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Silvermist · May 8, 2016, 05:27 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Does she think you are still going to dancing class?

She starts crying, then you tell her exactly why you don't go. That's when you hold her and cry together.

Yes that's where she thinks I am after school I use to take classes everyday except Sunday I just don't enjoy it anymore. I have all the money she gave me to pay for it put away I never spent any of it so I can return it to her. I will try hugging her. Thanks

Alty · May 8, 2016, 05:49 PM

Originally Posted by Silvermist

I know this is not related to the question I asked but I just want to be a little prepared for anything that may come up when I have a talk with my mum. I don't know 2hat to do if she brings up my dad which I know it will come up as I have to tell her I quit dancing because it hurts too much not to have him there. She will probably cry and I don't know what to do when she does that I usually just go to my room or ring one of my brothers to come if its real bad. I don't know what to do its hard to see her cry and I don't want to get upset and make her worse if that makes sense. Do I just hug her and say sorry I really don't know

Don't be afraid when she cries. Crying is natural, and it's a part of grief. My mom used to tell me that we all had teacups behind our eyes. They'd fill up, and once they were full, the tears would come out. Sometimes your teacup fills up faster because there's a leak, a leak that you can't plug up, and you need to empty those teacups, otherwise that leak will never heal.

When someone cries, it's scary, it's hard to know what to do. But when she cries because of your dad, you can relate, because you feel the same grief, the same pain. Sometimes having someone cry with you, sharing your pain, is the best medicine. Especially as a mom. I know that when I'm crying because of something we're all feeling, and my kids start to cry too, I snap into mom mode, comforting mode, and I forget my own pain, and focus on the pain my kids are feeling, because that's my job as a mom. When I see them cry I forget my pain, and I focus on theirs, and that helps so much, because then it's no longer about me, it's about them and making them feel better. Nurturing others helps a lot when you're in pain.

So let her cry, and if you feel like crying with her, then let her see you cry. Hug each other, hold each other, talk about your dad, tell her how you're feeling. She's feeling bad too, and she understands. When she sees how much you're hurting, she'll put her pain aside, and that's the best thing you can do for her. You are her priority right now, so let her take care of you, let her lose herself in caring about you. Talk to her, let her talk, listen and let her listen. Be real with her, and let her be real with you. Let each other in.

Silvermist · May 8, 2016, 10:39 PM

Thank you everyone I spoke to my mum when she got home it wasn't easy she was very angry with me not that I blame her I haven't been honest with her. She hasn't decided what my punishment will be yet she was very upset by the end of our talk and told me she needed time to think. I will take what ever punishment she gives me 2ith out complaining. She was a little less angry about me lying about going to dancing when I returned the $600 to her. But she got very emotional when I told her I couldn't dance anymore and asked me to reconsider my decision as her and dad were really proud of my achievements. :( hmm not easy she really didn't seem to listen to me. I tried comforting her when she was crying gave her a hug and said sorry for the way I've been acting and for how it might of made her feel. She just seemed to get more upset I felt very bad for her and guilty. But I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice and support hopefully thing will get better for my mum and I will do my best to not cause her anymore stress.

J_9 · May 9, 2016, 06:18 AM

That took a lot of courage! Good for you. This is just the beginning of a new relationship with your mother.

Homegirl 50 · May 9, 2016, 07:24 AM

Originally Posted by Silvermist

Thank you everyone I spoke to my mum when she got home it wasn't easy she was very angry with me not that I blame her I haven't been honest with her. She hasn't decided what my punishment will be yet she was very upset by the end of our talk and told me she needed time to think. I will take what ever punishment she gives me 2ith out complaining. She was a little less angry about me lying about going to dancing when I returned the $600 to her. But she got very emotional when I told her I couldn't dance anymore and asked me to reconsider my decision as her and dad were really proud of my achievements. :( hmm not easy she really didn't seem to listen to me. I tried comforting her when she was crying gave her a hug and said sorry for the way I've been acting and for how it might of made her feel. She just seemed to get more upset I felt very bad for her and guilty. But I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice and support hopefully thing will get better for my mum and I will do my best to not cause her anymore stress.

Good for you. I wish you all the best.

Wondergirl · May 9, 2016, 08:38 AM

I'm so proud of you!!!, especially because you hadn't spent the dance money and gave it back to her. Now, be a good daughter and spend more time at home, asking her how you can help around the house, etc.

talaniman · May 9, 2016, 11:54 AM

I have to say I think it's very impressive you saved the dance money and gave it back also. A wise and mature decision indeed, and coming clean with your mom shows great strength of character. I think you will also handle the behavior problems with equal success, and make good decisions for yourself.

