[Wondergirl]

He told him that he thinks it was wrong of him and he regrets it and he wants to stop.

And he said that because he knows that is what you want to hear.

[smoothy]

And he said that because he knows that is what you want to hear.

Yep... I'd wager money he is still actually doing it... just being more careful to hide it from her.

Nothing makes a man want to do something more than someone telling him he can't do it.

[greentree30]

He told him that he thinks it was wrong of him and he regrets it and he wants to stop. Maybe if he didn't watch it so often and didn't lie about it I wouldn't mind. Believe me it's not a one sided relationship because I really do a whole lot for him and I enjoy doing things for him as he does for me too

Did he explain why he thinks it's wrong? Has he always felt bad about watching porn or thought it is morally wrong before he was with you? Or does he only feel wrong about it because he's with you?

The likely hood is he's being persuaded by your opinion because you feel so strongly and hurt about it. But as this argument fades and he gets time to himself...

[Wondergirl]

really do a whole lot for him and I enjoy doing things for him as he does for me too

What major pleasurable things have you stopped doing because he told you they are wrong and he doesn't like them and your doing them makes him feel neglected?

[dontknownuthin]

She may not do anything he objects to. If she does, she needs to consider his feelings and stop.

If she's going out to bachelorette parties against his wishes, he is in the right to ask her not to go and she should consider what he's changed for her and honor those wishes. Or if he's annoyed that she leaves her makeup and clothes all over the bathroom, she needs to have the maturity to think "he's honoring my wishes, I need to honor his" and put her stuff away out of courtesy to him. It doesn't have to be an exact trade, but an ongoing process of doing what they can out of consideration for one another.

It's another thing if either of them try to control the other, but asking for the other person to stop doing something that we find hurtful or annoying is not unreasonable. Maybe she texts at the dinner table - rude, she should stop if he asks her to. Or he leaves his stuff all over the house after she cleans up - he should pick up after himself out of consideration.

I'm surprised that this is even an issue - don't we all try to be courteous of people we love, and avoid doing things that are hurtful to them? We can't always honor our loved ones wishes, but when we can, it makes for a nice world.

[Alty]

If you think for one minute that he's giving up porn willingly, you're delusional. He's giving it up because you're ticked off about it, you want him to stop, you're willing to sever the relationship if he doesn't. He'll just find better ways to hide it, and that's the saddest part of all of this, because he shouldn't have to hide it! He should be allowed to be who he is, do what he wants (especially something that doesn't have any effect on you, and is legal) but you're putting down the gauntlet and ordering him to stop, and he's so pu$$y whipped that he's going to do it, rather than stick up for himself and realize that he has rights too.

[smoothy]

She may not do anything he objects to. If she does, she needs to consider his feelings and stop.

If she's going out to bachelorette parties against his wishes, he is in the right to ask her not to go and she should consider what he's changed for her and honor those wishes. Or if he's annoyed that she leaves her makeup and clothes all over the bathroom, she needs to have the maturity to think "he's honoring my wishes, I need to honor his" and put her stuff away out of courtesy to him. It doesn't have to be an exact trade, but an ongoing process of doing what they can out of consideration for one another.

It's another thing if either of them try to control the other, but asking for the other person to stop doing something that we find hurtful or annoying is not unreasonable. Maybe she texts at the dinner table - rude, she should stop if he asks her to. Or he leaves his stuff all over the house after she cleans up - he should pick up after himself out of consideration.

I'm surprised that this is even an issue - don't we all try to be courteous of people we love, and avoid doing things that are hurtful to them? We can't always honor our loved ones wishes, but when we can, it makes for a nice world.

That's the sort of thing people do when dating... pretending to be something other than they really are. Its gets really old after at most a few years...

Not being able to relax and be yourself sucks... feeling a need to do everything just because someone else expects you to... is a burden that sucks the fun out of life...

Now keep in mind what I mean by that... if you HAVE to do that you are trying to make a round peg fit in a square hole.

If your relationship really is a good match... you can each do your own thing... and it doesn't bother the other... because you are both being yourself... and as a result... comfortable doing it. Because you don't have to go against your true nature... or force anything. And neither does your partner.

That's the secret to a long relationship without constant friction or resentment. And most people if they have to constantly do something against their nature just to make someone else happy... will grow to resent doing it over time.

No its not wrong to ask something... its wrong to insist on it. People are who they are... you can't and shouldn't try to mold someone to fit what you want... you should find someone who actually is like you want.

A leopard can't change its spots. Some people spend years or decades before they learn the wisdom behind that. Time they will never get back.

Spoken by someone who learned that lesson 20 years before the average person knew what the internet even was much less got it in their house.

[JudyKayTee]

Red flag, red flag - and maybe someone addressed it prior to this and I missed it. I get cases, probably 4 to 6 a year, when someone has "videos of us," "us" breaks up and those videos are passed around and/or posted.

