[BWK10]

Your threads have been merged so as not to confuse us, so keep all your posts about the same subject here and just post updates and give input to the advice and questions you receive. No need for new threads about the same thing.



If anybody does somehow, read this in full and comment. I commend you for being patient; here it goes.


I'm not too entirely sure if anybody here remembers me, hopefully a few of you do. I wrote on here quite a bit around four months back, my ex girlfriend and I had a split, and I wrote about it. Perhaps, if you want you could go back and read what I had wrote, I guess generally you could sum it up as the "first true love" heart break that everybody goes through. I took it relatively hard, and found solace in writing on this board. I'm not too entirely sure why, but it worked... I did talk to my friends and family, my mother being a great support to me through it all. We'll, after a few weeks of going through constant battles of emotional and physical torment (not eating).. I found somebody else. This is where my second story begins. I am hoping I can find a little more comfort writing, as I love to do it. I hope you all find time to read, and respond.

The story starting the first day I met her, we'll call her... Jess.

I met her online, as I did my previous girlfriend. I have no problem, no shame in admitting how I met somebody. Ironically, she and my mother worked together for a few years at a local restaurant. We started talking, and she told me about how she knew my mother... and that the two of them got along great. I figured it would be a good idea, since I never knew Jess personally, how my mother and her co-workers viewed her. My mother raved about how delightful, intelligent and quirky she was and that everybody at work got along with her. The only bad thing I had heard about her was she had a bit of a temper and attitude (I encountered that, but not all too much). We talked for quite a bit, probably two weeks online. I told her about my previous relationship, and how hurt I was and still was with the situation. She understood, but confessed how much she in fact liked me. One night, spontaneously I received a text message from her. We set up a date, a time to meet. I got nervous, stood her up (I forever hate myself for doing that). I told her, I was nervous and not sure if I was ready for this. She understood, but she liked me too much that she was willing to give me another chance... instead of ridding of me. She picked me up a few nights later, kind of an awkward way to meet somebody for the first time. I got into her car, looked at her... so quirky she was, and absolutely gorgeous. We drove around for awhile, she was terribly nervous, laughing and giggling at absolutely anything and everything I said... it was, cute. I wasn't sure if I liked her, she seemed... weird, lol. I don't know what it was with her, but I felt drawn to her. Trust me, it wasn't the idea of having somebody to replace my ex either... I was attracted to her.

We continued to talk, and hang out... we never had sex, or even kissed. She kind of, pushed me into a relationship I don't think I was totally ready for at the time, still only dealing a month with my ex-girlfriend wasn't enough time to properly heal. We kind of just, agreed to start seeing each other, regularly. Her, in school for a bachelors degree, myself... waiting a few years before going back to school to peruse my dream in law enforcement. We spent a lot of time together for the first month, almost inseparable. Besides myself working, and her school... we would always be around each other. It was, great. I loved every minute of it, some of my best memories are of her jumping into my arms and giving me a huge hug! She fit right in with my family, my Mom and her knew each other and talked like mother and daughter. My brother, would treat her great and strike up conversations with her. All was well, my family wasn't too fond of my last girlfriend... they loved Jess. The same goes for her family, so I thought (more of that later). They welcomed me, had me for dinner every second Sunday evening and treated me really good. Jess, being three years younger than me... her being only 18 her mother was still fairly, controlling. She would have to be home by ten, and be in bed by 11. It was like dating someone in high school. It was fine though, I liked Jess enough to deal with it... we did see each other a lot.

Summer came, school was over and it was time for her to get a full-time job. Working in a busy office, 10-12 hour days... along with being in a choir and just being a girl... her time was limited. Something that always bothered me was, in order for myself to get anytime with her. I always had to set something up, I never recall once time in the 3 months we dated when she set something up to see me. I tried, the wait and see game with her... but I couldn't resist trying to get time with her. I have lots of free time, other than working 40 hours a week... I don't really have a lot on my plate. This is where things became difficult, I wanted her to have her time to herself, and with her friends but I also wanted a commitment from her to have her spend some time with me. I asked her, prior to start dating if she was ready for a long-term relationship, and if she would have time for us. She full out said yes. Worse came to worse, and I decided since her one day off from work would be Wednesday... I would take it off work so we could see each other. That worked... for one Wednesday. We spent all day together, from 9 am till 11 pm. It was great, we made dinner, talked, did our running around together and had sex a few times.

