[J_9]

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[Alty]

Anopersuer, I think it's time to let this go, move on, before you yourself get into trouble for meddling into this families life.

You did what was suggested, which was talk to the father. He made it clear that the girls aren't abused, he's just strict, and that's his right as their father.

Concentrate on raising your daughter the way you want, and let him raise his daughters the way he sees fit.

Also, just for your information, the Amish are alive and well, they still exist today. We have a community of Amish living close to our town. They are very strict with their children, because of their religious beliefs.

Get on with your life and leave this issue alone. Okay?

Good luck to you and your family.

[Anopersuser]

I understand what you mean about going on, and I'm not going there again on Friday, but I just hope you understand even for me I think it's hard. Imagine yourself being a little girl, and you always try to do your best to obey your strict father's requests and rules on how you shall act, behave, dress and do, and when you do any mistake, he becomes so mad at you that you begin to cry, but instead of a comfort your are met with a shouting. Being strict to your daughters is one thing, both at home and in public, but this is such an extreme case.

Personally if I was one of these girls, I would always be nervous. When I asked my daughter how she would react, she said would cry. I also said to her that the way these girls seemed to care for each other may be the strongest hope.

[jenniepepsi]

I'm sorry but I personally wouldn't comfort my child when she is being repremanded. No matter how the scolding is, if she wants to cry she can cry. I'm not going to comfort her when she is in trouble.

Honestly, I'm starting to think you are a troll. But you seem so bewildered that I'm wondering if you are just not understanding quite clearly.

[QLP]

The world is full of problems that can make us feel sad for other people. If we were to let every problem sit in our minds all the time we would be emotional wrecks. Compassion is a good thing but it needs to be tempered with pragmatism.

There are some situations we cannot do anything about.
Use your compassion in places where it will make a difference.
Visit the old lady who lives nearby and gets no company. Volunteer at your local school (if this is something that is done in your country). Have a clear out and get that stuff taken down to a charity shop. Take an active interest in supporting those causes that mean a lot to you.

I find that if I know I am making a difference where I can it is easier to accept the cases where I can't.

Maybe things could be better for those girls. They certainly could be worse. They have parents that care for them, food in their bellies, clothes on their backs, and a roof over their heads. Not all chilldren do. Sponsor that child in Africa. Go out rattling tins for that homeless charity.

Let this one go and make yourself and someone else a little happier by doing something that will make a difference.

I can't help feeling that there is a little more to this than just compassion. It seems like you have a desire to convince everyone that your way of parenting is the right way. Usually when we feel like that it is because we have a niggling doubt as to whether we ourselves are doing great as parents. We all question this at times and none of us gets it right all the time. Think about it.

[88sunflower]

im sorry but i personally wouldnt comfort my child when she is being repremanded. no matter how the scolding is, if she wants to cry she can cry. im not going to comfort her when she is in trouble.

honestly, im starting to think you are a troll. but you seem so bewildered that im wondering if you are just not understanding quite clearly.

Jennie I have to agree with you. If my son is in trouble and I scold him then so be it. If he cries well I am not going to comfort him either. What will this teach him? He is in trouble, he was punished. If he reacts by crying that's his problem not mine.

[88sunflower]

I am also starting to think your getting your own daughter way to involved in this. I almost see you pushing it on her. Like we have all said just let it rest now. You have made it clear to him how you feel. No matter how you get involved in those other girls lives it won't change his parenting style. You don't have to agree with it but those are his ways. One positive way to look at it is they looked healthy, they were being fed and they were dressed nice. Would it give you comfort to see a hungry, beaten kid in ripped up clothes but with loving parents? There is no win-win here. Its time to get over it.

[J_9]

In my opinion I think the OP gets her 12 year old daughter way too involved for several things that are just too sensitive of a nature for a child of that age.

[Anopersuser]

So if she throws herself over you crying, do you just continue scolding? I always comfort her if she cries, even when I punish her (like grounding pr having her write lines), I can't neglect her emotions, some children are more emotional.

[Anopersuser]

If I see about poor people in Africa with children who are hungry (not beaten) but with loving parents, I can cry for them, but still feel hope and a warmth. In this case as I said, the hope may be how the girls seemed to care for each other.

[Alty]

So if she throws herself over you crying, do you just continue scolding? I always comfort her if she cries, even when I punish her (like grounding pr having her write lines), I can't neglect her emotions, some children are more emotional.

If my children are hurt and crying, then of course they get comfort, but if they're crying because they are being punished, no. If you comfort a child while he/she is being punished you're only teaching the child that crying will make mommy and daddy stop punishing. What's the point in that?

If one of my kids has a fit or starts crying during a punishment (writing lines, grounding, time out), they're sent to their room until they stop crying, and then the punishment continues when they are done. This has taught them that the punishment will not stop just because they're crying, and that it's just better to get the punishment over with and move on.

