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bigbird213 · Jun 20, 2008, 06:16 AM

Its been rough for me. I spent a long time feeling good, then I found out something which was so stupid and meaningless, but still sent me to the bottom of the barrel. It was a tough fall, but I'm picking myself back up.

Its certainly a lesson for everyone to stay away from any indications of their life. Hearing anything, no matter how negligible, can really wear you down. The worst part is that you feel so good and you feel like your almost ready to be friends with them, then the smallest inkling has you tumbling backward. Anyone else feel this way?

f104 · Jun 20, 2008, 06:34 AM

Well I have broken NC. My ex and I spoke on Wednesday. I was surprised as I really believed she would not answer. She said I can call any time and even suggested meeting next week some time. I truly have mixed emotions here. As I am not sure where we stand. She seems to think that she did not truly dump me. So where this puts me I do not know. If she and I do meet then I will certainly lay out what I am looking for as far as she and I go.

spion_kop · Jun 20, 2008, 08:39 AM

The thing I find is that, when you feel you are ready to be friends with them, that just means you AREN'T ready for it. When you don't think of them that often or don't really care who they are seeing or sleeping with etc, that is when you are ready. And also, you shouldn't be pursuing a friendship with your ex "when you think you're ready" but it should come naturally.

jammyb · Jun 20, 2008, 08:54 AM

Spion, that's actually pretty bloody insightful. Ironically the time when you're truly ready to be friends is when you don't really care about being friends. Any time before that and there's probably feelings involved. Good call man!

NorthernNiceGuy · Jun 20, 2008, 09:22 AM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Its been rough for me. I spent a long time feeling good, then I found out something which was so stupid and meaningless, but still sent me to the bottom of the barrel. It was a tough fall, but I'm picking myself back up.

Its certainly a lesson for everyone to stay away from any indications of their life. Hearing anything, no matter how negligible, can really wear you down. The worst part is that you feel so good and you feel like your almost ready to be friends with them, then the smallest inkling has you tumbling backward. Anyone else feel this way?

I think it happens to everyone... Well to me it does. I have gone through some days of feeling great and thinking I could handle anything, but with recent events I am certainly not. But one day these little things that make us run for the hills won't bother us, and I think that will be the day we realize, "Hey, I really am going to be okay"

NorthernNiceGuy · Jun 20, 2008, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by f104

Well I have broken NC. My ex and I spoke on Wednesday. I was surprised as I really believed she would not answer. She said I can call any time and even suggested meeting next week some time. I truly have mixed emotions here. As I am not sure where we stand. She seems to think that she did not truly dump me. So where this puts me I do not know. If she and I do meet then I will certainly lay out what I am looking for as far as she and I go.

Be careful on this one f104... I am getting the sense your hopes are going up. Especially after she said she thinks she didn't truly dump you... What the hell was the week of no contact, some sort of vacation?? And if you hadn't contacted her would she have? If you do meet be ready for the worst, I hate having to be brutally honest with you on this one but I think this is going to end with you at square one again.

bigbird213 · Jun 20, 2008, 11:10 AM

Thanks for the words NNG...

I was thinking recently about how my relationship was. I don't know how other people's relationships were in terms of happiness and seeing yourselves together in the future but this applies to mine.

Without being conceited, I can say that I tolerated a lot from her and gave her a lot. There were a lot of times during the end of the relationship that I wondered what we were doing together and why we weren't ever happy. Funny thing is, it doesn't make it any easier now.

What I'm trying to get at is that sometimes I wish I could just say to her (in my head): "Good luck finding someone else who is going to put up with what you put me through." Because I know that I did a lot, and I don't think many people will have that kind of patience... But in my (demented) head, I think she is going to find someone immediately without any problem.

I guess this is the same thought process that kept me with her when we had large fights which should have probably ended the relationship, but I didn't... That "I can't stay mad at her" feeling.

Boristheblade · Jun 20, 2008, 11:18 AM

6 days of fully NC
17 days since I saw him & 23 days since I spent time with him.
*Sigh* finding this unbelievably hard it's taking everything inside me to not just ask him if he wants to do something. I've spent every Friday with him for the past year :(

I was diagnosed with moderate depression today.

bigbird213 · Jun 20, 2008, 11:20 AM

Hang in there Boris,

It is tough at first, but you do feel better. Despite feeling like sh*t lately, I can honestly say that the past few weeks have been really good to me considering. You will get there, just give it time.

f104 · Jun 20, 2008, 11:43 AM

Boris you are in the right place. You will find support and encouragement here.

