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jellyfish1981 · Oct 23, 2009, 12:58 PM

Thanks everyone for the opinions. It helped a great deal. I guess it was great seeing what was going on in my head coming from other people as well and getting the chance to know how might be thinking too. He has been calling me again and again to make me feel better and said that he would much rather take crap from me then not talk to me at all. So I guess he has kind of won me over with this. But wouldn't have been possible without all the inputs here.
Thanks a ton

Cat1864 · Oct 23, 2009, 02:21 PM

Good luck getting everything ironed out and back on stable footing. :)

emopunk7 · Oct 24, 2009, 03:20 AM

Come back within 2 weeks and let us know how are things going. I'm glad things are going okay so far.

jellyfish1981 · Oct 24, 2009, 02:40 PM

Hi everyone,

This question is not so much a problem that I am facing but more of a general opinion that I need. My boyfriend is really close to his mother. She is an amazing and a very strong person and I get along really well with her. What I want comments on is that she has been married thrice and has had many more relationships. Her approach towards relationship is that if a person is unhappy in a relationship then they should get out of it and from what she has told me (though it was never entirely her fault) she has acted on this principle. She is 66 and is again not too happy with her current husband. My parents belong to a completely different world of thought and have been together happily for 35 years and have always told me to compromise and try to work things out. Now my question is that how much of an influence does a parent has on their child. I completely believe that unless things get too out of hand and beyond repair a couple should always try and work things out. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years and except for certain issues - which almost all couples go through and another one which I posted in my first thread - things have been great. I am not saying that he would have the same chain of thought because there is no way of finding that out right now, but what do you think? How much of an influence do parents have?

talaniman · Oct 24, 2009, 03:24 PM

There is no telling what kind of baggage he is carrying, but I think the way we were raised plays an important part in making us who we are, whether we copy our parents, or do just the opposite.

I also think that 4 years without a solid plan the two of you are working actively on, makes a difference also (sorry to make a general question personal). We all have to have a process in which we see, and understand things, and that comes from the strongest influences in our lives, our parents, or others, who have played a strong role. Whether for the good, or bad.

jellyfish1981 · Oct 24, 2009, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

There is no telling what kind of baggage he is carrying, but I think the way we were raised plays an important part in making us who we are, whether we copy our parents, or do just the opposite.

I also think that 4 years without a solid plan the two of you are working actively on, makes a difference also (sorry to make a general question personal). We all have to have a process in which we see, and understand things, and that comes from the strongest influences in our lives, our parents, or others, who have played a strong role. Whether for the good, or bad.

I am not exactly sure what you mean by "without a solid plan" - but if you are talking about what my boyfriend and I have planned it is that right now he is looking for jobs. Once he has one and he has settled in the job within two years from now we plan to get married and I would move to where he is.

But I agree that it plays an important part. I guess that this has always been a slight worry of mine but I dare not disrespect my boyfriend or his mother by saying something like this out loud.

jellyfish1981 · Oct 24, 2009, 10:51 PM

As you all have read I have decided to give him a chance as long as he doesn't attempt to do something like this in future without at least asking for my opinion to which he agreed. Even though he has been texting but those have been short. This morning I received a mail from him in which he wrote:

"I tired calling you but my phone was barred. I'm relieved I can send you texts however. I'll try and find a way to call you today or get a Thai sim card.

We arrived last night and jumped into a taxi to go to the touristy area. As soon as we checked into our rooms we headed to some bar/restaurants where we had a few drinks and I ate Thai fried rice. The food was extremely delicious. We didn't stay out too long because it had been a long day so went back and slept."

This is making me extremely jealous as going to new places, trying out good food has always been our thing. I am physically stopping myself from writing something mean to him right now. Please help. How should I respond to this?

emopunk7 · Oct 25, 2009, 12:30 AM

I really don't get how you even accepted him to go... I don't get why people try to force themselves to trust everything just because the people say so here. If you couldn't deal with it then you should have been honest. That is GOOD communication. At this point there is nothing you can do. He went on the trip and is doing what he wants and whether you choose to believe him or not is your choice now. I just wouldn't like this at all. Getting drinks with a new girl and all. Just as there isn't that much love in the world, I don't think there's that much trust in the world. Then again, I'm not the best at trusting most say.

jellyfish1981 · Oct 25, 2009, 12:52 AM

Originally Posted by emopunk7

I really don't get how you even accepted him to go...I don't get why people try to force themselves to trust everything just because the people say so here. If you couldn't deal with it then you should have been honest. That is GOOD communication. At this point there is nothing you can do. He went on the trip and is doing what he wants and whether you choose to believe him or not is your choice now. I just wouldn't like this at all. Getting drinks with a new girl and all. Just as there aint that much love in the world, I don't think there's that much trust in the world. Then again, I'm not the best at trusting most say.

I know that he is not cheating on me. If he had to cheat he could have done so even in hong kong. He didn't have to go to a new country to do that. Second why would he continue to be in a long distance relationship when he and I both have opportunities otherwise. This is not a question where I am asking if he is cheating on me I am just not able to handle that he is away right now sharing all these things with this girl which I am supposed to do with him

emopunk7 · Oct 25, 2009, 01:13 AM

I didn't say he was cheating. Who said that? I'm saying I couldn't deal with that. You said you know he is not cheating so then why worry unless you really think otherwise. And the two of you are suppose to do lots of things together but you are not around and you okayed him being there so now he has to do them with someone else. Sorry if you don't like this. Its just my opinion. I just wouldn't like this.

