[grammadidi]

Hi Sypher,
Thanks for the PM. Okay, I'll stick around, continue to offer you advice and respond to your questions... just don't forget - you asked for it! :D

Seriously, though, I am glad I have been able to help some. Thank you for your warm compliments. You truly have made a lot of gains, we aren't missing those - we see them. You are working hard at it, and I can really appreciate just how difficult that has been for you. To be honest, I wouldn't continue to spend the time to give you advice if I didn't feel you were trying.

Anyhow, don't be upset with yourself. I came across as a little defensive myself, I guess. As requested, you will receive my continued support.

Hugs, Didi

[sypher373]

I had to post right now, because I'm in such a good mood and I'm thinking about this..

Its different to me to be in a good mood about this, but I'm feeling excited about what's going to happen. Im looking forward to getting over this, and I just hope that I can keep this mindset. I know by reading the advice I've gotten on here, I can keep that going :)

EDIT: oh boy, 20 minutes later I don't feel the same at all. Guess its time to go to bed. Some time needs to hurry and pass so I don't feel like a nut :)

[SAB123]

I was the same way, one minute your fine and the next the hurt is back. But once you finally let go it becomes a lot easier to control your emotions. I'ts been 3 months since she broke up with me, even thow I still think of her it's not 24/7 like before and the dreams become less frequent now. And the worse thing you can do is talk about her, I did with my friends with other break ups not this time because I cant. They were so tired of me talking about her that after a while they stopped calling me. So when you go home don't talk about her with your bro's. But TRUST ME, once you let go of her the healing really begins and it does get better.

[scatcynthia]

It is obivious that she has moved on and keeps reminding you of it... get over her... you deserve to be happy and go after what you want and need... I have been on that side and its not worth putting your life on hold and to hope for something that will never happen... hope this helps a little

[sypher373]

Hey all,

I wanted to get some of my thoughts written down, as they've been bugging me all day.

I feel like today is going to be a test for me, and I'm sort of scared. Once again, the weekend starts tonight, and I'm afraid of getting that phone call. Now, I know the advise that some will give me (Tal) is to just ignore the call, walk away, leave it for good -- but I'm not sure I am capable of that.

I'm not sure I can leave it cold shoulder like that because I wouldn't mind a friendship in the future. I see no reason to leave things on a bad note. At the same time, Im in no rush to call just to say we can't talk anymore -- sounds counter productive.

I guess I want to know if it sounds all right to answer if she calls, but let her know how I'm feeling, and that I need the space. I certainly don't want to appear incapable of handling my feelings, but she would be selfish to judge me for doing what's right for me. Like I said, I don't think I have it in me to walk away without a word.

I think the fear is coming from the fact that part of me wants to talk to her, the same part that wouldn't allow me to remain in contact and heal properly. Saying that I need my space would be an action for me. I think it would help me relax, and not have to worry about what's going to happen the next time we talk - and it would also save me from feeling like I didn't leave things bitter by walking away without a word.

EDIT: By no means do I mean that I'm going to call her if I don't hear from her. This is basically a hypothetical 'what if she calls me tonight'

EDIT (again): Basically I'm wondering how to handle any attempts she makes at contact. Do I stop her from making further attempts? Should I just be busy and not have time to talk?

[grammadidi]

I think you have already told her once before that it was too difficult to let go if she kept talking to her. If not, then why not just tell her the truth?? If she calls and you answer, tell her it is PAINFUL for you to keep having her call, text, IM, hold hands, kiss, hug, talk, etc. If she is interested in someone else, then you think the best thing to do is just what she suggested in the first place... to take a break - end contact. Tell her that you hope that you can remain friends, but that will take time... that you are hurt and you need to heal and you can't do it with her floating in and out of your life when she has feelings for someone else. Tell her that since you have both pretty much dated only each other that it's probably best for you both to date other people anyway.

I don't really understand why it is so difficult for you to just walk away without saying a word. She ended your relationship. She likes someone else. She has made it clear over and over and over again that it's over. You just aren't hearing it.

I would like to ask you something... you can choose whether to answer...

Why do you continue to love a woman who has openly told you that she is attracted to someone else, that she wants to end things, and that she is willing to stop all contact if it would make it easier for you? Is this really the kind of woman you not only might want to marry, but also be friends with? I could NEVER remain friends with a person who respected and cared for me so little that they would continue to hurt me over and over and over again. I just don't understand... what is keeping you attached? What do the two of you have in common that makes you want to remain friends with her? It is so very difficult to understand from the outside looking in.