I believe you are a good kid, and want to be a good daughter, despite the mistakes in judgment in the PAST, and that counts loads in my book. You sound like you have made the right adjustments to get on a good track and I hope you and mom both heal together.

I wish you both the best and hope you stick around with your new online family.

Silvermist · May 9, 2016, 03:45 PM

Thank you all for being suppirtive. The thought never crossed my mind to spend the money, I was quite surprised how much it all added up to over the few months. Makes me realise how much my mum sacrafices so I could do what I use to enjoy. Hopefully she can use that money now for something for herself. I do intend to spend more time at home with mum helping out and I have been grounded for a month so it will be a challenge. Anyway thank you all I came to this site thinking my mum was insane constantly invading my privacy only to realize that it was me. You all made me ralise how destructive I was being.I cant express how much that means to me I really don't think I would have listened if it had of come from anyone else.

Wondergirl · May 9, 2016, 03:49 PM

Originally Posted by Silvermist

Thank you all for being suppirtive. The thought never crossed my mind to spend the money, I was quite surprised how much it all added up to over the few months. Makes me realise how much my mum sacrafices so I could do what I use to enjoy. Hopefully she can use that money now for something for herself. I do intend to spend more time at home with mum helping out and I have been grounded for a month so it will be a challenge. Anyway thank you all I came to this site thinking my mum was insane constantly invading my privacy only to realize that it was me. You all made me ralise how destructive I was being.I cant express how much that means to me I really don't think I would have listened if it had of come from anyone else.

This post made me cry with happiness. I wish you the very best life has to offer. Please stay in touch with us.

Alty · May 9, 2016, 04:46 PM

Kiddo, yes, I'm calling you kiddo, I used to paint, oils. Me and my dad took painting classes together. More like time to paint than actual classes. Once a week, a well know artist in our area, held classes in her basement. We went together for years. We were both really good, he more than me. Amazing art he created. I loved painting. I have his and my painting all over my house.

When my dad died, I stopped painting. I would love to tell you that I started again, got over it and continued to do what he and I loved. But I haven't. He died in 2001. My mom died 6 and 1/2 months later. Both of cancer. I was 30 when they died.

Now, after this post, you've given me the courage to resume doing what I loved, what he and I loved. It's no longer something that makes me sad because my dad isn't around anymore, but it's something to honor my dad, because he loved my paintings, and I realize now, after all these years, that my not painting anymore didn't help me, and if my dad were alive, he'd be disappointed in me too. We loved it, we were both great at it, and I let it go because it hurt too much to do it without him, too many memories of us doing this together. If he were here right now he'd be so upset with me for letting that part of myself go.

It's hard to do the things that remind us of those we lost. But if you loved dancing, were good at it, and were happy doing it, don't let his death take that away from you. Would he want that? I doubt he would. I know he'd want you to continue to do what you love to do.

Don't let 15 years go by before you realize you made a mistake giving up something you loved.

Learn from my mistake this time. If you love to dance, then dance. Every time you dance, dance for your dad, give it your all, and feel the joy you felt before he died, and feel the pride he would have in you if he were there to see you. Do it for yourself too, because you love it.

Proud of you kiddo. You're on the right track. Keep posting, keep us posted on how you're doing. You now have a group of people that care about you as much as your mom does.

You're going to be okay. I know it!

Silvermist · May 10, 2016, 12:12 AM

Im sorry to hear about your parents. I don't think it would be easy losing them no matter what age you are. Im grateful I still have my mum.

I glad you have decided to paint again. But I don't want to dance anymore I hate it. It doesn't matter anymore he's gone and I don't want to dance. I do appreciate the advice please don't think I'm not listening I am its just complicated. I just want to focus on being there for my mum and not causing her anymore stress. Its hard for me being grounded not aloud to leave the house I don't know how my mum does it. I hope it gets easier its only been a day and I feel like I cant breath. Ive been told it gets easier the longer its been I can only hope.

Alty · May 10, 2016, 03:00 PM

Originally Posted by Silvermist

Im sorry to hear about your parents. I don't think it would be easy losing them no matter what age you are. Im grateful I still have my mum.

