[alizeblu]

What? This is not revenge,"hes trying to get the girl back". What I recommended was the best decision to do this.

I believe this was more logical Than emotional.

We recommend he has no contact in order to allow himself to heal overtime.

This is also a way to get her back if she DOES still love him.

As that speaks for itself: "she will come running back".

[talaniman]

Though other have said this, and think that's the way it works, you've never heard me say that is what no contact is about, and reread what I've posted here, and you'll see that I never say it's a way to get someone back. I will not advocate no false hope, as nobody can predict the future and whether some one comes back or not, you still must heal to make healthier choices.

[talaniman]

How often have you seen me say "Get a life that you enjoy without them"??

[alizeblu]

This is ture, but we need to ask ourselves why is he here in the 1st place?

[alizeblu]

No one said it was going to be definite that he would get her back, we are just giving him advice so he can take the best steps in order to move on, and if getting her back is his consolation for doing the no contact clasue then more power to him.

[Skell]

Tal is spot on here. Sorry guys but I think Solid and alizeblu are off the mark here.

As Tal said wait until you have calmed a little before reading it. I'm sure by now you have sobered up a little and it might not be too bad. Or alternatively just delete without reading it.

What I would do though to avoid this from happening in the future is block her emails.

Its all right for her. She is fine with everything that has happened and going on with life as normal. Not thinking of the consequences of sending you this email or perhaps even knowing it will tear you up and sending it anyway with that knowledge.

You know the best thing to do where did I go wrong. You don't need to know the contents of that email right now if at all.

And NC is not about getting someone back. Anyone who uses it for that will be bitterly disappointed. Even if they do get back with the ex things will just fail again because nothing has changed.

You guys just don't get it!

[where did i go wrong]

Wow, this was a bigger response than I expected...
Thank you all for your opinions and advice...

I just want to get 1 thing straight... she is not coming back to me! I know that, I am no longer holding onto ANY hope, it is OVER. I'm even starting to enjoy myself without her in my life, a little bit...
And don't say "u never loved her" I loved her more than anything in the world, but in the end she didn't love me, and she hurt me by leaving. Do I still love her now, I don't know, all I'm saying is I am moving on, I have to, thers no choice...
I only wanted to find out what you guys thought about her email. I still haven't read it, but I'm damn sure its saying something like "im moving interstate to start my new job/life and i can't wait"... and I'm sure it wasn't just sent to me, but to her whole list.

The reason I don't want to read it is because I don't want to know that her life without me is better than with me... im sure that's a natural reaction...
But...
The reason I think I should read it is to prepare myself for the inevitable discussion with mutual frinds saying "so waht do u think about beck blah blah blah.." I'm not sure I want to be put into a situation where its just lumped on me and I have to deal with it there and then and in front of people...

[Skell]

Just for the record I think you are handling it great and I certainly can see that you love / loved her and for the most part it was a great relationship. It is sad that it has ended and you will feel pain for a while. Anyway we have gone over that. And I also wasn't implying that you think she is coming back to you. My post wasn't aimed at you but rather the posts previous to that which I think were off the mark when it comes to you and your situation. It wasn't aimed at you.

I think this thread got a little off track in the middle there with Solid and alizeblu who may not be entirely up with what is happening here.

You have handled things great!

Don't worry about those inevitable questions from mutual friends.

Your response is this "oh i havent had time to even look at that email. I have been so flat out that i completely forgot it was in my inbox. Anyway, i dont really care anyway because beck is in the past now and i am moving on so im not really concerned with what she is up to. Im sure she's going fine, just like me"

If I can I would like to nip it in the bud here before you come asking how to deal with it because I know from my own experience that mutual friends can cause some heart ache. It is best to make it completely clear to them that your really not at all interested in hearing about her latest escapades. Not because you still love her and it hurts but because you are moving on with your life and what she is doing really doesn't interest you.

[where did i go wrong]

So I read it... I couldn't help myself...
She's going to live and work in canada for a year...
I don't know why I'm so upset...
I feel like my life has just been frozen in time for the past month and she has zoomed ahead with these amazing plans without me, god it hurts...

I don't know what to do now

[talaniman]

I

don't know what to do now

Yes you do. You keep on the path of healing. Stay with no contact and accept this is over. This is hardly a surprise as you told us she was moving, so nothing has changed, has it?

[sypher373]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I get from the banter about No contact and getting an ex back is this...

There is NO WAY to get an ex back, all you can do is improve yourself. If an ex comes back, they come back on their own.

The issue has nothing to do with using NC to get an ex back - rather it's the fact that there doesn't exist a way to get an ex back. Nobody can make someone do something they don't feel.

So what it boils down to is this: Use NC to improve yourself. Whether they come back is not up to you, or your actions. That's life, you have no control over it. By using NC, if they come back, you should be healed to make a decision about reuniting or not, and if they don't come back, there won't be another blow beucase you will be over/getting over it...

