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Homegirl 50 · Aug 29, 2013, 11:36 AM

He does not like your son and his daughter doesn't respect you. You two need to have your own place. It would be better for you and your kids and maybe for his too.

WisperWill70 · Aug 30, 2013, 02:29 PM

You haven't learned to differentiate normal human (adult and kid) reactions to things from "PERSONAL ATTACK" or "Dislike" or learned healthy ways to communicate. It's not just a matter of the kids not knowing how to respect you - you all don't respect each other! Can stuff like that change and can you get the respect and care from the kids he has from someone else? YES but it takes work you may not be ready or willing or able to put in. If you do leave, realise that he will be in your life forever as a co-parent so you will have to try to work on this no matter what, in some form. You have a kid together and you both have kids soooo there's no "space to ourselves" where you don't have the kids. You need to work it out.

One tip: you're the adult. You are not a kid that needs to take their behaviour personally or "react" like a child yourself. How can a grown man "not like" your child? That's ridiculous. Are you seeing things like a kid? Grow up and be the leader. You might not like the actions of a child... but you can't dislike the CHILD for those reasons. Respect the kids and they will respect you more.

natjosh · Aug 31, 2013, 05:52 AM

Originally Posted by WisperWill70

You haven't learned to differentiate normal human (adult and kid) reactions to things from "PERSONAL ATTACK" or "Dislike" or learned healthy ways to communicate. It's not just a matter of the kids not knowing how to respect you - you all don't respect each other! Can stuff like that change and can you get the respect and care from the kids he has from someone else? YES but it takes work you may not be ready or willing or able to put in. If you do leave, realise that he will be in your life forever as a co-parent so you will have to try to work on this no matter what, in some form. You have a kid together and you both have kids soooo there's no "space to ourselves" where you don't have the kids. You need to work it out.

One tip: you're the adult. You are not a kid that needs to take their behaviour personally or "react" like a child yourself. How can a grown man "not like" your child? That's ridiculous. Are you seeing things like a kid? Grow up and be the leader. You might not like the actions of a child... but you can't dislike the CHILD for those reasons. Respect the kids and they will respect you more.

Well he didn't agree with the way I raised my son before I met him. It was just me and my son and I, of course, as a mom am real emotional and lovey dovey with my son and he has somewhat different parenting skills . He's more strict and when I don't discipline my son like my boyfriend thinks I should we get into an argument. He calls him spoiled and stuff. I know we just need to agree to be on same page and parent all kids the same way! I know where needs to be done. There's just some things that's happened in past up to now I think has put a huge damper on this relationship . I think I'm going to move out for a while.maybe we just can't live together rite now...

Their has been just so much chaos in past and fighting between us and kids . I think we need a break... I'm tired of every time we have an argument, he tells me to pack up me n my two boys (which one of those boys a 1yr old his mine n his child together ) and leave . I've left about ten x this past yr. I know its my dumbass fault for going back...

talaniman · Aug 31, 2013, 06:19 AM

I agree!!

mogrann · Aug 31, 2013, 06:53 AM

I feel bad for the kids as they are caught in the middle. I would recommend family counselling and if one of the adults don't want to go then the other should go on their own. The adults are supposed to be mature and teach the children how to interact in the world which seems like is not happening. Sounds like a very emotional household where the children are caught in the middle like pawns.
I have lived a life similar to that and it is very taxing on the child. You don't learn healthy coping mechanisms, you don't learn how to handle emotions and you don't learn how to disagree without being mean.
Hopefully the adults get their act together and start caring about all the children and stop with the her kids, his kids etc. COMMUNICATE

Homegirl 50 · Aug 31, 2013, 07:07 AM

I think it high time you leave and don't go back, even if he ask you to come back. Make sure he pays child support for the son you have together,

WisperWill70 · Aug 31, 2013, 08:39 AM

Family counseling would do you all a world of good as would parenting classes. Boyfriend telling you to pack up and take off when things get hard is NOT the way to deal with a problem because it doesn't resolve anything. Take time for yourself to get your head together and really think about this situation, because like it or not he's now linked to you forever through a child.

Can't you see why the kids are weird with you? I can! First of all, with all the tension and fighting they can't trust that you are a stable adult presence in their lives who isn't just going to up and leave them (like mom?) whether it's you leaving or dad hustling you out so they are always on edge.

You admitted yourself that you're lovey-dovey with your son but treat them unequally. Why is that? Kids want love and they don't care who it is from as long as it is from the adults in their lives and you are an adult in their lives! They may feel that you're nice to your son and a b*tch on wheels to everyone else. That could be a childlike exaggeration on their part... or is it?

That you describe his kids (especially daughter) as "bitter" and "jealous" demonstrates a serious lack of boundaries and adulthood in your parenting. It's not that you shouldn't guide them about what to do and not to do (that's your job) it's that you saddle this parenting and guiding with childish feelings of competition, dislike and resentment. Be clear about it: you are NOT seeing the kids as innocent equals who need your love and help, you're seeing them as a rejected upset 9 year old yourself, who competes, resents, dislikes and is afraid of them. Like I said, You're the ADULT! Instead of seeing the little girl as this bitter, jealous, jerk - see her as innocent and quite rightly hardened. She's doing the best she can. She doesn't have a good relationship with mom, dad is a good disciplinarian but she might not feel emotionally close to him either, -you're there but she feels all your dislike and judgement about her whenever you tell her what to do. Duh! Of course she's going to act out. It would be weird if she didn't. (Would you trust someone's affection for you who outwardly disliked you? Nope. Especially not as a child) She doesn't trust that it's safe to care about you - because you don't like her.

The kids who see you being sweeter to your own child feel a lot of hurt coming from the fact that you see them as bitter, jealous, chaotic, negative people. Get a grip. These are kids and you may be giving them the requisite "I need to tell you what to do" disciplinary side but not your "motherly love"... which they ALSO need. (Even if they're not biologically your kid!) Every human in the world needs your love and understanding so you can know how to deal with them. You CAN change that. And it might be that they're an extension of the dad for whom you also have reservations about really opening up and loving. You take out some of your fear/anger with him on his kids. He gets mad and tries to give you the heave-ho - but what is your responsibility in that? Do YOU shut him out (mentally or otherwise) and flip the switch off and cut-loose when things go bad? Yup. You do.

You all have good intentions and are trying your best - but you guys need new skills, communication and coping mechanisms. Nothing is going to change in this situation until you make new choices and see how your behaviour is causing reactions and cross-reactions. If you do leave... it has to come from a strong place inside yourself... if you stay it has to come from a strong place inside yourself to respect yourself in the relationship enough to communicate with him instead of creating chaos and to let those kids into your heart FULLY instead of as a dreadful obligation.

talaniman · Aug 31, 2013, 10:14 AM

You were compromised the first time he ended your conflict with asking you to leave. That's the whole ball of wax in my view. Its not the conflict with the kids it's YOU and your boyfriend's conflict resolution that's in question, and the kid are a whole different issue.

10 times in a year, no doubt he wants you gone. To be honest my mind was made up when you first revealed the fact he had asked you to leave during an argument. Not once but many times. It matters little that trying to blend a family is difficult, and can take years to resolve, hell its hard when the family I your own as kid grow, but when adults do the on/off thing, it is time to re evaluate this whole experiment after you have removed yourself from it and the whole perspective will change.

Go get your ducks in a row so you can have a path forward for yourself and YOUR children, that's safe, secure, and happy. So you can unpack your own baggage. Maybe you both can find your way through this and be good parents, without this clash of styles.

Glad you recognize you need your own place to regroup and try to heal. I wish you luck.