NNG, Jammy and Spion what you all say makes perfect sense. I wish I could say that I was not getting my hopes up but that would be a lie. I initiated contact although she said she was planning on calling me. She did suggest meeting so we could "hangout" whatever she means by that.

losingit77 · Jun 20, 2008, 11:56 AM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Thanks for the words NNG...

I was thinking recently about how my relationship was. I don't know how other people's relationships were in terms of happiness and seeing yourselves together in the future but this applies to mine.

Without being conceited, I can say that I tolerated a lot from her and gave her a lot. There were a lot of times during the end of the relationship that I wondered what we were doing together and why we weren't ever happy. Funny thing is, it doesn't make it any easier now.

What I'm trying to get at is that sometimes I wish I could just say to her (in my head): "Good luck finding someone else who is going to put up with what you put me through." Because I know that I did a lot, and I don't think many people will have that kind of patience.... But in my (demented) head, I think she is going to find someone immediately without any problem.

I guess this is the same thought process that kept me with her when we had large fights which should have probably ended the relationship, but I didn't... That "I can't stay mad at her" feeling.

Bigbird - I see things a lot like you too. Now, I'm like "why did I put up with so much". The last couple of months we were together I kept thinking the same thing... "why are we staying together? why am i letting this go on like this?" I gues you just keep thinking that it will somehow magically get better. But it just delayed the inevitable. Guess in the back of my mind, I always knew he'd end up my EX-boyfriend. Its like holding onto to a sinking ship. Some people have a hard time committing to a relationship, but we were the opposite. My ex and I had a hard time committing to a break-up. Its funny.

You're doing good bigbird. Keep it up. You're helping a lot of people out here.

spion_kop · Jun 20, 2008, 12:47 PM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Thanks for the words NNG...

I was thinking recently about how my relationship was. I don't know how other people's relationships were in terms of happiness and seeing yourselves together in the future but this applies to mine.

Without being conceited, I can say that I tolerated a lot from her and gave her a lot. There were a lot of times during the end of the relationship that I wondered what we were doing together and why we weren't ever happy. Funny thing is, it doesn't make it any easier now.

What I'm trying to get at is that sometimes I wish I could just say to her (in my head): "Good luck finding someone else who is going to put up with what you put me through." Because I know that I did a lot, and I don't think many people will have that kind of patience.... But in my (demented) head, I think she is going to find someone immediately without any problem.

I guess this is the same thought process that kept me with her when we had large fights which should have probably ended the relationship, but I didn't... That "I can't stay mad at her" feeling.

Bigbird, my ex herself told me that. She said that one of the many qualities that I had was patience. Before I initiated NC with her, she told me how patient I was with her and was always the one with the cooler head when it came to fights. Yea I do have a temper but my patience with her was one of the things that she loves about me.
I'm not trying to say that you're situation isn't unique but it just goes to show that for people who we love so much we do put up a lot. We wear our heart on our sleeves and our ex's haven't yet realized what they are missing out on. Most of our exes have new bfs/gfs and are still in the honeymoon stage. Yea some will move on to others, some may stay with their current ones for the long term(marriage etc who knows?) while some may come back. But the main question is, are you willing to take them back, I know at the moment I won't because I'm honestly having a lot of fun being single

jammyb · Jun 20, 2008, 01:29 PM

f104, I can't imagine she wants to hang out with you for the purposes of getting back together, but rather to alleviate the guilt she's feeling or because she's feeling and you're the first port of call. Unless she makes it clear to you that she wants to get back together, it's probably a waste of time. NNG's right about ending up at square one.

Bigbird, what you're saying is absolutely right... toward the end of our relationship there were countless occasions when I was going to break up with her (and on a couple of occasions actually threatened it)... mainlly as she had in fact become cold and obnoxious. Its still pretty painfuleven though we weren't happy for a long time before we broke up.

Boris, as the guys are saying this is the place to come if you want advice or you just want to vent. Its AMAZINGLY therapeutic and good to know that there's others in the same boat as you. I've learnt a hell of a lot on here, and they're lessons you'll never forget which is always a good thing

jammyb · Jun 20, 2008, 01:40 PM

I know what you mean Spion about being single. Apart from the loneliness and general feeling of rejection and betrayal (fairly powerful emotions admittedly) it is nice to actually do what you want to do when you want to do it. I guess relationships make you a bit institutionalised, like you're scared to get out into the world at first but then you get used to it and start to love the freedom after a while, just like you did before you got into the relationship. Personally I would never take mine back now I can put it in perspective. One thing I'm curious about though... I know this probably isn't the most positive subject, but do most people's ex's have new bfs/gfs? I can't help but think I'm one of few in that situation.

spion_kop · Jun 20, 2008, 03:18 PM

jammyb, I had to push my ex to dump me because I felt something was weird. If I didn't confront her she wouldn't have dumped me. She dumped me over msn, I asked her to call me to dump me because she was too much of a coward. Well she moved on in 3 days with a guy I had warned her about from her work. He's 5 years older than her and she is 21. The way I see it is that instead of makings things amicable between us, she ruined all the good memories of three years in three days.

