[itried]

You said exactly what I was thinking. I think this kid needs a few weeks still for things to sink in. He is in a state of denial. It's sad, but I went through something like that...seeking comfort, success stories, and hope. I thought NO-ONE in the world could possibly be living my same situation. My situation was surely different. My girl was more amazing than any other. I read thread after thread on this site seeking a happy ending to a story similar to mine. After a while I realized many of you guys --like 'A La King' and you for example-- were on the same boat as me. Slowly It sank in and things started to clear up.

We have all been there and it sucks. Exactly in the same spot, with the same feelings, hopes, reactions and plans. It's the absolute worst. And I feel bad for the guy. The best thing I could have done is get on this site and share my thoughts and experiences. It's the best therapy, and in the end I think that's all people like us need. Just to look at it objectively. Step out of our heads for just a minute and look at what happened and hear similar stories to ours. It almost makes me laugh now when I think about my relationship and how I felt when I first came here. I don't think I was as hardheaded either, but everyone handles it differently. Hopefully she takes him back and he can laugh at all of us. But if not, I'll still be here.

[a la king]

I read thread after thread on this site seeking a happy ending to a story similar to mine. After a while I realized many of you guys --like 'A La King' and you for example-- were on the same boat as me.

I'm THRILLED my misery is bringing you comfort ;) heh..

[expat2009]

I'm THRILLED my misery is bringing you comfort ;) heh..

OUR misery--we're on the same boat remember? ;)

I feel that after a month of my breakup I'm almost a different person. Amazingly, I see things so much differently now. The pain is still there, but it's subsiding slowly, and I feel much better. I can eat better, I can sleep, I can laugh and thinking of her less and less. I also feel wiser and more self aware. This site has been much like group therapy, don't think you can find so many guys in our same situation in one place. It's good to know people are there for you. Hopefully Trevor will get what he wants--if not dude, we are here for you. It helps us to help you.

By the way, the misery is only temporary... we'll be all right.

[plonak]

Hey Gearhead,

Seems to me like you have a lot of support here. You have people here that have been through the same thing you are right now. Don't you think they have something to offer?

This is funny how life works. When we are heartbroken, there is nothing anyone can do or say that can make anything better, (unless they give you false hope of course)

Right now you're at the stage where you don't want to hear anything about moving on, you just want to hear that it's going to be OK, that you're the exception..

Instead of putting 100% of your efforts into why she did this or that, why don't you look at yourself..

Ask yourself why she constantly wants time away from you.. maybe you two spent WAY too much time together.. maybe you didn't let her breathe and see her friends...

I believe that it takes two to break up a relatinoship.. look at your part here... then maybe you won't make the same mistake again...

This is life man, it's not easy or fun, it just is how it is..

[HistorianChick]

Don't you think you deserve someone to love you just as much as you love them?

Don't you think that you should be with someone who wants to yell from the rooftops that you're together, not play with your emotions and keep you around for if she "gets herself together" or "finds herself?"

As a woman, maybe she really does just need to find herself, maybe she is one of those amazing women, maybe she is the angel of your dreams... but bottom line, she is hurting you and making you toy on the verge of depression... THAT is not love. That is selfishness...

Love is not selfish.

[Gearhe4d]

So, I would agree that we did spend too much time together, I sat down with her a week or two after the break and talked to her about what she would change when we do get back together, and she said that she only wanted a bit more space and time to herself. I told her that I fully understand that, and that I too need to be more focused on other things and getting further in life. Better job, more schooling, etc. This is one of those things that keeps telling me that she does intend to pick our relationship back at at some point. If the only real problem that she had with us was that she didn't have enough space, then it just seems like, why wouldn't she want to be together again? (Under new circumstances of course, and just seeing each other less) I would have no problem being around less, and making it more exciting when we do get to see each other, but we used to see each other basically every other day, and she told me herself that she felt like that wasn't enough, and she wanted to spend more time with me. (This was before she got her job) and I guess like an idiot I agreed and started seeing her basically every day. I know now that I should have kept going at that rate, just to make her miss me more, and she probably would still be together with me now.

[plonak]

She seems like a confused girl

You know, everyone is telling you to pull back because for one if it's truly over it's for the best for you to heal, or the second, it could make her realize what she's missing

When I went on a break with my boyfriend, he said "im not going to be at you disposal every second of the day, you can see me when you've made up your mind"

That gets her thinking what she's missing out on.. and it might spur her to talk to you..

But either way I do suggest you move on and don't wait for her.. if she wants you back she will let you know

[NorthernNiceGuy]

Well I think you have gotten the idea from what most people have posted...