I glad you have decided to paint again. But I don't want to dance anymore I hate it. It doesn't matter anymore he's gone and I don't want to dance. I do appreciate the advice please don't think I'm not listening I am its just complicated. I just want to focus on being there for my mum and not causing her anymore stress. Its hard for me being grounded not aloud to leave the house I don't know how my mum does it. I hope it gets easier its only been a day and I feel like I cant breath. Ive been told it gets easier the longer its been I can only hope.

How long ago did your dad pass away?

It does get easier, but it's always there, the pain never fully goes away. But you do find a way to move on, exist, and live. I found therapy to be very helpful for me, and I wish I could continue with it because I still need help dealing with the loss of my parents. I won't lie and tell you that years pass and it's all good, and pain free, it isn't. Time does numb the pain, but it's always there.

I still have a good cry every few months, with my husband who also loved my parents so much. We both miss them more than words can say.

But life does go on. I know that my parents wouldn't want me wallowing in grief over their loss, they'd want me to live my life to the fullest. I try to do that. It's not always easy though.

There are support groups, there are therapist that deal with grief, it does help to know you're not alone, that other people are going through the same thing. It helps to have support. I'd talk to your mom about that, maybe find a support group near you and suggest that you and her attend together. It's good to talk about your grief, to give yourself a chance to realize you're not alone.

Hugs kiddo. It does get easier.

Silvermist · May 11, 2016, 12:01 AM

My dad passed away 3months 2 weeks and 2 days ago. If I hadn't of made a fuss about him not coming to my dance comp he would have just gone home from work and never been in the accident. Im sure I will be fine its just hard being in the house with all the memories. Thanks for the advice about therepy or a support group but I don't really want to talk about it its hard just thinking about him. Ill get there I worry more for my mum I haven't spent much time with her and now I'm noticing just how sad she is. I don't like seeing her so sad cant believe I was so caught up in myself I never stopped to think about her :(

talaniman · May 11, 2016, 02:12 AM

Give yourself a break here why don't you. You are probably just coming out of the shock of a tragic life changing event. Healing will take a while for you and your mom.

Alty · May 11, 2016, 04:04 PM

Originally Posted by Silvermist

My dad passed away 3months 2 weeks and 2 days ago. If I hadn't of made a fuss about him not coming to my dance comp he would have just gone home from work and never been in the accident. Im sure I will be fine its just hard being in the house with all the memories. Thanks for the advice about therepy or a support group but I don't really want to talk about it its hard just thinking about him. Ill get there I worry more for my mum I haven't spent much time with her and now I'm noticing just how sad she is. I don't like seeing her so sad cant believe I was so caught up in myself I never stopped to think about her :(

3 months isn't long at all. I'm not surprised you're both having trouble dealing with this.

As for the accident, it wasn't your fault. Never ever ever ever think that. It was an accident, it happens, and going back in your mind thinking that if he had been at a different place at that time, it wouldn't have happened, is not going to help you. It was his time to go, and it would have happened no matter what. You need to let that thought go. It was not your fault!

Your mom is sad, but so are you. You're both dealing with this loss and you both need to be there for each other. Open up to her, tell her how you're feeling about everything. She's your mom, she can't help you if she doesn't know what you're going through. Talk to each other, lean on each other, cry with each other. That's the first step towards healing together.

Silvermist · May 12, 2016, 02:41 AM

I just want to wite this so I can get it out then I will leave you all . I understand that the accident wasn't my fault I do but I cant help feeling partly to blame if I didn't make such a big deal about dad not coming he would have never have been on that road. My brother told me after the funeral that I am such a brat and it was all my fault I don't blame him. I worry mum feels the same way I'm scared to talk to her about dad. I miss him so much but I know I will see him again. Thank you for all the advice and for listening.

Alty · May 12, 2016, 03:17 PM

Originally Posted by Silvermist

I just want to wite this so I can get it out then I will leave you all . I understand that the accident wasn't my fault I do but I cant help feeling partly to blame if I didn't make such a big deal about dad not coming he would have never have been on that road. My brother told me after the funeral that I am such a brat and it was all my fault I don't blame him. I worry mum feels the same way I'm scared to talk to her about dad. I miss him so much but I know I will see him again. Thank you for all the advice and for listening.

In light of this post I can't stress enough that therapy is a very good idea for you, and your entire family.

If you ever need to talk, we're here. Take care of yourself, and don't beat yourself up any more. Your dad wouldn't want that for you.

Hugs kiddo.