[Tando]

Guys,

Thanks for the advice.
My last two days were really good for me. I cried, I contemplated, I worked out, I sulked around, I was sad, I was aching, I was missing, I was almost everything I can imagine...

I read a book already, I found out, what I need to do to become a better person and a better partner. I also start to really accept the break-up and lose hope. I try and move on slowly. I start enjoying being single again and do stuff, I never did before.

Yesterday I went to a party and started flirting with a girl. We danced, we touched, we were close and it made me feel so good. I know that it is not the right thing to do (rebound etc.) but at that moment, I just needed it and if it is good for me, then I should do it!! I need to look after myself and my needs but continue to respect other people and their feelings.

I don't want to jump into a rebound relationship, but some closeness isn't wrong, is it? Feeling appreciated, feeling good about myself, boosting my self-esteem... what do you guys think of that?!

Tonight I will see her again... some sort of date... I never had something like that before... I always met my partners as friends first... so I am really nervous... well, we'll see, ey.

Will keep you updated...

[I wish]

There is no point putting your life on hold. You have to move on eventually. So don't worry too much about the rebound aspect. It's not like you're jumping into a relationship with this girl at the party because you feel the need to fill the void of a missing girlfriend. You were just having fun and that's a good sign.

If you're really worried about rebound, then just take it slow with her. Take the time to get to know her as a friend. But also take the time to get to know other people too. You're single now, you don't have to focus on one person. When you are ready to date again, then make your move.

[talaniman]

Q-,

I don't want to jump into a rebound relationship, but some closeness isn't wrong, is it? Feeling appreciated, feeling good about myself, boosting my self-esteem... what do you guys think of that?!

A-,

You're single now, you don't have to focus on one person. When you are ready to date again, then make your move.

Had to spread the rep wish but that was a good answer.

Maybe you need to know the difference between enjoying yourself with others, and being attached to someone.

Don't get attached, and your free to party your arse off, and enjoy yourself like healthy single pepople do.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall, 18 to 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!!:eek:

[Tando]

I think since my break-up I learn to know the difference between attached and having fun.

I don't feel attached to this girl, I just enjoyed her close presence. Tonight I would like to get to know her better and let's see what's happening from there.

I am on the way of getting attached to myself and that is the first and most important attachement I have to create :-)...

I will take it easy tonight and just be myself, enjoy the evening and habe a good time... that's all :-)

[Tando]

Back home, starting a new day.

I had a good time with the girl, we talked, we laughed, we had fun, we got close, we touched, we embraced and we even kissed slightly.

I was honest to her but and told her where I am standing. Enjoying the closeness, but not interested in something long-term and don't want to hurt her in the long run. She was very understanding.

Right now, my bad conscience is playing up, because I missed a deeper connection and am not sure if I should see her again to make things worse. I never made her hope though. I think I am not supposed to act like I did yesterday... have to be careful... not only for others, but for myself to stay in my ethics and values. I need to draw the line for myself as well.

I think due to yesterday, I saw my line... good experience and learning from it :-)

At least I realised once again that I do have other options once I am ready for it... So another step to self-esteem and self-acceptance.

I am getting better and better. I am finding peace for myself, I am letting go slowly, I am taking care of my life, I am forgiving myself and my ex. Last night I even slept for almost 6 hours straight and woke up without being thinking of my ex big time. I'm healing slowly... I'm realising the break-up and accepting it.

I need to take the place in my heart with all the love for my ex and offer it to someone else... TO ME!!

Seriously, the more time has passed, the clearer everything gets and I can see the sense and also the fact, that I just wasn't ready for a serious "adult" relationship because I wasn't ready myself and didn't know the rules of the game...

I'm just realising, in my posts, I don't mention my ex no more really. It's such a good sign that I let go of her and concentrate on my development and growth and healing... which is great...

Guys, thank you so much for assisting me through the process so far and talking me out of contacting her. It would've been humiliating and hurtful for me... I am growing stronger and stronger and until July, I won't be healed but strong enough to meet her and bid a fair farewell until I am completely healed.

But since all this is in the future, I can't worry too much... I am living in the presence and can start worry about tomorrow once tomorrow arrives ;-)...

Have a wonderful Sunday, guys and keep supporting the peeps around. I am also trying to share my new-gained-wisdom already... :-)

[PirandelloLuigi]

That's good your heading the right direction. I know the feeling of not feeling ready for another woman in your life. Take your time, I rejected like 3 or 4 women in the past months and I thought is because I am not attracted to them, but it's more than that.

