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starbuck8 · Feb 11, 2009, 10:28 AM

AmExp agrees: You are right, but it is so hard to leave someone you love and care for. Sorry to hear about the ER!! EEKS!

It is very hard to leave, but look at it this way--you've only got 4 months into this. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I had 9 plus yrs. Into mine. I only wish I would've had the sense to leave in the beginning. The longer I stayed, the more control he took. It honestly got to the point where I can only liken it to a form of brainwashing. It's hard to explain, even to myself, but it almost got to be like one of those guys you see on TV that run cults. If someone would have told me I would have gotten involved with anything so abusive, I would have laughed in their face. I just "knew" I was more intelligent, and had more respect for myself than that.

Fast forward many years, and name a bone of mine that "hasn't" been broken. I know the emergency room Dr.'s by name! To this day, I still get C'mas cards from one of them for God sakes. The arthritis I have because of all of the broken bones is unbearable at times.

Everything I saw you write, even in your other threads, just brings me right back to where I was when I first started dating my ex, although he worked a little slower at his game of control. All of the gifts, the wkd getaways, the surprises, and the insistence of "paying for me," tranlated into him "owning" me! Before I knew it, my friends were gone, I wasn't allowed to go out with any friends I managed to hang onto, and my phone calls were monitored. But, how DARE I check his phone or ask questions about his whereabouts.

I even understand when you say that you feel that this is the best relationship you've ever been in! So did I! Oh, that first little while was fantastic, and I loved him with all of my heart. He was kind, caring, would do anything for me, treated me like a princess!---in the beginning.

So my advice to you, is to cut your losses early in the game. Will it hurt now? You bet! Will it hurt more if you stay? Probably more than you know. There are so many red flags here, and you are the bulls target.

Good luck!

Edit: I just read that you told him about things with your ex, and you never hear the end of it. Wow! Boy do I remember this!

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 10:30 AM

I dunno KC. I paid for EVERYTHING in the last relationship. EVERYTHING! That guy was a class-a JERK. How is the money factor an issue?

BTW, my family LOVES HIM and all my friends but one like him as well. The one friend ironically thought he was controlling even after a month of dating... I haven't talked to her in over 2 months.

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 10:36 AM

I am sorry to hear that Starbuck8! You are so strong to muster up the courage to leave. However, I am still waiting on the one response that could make a huge difference... WHAT MAKES ME SO DIFFERENT FROM HIS OTHER EXES (aside from youth because the 34 year old ex is in great physical shape)??

starbuck8 · Feb 11, 2009, 10:40 AM

Originally Posted by AmExp

I am sorry to hear that Starbuck8! You are so strong to muster up the courage to leave. However, I am still waiting on the one response that could make a huge difference...WHAT MAKES ME SO DIFFERENT FROM HIS OTHER EXES (aside from youth because the 34 year old ex is in great physical shape)???

What is it that makes you so sure you are?

jmw0713 · Feb 11, 2009, 10:42 AM

Sounds to me like he is trying to buy your love. You should really evaluate your relationship with him and ask yourself...

What do we REALLY have in common?

What does he do that makes me want to be with him(Pros)?

What does he do that makes me question his reasons for being with me (Cons)?

Write this down. This list might surprise you.

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 10:46 AM

My biggest case is the ex/bf of 12 years... I am sorry but if someone is just soooo completely abusive you would remain friends with them after the break up and 12 years later?? You would remain madly in love with them?? You would have women doing anything they can to be with you?? I feel like maybe he treated this woman differently? He claims he did a lot of nice things for her, but I just don't see why she would stick around knowing she could never be with her ( especially when he was married) if he was just a terrible guy. That confuses me!

Thoughts?

DSMom · Feb 11, 2009, 10:47 AM

Originally Posted by starbuck8

AmExp agrees: You are right, but it is so hard to leave someone you love and care for. Sorry to hear about the ER!!! EEKS!

It is very hard to leave, but look at it this way--you've only got 4 months into this. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I had 9 plus yrs. into mine. I only wish I would've had the sense to leave in the beginning. The longer I stayed, the more control he took. It honestly got to the point where I can only liken it to a form of brainwashing. It's hard to explain, even to myself, but it almost got to be like one of those guys you see on TV that run cults. If someone would have told me I would have gotten involved with anything so abusive, I would have laughed in their face. I just "knew" I was more intelligent, and had more respect for myself than that.

