[Geoffersonairplane]

But there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone, and I don't know if she's still IN love with me. I'm not sure if she even know

You are spot on here.. There is a difference and unless you have experienced both then you will have trouble making clear and realistic judgements.

I applaud you for actually realising this and I truly hope you are fully aware of this.

I think you're absolutely right. I think it's impossible for me to figure anything out because I don't think she really knows the answers herself. I guess that's the worst part, because I feel like she's on the fence and could go either way, and all I would need is one chance that I might never get and I could instantly bring her back.

One point here is that you are speculating too much what position she plays in this situation. Where I am coming from here is that you are placing too much (TOO MUCH) importance in what she is thinking and feeling...

Don't ignore what I (and others too) have said about focusing on yourself... THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT...........
Believe me mate, this is the best thing you can do for yourself...

I know you need reassurance.. I will be here to plug this in to you as long as it takes, I know it takes time, you will be questioning everything...

Hell, I still do sometimes, but I question less and I have more strength now... You will too, and it will take time...

I don't really like her roommates that she sees everyday -- I think they're very immature, and I think she's influenced by them a little and curious about what their "single" lives.

Mate.. I completely understand.. If you read my thread, you will see a part in it which is similar to your situation in respect of the fact that she had met an old friend who I felt influenced her into wanting her single life back...

The truth is, I had to open my eyes up to the fact that, YES she was 20, I was 26, I had been through the single life and know what it is all about but she never had that chance...

I believe now that all (male and female) should have that opportunity to get this out of our systems...

That is not to say that she will come back to you mate after she has done what she wants..

You must create a life without her now! A life for you, and you alone...

You sound like a good bloke.. You have the chance to rebuild a life with someone else and it WILL happen but if you continue to dwell on the past and question where it is you went wrong, you will be stuck in a black hole that is difficult to get free from...

[talaniman]

Well done MR. G

[tadano]

Geoff -- I read through your entire thread on your own situation and it made me feel a lot better. I'm 100% confident that my girl will look back on this someday and sincerely regret it. I still do think we would be perfect together, but I think it doesn't really matter because we're just not at the same levels of emotional maturity in our lives, and by the time that happens, it won't matter anymore.

So when the day comes that she does regret it, hopefully I'll be at the point where I won't even care.

[Geoffersonairplane]

So when the day comes that she does regret it, hopefully I'll be at the point where I won't even care.

Exactly..

And, you most probably will be!

[talaniman]

So when the day comes that she does regret it, hopefully I'll be at the point where I won't even care.

That is exactly why you work on yourself, and stop assuming what she is thinking or her motivations. That is your mind playing tricks on you! Moving on and healing, will allow you to see the world and you in a realistic way. You just have to be healthy first. Preoccupation with an ex or even holding out hope she will come back will slow down or stop any progress you make.

[PatBateman]

Hey guys,


Last week my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was completely blindsided by it. We're in a long-distance relationship, but would have been out of one soon. Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.

Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.

I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.

I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity. I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.

What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person. I honestly thought that she was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I saw her last night and got her honest opinion in person for the first time. She told me one thing that she hadn't before: She said she still loved me with all her heart, but she didn't know if she was still in love with me or not.

She'll be home in a month, and I will too. I'm not going to wait for her because I owe it to myself not to, but on the same token, I desperately want things to somehow work out when she comes home. I feel like if it doesn't happen then, it never will, because we'll only drift farther apart and we may never live in the same city again.

My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change. But I also don't want to block her out, because I feel like that's almost like asking her to drift away. And I don't want to breed a false sense of jealousy or anything like that...I'm just not that type of guy. But I don't know what to do. I would do anything to get her back, and to show her just how much I could love her. Please help.

Wow man, just wow. It's pretty much the same story over here...

My girlfriend of SIX years broke up with me about 5 months ago. She too said that she needed to do things for herself, and make herself her priority for a change. She said that our relationship was too much work than it should be, and I agree- I too, treated her poorly. That girl did everything for me, from being there in emotional times of need, or giving me financial support when I needed it. She was my best friend, and she defined me. I feel like I'm missing part of myself without her.

Soon after the break-up happened, she left for summer courses about 2 hours away, and I too drove there and begged her to do it again, saying that knowing what I know now, I wouldn't make the same mistakes. She cried and told me that this is something she MUST do for herself, and also the fact that she couldn't see herself marrying the first guy she dated seriously. I have my doubts too, but I wanted to ride it out longer. I don't know, I just love everything about this girl... there are things that annoy me, but now, after all of this, those little things don't matter.