This person has lied repeatedly to the OP while looking her in the face, is pretending to be someone he is not (and I'm not addressing the porn. I'm addressing the lying about the porn) and she's not concerned that he has videos (and apparently pictures) of "us"?

I suspect this will be my next "do somethng to make him stop showing these videos to his friends" case.

[smoothy]

I never connected PERSONAL videos with those being shown to his friends... I thought it was generic videos...

That would be a hugely different thing, and I for one would be not at all be cool with.

[JudyKayTee]

"He has videos of us and pictures of me so why should he need to watch porn and lie?"

[dontknownuthin]

That's the sort of thing people do when dating...pretending to be something other than they really are. Its gets really old after at most a few years....

Not being able to relax and be yourself sucks...feeling a need to do everything just because someone else expects you to....is a burden that sucks the fun out of life....

Now keep in mind what I mean by that....if you HAVE to do that you are trying to make a round peg fit in a square hole.

If your relationship really is a good match...you can each do your own thing....and it doesn't bother the other....because you are both being yourself...and as a result...comfortable doing it. Because you don't have to go against your true nature...or force anything. And neither does your partner.

That's the secret to a long relationship without constant friction or resentment. And most people if they have to constantly do something against their nature just to make someone else happy...will grow to resent doing it over time.

No its not wrong to ask something....its wrong to insist on it. People are who they are...you can't and shouldn't try to mold someone to fit what you want...you should find someone who actually is like you want.

A leopard can't change its spots. Some people spend years or decades before they learn the wisdom behind that. Time they will never get back.

Spoken by someone who learned that lesson 20 years before the average person knew what the internet even was much less got it in their house.

Again, the advise is to choose to be with someone with whom we're compatible on the major, deal breaker issues. If we pick someone with whom we're compatible on issues we do not feel we can compromise on, then we can be flexible on the rest because it doesn't bother us to give in on those things or make a compromise. The thing is though, there are times we find out something after we've been in a relationship for a while that's a deal-breaker issue for us. We have to deal with these things honestly if we want a good relationship, knowing that the issue might end the relationship. It's not a manipulation to acknowledge the truth as in, "I can't stay in a relationship with you if you're going to continue doing that". It's just the truth.

I suppose it could become a manipulation if an immature person makes such remarks when they don't mean it, or any time they don't get their way but I think we're talking about a higher level of maturity here.

Similarly, the boyfriend might find out that she's gambling, running up huge debt to cover losses. He might also say, "If you don't get help with this and stop gambling and deal with this debt, we're going to have to break up. I don't see a future wish someone who will drag me into bankruptcy".

[smoothy]

Again, the advise is to choose to be with someone with whom we're compatible on the major, deal breaker issues. If we pick someone with whom we're compatible on issues we do not feel we can compromise on, then we can be flexible on the rest because it doesn't bother us to give in on those things or make a compromise. The thing is though, there are times we find out something after we've been in a relationship for a while that's a deal-breaker issue for us. We have to deal with these things honestly if we want a good relationship, knowing that the issue might end the relationship. It's not a manipulation to acknowledge the truth as in, "I can't stay in a relationship with you if you're going to continue doing that". It's just the truth.

I supose it could become a manipulation if an immature person makes such remarks when they don't mean it, or any time they don't get their way but I think we're talking about a higher level of maturity here.

Similarly, the boyfriend might find out that she's gambling, running up huge debt to cover losses. He might also say, "If you don't get help with this and stop gambling and deal with this debt, we're going to have to break up. I don't see a future wish someone who will drag me into bankruptcy".

I'm 51... I've been dating since I was 15... if you have to bend and contort every day to not upset the other person... its not going to last long... and I consider even five years like that a long time... most people will get fed up in a lot less time... and you have to be a true submissive masochist to put up with it for longer than that...

And if you look at the divorce rates... they will back up what I said... people think OH... I can put up with this because I can't do any better... or I'm desperate for anyone.. not just the right one.

Eventually it gets on their nerves... and they begin to understand they aren't really happy after all... or worse... they begin to really hate the other person. It rarely happens overnight... but it creeps up a little at a time.

Now I'm not talking about the " please dear would you not fart on the couch when I'm sitting next to you" type thing. But more of the " you will dres this way...talk this way....you will not associate with those friends you had since childhood because I don't like them...but you WILL have to put up with MY annoying frineds". Or "Get rid of all those old trophies and memorabilia you've had for decades because they don't fit in with the new curtains and bedspread I just got at a flea market"

Or even.. ".I don't like sports....there will be no sports in this house if you want to sleep with me"


Those are slightly exaggerated for impact... but those are real things I've known women to pull... I single out the woman in the example only because I'm a straight man... so that's my perspective. It could be a guy doing it to a woman just as easily.

I single out the differences between a single request... from long term manipulation by the amount of time one has to do something.

Example... "Don't watch that ballgame today because there is something I really want to see" Simple closed end request... short and one time in nature. Not an unreasonible request.