We are not ready to be with a new woman and start all over. Before starting new with a new girl we need to have a fresh start ourselves on our own. Like you said, doing things you love, loving yourself again. It's a time to reflect and think about what you want. I know for a fact that the relationship ended for a reason or many reasons and we must learn from these so we do not repeat the same mistakes with the next girl.

If she found someone else or not is not important. Chances are she is going to jump from one guy to another and realize they are all rebounds. If she ended it, I suggest NO Contact until you have no choice to speak or until she initiates contact.

Be strong and move on. It will only get better with time. Going on 5 months since breakup and will be 3 months on July 3rd since we last spoke. I feel better and thanks to this site I did not fall into her trap. I did not become a wussie and start begging her back, no way.

Your on your way to more healing and don't forget you are not alone and a lot of guys are going trough this as we speak.
Hang in there buddy!

[Tando]

Hi guys,

It has been over a week since my last post.
Life is progressing and slowly but surely I do some progress, but seriously only slowly. Still I am putting my life on hold though... and I know that this is all up to me. My heart is ruling too much yet.

I'm trying hard to push the whole story aside, but it is hard. Still. It's been 8 weeks today. Almost two months.
Two precious months I have spent in misery, but the new found insight is a great gain and worth the pain. Now all I need to do is taking the knowledge and convert it into daily action...

I realise that I don't need her in my life, but the immense feeling of "I would like her in my life" is just too overwhelming sometimes.

The more I get back in touch with me, the more I realise my stupid destructive behaviour within the relationship, the more I understand WHY I acted like that, the more I am convinced to become a better person, a better man and a better lover.

It is hard that this insight only occurs AFTER the break-up and that I am only capable of adjusting these patterns AFTER I already "lost" my big love for good.

The more insight in the important things in life I get, I realise what a wonderful person my ex is... how weird is that? I realise how far she is in her personal development and that I wasn't there yet. The more I see these things, the more I start to love her for being this wonderul personality and the more I would love to share our lives together. On the other hand, I know that I need to find my own ways first...

This is so hard, because I am trying to let go of the one woman that I can imagine spending my life with... I know about my deep connection to her, I feel this deep love, I feel her ability to complete me. On the other hand, I see all the difficulties, the problems and the differences. I see reality and KNOW that she has moved on, is finished with me and not interested in me at all... hard pill to swallow.

It is an inner fight and in the end, I will win... no matter if we get together or not. I just need to keep a healthy balance and concentrate on myself first...

I need to set my mind on myself... It is hard, but I want to succeed.

[57373]

Ok I strictly believe in no contact

But before I was able to do this 100%,like you,I had to have the '10th last say' even if it didn't matter.

I needed some kind of closure,I completely know the feeling.

And in a way by calling my ex the last time (breaking nc for a month) I got that closure,because I realized even after a month,my ex had no remorse,nothing changed,and that was it.But I had to 'see it myself'

So..

Back to nc,it's been 2 months and I'm fine now.

[Tando]

Hey 57373,

Thank you for your reply.

I do keep NC to a certain degree, but jump into testing myself far too quickly. I am so impatient. I seriously never felt pain like that before... never...

This conversation burns on my heart, but I know that it might result in a huge humiliation on my side.

It has been two months and I am getting better. I can drag myself out of the misery to a certain degree, but still not far enough.

I am trying to motivate myself to do certain stuff, to set myself certain goals. I make up work schedules, but I cannot keep them, because thoughts are coming over me.

Seriously, I do feel so weak right now. I am a strong person though, but my mind is so weak. Right now I can't even think of anything that is lighting me up. I think attitude is very important here. And my attitude is far too negative currently. I allow myself to hurt, I allow myself to be negative, I allow myself to do all the destructive things and eventually I will allow myself to move on, let her go and get back on my sole way of life...

I am not only in pain about "losing" her, but also about me not being able to get my life in order and deal with the whole story constructivly. I am disspointed in myself... it is a vicious circle... I try go get my life in order and then those thoughts about her and the relationship are coming back to me. Then I don't get my stuff done and I get disspointed. I then remember her words, that I am a person without motivation, strive, goals and aims and there I am...

Rock bottom...

I want to find that exit of the vicious circle...

And I know that I will have to cut all possible ties to her, cut all contact, cut all information, cut everything... actually cut her out of my life... which is a hard thing to do with a person who I know is my soulmate, trustee and most important person in my life, right behind me...

Okay, enough whinging for today... I am feeling better after this therapeutic writing ;-). Looking into future with much more optimism again and hope I can prevail this feeling...

Will be back latest in a week... let's do this some sort of weekly newsletter :-D

[57373]

I know exactly what you mean about thoughts.
In particular dreams you can't control.
The idea of her being with someone else,waking up with them.