Tal is right, Sypher. You DO need to ignore the call, walk away, move on. Be unavailable! When I wrote that, several women responded and said the same thing. Don't you think that when there are so many people saying the same things that you might consider that we are right? You think we are getting paid for this? :D

We say what we say because we know. Many of us have been there. Many of us can see things more clearly from the outside than you can see from the inside.

I guess the other thing that is so very telling is that every time you feel that you are on your way to healing she contacts you and you fall apart all over again. That's just plain wrong of her to do. She doesn't even CARE what she is doing to you. Here are all these strangers that have been trying to help you for months and she doesn't give a crap how you are feeling as long as you are there when she needs you because this guy and her will never work. She is into this other guy like you are into her.

Anyhow, enough said. I just wish you would read and re-read all posts and comments (including yours) every morning until it all fell together.

Later, gator...

Didi

[sypher373]

Why do you continue to love a woman who has openly told you that she is attracted to someone else, that she wants to end things, and that she is willing to stop all contact if it would make it easier for you? Is this really the kind of woman you not only might want to marry, but also be friends with? I could NEVER remain friends with a person who respected and cared for me so little that they would continue to hurt me over and over and over again. I just don't understand... what is keeping you attached? What do the two of you have in common that makes you want to remain friends with her? It is so very difficult to understand from the outside looking in.

I have asked myself this same question over and over, and I can't find the answer. I've had tons of ideas go back and forth in my head... Maybe I have some sort of attachment issues, maybe I'm too scared to move on, maybe I'm afraid that ill never be quite that happy again.

To be completely honest, I'm not sure what my problem is. If I were to detail the relationship, I'm sure many of you would tell me I'm better off without her. Maybe ill give you some details, maybe you can see something I don't.

During the relationship, we had a lot of stupid little arguments. She would be angry with me for not going over to see her if I wanted to just hang out at my house. She would be angry with me if I didn't want to spent an hour and a half on the phone talking with her when I was at school. If the conversations on the phone got boring, it would be somehow my fault beucase I wasn't trying hard enough. Whenever my friends wanted me to go out, I was guilted into not going (I blame myself for that somewhat). She had told me a few times that she was getting sick of me, as we spent too much time together (like every day for a few weeks), but when I would leave, she would be angry. Every time we had a fight, she was the stronger one, and remained mad. I would also give in an apolgoize beucase I hated upsetting her. Im sure if Wildcat were reading this, he would be all over me. I had no backbone, I was a wuss... Im not certain that's why I lost her, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me not being able to move on.

This is not to say that we weren't happy (im sure someone will disagree), but I loved being with her. When I outline this, I know all I am doing is adding to the reasons I should move on.

Maybe that will give you some incite on the relationship. I wouldn't call the relationship abusive, but is it possible that the way I was treated let me become dependent on her? Maybe all of that has nothing to do with it, but I know I never said any of this here (im embarassed), and figured id share those things with you.

Like I said, I wonder why I'm having such a damn hard time letting go. Its been so long and I'm so sick of missing her. Its like it was an addiction... Im sure I got too caught up in her, became dependent, all of that bad stuff... but it was my first love. That's no excuse for taking upwards of three months to get over it...

Thanks for listening

[SouthernBelle06]

All of the advice in the world does no good unless you want to take it and really try get over someone and help yourself. People tried to tell me the same things we are telling you when my ex and I broke up and I wouldn't listen either. Just follow your gut Sypher. I hope things work out the way you want with your ex, but given the collective history and experience of people on here who have already gone through it, that may not be the case. I hate to say this, but I think you may have to learn the lessons we are trying to teach you on your own and unfortunately it may be the hard way (like I did). I hope this isn't the case. Good luck to you : )

[sypher373]

All of the advice in the world does no good unless you want to take it and really try get over someone and help yourself. People tried to tell me the same things we are telling you when my ex and I broke up and I wouldn't listen either. Just follow your gut Sypher. I hope things work out the way you want with your ex, but given the collective history and experience of people on here who have already gone through it, that may not be the case. I hate to say this, but I think you may have to learn the lessons we are trying to teach you on your own and unfortunately it may be the hard way (like I did). I hope this isn't the case. Good luck to you : )

SouthernBelle,

I think you misinterpreted my post. It wsnt that I was waiting for her call. I was more dreading it than anything. I have been making myself very busy. There isn't much for me to do this weekend, but that will change when my summer begins. Like I said, I have a full time job starting. I play tennis everyday, go to the gym, and have to study for my finals. I am by no means waiting for a phone call, and haven't been all week... :)

