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kctiger · Dec 11, 2008, 06:40 AM

Of course she sent you something, that is how they do it! If they don't feel that you are miserable and not constantly thinking about them, they will follow up to try and ruin whatever healing may have been done on your part. Delete, and move on. Don't play games. If you respond you play right into her hands, and you will feel like crap once again. Get the upper hand!

KBC · Dec 11, 2008, 06:50 AM

Originally Posted by JohnD212

..but I know there's no point in seeking an easy release of the pain by talking to my ex...I need to teach myself to heal and not rely on the source of the pain for that..

Just a friendly reminder:)

JohnD212 · Dec 11, 2008, 08:01 PM

Haven't responded. Actually had a great day today... even though it was so rainy here in NYC... I found myself going a hour or so without thinking of my ex... how refreshing that felt. Not planning to respond or go online and look for my ex. I hope this healing continues because I prefer this to the back and forth of before.

firsttimedumped · Dec 11, 2008, 08:24 PM

I am trying to do the same thing as you.. but I have a child so its like I have to pick up..
But what they say is correct... because I'm sure she is just checking up on me to make sure I'm not having any fun and should be crying for her...

Because sometimes when I pick up the phone she will just say something like... oh I bought our son this today... followed by where are you... followed by are you going out tonight... followed by OK bye

Its almost sad to think they can be like this... Keeping us at bay giving us false hope and then ditch us when there finally over the grieving...

Maybe I'm wrong... maybe I just think I'm getting stepped on...

Hope everything works out for you

kctiger · Dec 12, 2008, 06:51 AM

Everyone refer to my post on this page, because I swear it is the truth. There will be moments when you find yourself having fun and completely oblivious to your whole ex situation... and at times, when these moments happen... BAM!! Your ex just pops up and calls, or shows up where you are at to throw a wrench in your happiness. It is unreal the timing ability they have. Key is, not to let that detour your current mindframe.

JohnD212 · Dec 12, 2008, 05:48 PM

Well I opened the email a day after I received it.. no big deal... just a link to a movie trailer... but I know my ex... its was a way to remind me of them without actually putting themselves on the line. No response from me. I've had ups and downs the last few days but I know from everything I've read in books... online... and advice from here... no contact will work if I stick to it. I feel better..

I get the urge to know what my ex is doing and occasionally my mind tries to convince me that they are out having fun... but I just remind myself that I don't know what they're doing. They could be unhappy or bored... what I don't know won't hurt me.

I'm actually finding myself going a few hours without thinking of my ex... I've actually laughed at a few Holiday shows... so I feel like things are finally going in the right direction.

I do have my second therapy session next week... so that is nice. It's good to find out why things are the way they are... but I feel I'm making real progress on my own. The further I get into NC... the more I would lose by breaking it.

JohnD212 · Dec 12, 2008, 08:32 PM

So tonight I get two emails from my ex... one has a movie link (didn't open but can tell by subject line) and the second was sent an hour later with no subject to it. Since my ex can tell if I open the email via AOL... I don't think I should open it for now. Why do ex's have to return later.. I've been good for one week now... no contact.. and suddenly these emails...

Empty Cans · Dec 12, 2008, 08:38 PM

Good work. Sit on it for a couple of days and maybe then open it... or just delete it straight out. Like you say, what you don't know can't hurt you.

But even if you do read it, and choose not to respond, that will send out a strong message to. You are doing well!

TrueFaith · Dec 12, 2008, 09:53 PM

You could block her from your account?

But isn't it nice when you are going no contact and they contact you?

It makes me feel good :)

Anyway my friend just keep your head. And keep on doing what you are doing..

The no contact rule is a hard one. But the rewards are even better!

Yeah we have moment of weak thoughts

And yes! We think about our xs having the time of there lifes. Have sex with more guys than anyone can count.
Sitting in a room with all her boys. Talking about how awful you was in bed. And how she faked everything..

But the think I have done or at least tried to do. Is to tell my little mind to Hush up!