[88sunflower]

So if she throws herself over you crying, do you just continue scolding? I always comfort her if she cries, even when I punish her (like grounding pr having her write lines), I can't neglect her emotions, some children are more emotional.

Actually yes I do that. Honestly if my son starts his crying fits when I am scolding him it gets on my nerves even more and he usually gets yelled at for crying. His crying leads to his sassy mouth so I am not for it. Crying gets him sent to his room with the door shut so I don't have to hear it. Is that bad? Not at all. Why should I have to listen to it I wasn't the one doing anything wrong. That's his problem if he gets in trouble and can't handle the consequences. That's how our children learn and grow. Your daughter can't go through life thinking she can do what she wants and a few tears will get her out of it. That's now how it works. I am not quesioning your parenting or anyone else's so please don't get defensive. My point was just how I handle my son.

[Anopersuser]

Sure I can send her to her room with some tears, but when the punishment is over, it is. As that girl said, they were only comforted when very serious things happened. Sure he can do so, but do you scold your kid for every pure misstake?

[88sunflower]

Sure I can send her to her room with some tears, but when the punishment is over, it is. As that girl said, they were only comforted when very serious things happened. Sure he can do so, but do you scold your kid for every pure misstake?

Not to continue with this but I have raised my voice at my son for spilling something on his clothes. Its called losing your patience. It happens to every parent out there. We all react our own way. I have swore like a drunken sailor just watching him accidentally spill his milk. Did I mean it? Not really. Did he cry? Yes at the time he did. I did hug him then and told him I wasn't really mad it was an accident. Again, that's different when you lose your patience. If I ask him again and again not to do something and he looks me in the face and does it anyway. You want to bet his little butt better be running. Mama isn't happy.

[Anopersuser]

Just because I comfort her during punishment, I don't reduce the punishment. I usually ground her and let her write lines, if she comes to cry or ask something she can, then I tell her to go back continuing writing (except it's extremely serious).

[dontknownuthin]

I have a cousin who has two children. My cousin is an alcoholic and has not been appropriate in his behavior when the kids have been present, in raging alcoholic fits with his ex-wife while they were together. She is bi-polar and does not take her medication. Our family was at a loss of what to do but a stranger like you saw the mother out with the children, being mean to the children, and reported the situation to social services. The children were taken away from both parents, and placed with their grandmother. Some might think this is terrible, but those children are in a much, much better situation and both parents are motivated to improve their circumstances, with mixed results. The point is, if you see children being abused whether through neglect, physical, mental or emotional and it's not just a passing moment of a harried parent, you can certainly report the abuse to the authorities. Being a tyrant to one's children is emotional abuse.

[Anopersuser]

I agree with you. We don't accept adult people acting as tyrants to each other, so why with kids? Having strict rules and dress codes for your daughters is one thing, but after all they're still your daughters, not slave girls.

[DoulaLC]

I have a cousin who has two children. My cousin is an alcoholic and has not been appropriate in his behavior when the kids have been present, in raging alcoholic fits with his ex-wife while they were together. She is bi-polar and does not take her medication. Our family was at a loss of what to do but a stranger like you saw the mother out with the children, being mean to the children, and reported the situation to social services. The children were taken away from both parents, and placed with their grandmother. Some might think this is terrible, but those children are in a much, much better situation and both parents are motivated to improve their circumstances, with mixed results. The point is, if you see children being abused whether through neglect, physical, mental or emotional and it's not just a passing moment of a harried parent, you can certainly report the abuse to the authorities. Being a tyrant to one's children is emotional abuse.

When obvious concerns are evident, this is true, but in the situation presented by the OP, whether this would constitute abuse is debatable. Does he appear strict and have high expectations of his children... certainly. But that does not automatically equate with emotional abuse.

Again, I am surprised that the children would give out so much information to a stranger and I am a bit taken aback by the apparent questioning of the children that occurred to obtain so much information.

Given the benefit of the doubt, she saw what she felt was inappropriate, she felt the need to voice her concern to those involved, and that is all that can be done.

[Anopersuser]

At 14, the older's a teenage girl. Maybe she was now tired of all these years of just having to do and dress as being told, and saw it as a chance. While not abuse, don't you think his actings affects his kids (sad memories, bad self-confidence).

[Jake2008]

I think it is time to close this thread.

Your original question has been thouroughly and very thoughtfully answered, and I have not seen new information since your contact with the father in question.

With all due respect, if you have a new question relating to child discipline or development, why not post a new question, as it relates directly to your own child, or your own concerns with her.

Your original post, in my opinion, has run the gammut of any and all answers, suggestions, and guidance dealing with the situation you originally posted.

Anything beyond what has already been said is splitting hairs and is off topic.

Just my opinion, but unless there is new information regarding the original post you made, anything that has now developed from that, should be its' own, new question.