Thanks for the advice though. I am taking it, don't think I'm not. I have been stuck on this for the last three months, and am finally getting sick of it. The lessons that your speaking of, I think I did already learn them. And to be honest, I did learn them on my own, because I was too ignorant to believe what I was being told. I didn't want to believe it, still don't sometimes, but I did learn. Now I'm just basically here for the support to keep me from going back. Hard to explain why I would want to go back, I know how stupid it sounds, but in all hoensty, if I'm not vigilant, I can see myself falling back into a bad habit

Thanks why I'm here :)

[grammadidi]

Well, maybe you are just afraid of going through the motions to meet someone else? You are shy? Have self-esteem issues?

I believe that when you 'get serious' about someone that you usually choose a person who is a reflection of how you feel about the inner you. For instance, a lot of women choose 'bad boys' because they don't feel worthy of a 'good boy'. Some people become 'helpers' and are always trying to 'fix' their partner because they really don't feel very good about themselves and it feeds their ego. Some people get involved with married partners because they are really afraid to have a permanent relationship. People who have been abused (and haven't dealt with it appropriately) tend to pick abusive partners. People who are shy might pick someone who is the life of the party.

Maybe it would benefit you to make two lists... one being the Pro's and Con's of your relationship and the other being how she has been a good partner vs how she has been a bad partner. Maybe even a third list... why do you love her?

You say that you loved being with her. Could that be the key? It does sound like she was pretty immature and controlling. Maybe you are a more serious, grounded, emotional person and her lightness, immaturity and flighty nature helped you to loosen up? If you are shy, someone who is outspoken helps you to not have to deal with your shyness. After my husband died I realized that he created our social life. I am shy and quiet, he was outgoing and friendly. I didn't even KNOW how to have a social life without him. I never did things without him. Up until a few years ago I had never done much of anything on my own. First I did it with my kids (from my first marriage) and then I did it with my husband. Learning how to do things on my own was SOOOOOOOO stressful! :D

Anyhow, write out your thoughts... it really does help. I do think you need to spend more time examining all of this. Usually, one dates several people and through that dating they are able to determine what exactly they want in a partner... and what they don't want. They don't usually spend the rest of life with their first love. You are obviously a giver... but at what expense?

By the way - have you had other deep losses in your life? That is an important question.

Hugs, Didi

[sypher373]

Well, maybe you are just afraid of going through the motions to meet someone else? You are shy? Have self-esteem issues?

I always considered myself to be quite shy. I have never had much trouble meeting friends, though I can't talk to anyone I find attractive. There is some sort an anxeity I have about talking with women, I guess I'm scared? Maybe deep down I'm afriad ill have to do that again? I would also say that I have some self esteem issues. For the past few years, I have really hated how I looked. I never found myself attractive, always thought I was pretty overweight (in actuallity only about 20 pounds, now down to about 10). I also could never accept a compliment. No matter what anyone tells me, I always figured it was just to make me feel better (including almost everything I've heard since my breakup). Even before that, if I was being self-concious about my looks, my ex would say she loved the way I looked, thought I was very attractive... I never believed it.

(EDIT: I wanted to add that I have never actually "dated" anyone persay. I talked with her for about a month before we were a couple. It was sort of something that just clicked between us. Until reading posts on here, I never knew that there was a difference between being in a relationship and dating. So it is fair to say, I have never dated. It was basically us jumping into a relationship)

I believe that when you 'get serious' about someone that you usually choose a person who is a reflection of how you feel about the inner you. For instance, a lot of women choose 'bad boys' because they don't feel worthy of a 'good boy'. Some people become 'helpers' and are always trying to 'fix' their partner because they really don't feel very good about themselves and it feeds their ego. Some people get involved with married partners because they are really afraid to have a permanent relationship. People who have been abused (and haven't dealt with it appropriately) tend to pick abusive partners. People who are shy might pick someone who is the life of the party.

While Id say that I was shy, she was worse. From the time I met her, she had one good friend, that was about it. For that reason, I think she became a bit attached to me. In the beginning, I made the classic first love mistake of giving her everything. After that, she expected everything, and when I wanted to spend time with my friends, she became more controlling. She was not "the life of the party". She hated parties, atually. Many people find her very hard to get along with.

By the way - have you had other deep losses in your life? That is an important question.