She blocked me on Facebook, on AIM, and basically has been doing no contact to the T. I'm not sure if she simply hates me and is really cold hearted, or maybe she's just so hurt she can't stand to talk to me or she'll fall apart. I'm sure she's been seeing other guys since that's one of the things she told me she wanted to do, so I went out and hooked up with a girl right away, kind of a pre-emptive strike I guess. Whatever... that blew up and ended quick.

How do you make a girl like this miss you? No contact. Don't let her know what you are up to. If she has ways of checking up on you, cut her off. For example, I blocked all of her friends on Facebook so they couldn't check up on me for her. Stop going to places hoping you'll "accidentally" run into each other. Don't call on birthdays, anniversaries, etc. Make her think you've dropped of the face of the planet and leave her with her thoughts.

You can't make someone miss you, but you can set the environment just right that perhaps it will naturally occur. But you shouldn't do all of this with the goal of making her miss you- do it because you need to move on. Setting the scenes for her missing you is just a byproduct of your own self-healing.

[Geoffersonairplane]

I'm sure she's been seeing other guys since that's one of the things she told me she wanted to do, so I went out and hooked up with a girl right away, kinda a pre-emptive strike I guess. Whatever...that blew up and ended quick.

tadano, this is a classic example of a rebound relationship quoted above. You should not jump into a new relationship because you suspect your ex may be seeing other men or under the false illusion that it will help you to heal.

You need to take time out on your own to heal properly before taking the next step in entering a new relationship. I'm not saying this is what YOU are thinking about doing but it is something that you should have your eyes open to as I believe rebound relationships are quite common and usually don't last.

You may find that you will not want a new relationship for some time and only you will know when the time is right or when you are ready and of course if you meet the right woman for you.

You can't make someone miss you, but you can set the environment just right that perhaps it will naturally occur. But you shouldn't do all of this with the goal of making her miss you- do it because you need to move on. Setting the scenes for her missing you is just a byproduct of your own self-healing.

I liked this paragraph from the previous response as it emphasises the fact that setting this environment patbateman talks about is purely for the purpose of self-healing. It is important not to make improvements to yourself only for the motive of getting your ex back. The reason for this is that you will not be making these changes for the right reasons and if the ex never comes back, which unfortunately is a likely possibility, you will be no further forward in the healing process than you were when you began this journey!

[tadano]

Yeah, I hear you. All I know is this is going to take a long time. I have my good days, and then I go to sleep and have dreams about her, and wake up in a bad mood all over again. It's brutal, but I'm trying, I really am.

[talaniman]

Yeah, I hear ya. All I know is this is gonna take a long time. I have my good days, and then I go to sleep and have dreams about her, and wake up in a bad mood all over again. It's brutal, but I'm trying, I really am.

Join the club, your in good company!

[Skell]

Brutal is probably a good choice of word for it.

It is, and although this won't offer you much solace right now I can assure you that it gets better provided you give it a chance to get better.

And the best chance you can give yourself tog et better is by following the wonderful advice you have received so far.

Just to re-cap / summarise this advice;

No contact - under no circumstances, no trying to run into her out, no calls for silly reasons. Don't think of reasons to contact her.

Grieve and reflect - realise that it is hard and there will be many ups and downs. You have to know this and be ready. But it isn't an excuse to go running back to her. You also must reflect and work out what you could have don't better and why things failed. In all aspects of life if something fails and there is no reflection on why the whole activity would be a waste of time.

Work on you - Improve yourself. Once you know what you could have done better through reflection you can set about ensuring that you don't make those mistakes again in the future. So be critical but fair on yourself and make sure you learn your lessons.

Make it about YOU - Now is a time for you to be a little selfish. Look after yourself physically and mentally. Eat right, work out, join a gym, run, further education. All this will not only make you feel better but help you take your mind off her. Do things that you want to do.

No rebound - don't go looking to get into a new relationship for a while yet. It won't work and it will only make your hurt worse eventually.

I know you probably already know all this but I thought id type it again just in case you needed reminding after all the analysis that you have been doing. These fairly simply things above often seem quite difficult when you are struggling but if you make sure you try your best to follow them I can assure you that things will get better. But it will still take time!

So give yourself that time.

[PatBateman]

Brutal is probably a good choice of word for it.

It is, and although this wont offer you much solace right now i can assure you that it gets better provided you give it a chance to get better.