None of us can honestly know what she is thinking or if this break is for good. All we can do is give our opinions from experience. The numbers aren't in your favor sadly, I myself was given the ol break line about 8 months ago... and here I am single, but you know what, I am now happy and content with it.

Now who knows, she could come back, but she also might not. You must remove yourself from her life! Think about what you are doing, you are allowing her to have you at her beg and call and fill in as the "boyfriend" while she remains single. She is having her cake and eating it too.

You are making yourself more miserable by sticking around, let her have her break and do your own thing, if she wants you back SHE WILL COME AND GET YOU!! But for your own good try and move on right now, you will never feel better at this rate.

Your life did not start with this girl, and it won't end with her either. I know its hard to think now, but one day you will be OK, we all go through this.

[Gearhe4d]

I've been doing a lot of research on what I'm going through and other relationships that have gone through the same thing, and I'm trying to get a bigger overview of all of my options here. I am keeping everything I've heard here in mind as well, but I do still feel like there is hope, and maybe I've just been looking at this the wrong way or something.

Right now, I could really use some more feedback from people who have been in similar situations and DID get back together after a break. I understand that there is a very low chance of this happening for me, but it is still a chance, and I need to know exactly what to do to increase my chances of this happening. Too much of what I've read and learned up to this point is just saying that "Oh, it's basically going to hurt forever, but slightly less everyday!" So, I've decided that I won't just give up on this. Eitehr way it's going to hurt, and I'm not going to just give up the person that I truly believe is perfect for me, and meant to be with me. I can handle this pain as long as there is hope for now.

So please, anybody with similar experience of taking a break and getting back together, toss me a bone, and let me know your story, or any tips you have. Also, thanks so much to everyone who's been trying to help so far.

Sorry I'm so hard-headed about this. I'm not a quitter.

[kctiger]

I went on a break. Last November, my girlfriend suggested we take a break. It killed me. She was everything to me. I don't mean that I didn't have a life without her, but I mean, she was the love of my life, if there is such a thing. The break lasted for about a month, and I tell you, there was no better tme in my life than the first time I hugged her again once we reconciled. I can remember it like yesterday. It was the best hug I had ever had. We got back together about three weeks before Christmas, but she refused to say, "I love you." She waited to say that, as she said, "I want it to mean something."

So, on Christmas day 2008, we were sitting on her grandparents couch, and she took my hand, looked in my eyes, and said, "I love you." I don't think I had ever been that happy before. Like I said, that was over a year ago, and I can remember every single detail of that exact moment. I lit up like a candle.

Flash forward to now. We have been broken up since last August. Things were going good, but in the end, the same problems occurred, and neither of us had really changed. We had grown apart. I mean, I was at her high school and college graduation. We had some really great times together, and I imagine we both have a spot in eachother's heart. Unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be.

That is my story, in a nutshell. Could you guys get back together? Yeah, you could. Are the odds in your favor that it works long term, no, they aren't. But, we don't play poker or craps with human emotions. Vegas doesn't have odds on our heart. All we can do, on here, is offer up our advice and do whatever we can to protect you, because I can tell you, I NEVER would wish the kind of pain I experienced the past five months (and pain that so many others on here have gone through), on anyone. Good luck!

[Gearhe4d]

Before the two of you got back together, I'm sure you went through the same doubts and fears that I am currently going though. I'm sure you felt like the best thing that could ever and would ever happen to you was slipping through your fingers and there was nothing you could do about it.

But. If you knew that the two of you would eventualyl get back together, and even if it wasn't meant to last into marriage or the future, but just a short while, would you choose to go through with getting back together with her? OR would you go the rest of your life without ever hearing her say "I love you" again?

This is where I'm at right now, I don't know if we will get back together, but I feel like if there is a chance, and if we did get back together, even if it was just for a short while, I would give everything and anything away to just have that time with her again. To know that she loves me again, and that I get to spend just 5 more minutes in heaven, before I go back to this uncertainty and pain that I'm enduring right now.

[kctiger]

I don't regret anything that happened. I know how you feel, and you are going to do what you want to do. I will tell you FLAT OUT, that the pleasure of her saying, "I love you" once more was nowhere near the pain of finding out, on my birthday, that she was seeing someone else.

[expat2009]

I don't regret anything that happened. I know how you feel, and you are going to do what you want to do. I will tell you FLAT OUT, that the pleasure of her saying, "I love you" once more was nowhere near the pain of finding out, on my birthday, that she was seeing someone else.

Damn! That must have been hell... yet you are still here, helping other people, and recovering well. You've earned my respect! Good one mate.

