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Larken85 · Apr 12, 2010, 10:52 PM

A. why do they keep calling you M? And B. Joe is my name too. That's cool for some reason. Or dorky that I think its cool lol.

Then if she changes, for however long, how do I know if it is because she doesn't want to lose me in regards to love, or in regards to her wanting to use me?

amicon · Apr 12, 2010, 11:13 PM

She is going to have to want to change-do you think she does?

Larken85 · Apr 12, 2010, 11:25 PM

I don't think changing is something she could handle well. With the way she is and the problems she has, it is hard to get her out of a routine. Just like an autistic person she needs things to happen the same way and when things screw up her schedule she throws a tantrom. I can't live my life in a constent summersult of activities. The same thing done enough times gets so irritating and boring. I try to spice it up, she hates it, I try to spend more time with her, she finds it a chore.

I just want to scream sometimes. And then she will say things that just hurt, she thinks nothing of it and I am sitting there feeling liike a scarred little boy. Like my best friend just died and she is like what's wrong? I tell her and she gets mad that I reacted that way and she knows without a doubt that what she said was right and justified. Whether it is or not she basically tells me to get the _ over it cause it's the truth. She doesn't care that she has hurt my feelings so long as she feels that she is right. Later on she will care, she will appologize and all of that, but only if I sound like I am no longer hurt. If She knows I am still hurt she will fight with me. Maybe she just hates weakness.. don't know

amicon · Apr 12, 2010, 11:31 PM

Make a list-ten reasons to stay,ten reasons to break up.

From what you're posting,I think you are really struggling.

Kind of quoting Tal,a relationship should be a bonus-this sounds like a chore.

J_9 · Apr 12, 2010, 11:31 PM

If this is a match made in heaven I would hate to be in hell. This is a terrible relationship Larken. She is living off the government and she has you as her sugar daddy.

Larken, I don't know how much you know about bipolar disorder, but my father (God rest his soul) suffered from bipolar disorder for as long as I can remember. He still provided us with a very comfortable lifestyle and my mother did not have to work. So, it's still possible for her to be gainfully employed. Also, another symptom of bipolar disorder is shopping. Yup, shopping, not beign good with finances, not paying bills, etc.

While you may love her with all your heart, she is just hurting you.

Why don't you live in the apartment you pay for?

Larken85 · Apr 13, 2010, 12:04 AM

The reason behind that would shoot all of you through the roof. I will sufise to say that the biggest reason I do not live there (her biggest reason) is because the kids are still not used to me. I might as well come out with it actually, since it'll come out sooner or later anyway.

I know I am ridiculous, I know I am stupid and just all around idiotic. You don't need to tell me that honestly. The main reason in my opinion that she is not letting me move in is because her Ex still has her dog and comes over whenever he pleases. (not at night mind you I know that for a fact.) But the problem is he is kind of using the dog as blackmail. She loves her dog but until taxes she cannot come up with the pet deposit at that apartment. I know there is probably a better way to deal with it, and believe me I am at the end of the rope here. She told me that I would be moved in right after spring break (my bad for not making her set a date) but spring break is over now. I should be moving in tonight, but I am sadly not. I am just spending the night again.

It is my opinion that if she wants that dog so freakin bad she should just take it there and keep it hidden. It's a good dog, doesn't do anything wrong. No one would ever know it was there, but she is just afraid that she will be kicked out if she gets caught with it.
On top of that she is afraid that if she is caught with me there too much she will get kicked out. I am not on the lease and the place has super strict rules. Thing is, I lived there for a month before she got there, never had a single problem, but as soon as she got there it was time to get out! I didn't want to get out.

But now I almost don't want to move back in. I really don't want to deal with the shifting moods and the fact that we still don't communicate well enough to have a healthy living together relationship let alone the living separately one we have right now.

J9 you are right, she could and would work. It is something she wants to do, but not bad enough to take some of her time and go out and get a job that is. She is a compulsive shopper, gets whatever she fancies at the time. There are at least ten pairs of clothes in her closet that she bought more than a year ago that still have the tags on them. I mean come on, why waste the money? She claims that she is better with finances than I am, and generally speaking she does get the bills paid on time, except she does it with my money. I pay more than her in the relationship, bills cost more than out rent. Rent is all she pays for. She then gets mad at me for not having enough money, not having had worked enough hours. (I do 40 at least a week. Sometimes up to 60) I have had single pay checks for more than what I make all month generally. Its just too much on my shoulders. I can't barely stand up anymore.

And on top of all this I have to be the peace keeper. I have to calm her down, I have to do all the emotional work in the relationship because she would rather detach herself from the situation. GRRR!!

Larken85 · Apr 13, 2010, 12:10 AM

Oh gosh I can feel it already. I am about to get yelled at because the ex is still in the picture. Crap...