And the best chance you can give yourself tog et better is by following the wonderful advice you have received so far.

Just to re-cap / summarise this advice;

No contact - under no circumstances, no trying to run into her out, no calls for silly reasons. Dont think of reasons to contact her.

Grieve and reflect - realise that it is hard and there will be many ups and downs. You have to know this and be ready. But it isnt an excuse to go running back to her. You also must reflect and work out what you could have dont better and why things failed. In all aspects of life if something fails and there is no reflection on why the whole activity would be a waste of time.

Work on you - Improve yourself. Once you know what you could have done better through reflection you can set about ensuring that you dont make those mistakes again in the future. So be critical but fair on yourself and make sure you learn your lessons.

Make it about YOU - Now is a time for you to be a little selfish. Look after yourself physically and mentally. Eat right, work out, join a gym, run, further education. All this will not only make you feel better but help you take your mind off her. Do things that you want to do.

No rebound - dont go looking to get into a new relationship for a while yet. it wont work and it will only make your hurt worse eventually.

I know you probably already know all this but i thought id type it again just in case you needed reminding after all the analysis that you have been doing. These fairly simply things above often seem quite difficult when you are struggling but if you make sure you try your best to follow them i can assure you that things will get better. But it will still take time!

So give yourself that time.

Skell, that was a great post! I think we need to make an official/sticky post with the "rules of disengagement", or basically how to get over your ex!!

[SouthernBelle06]

I agree with the last post. It's important to be reminded of the tools we need to use to best cope with and get over the loss of a love. It's amazing how many ups and downs one can go through after a breakup. One minute I feel as if I'm almost over my ex and feel momentarily free. The next I'm crying as if it all happened just yesterday and the emotional weight of the world is back... which really sucks. Thanks for the reminders and the encouragement Skell.

[mickey9]

Hi, I see that advice you are getting are great, but there is inetmidiary step you may take to get her back, and if it does not work, you should apply answers you already have or even ask for help from an psychelogist.
Steps are like this:
1 Do not call for couple of months.
2 Than call ONLY ONES ask to meet her.
3 On your get together be funy and flirt AND DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. It have to be funy and you have to flirt and you oth have to enjoy.
4 Ask for another date.

So if she do not except you ONLY ONECE CALL, listen to advice already posted here.

If she does go out again ALWAYS BE fun and pleasant but not WUSS. Do not try to takl about problems you two had, so it will desaper.

She is trying to manipulate you, becaose relationship was long and you did not propose to her.

Best regards mickey9

[InSearchOfAnswers]

I ditto this advice..

If you keep talking to her, you are losing mate!!

Not trying to make it sound like a game, because it is very much NOT a game. What I mean here is by communicating with her, you are (like you say) creating false hope for yourself and you will be losing in the path to recovery.

PLEASE, for your own sake, no more calls or any contact!!

If you think you are about to do it, think twice, come on here and talk, but don't make any impulsive decisions.

What if she initiates contact?

[talaniman]

What if she initiates contact?

This is an old post, but the solution stays the same. Don't answer, and she gets the hint after a while. The idea is to be brief, when you have to be, and generally unavailable. That's why blocking her number on your phone, and sending her texts to spam, are suggested ideas.

[jd12688]

Hey guys,


Last week my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was completely blindsided by it. We're in a long-distance relationship, but would have been out of one soon. Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.

Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.

I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.

I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity. I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.

What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person. I honestly thought that she was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I saw her last night and got her honest opinion in person for the first time. She told me one thing that she hadn't before: She said she still loved me with all her heart, but she didn't know if she was still in love with me or not.

She'll be home in a month, and I will too. I'm not going to wait for her because I owe it to myself not to, but on the same token, I desperately want things to somehow work out when she comes home. I feel like if it doesn't happen then, it never will, because we'll only drift farther apart and we may never live in the same city again.

My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change. But I also don't want to block her out, because I feel like that's almost like asking her to drift away. And I don't want to breed a false sense of jealousy or anything like that...I'm just not that type of guy. But I don't know what to do. I would do anything to get her back, and to show her just how much I could love her. Please help.

Im in a situation almost identical to yours. I was with a girl for 3.5 years and we were completely in love. She said we needed a break but I wouldn't leave her alone and eventually it turned permanent. I felt like I learned so much from her leaving me and I saw that I didn't have my priorities right and I just wanted a chance to do things right and treat her the way I shouldve all along. I know its hard but you HAVE to leave her alone and move on, there's nothing you can say or do to make someone want you, its hard to except but its true. If she's going to miss you or comebak and has to completely on her own, but you can't wait for that. I know its hard, Im going through it right now. Sometimes you just have to except that its over and move on.