I don't know if this is a rebound or whatever but whatever it is, I certainly don't want any part of her and her life.

EDIT: wow the amount of typos is unbelievable.

NorthernNiceGuy · Jun 20, 2008, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Thanks for the words NNG...

I was thinking recently about how my relationship was. I don't know how other people's relationships were in terms of happiness and seeing yourselves together in the future but this applies to mine.

Without being conceited, I can say that I tolerated a lot from her and gave her a lot. There were a lot of times during the end of the relationship that I wondered what we were doing together and why we weren't ever happy. Funny thing is, it doesn't make it any easier now.

What I'm trying to get at is that sometimes I wish I could just say to her (in my head): "Good luck finding someone else who is going to put up with what you put me through." Because I know that I did a lot, and I don't think many people will have that kind of patience.... But in my (demented) head, I think she is going to find someone immediately without any problem.

I guess this is the same thought process that kept me with her when we had large fights which should have probably ended the relationship, but I didn't... That "I can't stay mad at her" feeling.

Nothing conceited about that. I feel the same way. Last a few days ago before I really started ignoring her texts she said to me, "you are the only one I want to be with, you are perfect and I don't want to be with anyone else"

Make sense of that... I just replied "If you can say that and still don't want to be with me than you are nuts"

But you know, I personally think its true, good luck finding someone else who will treat you like I did and who put up with your crap.

And bigbird, sure they might be able to find someone else fairly quickly, but that doesn't mean it will last. People always appear perfect in the beginning, but as time goes on you get to know the real them.

And bigbird and losingit, we will find the right partners who are going to be blown away by how we treat them, and they will appreciate it, not take advantage of it.

jammyb · Jun 20, 2008, 03:57 PM

Yeh tell me about it mate, its ridiculous to think that after all the time we put into the relationship they just chuck it all away like that. I think what it is is that they are too weak and cowardly to cope with being alone, so they just get with the first bloke that comes along. Though I say that, my ex's new boyfriend has got everything; he's well-off, 4/5 years older and generally seems like a good catch. That's what makes it even worse, I could handle it if he was a complete loser. In a sick way Im hoping he dumps her so she knows how it feels.

NorthernNiceGuy · Jun 20, 2008, 04:02 PM

Originally Posted by jammyb

Yeh tell me about it mate, its ridiculous to think that after all the time we put into the relationship they just chuck it all away like that. I think what it is is that they are too weak and cowardly to cope with being alone, so they just get with the first bloke that comes along. Though I say that, my ex's new boyfriend has got everything; he's well-off, 4/5 years older and generally seems like a good catch. That's what makes it even worse, I could handle it if he was a complete loser. In a sick way Im hoping he dumps her so she knows how it feels.

Yea, well that's normal feeling jammy... And chances are most of our ex's are going to feel this one day. Pretty rare that someone goes through their whole like without being dumped or hurt in love. Not our problem though and I am not saying I hope they do get dumped, but if they do, I hope they see the pain we went through, and maybe regret some of the things they did, and have a better understand of what we were going through and learn something from it.

spion_kop · Jun 20, 2008, 04:11 PM

Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

And bigbird, sure they might be able to find someone else fairly quickly, but that doesn't mean it will last. People always appear perfect in the beginning, but as time goes on you get to know the real them.

And bigbird and losingit, we will find the right partners who are going to be blown away by how we treat them, and they will appreciate it, not take advantage of it.

I couldn't agree more with you NNG. At first everything appears to be perfect but then wear and tear occurs in a relationship. Plus we've got the potential to be great, it's just these little obstacles are in our way. Once we overcome them, who knows. Things always have a way of working out. All we can do is keep our chins up

bigbird213 · Jun 20, 2008, 04:14 PM

Someone tell me I'm nuts...

So my ex's step sister calls me and is wondering if I want to go out to the bar with her and her friends tonight. While she was talking to me, her younger sister yelled in the background: "We miss you bigbird!". That made me think:

1) If she said that, my ex must not be around.
2) If she isn't around, where is she?
3) Is she out having fun? Who's she with? What's she doing?
...
N) etc... etc... etc...

Someone please tell me if that is a ridiculous thought process or what? It's what I thought of, but in reality I think I might be nuts... Just give me your honest opinion.

Oh, and for the record, her step sister is just being friendly, as best as I can tell, do you think it would be a bad idea if I were to go? It would be me and my friends with her and her friends...