Fast forward many years, and name a bone of mine that "hasn't" been broken. I know the emergency room Dr.'s by name! To this day, I still get C'mas cards from one of them for God sakes. The arthritis I have because of all of the broken bones is unbearable at times.

Everything I saw you write, even in your other threads, just brings me right back to where I was when I first started dating my ex, although he worked a little slower at his game of control. All of the gifts, the wkd getaways, the surprises, and the insistance of "paying for me," tranlated into him "owning" me! Before I knew it, my friends were gone, I wasn't allowed to go out with any friends I managed to hang onto, and my phone calls were monitored. But, how DARE I check his phone or ask questions about his whereabouts.

I even understand when you say that you feel that this is the best relationship you've ever been in! So did I! Oh, that first little while was fantastic, and I loved him with all of my heart. He was kind, caring, would do anything for me, treated me like a princess!---in the beginning.

So my advice to you, is to cut your losses early in the game. Will it hurt now? You bet! Will it hurt more if you stay? Probably more than you know. There are so many red flags here, and you are the bulls target.

Good luck!

Edit: I just read that you told him about things with your ex, and you never hear the end of it. Wow! Boy do I remember this!

This is as if I were typing it myself! (minus the physical abuse - I left after 5 years, he said there were times he wished he would have just hi tme... maybe I left before it actually progressed to that, but the mental abuse I suffered, the brainwashing, the emotional and verbal abuse... ugh, I was taken back there as soon as I read her story)

People can see what he projects for them to see... they do NOT see what goes on "behind closed doors" so to speak

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 10:48 AM

The fortunate thing is that he is seeking counseling ( before he started dating me) and I don't think that is a bad thing. I feel like maybe he is trying to sort his other issues out.

I do need to make a pros and cons list for sure...

NOTE: He did say one thing that was shocking about his ex/best friend: That he is trying to train her how to be better for the next guy that comes along... He is happy that she has finally moved on and is dating again and that she was not a good lover in the bedroom. Ok people... she is a 34 year old woman... not a child. He claims that if she acts like a child then he will treat her like one and that she should know better than to say or do some of the things she does.

DSMom · Feb 11, 2009, 10:52 AM

Originally Posted by AmExp

My biggest case is the ex/bf of 12 years...I am sorry but if someone is just soooo completely abusive you would remain friends with them after the break up and 12 years later??????? You would remain madly in love with them???? You would have women doing anything they can to be with you??? I feel like maybe he treated this woman differently? He claims he did a lot of nice things for her, but I just don't see why she would stick around knowing she could never be with her ( especially when he was married) if he was just a terrible guy. That confuses me!

Thoughts?

Yes, I have thoughts.

I was in and out of my terribly controlling relationship for 5 years. The brainwashing has already begun on his BF from 12 years. He treated her the same, I am sure of it. Made her feel dependent on him, made her want more of the material things, of the being called hot etc etc, he made her believe HE WAS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED. He maniputlated her, braiwashed her, and nw years later his mental games still have her thinking that what he did/said, how he acted was out of love and not out of shear wnjoyment of control and "ownership". It is a common thing, it is why I did not leave sooner, I thought we were truly in love and his actions were out of love, not out of control... I wanted to hang on to that love (addiction) when it was really just an way to control me...

jmw0713 · Feb 11, 2009, 10:53 AM

I think amybe this relationship is suffering from the huge age gap. You are both at different parts of your lives.

You are in party, flirty, hang out at bars and club mode with friends.

He is in the I'm 36, I want to settle down, I want someone at home, I don't want to party all the time mode.

Both are very different. You still have a lot of growing to do, while he is done and pretty much set in his ways. This is something you need to think about...

That he is trying to train her how to be better for the next guy that comes along... He is happy that she has finally moved on and is dating again and that she was not a good lover in the bedroom.

Wow, this guy just told you all you need to know.

1. I am training some to be "better" for some one else. How much more controlling and manipulative can you get?

2. He is making comparisons between you and her IN BED! LOL!! Well that pretty much sums up why he is with you! Sounds to me like all this guy cares about, truly, is what happens in the sack.

He makes comments about your looks all the time. Tells you that you still need to work on things to look better. Constantly makes refferences about sexual history and past sex partners and their performance. Is constantly buying you things to keep you around.