[talaniman]

Does any one but me, think its amazing that posters always say "we" were so in love, and then here comes a break up? The bad thing we do is assume how our partner sees, and feels, about things, and not know how they really feel. I think that's wishful thinking, as we hope they feel as strongly about us, as we feel about them.

[jd12688]

Does any one but me, think its amazing that posters always say "we" were so in love, and then here comes a break up? The bad thing we do is assume how our partner sees, and feels, about things, and not know how they really feel. I think that's wishful thinking, as we hope they feel as strongly about us, as we feel about them.

You are right... but when we were together it felt like we were in love, obviously I was wrong.

[jd12688]

Skell, that was a great post! I think we need to make an official/sticky post with the "rules of disengagement", or basically how to get over your ex!!!!!

Yes! Pat is 100% right.. read that post... Its incredible. If it doesn't open your eyes then nothing will.

[orionblue]

Hey guys,


Last week my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me. I was completely blindsided by it. We're in a long-distance relationship, but would have been out of one soon. Her reasoning is complicated, but basically she says that she feels like for the past 3.5 years she's been always making her decisions based upon me and what would make me happiest, and she needs to learn how to be independent and make decisions for her.

Of course I don't agree with that because I don't think this is the way to make things work. I wanted to continue to be with her to show her that I can help her with this but she says no. I asked her to give it one more shot and if she still feels this way at the end of the year, then I won't say a word. But still no. I drove 6 hours through the pouring rain to see her and try to change her mind, but nothing.

I know she's telling me the truth and I know there's no other guy. She would tell me if there was because as much as that would hurt, it would almost make things easier in a way.

I told her that she could walk the world and date a million guys and still not know if I was the one. I told her I wasn't sure if she was the one for me either (which is true), but that we had a rare opportunity. I'll admit that I haven't been the best boyfriend lately. I certainly haven't made her priority #1, and this isn't the first time I've done that -- not even close. But if we got back together now, and, knowing what I know now, I still drifted back into those old patterns, then we would know for certain that this wasn't going to work as is. But she said she couldn't do that, and believe me, I asked plenty of times.

What's so upsetting is that she claims she still loves me. She claims she wants this to all work out for us in the end, and that if we're meant to be, fate will decide it. But I don't believe in fate. I believe you can change things. And though she's clearly not ready for any relationship right now, I am. I want to need someone and be needed in return. I thought she could be that person. I honestly thought that she was the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I saw her last night and got her honest opinion in person for the first time. She told me one thing that she hadn't before: She said she still loved me with all her heart, but she didn't know if she was still in love with me or not.

She'll be home in a month, and I will too. I'm not going to wait for her because I owe it to myself not to, but on the same token, I desperately want things to somehow work out when she comes home. I feel like if it doesn't happen then, it never will, because we'll only drift farther apart and we may never live in the same city again.

My question is, I know she still loves me, but how do I make her miss me? She said she still wants to call me and IM me and talk to me, but I don't know if I can bring myself to do that...it'll hurt too much. I don't want to be too familiar, because then her attitude may never change. But I also don't want to block her out, because I feel like that's almost like asking her to drift away. And I don't want to breed a false sense of jealousy or anything like that...I'm just not that type of guy. But I don't know what to do. I would do anything to get her back, and to show her just how much I could love her. Please help.

It's a tricky situation in relationships when your asking yourself questions such as this one. Smothering a girl is what I'm told and have seen the biggest dislike to "the majority" of girls. I'm 26 and I have been in a few relationships stunners I might add one won miss scotland. Woman with looks = misery. Hard facts but true. Unless you have a massive nob (which I do) AND a huge wallet (which I don't) go for a less attractive variety also steer clear of career orientated chicks they'll only make you unambitious and miserable plus they are ten times more likely to cheat while away on "business" knocks in life are meant to make us stronger I disbelieve this they give us scares and its how we deal with these scars and how we view ourselves as a person in a relationship. Hard facts are if you feel your not being missed then your probably correct your not. Having said that don't do what most do... lie in it and become pathetic. You must be the man, you must be he who does not settle as a needy little child like we can all act when the love is in the air (although most will not admit) my advise mate is to concentrate on you and yourself - do things that make you happy and put her on the back burner (easier said than done) but that's the move that will make her appreciate you and desire more affection.

hope this helps