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Wildcat21 · Sep 6, 2006, 03:05 PM

Here's the problem... someone like you might change short term... you need to do this for life.

stillalillonely · Sep 6, 2006, 03:29 PM

Hang in there my friend. I went through a similar thing. We were not married but when it ened. I knew it needed to. Shortly after, it hurt like a mo-fo. Hang in there. You'll get your norm. life back

rockne · Sep 7, 2006, 07:49 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Here's the problem....someone like you might change short term...you need to do this for life.

I agree... I'm committed to changing long term. No matter what were going through she's going to know I care about her and she's going to feel loved.

The thing is, she's not a saint when it comes to the relationship. I was more at fault, and I've admitted that to her, but she will also have to change things for us to work in the future. She can be almost impossible to deal with and changes the way she feels everyday. I know this is typical "female" behavior but it's still hard to deal with.

There must be something about living with her that makes me not feel good about the relationship though. That's the only reason I can come up with to explain how I changed after the marriage.

Wildcat21 · Sep 7, 2006, 09:49 AM

Yep - it's just females - believe me.

Take it slow this time Rockne - take it slow. No rush. Learn, Listen.

But YES - it's a two way street - she HAS to understand things she did made things worse.

Mopar Dewd · Sep 7, 2006, 10:22 AM

I couldn't agree with WildCat more - Definitely take your time, have all the time in the world...

Wildcat21 · Sep 7, 2006, 11:07 AM

That's ONE thing people don't get - there is no rush... it takes time.

talaniman · Sep 8, 2006, 09:05 AM

Not to make anyone mad but if you don't know yourself and what your about then how can you expect someone else to know you? I don't think its fair for you tio expect to get back with your wife until you have done the work on you that is necessary for a relationship. Until you address the problems with you first I would not expect you to be with anyone. Put your own house in order and then see what happens.

rockne · Sep 8, 2006, 11:47 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Not to make anyone mad but if you don't know yourself and what your about then how can you expect someone else to know you? I don't think its fair for you tio expect to get back with your wife until you have done the work on you that is necessary for a relationship. Until you address the problems with you first I would not expect you to be with anyone. Put your own house in order and then see what happens.

I think that's what I've done though. Her issue with me was that I was not caring, loving or affectionate. She felt like I didn't care about her. I've recognized that was my problem and HAVE changed. Every time I see or talk to her I'm very caring and loving, she has noticed, but it still hasn't really done much good yet.

Wildcat21 · Sep 8, 2006, 12:49 PM

Well... it won't for a long time. She needs healing fot a long time. This will NOT chage over not. Quite frankly YOU'RE LUCKY she even speaks with you.

rockne · Sep 8, 2006, 01:20 PM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Well...it wont for a long time. She needs healing fot a long time. This will NOT chage over not. Quite frankly YOU'RE LUCKY she even speaks with you.

Don't you think though if she doesn't see or talk to me for a period, hangs out with her new friends and has fun, then she will forget about me and want to do this everyday. If I can't show her how I've changed how will she be able to accept my changes and forgive me?

ilovcali · Sep 8, 2006, 01:33 PM

Well, honestly, you had a big part in bungling the marriage. SHE may realize that hanging with her friends and doing her own thing is what she wants to do. She's been with you, and it didn't work. You can't force her to give you another chance. You may not be doing that conscientiously, but it sure sounds like you are subconscientiously. Just because you think YOU'RE ready to be with her again, and make things work, does not mean she has to.

And maybe by losing her completely for awhile, will force you answer the questions it seems you still have. You don't sound like you fully know what you didn't like about the marriage. You better find out before you try it again.

Wildcat21 · Sep 8, 2006, 01:47 PM

And sying you've changed so quickly is dangerous. Usually there is a change for about 3 weeks. Get comfortable. Go back to old ways when they think the coast is clear. Happens al lthe time. Change takes long time.

talaniman · Sep 8, 2006, 03:20 PM

Instead of trying to get your wife back you need to leave her alone and work on yourself. Whether she wishes to put up with your crap or not you need to work on you or you'll end up in the same boat. And you may feel good now but to say you've changed is fooling yourself not us. We know better. Get real and spare us the lip service.

rockne · Sep 8, 2006, 09:51 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Instead of trying to get your wife back you need to leave her alone and work on yourself.