Honestly, what does this guy have and do make you so sure that he is honestly with you for love and not sex??

HistorianChick · Feb 11, 2009, 10:53 AM

NOTE: He did say one thing that was shocking about his ex/best friend: That he was trying to train her how to be better for the next guy that comes along... she is a 34 year old woman... not a child. He claims that she acts like a child at times and he will treat her like one and that she should know better.

Whoa... that's the definition of a male chauvanistic jerk. I tried seeing his side in this. Looking at it from his perspective. Playing devil's advocate.

But honestly, NO ONE should treat someone like this. Ever. That's a dangerous comment.

Controlling, manipulative people don't just "get better."

Maybe his exes "love" him because he bought them with pretty things and trips? Made them feel good?

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 10:55 AM

Well what was her wake up call?? Since he took me with him to meet her at work she has backed off from him A LOT! She is much better and no longer negative about our relationship saying that I am going to leave him and how he will come running back to her when he is bored and lonely. Now, she tells him to calm down and be patient with me...

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 10:59 AM

HistorianChick: He typically falls for girls who come from wealthy families or who are successful in their jobs. Again, his wife is a physician who happened to make a nice six-figure salary (seeing that not all physicians do). Apparently, she was very controlling over how the money was allocated and felt like he was spending more then she was comfortable with. He felt as though a part of his manhood was being taken away by asking his WIFE for funds to do the simple things. It seemed like an odd relationship. He played the trophy husband and she was the total package ( so so on the looks).

jmw0713 · Feb 11, 2009, 11:04 AM

Sound like all he cares about is the physical things and money... while manipulating and controlling you. You're playing right in to his game.

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 11:10 AM

That is eerie. I hope that is not true. I would have like to assume there was some respect and love involved... he just seems like a great guy. He is such a good father!

AmExp · Feb 11, 2009, 11:16 AM

WHILE THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED. I keep having this dream that if I were to leave him or something bad were to happen that he would choke me or something... not sure why because I do not feel threatened being with him and he would probably cry if I told him that ( he is a VERY sensitive man).

kctiger · Feb 11, 2009, 11:19 AM

This thread was over 6 pages ago... you have a decision to make, or at least, to think about. His actions, and his words, need to be lined up...

Carry on... :cool:

DSMom · Feb 11, 2009, 11:20 AM

That dream comes because that is honestly what you feel in your subconcious... Like I said you know deep down something is wrong... stop it while it is still early on (4 months as opposed to years)

starbuck8 · Feb 11, 2009, 11:30 AM

Originally Posted by AmExp

My biggest case is the ex/bf of 12 years...I am sorry but if someone is just soooo completely abusive you would remain friends with them after the break up and 12 years later??????? You would remain madly in love with them???? You would have women doing anything they can to be with you??? I feel like maybe he treated this woman differently? He claims he did a lot of nice things for her, but I just don't see why she would stick around knowing she could never be with her ( especially when he was married) if he was just a terrible guy. That confuses me!

Thoughts?

I lost my internet connection for awhile. Anyway, in answer to your question that if he was "completely abusive" to his ex would she still remain friends with him? ABSOLUTELY! That is part of the control! This is as clear as the day is long to me. I guess this is so obvious to me, because I've lived it! It's all part of the game! I actually have no doubt in my mind--and I'm not being flippant here--that he was abusive to his ex's. I can only imagine what you would hear if you had the opportunity to sit down and talk with one of these women. I did, after the fact. He swore that he was wonderful to them, and they just didn't appreciate his efforts. I was the one that appreciated him, and gave him the love and support he needed. When I sat down with one of these women, their story echoed mine to a tee! It doesn't matter how flat you make a pancake, it always has two sides!

starbuck8 · Feb 11, 2009, 11:38 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

This thread was over 6 pages ago...you have a decision to make, or at least, to think about. His actions, and his words, need to be lined up...

Carry on...:cool:

KC, with all due respect, and I'm sure you know that your advice here is valued, I have seen the NC threads go on and on. There has been at least 3, with 1500 posts each. This is not just something that should just be a simple "roll your eyes" and leave already-- situation. Until you've been in a controlling relationship, you don't understand the dynamics. It's a very hard situation to deal with. I'm having a bit of a hard time explaining how this is a different thing between men and women, but it really is.