We began, rather than texting, writing e-mails to one another. About half a page worth, talking about future plans and how happy we were together or just about anything in general. She loved them, she told me that co-workers had saw some of them and said that she definitely has a "keeper". She would talk about me at work, saying how happy she was, or how she loved the roses I would get her.

I had lots more spare time on my hands, and sitting at the computer one evening, I remember a situation with my ex girlfriend that had me pretty bitter. Dating back, I remember one night going on the website that we met on, and found her to be actively on the website listed as "single" (We broke up a week later). Now, I am not a very trusting type of guy and my head gets the best of me sometimes. I decided to go on the website that Jess and I met on... to see if she had been online. Guess what? She had been. I was shocked, and very... pissed off. I had her over the following night, she knew something was wrong as soon as I had picked her up. We both knew each other pretty good, when something was wrong. We got back to my place, and told her what I had discovered. She admitted she had been on the site, editing her profile to change it to "Not Single". I checked, and it was true. I let the issue go. A few weeks later, I checked again... no idea why, just a gut feeling. She was on, again. Still, listed as Not Single... this bothered me. I had heard from a close friend of mine, a buddy of his and Jess had hooked up on the site, simply for sex. I was appalled, I confronted her about being on the site again. She flat out denied it, breaking down into tears and saying "Why can't everyone just let me be happy?". I let this one go too, I had to trust her... I had no reason not too, I believed that. This continued to bother me, I kept checking to see if she had been on... and she had been. Even after we sat down and talked about it, I guess I was too naïve to see what was in front of me. I just let this go from this point on.

Our relationship got kind of rocky after two and a half months. Her job was taking up a lot of her time... any free time she did have she spent either with friends, or making up lies not to see me. I would be driving around town and see her driving her car, or somewhere else. She began ignoring my texts, my calls, etc. I wasn't smothering her, I left her alone and waited for her to text me. I let her have her space, she did her things... I did mine. This went on for about a week, maybe a bit longer. The Tuesday night, we got together and watched a movie together at her parents place... had I known this would be the last night her and I would be together as "boyfriend/girlfriend" I would have made the most of it, not meaning have sex... rather, cherished the time I had with her. She kissed me good night and I headed home. Woke up the next morning, headed over to her place. It was Wednesday, our day. I thought maybe she just needed a relaxing day, cause of all the work and such she had been doing. A day at home, I'd take care of her she wouldn't have to raise a finger. Didn't work that way, she had "lots of running around to do" and she only had a few minutes. We walked out to our cars, she kissed me goodbye and I headed home and did some of my own things. I'm driving around later that night, and see her so I throw her a text, "Just saw you, love your new haircut". Never got a response, I knew something had been brewing for the past week... as I said, she seemed different.

The past week, I had been stressing out pretty hard... she wouldn't tell me what was wrong. The days leading up to the breakup, I told her whatever was bothering her, she could tell me. I wasn't sure if it was the pregnancy scare (Truth be told, she hadn't had her period cause of all the stress she had been having with work, school... she took TWO tests, both negative) or if she just wasn't happy. I left her alone at this point, completely. I never wrote her, texted her... anything. She absolutely rang me out one morning cause I knew something was wrong... but a text saying "Nothing is wrong, you need to quit making assumptions....I love you, nothing will change that", eased me... slightly. I decided a night alone, to myself and a few laughs would be what I needed. I laid down, turned on a movie only to receive a text saying "Hey...so you know I have been saying nothing is wrong?" from Jess. I called her, and asked her to come over... she agreed. I knew what was coming, I had prepared myself for the past week... I couldn't cut it short earlier in the week... I loved her, and wanted to be with her. She came inside, just the two of us. She started crying, and apologizing and said I wasn't right for her. I held her, we hugged... many times. She said she was so sorry, and it had nothing to do with me, that I just... wasn't right for her. She said, her family and best friend knew it... but just kept their lips tight. This was hard, I broke down with her... we hugged, she whipped the tears from my face and even gave me a kiss on the cheek and said I deserve someone better, and that Id find someone who loved me. She had to go, mommy wanted her home... we couldn't talk much.