All absolutely disgusting.And can send you into rage,then sadness then apathy.

And then the flip side,the idea of you moving on to someone else (at least in my case for me,this feels wrong I'm not there yet,I feel as if I would be the same person my ex is,to forget so fast and move on so I am stuck in uetero)

I doubt she is your soulmate though,I believe even a friend could be a soulmate,it doesn't have to be romantic but my point about that is,a soulmate under no circumstances would hurt you,or walk away.She isn't a soulmate as much as she is a soul-test.

And trust me I completely understand the crushed feeling,nothing compares.

Btw what do you mean by NC to a certain degree? Doesn't sound good.

[Tando]

NC to a certain degree means, that once in a while I look at pictures of her or us to check my progress in the process. No direct contact, no texts, no emails, no Facebook, no calls...
I also do speak far too much about the time, my conclusions and contemplate about the past and what I might be able to do different and make this whole thing work... but these thoughts are becoming fewer and fewer.
Recently I got in contact with a mutual friend and we discussed the situation. This wasn't easy either... and a mistake for sure!!
And it crushes me all the time.

But in the meantime, my focus of thinking is actually also changing from her to me. My head is clear and my mind is open. Since I do have more time, less pressure from the relationship and can concentrate on me reflecting on myself, I do realise that I do not like the way I am leading my life. I am not happy with what I am doing day in and day out.

My goals, dreams and aims are returning slowly, but I wonder if they are still valid for me right now. I am in a confused state of mind and I feel like I am dissapointing myself once again.
I am the kind of person who gets overwhelmed and starts feeling paralised once the pile of tasks/challenges grows too huge and I can literally see myself standing in front and the crap is starting to fall down on me. I know that the only way is to start at one point and slowly work myself through...

So the focus of my problem is changing slowly. It is departing from her and the relationship to me and my issues and personal challenges. That is a good sign on the one hand and also an explanation why this partnership wasn't able to work out.

If I am not all even with myself, how shall I manage and make a serious relationship work? Especially if I wasn't able to open up and show my weak points to my ex, share my fears and my issues.

I know that it is not time for me to be in a relationship currently... not even with my ex. I need to build up a healthy relationship with myself first. I need to set up new valid goals, aims and dreams and try to reach them. I need to be happy for myself and then I might be able to be happy with someone else... Step by step.

It is not about US anymore, now it is all about me. This is probably the biggest chance in my whole life to turn it around and make it worthwile living... for ME!!

@57373: I like soul-tester :-). I know that soulmates do not have to be partners, they can also be really good friends. And I do have to disagree slightly that soulmates do not hurt you... sometimes you need to hurt someone or let someone go if you realise that it might be the best way for them to grow and become happy again. I think it is really hard for soulmates to see their other part suffering, distroying themselves and fighting badly...

Although I also have to admit, that soulmates should stand strong next to the other in times of misery... so it is a difficult call :-)

[talaniman]

Your coming along nicely in a short time Tando, glad to see that. Knowing yourself, your own boundaries and limits, as well as what makes you happy with yourself is a good things to have working for you, especially when life throws you a curve.

It doesn't matter how fast you grow and learn, just that you keep growing and learning... for the rest of your life.

So far so good. The real test will be how you handle the bad times as any one can enjoy the good times can't they? You would think so at least.

[Tando]

Hey tal,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm coming along nicely in the sense of starting to understand my issues and actually being prepared to deal with them offensively.

I decided to postpone my bachelor thesis for another semester... I do have the chance and opportunity. Many people will say... you lose just another six months, but I look at it that these six months are just for me... I do this just for me without thinking of other people's opinions. It is MY life and I will handle it...

Within these six months I can start and build up a life worth living and being happy with myself. I do have a certain frame and can get used to it slowly. Afterwards, I can dare the huge step to "adulthood" :-).

In the next six months I would like to balance out my life. I would like to balance joy, work, determination and life.

Currently, I am so unbalanced and the only thing that kept me somehow in balance was my partnership. But this weigh cannot be carried by any person. It was only a matter of time until we had to split. Or she had to, because I was to "weak" to either call it a quits (in my and her best interest) or open up to her and allow her to see my confusion, personal weakness and issues. I was scared to lose her over my weakness, played the strong man, put up a mask and lost her anyway... that is life...

Never wear masks, be yourself, be honest to yourself. There is no other person in this whole wild world than yourself, you have to answer to in the end...

I only realise that the better, clearer and more determined I become, the more I miss being with her, the more I miss the opportunitiy for a second chance, the more I see us being together. But that is a natural development, I guess...