To be more sympathetic, I'd say that at least he is emailing you and since you say he won't cheat then just believe in that. Just hold tight and let this pass and hopefully it won't happen again.

overayear · Oct 26, 2009, 03:14 PM

Your boyfriend is giving you a play by play of his whole trip. Give him a break all ready, I think he is going far and beyond what he should be doing. I have learned very important lessons from my past relationships, and one of them is to never let someone stop you from doing what you want to do... The only person that is for sure ALWAYS going to be there is you. I agree that he should have spoken with you first instead of just making the plans on his own. You decided to give him a "chance" so give him one. He is trying his best to make you at ease with this situation by letting you know everything he is doing.

redhed35 · Oct 26, 2009, 03:22 PM

To be honest,I see your point..

He is experiencing new things with someone else,even though he is keeping you informed,it does not stop the hurt...

At this stage all you can do is accept the situation as it stands,and wish him a great holiday,its hard,but what can you do,trying to hurt him now and ruin his holiday because your hurting will do more harm then good.

If he is talking to you and texting you,your on his mind.

Jayjay027 · Oct 26, 2009, 03:27 PM

I have to agree, it would tear me up if my boyfriend was on a trip with another girl.

But you said you were going to let it go and forgive him, so you have to do that. Reminding him constantly how he hurt you and how he messed up will push him away, because he will get sick of hearing it.

Besides, he knows he has a lot of making up to do, so look forward to that part.

jellyfish1981 · Oct 29, 2009, 06:32 AM

I agree here with everyone saying that I have to stand by my actions. But in reality what choice did I really have accept let it go? Breaking up over this when he has not even cheated is definitely overreacting so that would not have worked. Plus, I cannot disregard the fact that we have had 4 1/2 great years together. Do I want to break up with the person I am in love with because he did this which hurt me - no and I doubt many people here would. Could I have stopped him from going - no. was I bothered about the fact that he is going - YES. I did have three horrible days thinking all sorts of scenarios while he was on his holiday but I stopped myself from ruining it for him while he was away. However, even though I tried not to I could not really stop myself from starting an argument with him once he was back. There was a lot of screaming and shouting and crying but in the end we sorted things out and everything is back to where it was before this whole thing started. We have now decided not to talk about it anymore and I do feel that I am past it now but it was far from fun and not something I would ever want to go through again because this whole feeling of insecurity is probably the worst in the world.

I wish · Oct 29, 2009, 06:38 AM

You're trying so hard to repair this relationship, while his mind is somewhere else.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. Maybe you want to work hard to fix this relationship, but does he?

If you're not on a the same page, this relationship is going to end whether you want to or not.

jellyfish1981 · Oct 29, 2009, 06:41 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

You're trying so hard to repair this relationship, while his mind is somewhere else.

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. Maybe you want to work hard to fix this relationship, but does he?

If you're not on a the same page, this relationship is going to end whether you want to or not.

After and during this whole episode he told me over and over again that he wants to be with me, nothing happened with that girl and that nothing was ever going to happen. So I am relying on these words and working towards making things work. He sounds completely sincere while saying these words so all I can do at this moment is hope that he really is.

Cat1864 · Oct 29, 2009, 06:48 AM

Putting it behind you now is a good idea. Keep in mind that in the future, no matter how upset you get, you shouldn't bring this up again in anger or frustration. It is forgiven and closed. It would be unfair to open it up again.

He now knows how much it hurt you to not even be told about the trip before he made the plans to go. It should be his future actions that affect the relationship from here on out.

I wish you both many happy memories. :)

talaniman · Oct 29, 2009, 07:00 AM

You had a conflict, you resolved it to both your benefits, now move beyond it. Don't look back. As Cat says there will be future conflict to deal with. There always is.

Profile · Oct 29, 2009, 07:44 AM

Two people of the oppisite sex going on a trip together to another country is never a good sign. Ask him can you go, if he says sure why not, he's probably not cheating. If he takes to long to answer than he probably is. This is not a Native American thing. You are not the first woman to feel this way and ot all of them are Native American. So, just test his trust. If you have had trust issues with him before then you are right to not trust him. Long distance relationships can work, but it is hard to keep trust in the relationship when that person is so far away. If you love him trust him.

Cat1864 · Oct 29, 2009, 07:56 AM

Originally Posted by Profile

Two people of the oppisite sex going on a trip together to another country is never a good sign. Ask him can you go, if he says sure why not, he's probably not cheating. If he takes to long to answer than he probably is. This is not a Native American thing. You are not the first woman to feel this way and ot all of them are Native American. So, just test his trust. If you have had trust issues with him before then you are right to not trust him. Long distance relationships can work, but it is hard to keep trust in the relationship when that person is so far away. If you love him trust him.

A word of advice, being helpful is a good thing, however, you really should read the entire thread before commenting. Often, more facts are given and events happen that advice needs to be adjusted for.

The op is not Native American. She is Indian as in a native of India (the country).