I was devastated, I had fallen in love with this girl. I loved everything about her. Her personality, her morals, her looks... absolutely loved EVERYTHING about her. We had our difficult times, I never gave up on her... with anything. I knew from experience, only a few months ago what I needed to do. I learned, that's what you need to do from things like this. I'm a firm believer in god, and believe he will do what is best for me. I am a strong person, I had only broken down that night and early Thursday morning. I went No Contact immediately. I knew that's what I needed, its how I healed the last time. My family and friends we're very supportive, I couldn't have asked for more.

The next day, after work... I decided a friend and I from work would hangout a bit... keep my mind busy. We went out and bought some food, and I am walking and hear my phone to start vibrating. I'm intrigued, wondering who it was... guess who? Jess. "Hey, hows it going?". I wasn't sure how to react, albeit less than 24 hours ago she broke my heart. I thought, maybe she realized she made a mistake... we talked... she said she missed me, and we should meet up and talk more. I thought this was a good idea, cause we didn't talk the night before and we would go for breakfast the next morning and I could get more questions answered and see what she had to say.

I got up, bright and early and headed down to where we agreed to meet. She showed up, but she didn't look to good... not accustomed to how she normally would look. She looked like she had been up all night, crying and what not. She showed up, extremely bitter... as if I asked her to breakfast cause I had to talk. We sat down, and to cut the story short... she just asked to be "friends?"... I was so confused, its been less than 2 days and you invited me to breakfast to be friends. Her excuse was, "I don't think I can cut you out of my life completely. I want to be friends, so I can talk to you...and tell you all my problems and have you be there for me". I felt like, I would be there just to be the fallback guy. At this point, I asked my questions... about her being on the dating site while we we're together, if their was another guy... she denied it all. She got even more aggravated when I told her I didn't view her as a friend and more as a companion. We got our bills, and headed out. To this day, I don't know why I did what I did. I paid first, and waited at the door for her and she looks at me, "Why are you waiting for me?". I think its cause, I still believed she was mine or I just couldn't help but be considerate. She blew past me, I was upset at this point as she stormed to her car. "Jess..." I said, she stopped, turned around. This point, I had enough... I need to heal. "Just, leave me alone" as I got into my car. "If that's what you want, you got it"... and that's the last I have heard from her to this day.

I still can't stop myself from thinking about her, checking her Facebook (I deleted her, but can still view her things), or her online biography which she edited on the dating website we have been on... saying she is looking for somebody else. I can't find myself to will myself not to look at these things... they bring me down slightly, as if I wasn't good enough for her.

I can't seem to pass 3 months with a relationship. They seem to get messed up somehow. I think my first relationship, prior to Jess... the demise was more or less my fault. With Jess, I really don't think I did anything wrong with her. I'm lost.

[talaniman]

You don't have to do anything wrong for feelings to change, or for the interest just to fizzle out. Its just a reality of life and the thing you have to accept is moving to fast with the love, and commitment thing, especially when sex is involved, as lust tends to fade rather quick, but can be confused for love, Its no guarantee of a life long thing happening. And its easy to assume that your intense feelings are felt the same way by the partner you are with.

Actually dude, you kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that stays with you for life. That's just the way it is for most all the humans on the earth, so your not alone.

Learn to enjoy what you have, and move on when its over.

[BWK10]

Thanks. Appreciate you reading this. I have been told by a few people lately that you will go threw a few before you find the right person. I just hope that's true :)

[KyleS28]

I've been in the same boat bwk10. I can't figure it out. The good news is that you will fall in love again. I keep thinking "this one is the one" then we break up for no good reason and then I meet the next "one". Only advice I can give is after a while, you slow down on jumping into the falling in love stage and relax (take it slow) more. You're at the age where you will kiss a lot of frogs but you still have plenty of time. Don't worry about finding the right one until you are in your late 20s.

[BWK10]

I'd love to hear more input towards what everyone thinks of my situation. How do I go about "forgetting" about her, aka... stop looking at her Facebook and such. I know it has a lot to do with will, but I can only will myself so long before I become frustrated and need to look for any crumbs I can pick up. Pathetic? Yes, I know.