And it will be a split feeling every time I will succeed... at least for some weeks, months and maybe years to come, because at the same time I will feel a little sadness deep down in my heart that I wasn't capable of doing it before and keep this wonderful person in my life...

On the other hand, I look back at the partnership and start appreciating all the good times we had together. Seriously, I won't even know if I'd have as much love, experiences, joy, fun, good times and anything else without her in my past 3 1/2 years. It was a great time and I am thankful for so many memorable and precious moments...

When I see her in July (to clear the appartement), I would like to say thank you to her for all good times. I do not want to depart in anger, because I know that our next meeting will be the last for quite some time to come... and I want to depart on a peaceful, appreciating and good ground...

I will be able to insert this partnership in my past life as a positive experience...

It hurts right now, but the pain will fade away eventually...

P.S.: I am not a person who can handle bad times very well, but I am trying to become stronger and more focused, even through the bad times... it is all in my own hands... if I am down, it is me to decide, when and how I get up...

[Tando]

Hey guys,

Just for your attention... this will be a longer post...

It has been a while since I posted here and so much has happened. Unfortunately not in a good way. I am not even back to square 1 but rather to square -1.

One day in July, I contacted my ex to chat about the clearing of our shared appartement. I felt strong and asked for a personal meeting to discuss a few things. She said that she thinks it is too early for both of us. Her voice was cold and distant. I realised my insecurity coming up but insisted (how ing stupid!! ) on the meeting. The same day we met and walked for two hours. She almost said nothing. I talked... or at least tried to talk and tell her all the things I wanted, but somehow I couldn't... I was emotionally shaky and pushed for something I wasn't ready for yet. She was so cold and distant... the atmosphere was somehow freezing and it shocked me big time!!

She had absolutely N O T H I N G more to say to me. The few things she said came close to a confession of failure for me. I drew her energy, I could never make her feel my priority in life, she felt not taken seriously in the end, the fact that we had nothing to speak about really did not surprise her since we apparently did not talk much during the relationship either. I wanted to thank her for having loved me for who I am and her reply: I only loved you for who you are in the beginning, then I loved you... and I just took the words, heard it and was shocked but forgot to ask who or what she loved instead!?
Additionally she told me that she will not be in contact with me until I found a new girl-friend or got married. So for the next few years at least. This sentences sting deep and still do. I was weak this day, I was so weak. Within four months I turned from her loving partner into a persona non grata. She said we have to live our separate lives now and that I need to find my inner voice and my self-esteem again.

I never thought that she might react this way towards me. So much has been broken before and after the break-up. No connection is left over - NONE... I can't believe it, seriously. It is such a tough cookie to swallow for me.

I also found out that she moved back to our old place, the place where the other guy is staying. She is back in happiness and enjoying her life again. On the one hand it makes me happy since she was/is the most important person in my life (and I am not exagerating) and I want her to be happy. A person I felt at peace, a person I enjoyed coming home to, a person I appreciated and truly love(d), a person with a huge heart, amazing personality and awesome vita. A person every man would love to be with... seriously. And I blew that chance. I blew the chance to grow next to her. I blew my dream to be the man at her side. Now I realise that I was never capable of offering her what she really needed. I never understood her completely and probably wasn't listening properly either. I heard her words but they seldom got processed in my brain properly and followed up by correct actions.
I also toppled over an old e-mail that she sent to me 1 1/2 months before the break-up. If I read it today, I can read much clearer in between the lines. She fought for us big time and had the feeling that I do not... She told me EXACTLY what she needed right now... just a conversation, a DIALOGUE and I wasn't capable of sitting down with her and TALK. She didn't know what I was thinking or feeling. She thought that she is difficult, but she is not actually. I was difficult at that time, because I was having trouble with myself. This very day she still loved me, as she wrote and wanted to make us happen. And I wasn't capable of holding on to this chance and take it... and maybe give us another REAL shot.

I know that I should not regret... I cannot regret what I've done, but what I did NOT do... and I regret big time... and I can't get over it... I can't move on from all the things... I can't forgive myself for allowing her to move out on me.

All the things I heard, I think about are so destructive for me. It is knowledge that burnt in my brain and I can't control currently. My remote is broken...

I don't know if she realises how much power her words have over me. How much importance and weight I put in her words and this results in me being down like this currently.

I cry every day, I long for her presence, I feel like her being with me was one of the worst things that could've happened to her in the end. I still go to my casual job, do sports occasionally and try to get my life back in order, but it is hard. My self-esteem is at zero, I am disappointed in myself, in how I lead the partnership, how I hurt her over and over and over again, I sometimes think that I lost the respect for myself and one lyric says:

"You can't break my spirit, it's my dreams you take."