I do leave her alone; we ONLY talk when she calls me. I haven't initiated contact with her in weeks.

"you need to work on yourself", what does that really mean?? Her main problem is I was not caring or loving, she felt like I didn't care about her. I look back and realize why this was a big problem, and after our separation I've made attempts to changed, and she has actually says I've changed and appreciates it, ironically she told me this on the phone tonight. What else am I supposed to do, work on myself?? How do you work on yourself? People say you can't change in a month, how long does it take? I think I've changed, she told me I've changed, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do besides keep treating her the way I am. If I keep treating her the way I am then I've changed.

Of course I'm not saying I'm totally perfect now, I know you can't really say you've changed completely in one month, but I've done everything I can so far. She wants me to be the person I was the first 6 years, not the last 5 months; I think I am.

By the way, I really appreciate everyone's comments so far.

mysticque · Sep 12, 2006, 01:07 AM

This sounds interesting. I'm sure she wants you romantic and sweet again like back in the old times. Maybe this time you'll have to compromise and take part of the relationship. Most men think that once they get the girl it's a job well done and finished project. And leave her to her misery and frustration. The whole point is, she would still need you to dance with her emotions in order for her to take care of you. IF not then it will be a total failure. And for the record you can't just change in a short period. You need to pinpoint your weakness and work with it. It may even take years. Varies from person to person.

rol · Oct 4, 2006, 02:34 AM

Hi there,
I'm kind of in the same situation except that I am the girl! We were engaged and my fiancé decided he wanted to be alone that he was not ready for marriage, this was 5 months ago and recently we have been seeing each other as friends all initiated by him. One month ago we ended up having passionate night together and then he was distant the next day.. so I'm thinking he is like you... and trying to find himself again.
You said you don't initiate contact with your wife? Have you told her why this is? Have you told her you do miss her but want to see what is missing in you? I think she is just mentioning other guys to make you jealous and see your reaction... Have you told her exactly what you arefeeling. I can see how shemust be feeling rejected if she is the one initiating the contact...

rol · Oct 4, 2006, 02:39 AM

Another idea, why not go back to dating while living separately? Start back from t he beginning again.
Maybe you both got a bit dependent on each other and you felt you did not have your own life anymore?

rockne · Oct 4, 2006, 06:20 AM

Originally Posted by rol

Hi there,
im kind of in the same situation except that i am the girl! we were engaged and my fiance decided he wanted to be alone that he was not ready for marriage, this was 5 months ago and recently we have been seeing each other as friends all initiated by him. One month ago we ended up having passionate night together and then he was distant the next day.. so im thinking he is like you...and trying to find himself again.
you said you dont initiate contact with ur wife? have u told her why this is? have u told her u do miss her but want to see what is missing in you? i think she is just mentioning other guys to make u jealous and see ur reaction... Have you told her exactly what you arefeeling. I can see how shemust be feeling rejected if she is the one initiating the contact....

I also initiate contact, I wasn't at first because I didn't want to pressure her. She now know's I miss her and how I truly feel about her. She has admitted she was trying to make me feel jealous, but I think it's getting more serious now. It's been very strange the past month. She says she's still in love with me, she loves spending time with me, she could she herself having kids with me, I make her feel special while around her, I'm a great guy... But she says she may want to date other people because neither of us have really had another serious relationship. We do great, then when another guy gives her attention at work she gets all confused. She works at a hospital and a couple doctors have shown interest in her.

rol · Oct 4, 2006, 06:37 AM

OK that's great she knows exactly how you feel.
And great things are getting good again, I guess she still feels a bit confused about what happened with you and maybe that's why she is telling you about the other guys... so just be the great guy she knew before and really communicate well with her and listen... I hope it will all work out fine.

rol · Oct 4, 2006, 06:39 AM

And just out of interest, how long did you take before you really began to miss her(this is for my help in my situation and how long did it take before you told her how you were feeling?)