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smoothy · Mar 30, 2011, 06:30 AM

Originally Posted by martinizing2

danyy
Comment on talaniman's post

Exactly true . SO i should find that out whether something is true or not rather than being driven nuts!

I think it may be too late.

But keep trying.

Yes... even if it goes noplace... he needs the practice and experience. And not every woman you approach will even want to be with you, or like you. But you can't win the lottery... if you don't buy a ticket. And just because the first ticket didn't win... who can say the next one won't pay off.

martinizing2 · Mar 30, 2011, 06:40 AM

The OP has received excellent suggestions and input from you all.
If he acts on just one , instead of speculating , it could advance
His world into a new dimension of hope.

A round of greenies for all, on me.

smoothy · Mar 30, 2011, 07:02 AM

Originally Posted by ;

Haha Yes I am romantically interested in her, I would love to marry her and not bang her. See Telling my feelings to her would atleast let out my honesty. She can't know what am I doing, if I have an intention to bang her I can still do it by doing friendship with her and then manipulating her. Secondly, may be this friendship thing wasn't something she wanted to hear, she wanted to hear more because she herself nodded on friendship after first refusing like a mad girl!

You never told us what country you live in so we are guessing on the cultural aspects.

And another sign you are overthinking this... is you saying you would love to marry her, but you don't even know what kind of a person she is yet.. statistically you will most likely find out she isn't the kind of person you imagined she was... or that you will have personality conflicts.

Besides... she already knows what you are doing. As you described her actions... I can see she is fully aware of what's going on in your mind.

Never underestimate a woman's ability to see striaght through the crap right to your true motives. Women on average are better at playing that game than most guys are.

And you really don't want to marry a woman you don't want to bang. That's one of the joys of being married. And if you marry... you plan on being married for a long time. And who said... "Forever is a very long time".

Because if you go into a marriage already thinking about divorce... you really shouldn't be getting married.

talaniman · Mar 30, 2011, 07:04 AM

Exactly true . SO I should find that out whether something is true or not rather than being driven nuts!

Enjoy them whether they like you or not, if they don't, there are plenty more who might. You just have to know not to get that carried away by the rather intense feelings you may have, and have no fear of rejection.

Once you get some good coping skills, mostly through experience, you will deal with almost any situation, and even the most cool, and collected guys have to go through "growing pains" to even be experienced.

Join the party.

smoothy · Mar 30, 2011, 07:24 AM

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.

Yes... can't tell you how many growing pains and hard lessons it took me to learn the hard way in the pre-World Wide Web days.

southamerica · Mar 30, 2011, 07:43 AM

Absolutely talaniman. The way I handled rejection even 5 years ago has significantly improved.

Dating requires on-the-job training. Not many get it right the first couple of times.

danyy · Mar 30, 2011, 11:40 AM

It may be rejection it can be acceptance. All I can do is go like a man and find out. I lie in Pakistan so if you know the culture there you can make a guess. Secondly, she knows what I'll do so she'd be expecting me to say something. You give me thumbs up or down to go and say what I have to say?

smoothy · Mar 30, 2011, 12:08 PM

Never would have guessed Pakistan (except for being an area that was once a British Colony before the partition as I guessed)... your english is fantastic.

I've known a couple people from Pakistan (a few guys and one woman) but not so well to be an expert on your cultural norms beyond a few things.

But it does explain a lot of things.

Go talk to her... but do so without expecting anything in return. That's step one. IF you get to be friends... then be friends. Looks fade. And if her personality isn't endearing enough on its own... then keep looking. You won't know this until you have actually been friends for some time.

Just talk about something you might share in common... School, music.. or some other interest.

You have to be able to think on your feet as we say... which means you have to adapt to the situation. We can tell you one thing but if you find yourself in a different situation you would be lost.

Most important thing... be yourself. Be on your best behaviour of course to give the best impression... but don't pretend to be someone you aren't. The nervousness will fade once you get past the initial phase. Like was said over and over... don't over analyze it. Everything doesn't have a grand hidden meaning behind it.

And remember... not everyone is meant to be with just anyone. You both have to find yourself with another that each of you finds compelling, beyond superficial looks.