This point has been previously brought up to me. I have never had another serious loss. My grandfather died when I was about 4 or 5 years old, though I don't remember him or the event. Since then, I have not lost any close family members or anything of the sort. It had been suggested that since I had yet to experience any true loss, I had not developed any coping skills, and don't know how to deal with the loss of my girlfriend. I suppose in all reality, it is similar to the death of a family member... I am losing something that was a huge part of my life.

Now that I've done it, I enjoy talking about myself quite a bit more than I enjoy talking about my ex. At least I feel like I'm gaining some understanding of myself, rather than building more and more confusion :) I hope I have given you the info you were looking for.

[momincali]

Okay, so let's say she does call you tonight... so what? Does that change anything? If you want to talk to her, go ahead, talk away. If at the moment she calls, you don't feel like it, don't. You don't need to plan for it. It's not an event that you need to sell tickets for. It's a moment, a short moment, in your life. You want to exchange pleasantries with her, be polite or just have a chuckle? All right, just know that most of the time, those instant gratification moments come with long term consequences. Like putting you back to square one when it comes to coping with the loss of your relationship. If you don't take her call now, because you're trying to put the pieces back and breathe without her being part of that breath, it doesn't mean you can never talk to her. When you're stronger, more confident (and you will know when that is without a doubt) then you can take her call or even give her a call. If lot's of time has gone by and you feel awkward about it, so what, the awkward only lasts for a short time, it will be like riding a bike.

[sypher373]

Thanks momincali,
Pretty much what I needed to hear. Made me smile a little bit too (not an event to sell tickets for :)). Just before I came back here, I was thinking. If she calls and I don't answer... shes finally getting a taste of her own medicine. She's been making me miss her all week, so what if she misses me tonight, or all next week, or all month for that matter. For some reason, I (used to) feel an immense guilt at missing a phone call. While we were together, Id never miss one, if I could help it, and I guess that's just carrying over.

But guess what... I don't owe her a damn thing.

[momincali]

Darn straight! Now go do whatever the heck floats your boat (as long as it's not illegal, immoral or fattening) and don't worry about getting a call, giving a call or anything in between. That's called living.

[talaniman]

Those first love relationships are so hard to get over doggonit. Join the rest of us.

[sypher373]

Well...

Life slapped me in the back of the head today. The situation I spent all this time worrying about sort of fixed itself.

She did call me. I knew she would, I was expecting it. I answered, knowing what I was going to do, knowing what to think, how to act, everything. I had it planned out.

I didn't do any of it. Turns out, she was calling because something I was doing for her mother, her mother had questions about. I could tell by her voice, she was a bit upset, and she wasn't talking as friends at all. We talked about 5 minutes, I answered the questions, that was it.

She called me later, because she told me she would. She had pretty much nothing to say, just didn't want to leave her saying shed call, and not calling. She also pointed out that I "sounded different".

Here's where Im at... Shes on the same wavelength as I am, I didn't have to bring it up, risk an awkward conversatoin nothing. She knows we need to put space between us as well, and I'm pretty relieved.

Im pleased with the way it turned out. No emotions were brought up, "we" weren't mentioned once, and I haven't had a second thought about it :)

[sypher373]

Good afternoon all!

Just posting to say hello, and I hope everyone is having a good weekend. Mine has gone quite well so far. I have been able to keep my emotions in check.

I must admit, I have don't a great deal of procrastinating on studying for my exams which begin tomorrow :( Oh well, in two days my summer vacation begins :) :) :)

My roommate is out for the afternoon, so my music is being played nice and loudly. It really helps me to keep my head on straight. The chorus of the song I'm listening to now goes along these lines:

"When all is said and done,
I will be the one.
To leave you in your misery,
And hate what you've become."

Not that I am that angry (the rest of the song is a bit angrier), but the angry songs somehow make me motivated to get up and do something. Its like an upper :)

Hope everyone has a good Sunday :)

[grammadidi]

It's okay to be angry and/or to feel your emotions, you know.

I hope you studied some after writing your last post here! Exams are pretty important! :) Oh, summer vacation and all that comes along with it must be so exciting.

It's good to hear you sounding so well. Keep focused and you will be amazed at how well you will do. Hope your exams go well.

Hugs, Didi

[jillygirl524]

Moving on does not mean there is no chance in the futcure, the only thing that worries me is if you guys get back together this summer and you then go threw the summer and school comes is she going to dump you to go back to the person she is when she's at school? Also if its meant to be it will

[Jiser]

Its not the right time for you Sypher to be with her at any time in the near future. Or talking to her. You need to have time with yourself and your life without her! For at least several months :)