As for you Gearh4ad, I have only tried once to get her back and it was more like an eye-opener for me than anything. I realised what she wanted and that she was already moving on while I was hanging on to a very thin thread of hope. You see, with a situation like yours there is no difference between giving up (not calling her) and not giving up (not calling her) at this point because anything you do or say--believe me--will more than likely just push her away--therefore, not giving up means NC as well. The difference will be when --and if-- she decides to call you and get back with you. That's when you will show if you will give up on her or not. She knows you want her back, balls on her court now, let her decide.

[Gearhe4d]

The difference will be when --and if-- she decides to call you and get back with you. That's when you will show if you will give up on her or not. She knows you want her back, balls on her court now, let her decide.

Well there's another thing then, she still calls me and still wants to do stuff with me, we went out and had dinner a couple of times already, I just try to play it as cool as possible and make it as much fun for her as I possibly can (No don't worry, it's not apparent that I'm hurting or trying to make her happy with me, I just try to be natural and make sure she is enjoying my company, which she does seem to be)

This however is the longest I've gone yet without seeing her, and it's been something like 5 or 6 days I think. She still talks to me on MSN and I ALWAYS wait for her to talk to me first. She does know how I feel about this and we have talked it over (and yes, she's still telling me that it's a break, and she even went as far as to take my hand and making full eye contact tell me that I'm not losing her). On New Year's Eve, she invited me over and she had another guy friend of hers there, which she even asked me about and wanted to make sure that I wasn't against her hanging out with her friends who happen to be guys. I told her that I didn't mind at all and I perfectly understand that she has friends that are guys and that it was totally cool with me. That night, we did a bunch of fireworks at the guy friend's house and then I drove her (Rachel) home and dropped her off. I told her that I needed to go inside and grab a movie that I had left there recently that needed to be returned, but she insisted on just running in and grabbing it and bringing it out for me. She did this, and then instead of going back to the passenger side of the car (which was closer to the door of her house) she came around to my side, handed my the movie and then asked if she could have a hug. (This sort of blew me away a bit and I got out and gave her a semi-long hug and then I said goodnite and she went inside.

Stuff like this is what's driving me completely insane. It keeps sort of telling me that she does still love me, but really just needs some time to herself for some reason.

Does this sound any more like it might be a possible thing for me? It certainly doesn't seem like your regular ol' breakup story to me. She keeps initiating contact and wanting to do things, and inviting me over, and I have now (twice) asked her if she would like to hang out and once we saw a movie, and the other time we ate dinner. Sorry this post is so long, but I'm afraid leaving out details like this might affect the entire situation on your collective point of view.

[stuckinarut]

I think it is really sweet that you are so in love with her. This is coming from a 14 year old girls point of view, so you don't have to listen to me of you don't want. But I think that you can't let love slip away. If you still love her in time, you can't let her go. Just follow your heart. If this is true love and not just infatuation, you will love her after time. So give it a month or 2, and then your heart will tell you. A fool would sit and watch while his true love left him. Don't give up. Love is the most powerful thing.

[wolfgangqpublic]

Gearhe4d --

Your story sounds just like so many I've read here. My own. KCTiger. Northern Nice Guy. Expat2009. A La King. ITried. Your situation is not special - and you have to realize that there is nothing you could have done t change the outcome other than the timing. If you had of refused to spend more time with you when she asked, she probably would have broken up with you a few weeks later.

Guys start into relationships based on instinct and attraction, but after a while they become very rational about them, in my experience of MOST of my male friends and most on this board. That's why the logic doesn't make sense to you - because you (like most of us) want to look at the situation through a rational lens. You'll get past this in a few weeks.

She, like all of our exes, is doing what many women (especially younger) do in relationships - she's working off emotion and feeling. There's no logic to it. Plus, she's like 20. As much as men are criticized for wanting to "sow their oats" - I can assure you that at least a subset of young women in the population feel much the same way (and that does not entail sex alone).

The best move I made during my breakup was repeatedly telling myself it was over on the night it happened. That way, regardless of how much I wished otherwise later, deep down I didn't believe it. The sooner you realize that, the sooner it will become manageable. You will have bad days.

[MarkwithaK]

Gearhe4d --

Your grasping at straws champ. If she wanted to be back together with you then she would be, especially considering all the things you have done AFTER the break-up. You're reaching kiddo, and if you reach to far eventually you will fall down.

[expat2009]

Guys start into relationships based on instinct and attraction, but after a while they become very rational about them, in my experience of MOST of my male friends and most on this board. That's why the logic doesn't make sense to you - because you (like most of us) want to look at the situation through a rational lens. You'll get past this in a few weeks.

She, like all of our exes, is doing what many women (especially younger) do in relationships - she's working off emotion and feeling. There's no logic to it. Plus, she's like 20. As much as men are criticized for wanting to "sow their oats" - I can assure you that at least a subset of young women in the population feel much the same way (and that does not entail sex alone).
.