I also assume she isn't from a family where Arrainged marriages are the norm or expected. If she is that can be a reason for resistance. And yes I do a know a few people in arrainged marriages from different parts of the world. I don't know exactly how common that practice is in Pakistan, just that it is common enough you will know some people who are or will be in an arrainged marriage.

danyy · Mar 31, 2011, 11:56 AM

Yes, I am from Pakistan and Pakistanis do speak and write good english. Secondly, I know that much that she belongs to a conservative family so they tend to protect their girls. Yes, I'll say to her openly and honestly and I know that her initial answer may be a "NO" but who knows what happened next. Judge from this context and let me know her previous answer meant to be positive or not? I am gong to take this step Inshallah (by the grace of GOD) on Saturday!

smoothy · Mar 31, 2011, 12:18 PM

I can't say what's really in her mind without knowing her.

The worst that will happen by just going and talking to her is nothing happens. The best would be you do end up friends, and in time... who knows.

There are no sure things in life. Except taxes and death. The rest we take our chances on.

So just suck up the courage and do it... its really not as hard as obsessing over it is.

The feeling of panic won't last as long as you think it will.

I don't think you risk having her brothers beat you up for talking to her.

I've found if you are nervous about something... its best to just do it and get it over with. You won't ever convince yourself to be NOT nervous.

Just like having something unpleasant to do... you can put it off and prolong the misery, or you can do it first... get it over with... and move on to the next thing at hand. If you understand what I'm trying to say.

You've obsesed about this for how long now? You aren't any less nervous, right?. if you just DO IT. It might be over in 5 minutes. And the next time... if she shows interest, will be much easier.

danyy · Mar 31, 2011, 09:49 PM

I am a bit nervous but I am more concerned that what will happen if she says no. How am I going to cope with it. But let's see what happens then

smoothy · Apr 1, 2011, 04:40 AM

Originally Posted by danyy

I am a bit nervous but i am more concerned that what will happen if she says no. How am i going to cope with it. But let's see what happens then

If she says no? What's going to happen is its going to hurt... and you are going to feel bad for a few days. Most of that is because of the unreasonable expectations you have created in your mind... and this pedestal you have placed her on before you ever even really talked with her. Its like that for everyone but the most narcissistic people. Its part of life... you simple get over it an move on. Its like that for everyone... man or woman (yes it's a repeat, but I'm trying to stress this point), and it always will be. It doesn't hurt you. In fact it helps you build character. Life is going to hold plenty of disappointments along the way, and this is only one of them.

danyy · Apr 7, 2011, 03:24 AM

Last thing. I waited for her outside my class for a very long time. She came out very late and when she walked past me I called her name but I think she couldn't hear. I followed her all the way and caught her standing and talking to another guy. I again called her name, she looked and again started talking to her friend. I sat down hoping that she would come once the conversation ends. When it ended she went to the bathroom, I went up to the canteen besides the bathroom waiting for her to come out. When she came I again called her, she looked at me somewhat like looking at an insect. She asked "what, is there something important" in a very rude manner as if she wasn't wanting to listen to anything. I said"no, go". Next I don't remember wholly what she said but I remember that she said that "I have my own set of friends and friendship is not OK with me".
I don't know what happened to her, I wasn't expecting her saying this even before I said something and more importantly she sounded like now I was bothering her, whereas, I never was and lastly few days before I was feeling that she wanted me to talk to her but that faded away after some time!

smoothy · Apr 7, 2011, 05:56 AM

Originally Posted by danyy

Last thing. I waited for her outside my class for a very long time. She came out very late and when she walked past me i called her name but i think she couldn't hear. I followed her all the way and caught her standing and talking to another guy. I again called her name, she looked and again started talking to her friend. I sat down hoping that she would come once the conversation ends. When it ended she went to the bathroom, i went up to the canteen besides the bathroom waiting for her to come out. When she came i again called her, she looked at me somewhat like looking at an insect. She asked "what, is there something important" in a very rude manner as if she wasn't wanting to listen to anything. I said"no, go". Next i don't remember wholly what she said but i remember that she said that "I have my own set of friends and friendship is not OK with me".
I don't know what happened to her, i wasn't expecting her saying this even before i said something and more importantly she sounded like now I was bothering her, whereas, i never was and lastly few days before i was feeling that she wanted me to talk to her but that faded away after some time!.

If you had doubts before... you shouldn't have them now. She has very clearly indicated she isn't interested... and in fact she was annoyed by you following her around. And she basiclly told you that without using those exact words.

Take this as a lesson you don't invent entire imaginary lives in your mind with anyone you haven't even gotten to be friends with yet. You set yourself up to be hurt more often and more easily when you do. Like I have said before... talk to more women, don't expect most of them to have more than a casual interest. The woman you eventually find that turns out to be the love of your life may be the one you never expected.

I hate to say it but you really did set yourself up for this. We did warn you about it repeatedly however.