[KyleS28]

What helps me "forget" is reminding myself what women want. They want a man! And they like confidence. A man doesn't check a woman's Facebook page for crumbs. If she wanted to talk to you again, you haven't become the man she is looking for. When you want to check her Facebook page, think about what a man would do. He wouldn't care what she was doing. Once you don't care, you are ready for a new relationship or better prepared (more desirable) for her if you ever had a chance to win her back.

[BWK10]

Anyone else care to share?

[BWK10]

So. I was driving around town tonight and saw my ex girlfriends car. Needless to say... I went into the shop I thought she was at and she wasn't there. So, I decide to go across the parking lot and sit and wait to see where she was. Needless to say, looking around I am pretty sure she saw me on the balcony of the restaurant she was at. Mind you, I wasn't sure if it was her. Regardless that's not the point... I am dumb for doing this. I needed to confess to someone.

[BWK10]

I'm so embarrassed of my behavior, I hope she Didn't see me. That's embarrassing and I am ashamed of myself for even doing that.

[friend4u178]

Yep DUMB , here's an official slap on the wrist ;)

As long as you've learn't your actions have consequences it's a good thing.

[BWK10]

Yes. Agree, dumbest ing thing I could do. IDK why, I promised myself Id never do that. What do I do if she did see me? She never texted me or anything... but like, ugh... so embarrassing. I could never admit I did that

[JoeCanada76]

Does it feel better to confess? How long has she been an ex for?

Do you think you will do this again, or it scared you enough to think again about doing it.

She saw you she will feel stalked. Which you can not blame her for feeling that way.

How long were you together for? Well I have to give you a pat on the back for admitting that what you did was not good.

Joe

[BWK10]

Ex for about three weeks. Yes, I would totally understand if she did see me how she'd feel. I'm ing petrified at the idea that she saw me. It was ing dumb, stupid, immature... trying to purposely bump into her. Totally a dumb idea, I just had to confine to someone... couldn't to people I know personally.

[JoeCanada76]

That is what we are here for. You know what it is understandable that you just wanted to see if you wanted to run into her. The thing is please please do not act nervous and get all freaked out. Or if some time you do see her she will think something is up.

Act like you do not care, do not be obvious about what you did. Do not let on anything. Try your best to let it go whether she saw you or not.

Leave it alone, and move on. Hopefully your fears will be ungrounded and maybe she did not see you and if she did, just lay it up as an not a big deal. Like you were just out there doing your own thing.

[BWK10]

Hopefully. I will say, I am ashamed of myself and that certainly won't happen again. I really hope she did not see me, and if something does come of it... I won't let on anything happened. It would be a weird way though.. I drove into a parking lot across and sat in my car looking at hers until I saw people on the balcony which looked like they were looking at me. I drove by on my way out and couldn't tell if it was her or not.

[JoeCanada76]

I know that it is something that freaked you out, and embarrassed you but believe me I think your worrying over nothing. She was probably so focused on her own things and dinner and whatever else she was doing. She probably did not even see you, if it was even her in the first place.

Just learn from this mistake and do your best not to let it happen again.

[BWK10]

Yeah I know, but I don't want it to get around that I'm a "stalker" cause I'm not. I just think maybe it was bumping into her she would realize she still missed me or something... kind of pathetic to say. I hope maybe I am overdoing this, just a concern,

[JoeCanada76]

I do not believe you're a stalker... You see a stalker would have no remorse, a stalker does not believe he/she is doing something wrong, a stalker can be violent and dangerous and tries to seek out somebody at all times.

Your remorseful, your embarrassed, your confessing, your feeling like a dumb @ss. So please calm down and remember that okay. There are big differences.

[BWK10]

I'm still freaking out. I'm just so ashamed

[BWK10]

Ok, good news. I had to go get gas for my car, legitimately. Had to pass that restaurant to get there. It was her Mom using her car, they just so happened to be standing out at her car talking as I passed by. Thank god... however, we met online and I see she is online looking for someone else... this bothers me. No idea why since I am doing the same thing.