Very true words wolfgang. Girls that age want a loving relationship but at the same time they want to live life freely and experience as much as they can. Now, it's hard to make this balance work because most of us got too much into the relationship after awhile. We dedicated way too much time and effort to the relationship and at the end gave more than we received. Why? They drifted away trying to find what they were looking for.

The girls didn't have enough time left to experience the other side of life they wanted --friends, travel, hobbies, family, school. As they drifted we gave more and more in an effort to get them back --probably even smothering them some of us. In the end, our excessive giving led them to the "breaks" and in some cases to other guys --"stronger" guys (like the ones we were at the start) that would challenge them, get their interest, and form new and "exciting" relationships which will eventually run into the same issues the girls had with us. They claim they still love us and care for us, but the reality is they don't want to be with us anymore, they don't feel the same way. Simple as that.

What to do next? If they are still contacting us --like with Gearh4ead-- wanting to see us, chat, or whatever, then what sort of space is that? The space is not only meant to be physical but also emotional--otherwise were's the growth? Where's the gain? If you keep seeing or letting the person that asked for space contact you over and over than it sounds to me that they just want to have you close to them at their disposal in case their "new" life doesn't workout. If they find that this "new" life makes them happier then kiss her goodbye buddy because she's only thinking about herself while you are thinking nothing about yourself. Now, it's up to you if you want to be led to more pain because if the girl does decide to get back to you, then shortly after, your relationship will run into the same problems. You really think this is worth it? For "five more minutes in heaven"? I'd rather move on, give her COMPLETE space and rebuild my life without her. At the same time I left the doors open to her in case she wants to come back--if she does, I'll have the power once more. IF she doesn't I'll still have complete power over my own life.

The advantages of this reasoning are two. First, you use the space to your advantage also--to rebuild your life without her, pain goes away, your confidence comes back, independence, freedom to talk-or do- whatever you want with whomever you want. Everyday the pain will be less until you actually move on and dig yourself out of the hole. Second, you are giving her space, it's what she NEEDS and WANTS for her self-development, maturity, learning, etc. This space will let her experience life without you and decide if she needs you in it or not. If after some time ---several months usually-- she doesn't miss you then so be it. It's finished for ever. But you won't care because you are moving on fine without her already. If she does want you back--not only will you have the power to decide, but by then you both will have become stronger, happier, more mature, without the scars you gave each other. Your old selves.

Following your heart is one thing but exposing it to someone who is not caring about your feelings is another. They will --perhaps unintentionally-- bring pain and more pain. Over and over. Until you decide to move on. If she's unsure about her feelings well then let her sort them out by herself, no need for you to tell her what to feel, she's already proven she's looking out for herself she doesn't need your help to decide she wants you or not. You love her? Well maybe the best way to show her is by letting her be. If she loves you enough well then let her have a chance to want you back and find you --if you are still available.

[ferrell_2006]

As a female I will give you my opinion. I do not know this girl so I cannot say what is in her head nor can I tell you what her plans are.she may need a break no one can know that but her. And I also am in school and work and I need all the time in the world to study and such.
But in reality what you do not want to hear... the others are correct most of the time a female or a male says I need a break its over for good and she probably really loves you but for some reason its not working for her. And the reason she is still being your friend is because it is easing the pain for her its her way of making it easy. And the excuse of time or school and work if you guys are still hanging out as friends and such then what is the time away doing any good? You could still be dating.
Like I said this could go your way but chances are slim to none the best thing for you is to cut all ties... you can't be friends with someone you really reqally loved because it will only hurt you forever any time she dates , etc.. You need to juss go have fun do things you couldn't when you were dating meet new girls even though that may not be easy... its not fair that she's making you hurt so bad juss so its easier for her... if she wants you back she will let you know... as long as she knows she has your heart and she is your friend shell never lose you but yet she can go meet new guys and it won't be cheating... go have fun!!
Sorry about all you are going through!

[Gearhe4d]

Well, after a lot (and man oh man do I mean a lot_ of careful consideration about all of this, why the hell would I ever just completely break contact with her and not even be her friend and get to see her at all anymore? Now that I've had some time to think on that, it seems crazy to me to just completely throw away a relationship with someone so perfectly connected with me. She still seems to want to hang out every now and then and still makes contact with me first, I feel like I'd be an idiot to throw away such a special relationship, even if it's just a friendship. I do truly and deeply love this girl, but she's also one of my very best friends, she understands my brand of humor, she likes everything I like, and we have so much fun together.

If I can still have her as a friend, and even if she did start dating another guy, at least I'll still get to spend time with her. People like her are very rare, or at least they have been in my life. It's not like I won't know she's dating another guy (that's even if she does) by just breaking off from her. I will find out I'm sure.