ?

She has messengered me and we are having a polite and general conversation, its killing me though ! I would love to be back together, but I dare not mention it.

talaniman · Jan 2, 2007, 04:43 PM

So should I delete and block her from MSN ?

She wants you to leave her alone so do it and delete the MSN. Why toture yourself with the polite conversation when you know you want more?

onlineguy · Jan 3, 2007, 09:59 AM

Hi there. I have just started talking to my ex on msn, but she is very distant and cold. Understandable as I had hurt her.

I just don't know how to proceed without pushing her away. Any suggestions?

The conversations are very brief, with her ending them to watch TV !

Tuscany · Jan 3, 2007, 10:23 AM

Send her one last message that leaves the ball in her court. Something about how you would like to hear from her again. But then do not initiate anymore contact. I believe others on this site call it the no contact rule. It seems to make sense to me.

If you have hurt her then chances are she needs time to heal. If you continue to contact her she will not be given the time she needs to heal. Step away and give her time, but let her know that when she is ready you would like to talk. Leave it at that, and wait until she comes to you.

onlineguy · Jan 3, 2007, 11:35 AM

Originally Posted by Tuscany

Send her one last message that leaves the ball in her court. Something about how you would like to hear from her again. But then do not initiate anymore contact. I believe others on this site call it the no contact rule. It seems to make sense to me.

If you have hurt her then chances are she needs time to heal. If you continue to contact her she will not be given the time she needs to heal. Step away and give her time, but let her know that when she is ready you would like to talk. Leave it at that, and wait until she comes to you.

Thank you for your help, we are just talking after a period of no contact. I am trying to rebuild the relationship, but I don't know the best way to proceed without pushing her away.

ForeverZero · Jan 3, 2007, 11:37 AM

It takes two to tango. YOU cannot rebuild the relationship, she has to participate in the process as well. It sounds to me like she's not ready to do that. I'd send a message saying how sorry you are for what you did, and you're interested in making it up to her, but if she doesn't want it you'll understand. Leave the ball in her court and tell her if she has something to say you're listening, but you're not going to force yourself on her.

talaniman · Jan 3, 2007, 04:30 PM

Originally Posted by onlineguy

Hi there. I have just started talking to my ex on msn, but she is very distant and cold. Understandable as I had hurt her.

I just dont know how to proceed without pushing her away. Any suggestions?

The conversations are very brief, with her ending them to watch tv !

Stop being scared and leave her alone to watch TV. Find a life without her.

chuff · Jan 3, 2007, 11:09 PM

Why are you contacting her at all?

onlineguy · Jan 4, 2007, 01:04 AM

Originally Posted by chuff

Why are you contacting her at all?

I had observed a period of no contact, I let her know I would like to be on speaking terms. I was on MSN and was very surprised that she had not deleted my emial details, but I did not initiate the contact, she messengered me and said hi.

I was just friendly and polite, passed the needy stage, and did not mention about us or the relationship.

I would like to try to build a new relationship with this woman. But I really do not know the best way to proceed without pushing her further away. What I don't want to do is be in a position of bugging her.

Any advice ?

chuff · Jan 4, 2007, 01:35 AM

Originally Posted by onlineguy

I had observed a period of no contact, I let her know I would like to be on speaking terms. I was on MSN and was very suprised that she had not deleted my emial details, but I did not initiate the contact, she messengered me and said hi.

I was just friendly and polite, passed the needy stage, and did not mention about us or the relationship.

I would like to try to build a new relationship with this woman. But I really do not know the best way to proceed without pushing her further away. What I don't want to do is be in a position of bugging her.

Any advice ?

Well I think since she contacted you first last time I would kind of play it by ear so to speak. If she contacts you and just says "hello" then answer back "hello, how are you?" If she doesn't answer that don't push any further. If she answers then reply to what she says. But don't go overboard and control or over rule the coversation. Let her guide it and answer according to what she says. But that's all. Perhaps over time she'll become more comfortable and you can talk in greater detail and about more topics. But if you want a relationship, even on the friend level, let her come to you and do it on her terms so she feels comfortable.

rol · Jan 4, 2007, 02:04 AM

<<but I did not initiate the contact, she messengered me and said hi.>>

OK sounds OK, and I agree with Chuff, take it very easy . She said hi , what did you reply exactly?
I think you really annoyed her with your comment about her ex so she is probably having trouble with this, but you have already apologised so no need to mention this again.
So nothing serious, just simple hi's and how are yous for some weeks. Ask her about christmas , tell her some funny presents you got or something that could make her laugh.

onlineguy · Jan 4, 2007, 07:55 AM

Thanks for the advice guys.

I will just try to not put my size 12's in.

I have so much I want to say, but at this stage I guess its all about her and me showing her consideration, which is the thing I didn't in the relationship and why it ended !

I was considering only myself and not her ! Hard to change bad habits and not proud of them !