Well, in my case, it's not only my dreams taken, but also my spirit is lost... and that scares me to hell...

The disappointment in myself is so huge... I feel like a partnership "retard". Not only that, I feel like a social life "retard". I cannot lead proper conversations over a long period... I think I am a boring person to be around...

I feel guilt. But the disappointment is the biggest threat to me.
I question myself, my self-perspective as a loving and kind person who is aware of other people's feelings. How can I be if I even wasn't capable of getting my loved partner?!

I change a little bit in my thinking as well since I feel I was narrow-minded and not compromising enough. But every step I take to change and adapt my life to become better is so freaking hard, because it is a step towards being a person who could've been good enough for her. It makes it double difficult for me!!

I know I lost her completeley. Not only as a partner, but also as a friend, a backbone (which she always was) and a stable home...

A friend of mine put it nicely: (my ex broke up after I went to South Africa for two weeks to do some research)

It is like you are leaving your home for a holiday and during that time, your partner decides to put the house you've been living in, on fire and burns it to the grounds without asking or discussing it again. So when you return, you stand in front of the ruins, shocked about what happened. All of a sudden you are living on the streets with no home, no place to go. You are homeless while your partner moved on to a new place. Maybe not a house yet, but an appartement. And I am still homeless.

And that is how I feel... not at home anywhere... I am lost somewhere in the streets and trying to find a place for me to be. Need to rent a place and make myself comfy. But the smoke and ruins of the burned house are still visible and keep me from walking away...

I've been far better before I knew all the things that she told me during our meeting. I never thought it will result in me doubting myself even more.

All the knowledge will prolong the healing process big time... because it is nagging on my self-perception and my believe that I can be a loving, matching and adequate partner and a good person.

Man, it is all screwed up. If I only listened to you guys... but I had to make this experience for myself... I had to... how bloody stupid!! Now I pay for it... big time... and it will haunt me through the next days, weeks, months and probably years to come. I will have to find myself again. I will have to fight to trust myself again... and regaining trust is the hardest task of all - especially with yourself...

I can start at zero from here and invent myself again. I would like to stop the suffering and deal with the pain.

I know many others have gone through this before and came out stronger and a better person... and I hope I will be one of them...

[amicon]

I am sorry for your pain.you had the talk with your ex way too early I think and I also think she is still hurting a lot.dont beat yourself up.you did the best you could.soon you ll find that you re back on squares two three etc again.hope this helps a bit.

[talaniman]

I can start at zero from here and invent myself again. I would like to stop the suffering and deal with the pain.

I know many others have gone through this before and came out stronger and a better person... and I hope I will be one of them...

You will, because you already know what to do. Its going to hurt for a while, but not forever.

[Tando]

Thank you Tal...

I feel so stupid for having turned to you guys, receiving all the good advice and actually believing you and getting better and then, in a dark moment of longing, hope, disbelief, wrong judgement and "uniqueness", I just threw away all the good work you and I've been doing to this point...

... and it broke my heart and spirit completely.

I am sorry for having disappointed you and especially ME in this process. I feel like I disrespected all you guys with all your good work you did on me before and I want to let you know that I am grateful for every comment I received. This may teach me to listen to others more, to trust their experience and advice and that it is not needed to make all your experiences yourself to learn from them.

I am glad to know that you do not simply turn your back on someone who "failed" but still come back and try to assist picking up the pieces mentally.

Thank you...

[amicon]

[we re all human and sometimes we fall off the wagon.we all here to help not judge you.you re doing well and things will get better as I think you know.good luck.

[bigdee]

Thank you Tal...

I feel so stupid for having turned to you guys, receiving all the good advice and actually believing you and getting better and then, in a dark moment of longing, hope, disbelief, wrong judgement and "uniqueness", I just threw away all the good work you and I've been doing to this point...

... and it broke my heart and spirit completely.

I am sorry for having disappointed you and especially ME in this process. I feel like I disrespected all you guys with all your good work you did on me before and I want to let you know that I am grateful for every comment I received. This may teach me to listen to others more, to trust their experience and advice and that it is not needed to make all your experiences yourself to learn from them.

I am glad to know that you do not simply turn your back on someone who "failed" but still come back and try to assist picking up the pieces mentally.

Thank you...

Hey it happens. I'd wager that most of us who have gone through this have had many slip ups and regressions. I know I have. Eventually you'll get it. Bookmark your post and next time you feel ready to cave in, re-read it. It may help you do the right thing.

[talaniman]

... most of us who have gone through this have had many slip ups and regressions

Guilty!! :(