J_9 · Apr 13, 2010, 12:15 AM

This has got to be one of the most toxic relationships I have ever seen.

#1 Stop paying HER rent. If she wants to live there she can pay it.
#2 Stop giving her money, if she wants to go shopping, she can get a job.

You are most definitley her sugar daddy. From everything I have read, she has no plans to move you in and spend your life together. She's happy milking you of all of your money, pride and self esteem.

You are never going to be truly happy in this relationship, if you can even call it a relationship.

You are just throwing money out of the window paying her rent and giving her shopping money. This relationship will truly never be a happy one.

amicon · Apr 13, 2010, 12:15 AM

Not yelling,but stop going round in circles and find a solution-even if that means you walk away.

Seriously,that's what you should do.

J_9 · Apr 13, 2010, 12:17 AM

Does her ex even know that the two for you are a couple?

Larken85 · Apr 13, 2010, 12:29 AM

Her ex does know, this is why he is still around. He is trying to push me away. He has been trying for a long time. He has known about us since December of 2008 when she all of a sudden got pregnant without them having had sex. Oops. But seriously if I were him I'd have kicked her out a long long time ago. He needed her there to keep afloat though. He can't pay his house payment and truck payment without her rent money. Actually he is talking about getting rid of his truck now because he just can't afford it. Honestly if he'd go out and get another job he'd be better off but I don't really even care if a bus runs over him to be honest.

Its all fine an dandy to walk away, that I can do without too much hassel. Problem is staying away, not melting when she crys. I can't stand up for myself otherwise. The only thing I can do is leave. (not saying that that is what I am doing, not saying that is my only choice at this time. I am saying that it's the only way I can stnd up to her). I am too weak to stand my groud with her.

J_9 · Apr 13, 2010, 12:43 AM

My suggestion is to tell her that you will stop paying the rent and stop funding her shopping sprees until you get married. Also that she will have to get a job and help support the family.

You are not her Mr. Moneybanks. This is YOUR money that YOU make at YOUR job. She does not rule your life. You will no longer pay rent on an apartment that you are not on the lease, nor live at that address. If she is on the lease it is her responsibility to make the rent payments. Not you.

She needs to get her shopping under control as well. Make her take back those outfits with the tags on them and use that money to pay bills.

Larken85 · Apr 13, 2010, 12:46 AM

That's a good idea j9. Thanks. I hope I can stand up to her. Otherwise this is just going to be another one of our stupid fights.

J_9 · Apr 13, 2010, 12:49 AM

Either you stand up to her or you continue to be her doormat. When I was growing up, this kind of man was called p****whipped!

Larken85 · Apr 13, 2010, 12:56 AM

Ouch... tough love, I know...

J_9 · Apr 13, 2010, 01:03 AM

Originally Posted by Larken85

ouch..... tough love, I know...

Tough love or truth? Take a look in the mirror, what do you see?

Larken85 · Apr 13, 2010, 01:18 AM

Me being a door mat. What else. Also I'd like to add to this a little. When we discussed the money issue today she said I am just not fighting with you about your money anymore. Its your money and you can decide whether you are going to give me any at all or how much. I will not tell you what I want anymore... That is her way of making me feel bad but honestly that is what I wanted all along so I don't really feel bad at all lol.

jmjoseph · Apr 13, 2010, 01:18 AM

Dude, all I can say is that must be some magical booty.

She somehow has cast a spell on you. You are miserable, and cannot see what we see. You are not living there because of the dog? She is treating her little dog better than you.

Life does not have to be this hard.

Larken85 · Apr 13, 2010, 02:03 AM

I do haveto say the booty isn't anything short of magic. But sex is something I can live without. I did so for 8 months, I can do it much longer if it is my choice.

Its not that she treats the dog better than me, she would leave it if it weren't for her daughter. Its her dog, and she would be extremely heart broken if she lost it.

Man kids can cause a lot of hassel. I love the kids though, they are another reason I want to work it out. Her daughter and I get along so well and she has deep affection for me, it killed her to have to leave me in Tennessee. She bawled for hours. My girlfriend was trying to be strong but she too was miserable. I think more over because it killed her daughter. (emotionally)

But on a different note she likes to hold the kids over my head too. I hate that she uses them as a weapon. Every time we get really bad she pulls me back in knowing that the thing I want most (aside from a loving wife) is a family. She knows that she can use them to get to me. We are the same in that aspect. I know that her kids love me and when she is having issues I use that to remind her that it is worth working out.

We are in a constent battle back and forth with a few neurtral moments in between. Sometimes I wish I could print all this off so I didn't haveto voice it and she could know exactly how I feel, not the dulled down version.

amicon · Apr 13, 2010, 02:58 AM

Joe,I think you need a holiday and some serious thinkingtime.

A break might not be a bad idea.