It might be cute for a puppy or kitten to follow you around... but when it comes to people its not. And women are far less tollerant of it than men are. Most women are attracted by self confidence and courage. If you lack either you are starting at a disadvantage, but follow them around like you just described and more will be what we call in the USA... "Creeped out". I don't expect you to understand that term (its an American slang or Idiom).. but what it means is she will be VERY uncomfortable with what she would see as a strange and unwelcome behaviour and attention.

And in a culture where interaction between men and women tend to be very reserved and formal... as you have described in your country, that may be a far easier mistake to make, than in a culture where its more relaxed.

Just so you don't feel quite so bad for yourself. It's a lesson everyone has to learn. We just tend to learn it at a younger age here. Shy people take longer to learn it, sometimes a lot longer.

danyy · Apr 7, 2011, 07:23 AM

Like I have told you this, believe me everything I told you everything, THE TRUTH!! And believe me she used to to stare at me very fondly, so much that I had to turn my eyes around. I cannot fathom a guess what was that! NO one can now!

smoothy · Apr 7, 2011, 07:35 AM

Originally Posted by danyy

Like i have told you this, believe me everything i told you everything, THE TRUTH!!! And believe me she used to to stare at me very fondly, so much that i had to turn my eyes around. I cannot fathom a guess what was that!! NO one can now!!

I do not doubt you believed everything you have told us.

What I am saying is that sometimes we see only what we want to see. And our minds can sometimes make us see things that really are not there. Or see things incorrectly.

I DO understand what you said. I DO believe that you actually believed you saw it that way.

The point I am trying to make is you wanted this so much that you was seeing everything as a positive sign when on several points what was really happening was she was just trying to be nice and not lead you to believe more. And NOT giving you the sorts of signals you think you saw. And what happened this last time is she was really trying to avoid you until she had no choice and she was honest and told you her true feelings.

That can be a problem in cultures where hospitality to others is important, until you learn how to read someone's body language (a very difficult skill to learn). You will be nice to someone you really may not like because its what you are expected to do. Up to a limit. It can be difficult to separate what is hospitality from what is true interest or even liking someone.

And yes I have known several Pakistanis here, as well as from other Cultures where this is important as well. So I can understand how its possible for this to happen.

danyy · Apr 7, 2011, 07:52 AM

I appreciate what you said but my point is only and only that until 4 months when she was staring and started a bit of conversation, I wasn't interested in her, forget the point of taking positives from her behavior. She was a Miss NOBODY to me!! I did not know her neither did I want to know. I never gave her any signal that you come and be hospitable to me in fact I had never said Hi to her during previous 3 years. You may say that being hospitable came to her mind suddenly and she started staring and talking to me all of a sudden. I started taking positive signs only until this semester when I myself became interested or infatuated as you may say but previously you may not believe but I despised every girl in my class and used to attend very less classes. You say that all her staring was a means of hospitality?? I cannot fathom a guess still.

smoothy · Apr 7, 2011, 08:21 AM

Originally Posted by danyy

i appreciate what you said but my point is only and only that until 4 months when she was staring and started a bit of conversation, i wasn't interested in her, forget the point of taking positives from her behavior. She was a Miss NOBODY to me!!! I did not know her neither did i want to know. I never gave her any signal that you come and be hospitable to me in fact i had never said Hi to her during previous 3 years. You may say that being hospitable came to her mind suddenly and she started staring and talking to me all of a sudden. I started taking positive signs only until this semester when i myself became interested or infatuated as you may say but previously you may not believe but i despised every girl in my class and used to attend very less classes. You say that all her staring was a means of hospitality??? I cannot fathom a guess still.!

One thing in life that is certain... you have to accept some things for what they are. You can't and won't get serious in depth answers to everything. This will be one of those times. You won't get to know what she thought about you, and why. You forget about it... understand it was a huge waste of time, and move on.

You simply accept it as it is. People can look at other people and not be ready or even willing to think about having a relationship with them. They can even be nice to people they don't want to date or even like, and even talk to them.

It's that way here, and it will be universal everywhere in the world too.

Some places they won't even pretend to be nice if they don't like you for any reason.

talaniman · Apr 7, 2011, 09:03 AM

Geez guy, face the fact that you missed your window of opportunity, and now its gone, kaput, nada, ziltch!! Just like you had no feelings in the beginning, but they changed, so did hers!!

When that happens you let it go and move on, not get stuck in the crap you are in. Humans may think logically, but let this be a lesson, they don't always follow logic when feelings are concerned.

Its not her, its you who are following an illogical path, with illogical actions after new facts have come to light.

Now let this go. Let her go.