Do I understand this?

[talaniman]

Yes your getting there. No contact lets you get your emotions under control and you can see things much clearer. Once you find out who you are and what makes you happy you don't have to rush into a relationship with the expectations that are so unreasonable and don't depend on some one else to make you happy. You will know how to keep the balance in your life between the needs of others and your own. Heal and move on to other, better things and don't be stuck in the past. In time you will be able to handle all those feelings that are holding you down now.

[iscorpio]

Sorry, I totally misunderstood you, I read the first question that came up, I thought you wanted to know the answer as to why she text you, there is no reason why you should make it easier for her, you have to follow your feelings from inside, move on get on with your life if that is what you want if you are sure there is no turning back then that is the best thing to do. I wish you well and hope that your next relationship gives you so much happiness that it erases the pain from the last, everything happens for reason, maybe now is your time to find true happiness. Take care, love and peace anne x

[mckenzie134]

Don't know if you have replied yet but waaswondering how you went did you get back together? Did you reply ? How did you go about this??

[alizeblu]

Look I get it cause I did it myself skell, and its common sense that NC is the best way to go.

You know what then, what's your advice to the guy when she wants him back?

What if a couple years from now when he's all healed up and ready to go, she comes back crying to him?

Now what?

Wait let me guess, slam the door in her face as if she didn't exist right?

You guys give good advice, I know because I've been there too, but your advice is flawed.

You tell them to move on and do better things with your life and enjoy being single, yet, you don't prepare him for the impossible, what if she DOES come back? And really willing to be with him? I believe it was, "expect the unexpected"... yea that's right. He said he loved her, so skell, tal, what's your advice to the guy now?



Because like you said skell, "we just dont get it" right?

So don't depend on someone to make you happy tal?
Yet, in relationships, its your significant other 1st, yourself second right? Cause I member someone telling me that in a healthy relationship going on 8 years.

It's a never ending cycle, then people wonder why everyone's coming on here with ultimatley the same problem, just dressed up in a different way.

Bottom line people make mistakes, you can either live with it, or learn from it.

But no, people can't live with it, because that'll just be another make believe fairytale, happly ever after correct?

So you tell him to move on and maybe you'll meet someone new after you get a full grasp of who you really are, which I believe they called it "healing" correct? Ultimatley learning from it.

I think the guys stronger then you give him credit for.

I never said that "you are going to get her back if you have NC". I never said that.

He said it was over, I'm just looking at it from both angles.

Its not revenge, its not getting her back and its not giving him false hope because obviously as of now its over.

Alls I'm saying is expect the unexpected, thus the phrase"until she comes running back to you".

We all know that you got to heal after you hurt yourself, common sense.

[talaniman]

Your ranting is getting tiresome as if you think everyone is an idiot and you think you know the secret of life. Why not take a chill pill and learn something because the questions you ask can be answered, just ask in a way we can understand.

[Skell]

If in a couple of years when he is all healed up she comes back to him and they wish to try and again and he honestly feels that it would be different that time then I would not advise against him pursuing it.

I have know idea though what you were getting at / asking in the rest of your ramblings.

My apologies!!

[diya]

Ok... as a woman let me put it this way... sometimes we do things in an impulse and do not realize the repurcussions... at that point in time when we are upset about someone we just write and send in an instance... but later the realization dawns upon us: " gosh i should have talked it over" and by then the other person is on the reverse.. in this case "you"... don't be... look at this way... if you like this girl and you feel she couldn't have done that to u.. then open the communication channel that she is willing to have at this point in time. There is NO harm in knowing why she did it... then the choice is still yours... trust me you will feel better... relationships are hard to make and easy to break... so give her a chance to explain herself... that is what I feel... prerogative to maintain NO CONTACT will still be yours buddy... u get my point?

[where did i go wrong]

Ok....as a woman let me put it this way...sometimes we do things in an impulse and do not realize the repurcussions.....at that point in time when we are upset abt someone we just write and send in an instance...but later the realization dawns upon us: " gosh i should have talked it over" and by then the other person is on the reverse

I agree with that, but some women are also too damn stubborn to admit their mistake and instead they just run away, hence that fact she is moving to canada!!
I'm not going to play her games, she had her chance and she blew it, I'm healing myself now and starting to realise that I may just be better off without her. I can't live with someone that is going to make these extreme decisions on a whim, it is not something I could be comfortable with...
If she really wanted to contact me to re-open communication she could call me, she knows where I work, she knows where I live... sending a text and an email is not her re-opening the lines of communication, its her updating me because for some reason she probably feels obliged, probably out of her own guilt.

Alls I'm saying is if you guys thinks she wants back in, I think your wrong, if she did I would expect her make a better effort. If she doesn't make the effort then she's not worth it to me

[diya]

u're right... you have your own answers then... and I am glad you're living up to them... simple the discussion ends here...