Vs. "Don't watch football (or pick any sport) because I hate sports and don't want to listen to them ever. Which is an open ended... long term request.. with no foreseeable cutoff... I see a big problem with that.

Simple requests are fine and not what I would consider out of line... its the open ended long term things that I do.

Something usually becomes manipulation long before the effected person recognises it as such.


Another example would be like a guy trying to talk a clearly smitten girl... I like you but you really need a boob job because I'm a boob guy... and keeps asking her over and over when she really has nothing wrong with her boobs and doesn't want a boob job... that is until the moment she relents and gets it... then hates them... because she was pushed into it to make him happy and keep the peace.. In time she resents being talked into it.. and they divorce or break up.

[backpack2389]

I am in agreement with dontknownuthin about dealbreakers - it was a case I had unsuccessfully tried to make before. People can encounter differences that can't be overcome. When such issues come up, I think it's right to say "I can't stay in a relationship with you if you really think this way/if you continue down this path/etc.," It seems like manipulation and a threat - it's often presumed to be that and only that in these situations.

But how else should it be dealt with? Should one person just leave without explaining first? And, as soon as they do explain, should they assume blame for 'pressuring' someone into change? If I were doing something that upset my partner so much he wanted to leave me, I hope he'd at least discuss it with me before walking out. Then it would be up to me if I think my behavior needs changing and/or if my relationship is motivation/reason enough to make that change.

Honest communication is necessary for a good relationship, something smoothy has been advocating. It doesn't mean that such communication can't/won't be used for manipulation. But not being honest about issues that are major (if only major to one partner) can be as damaging as manipulation and insincere promises.

[talaniman]

Honesty starts with the first date, or encounter, and builds through the grand process of dating. Getting to know someone. Many jump into the experiment of living together so quickly they have not in fact made neither a credible agreement, nor a commitment, nor paid attention to the red flags (questions/behavior) they find annoying. They are unprepared to be room mates.

Without this honesty from the get go, when the fun of lust fades what's left, and what do you do about it? Simple room mates would leave or make adjustments, through honest communications. So the greatest compatibility issues are solved through communicating and the willingness to compromise. Without either, you may as well face facts and leave each other alone and go your separate ways.

Without agreement, AND commitment, you are wasting time any way, and the grand experiment of living together fails.

[jcsaviour921]

People have addictions to certain things in life. Watching porn is just one of those things. Try and divert the addicted person's attention to something more productive like gardening, taking care of pets or other people. A person who has a lot of free time and don't know what to do with it becomes idle. Idle hands can do undesirable things.

[JudyKayTee]

Cure an addiction to porn or anything else by gardening?

I see no indication that the boyfriend is watching porn because he's bored.

And your opinion about him lying?

[Alty]

People have addictions to certain things in life. Watching porn is just one of those things. Try and divert the addicted person's attention to something more productive like gardening, taking care of pets or other people. A person who has a lot of free time and don't know what to do with it becomes idle. Idle hands can do undesirable things.

How did you conclude that this is an addiction? The OP never mentioned anything that would lead to that conclusion.

[CravenMorhead]

He said that he feels ashamed and embarrassed about himself for hiding porn. I guess I understand why he lied about it. He hasn't lied to me about anything else (that I know of) and he has been trustworthy in every other way.

(I was shipped to china, and have just had a chance to look at this thread.)

If he was honest and told you about it, would it make you feel better? "Honey, I off to watch some midget porn. It is this really hot one where bridget takes on the football team. I will be in my office."

Just had to put in that comment.

[Meffikinz]

OMFG! This exact thing happened to me. I told him how much it hurt me and I used all the words I had to tell him and he felt so bad that he stopped. I was so controlling and told him not to. Porn was the one thing that could hurt me more than anything and it happened anyway... If you tell him the reasons you're not okay with it and how much it pains you to see and hear this happening maybe he will get the idea. If he loves you he will not want to see you hurting.

[Alty]

OMFG!! this exact thing happend to me. I told him how much it hurt me and I used all the words I had to tell him and he felt so bad that he stopped. I was so controlling and told him not to. Porn was the one thing that could hurt me more than anything and it happend anyways... If you tell him the reasons why youre not okay with it and how much it pains you to see and hear this happening maybe he will get the idea. If he loves you he will not want to see you hurting.

And if she loves him she'll realize that forbidding someone to do something that has nothing to do with you, is legal, and is done by most men, is not okay.

Why should he have to prove his love?

Let's turn the tables. Let's say he really dislikes her job, it makes him uncomfortable, it's the one thing that can hurt him, it pains him. Does he have the right to tell her to quit? Should she quit to make him happy?

Bottom line, if she can't accept who he is, can't accept that porn has nothing to do with his love for her, or his passion for her, can't let him be who he is, then she should find someone else, someone whose hobbies or likes she can tolerate. No one should have to change to make someone else happy. That's not love.