As a Tal says.
Stick to the facts.

And the fact is. You are in no contact mode.
And doing better for it

All the best

JohnD212 · Dec 13, 2008, 09:32 AM

Yep... I set a goal of Monday to even consider opening the email with no subject. Funny thing is... I know that game.. if you send emails with subject lines its easier for the ex to not open it since they know what's inside... so you put no subject on the email forcing them to open it. I've done that before when I was having fights.

Yes NC is very hard. Its also very painful but it at least allows a little more calm in my mind and heart while I attempt to heal. Let my ex live with their decision of not wanting me.

08 nobody · Dec 13, 2008, 06:00 PM

So what if you have a child do you still no contact.. sorry that I'm adding my problem in I guess my ? Isn't posted yet

08 nobody · Dec 13, 2008, 06:03 PM

I'm new if she's leaving I think it's cool tell her... BYE

JohnD212 · Dec 14, 2008, 10:24 AM

I'm starting to get those thoughts about why my ex would write emails to me... thinking what if they are missing me... and is it getting the way of talking about things if I don't open the emails or respond. Am I right in thinking that if my ex is really serious about working it out they would at least (or I would have the right to demand) pick up the phone and make more of an effort than an email? I just feel the email route is too safe and after all this pain they should have to make more of an effort.

Empty Cans · Dec 14, 2008, 11:27 AM

I think you need to stop analysing the emails... you don't know what they say. Stick to the facts. They might just be meaningless forwards. I guess you won't know until you open them... but when you do, don't rush a reply, no matter what they say. In fact, even better, don't reply at all. If you do reply you will go straight back to day one of NC.

JohnD212 · Dec 14, 2008, 11:51 AM

Ok so I just get a text message from my ex saying they're in the city and asking if I want to do something together. Of course I want to jump at it but I will just head out with a friend and ignore the message for now. Should I do that? Should I contact them later and say sorry I was busy. I just am afraid I'm blowing any chances.

kctiger · Dec 14, 2008, 12:35 PM

Don't be afraid at blowing chances. You are doing the right thing by doing your own thing and ignoring the text. You can contact later if you want, but I still don't think that will do anything good. When relationships end, it is for a reason. You guys haven't been broken up long enough nor have things really changed to make you think the relationship would be successful "if" you got back together. Just keep on sticking to NC... your ex is just acting like this because they want to know they are still number one in your mind. Once they know that, they will once again leave you alone for awhile.

JohnD212 · Dec 14, 2008, 04:51 PM

Yah... I actually just texted back saying I couldn't get together cause I was seeing a movie... nothing else. About 10 minutes later I get another text saying "who are you going with?" Did you get my email from Friday and why didn't you respond to it?" I didn't reply to that text cause I felt it was an attempt to pull me back into contact. Just going to leave it where it is... Even this brief contact made me very sad. No reason to risk it getting worse.

Empty Cans · Dec 14, 2008, 06:26 PM

Good work. Turn your phone off and chill out for the rest of the night and watch a DVD or something to take your mind of it. You're doing well... I just hope sending that text doesn't set you back too much.

JohnD212 · Dec 14, 2008, 09:33 PM

Well I replied that I have been busy and didn't see my ex's email... figured that would be it for the night. Get a text message saying why am I so busy... who did I see the movie with... what is wrong with me...

I didn't reply...

1 hour later I get another text message asking me to please come on IM to talk... not going to happen. Only good thing is that I know the pain is finally being felt on the other side. Now I can chill and enjoy my evening.

ImTotallyLost · Dec 14, 2008, 11:48 PM

I LOL'd. Good man. I liked what you did.

I'd just be a little careful and not start playing games with her, you know? I mean, if she's feeling the pain, it's her problem.

But you must remember you are doing it for yourself, not to prove her something. Do not allow her actions to transform into hope, unless you want another run at the rollercoaster!

Seems from a couple of break-up experiences I've seen around here that hope is a highly addictive and toxic drug. Amazing highs. Bottom rock lows. And you always think you are in command!