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Guidostern · Oct 12, 2008, 04:53 PM

I'm trying really hard... after 5 years of seeing her every day, talking to her multiple times a day, and waking up next to her... it's extremely hard to get past this.

Like I said, I'm trying to do things that I never did when we were together... like learning MMA, teaching a friend how to play guitar, and things like that.

My work does a really good job of keeping my mind off her... but sometimes, I will go somewhere and be dealing with some people, and it brings it all back.

I said earlier, that I didn't know that I really want this relationship back, but I took a nap since I have to work tonight, and when I woke up, I knew that I wanted this back. It takes a lot not to call her (I took her number out of my phone) but I still remember the number, so it's not like I couldn't just call her up... but I'm trying very hard not to... I do know that she has called me and I just let it go to voice mail...

BrewCrew0981 · Oct 12, 2008, 07:44 PM

Hang in there, bud. You'll make it. You're doing all the right things. Some days, you'll have a really hard time. Some days, will be good days. You just have to make the best of the bad days.

I'm going on 6 weeks of NC now, and I am living proof things do get better. Also, I think what you want back, is what you envisioned your relationship to be/was. Unfortunately, that's not the case as it stands today. I know you realize, like I do, your relationship will/could never be the same, ever again.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Guidostern · Oct 12, 2008, 08:05 PM

Yeah, I know exactly where you are coming from. The relationship could never be what it was at one time... that's for sure...

One of her friends keeps emailing me and letting me know that my ex is a wreck, and even though I'm not there, she's always saying that she wishes I was now, but she's just too proud to call me up and say anything... and of course, as much as I want to call her, I can't because I know that unless we were to start over completely, it would never be a good relationship.

One of my other friends is also talking to her, but I don't really care at this point... Like I said, the relationship would never be what it once was... but they are all saying it could be better than it ever was... they are all confusing me and I keep on letting them talk about it, etc... I told one of them tonight that I didn't want to hear about it anymore...

She looked at me and said "You don't love her, do you?" I told her that she didn't even know anything about how I felt... it made me pretty mad... anyways, I'm on my MDC in my car... I got to get back to work...

Guidostern · Oct 14, 2008, 07:26 PM

Welp... it's day 17 and I slipped up...

I was sleeping today (I work nights) and my phone rang and I answered it without looking to see who it was... and sure enough, it was her... I took me a minute to realize it of course because at first I thought I was dreaming, but yep... I started to tell her that I was hanging up and she got her meat hooks in me and started talking...

Now I feel horrible again, just like I did the first day... I hate that I answered the phone, but it's not like I did it knowing who it was... but anyway, back to square one again... down and out, mind wondering... oh well, tomorrow's another day I guess..

Guidostern · Oct 16, 2008, 04:48 AM

Well, day 1 of starting over again...

I feel kind of numb today... I'm not really sure what to think about my relationship with her, or the way I feel about her. Maybe I'm getting used to the way things are and starting to accept that we're not going to be together.

I asked my friends to stop telling me things about her, etc... but sometimes it still comes up in conversation. One of them told me last night that she still has photos of me on her myspace and that she hasn't changed the text on any of them... I'm done with the false hope though, it's not worth what I have been putting myself through.

He also told me that she had written a blog saying how much she misses me and loves me, etc... this doesn't seem to bother me though... not sure why... I'm sure I'm just having a moment, but for some reason I feel at peace... and that's something that I haven't felt in 3 years.

Guidostern · Oct 16, 2008, 03:58 PM

Well, day one is half way over and I'm feeling better. I've started to sink back into writing music again, and have even started picking up my guitar more.

It was a great help that my friends have decided that it would be good for one of them to come over and hang out every day... they're kind of taking shifts if you will.

It's helping a great deal. I'm relieved at the moment, but not sure what to think about it either. I know the feelings aren't gone, but they seem to be suppressed or something... it just all feels strange... I don't have any urge to look at her myspace or Facebook... I have no interest in knowing if she's logged into IM or anything... just not sure where this sudden enlightenment came from and I have never really experienced it before...

Guidostern · Oct 18, 2008, 05:36 AM

Well, a new day has began and I'm confident, but hurting pretty bad right now... she sent me a text telling me that she misses me and is starting to think about things differently.

It's hard, because like everyone says; it's still fresh. I want so bad to respond to the text message, but I know that I'll probably be setting myself up for disappointment and more heartache if I do...

I'm really not sure what to do anymore... do I respond back and see where it goes? Do I try a new approach on things? Does she really miss me and is she REALLY thinking about things differently?

I was at work when I got the message. One of my friends called me and got my mind off it, but then said that she had messaged him too saying that she wishes I would just come back... but I don't think it's going to be that easy... there are a lot of things which are still wrong with us if we were to try and make this work... do I take the chance and return to her? Maybe things will really be different this time... maybe she's cleared her head, I know that I've cleared mine and it's helped a lot... I'm just really weak and missing her right now... I guess I should probably just keep trucking though, because it's a new day and I've come a long ways from where I was...

talaniman · Oct 18, 2008, 07:16 AM

You talked a few days ago, and I think it may have triggered feelings in her. My bet, from all the others here I've read, is that she doesn't want a relationship, just you back in her life as a friend. Be honest with yourself, can you handle friend zone? Have you healed enough to just be a friend?

Thinking back to that last conversation, was she still confused, or did she just want to talk?

Just me, let this storm pass.

Guidostern · Oct 18, 2008, 07:31 PM

Oh I'm trying, I'm trying really hard to just let this all pass. When I last talked to her, she was confused and said that she is scared about what would've happened if we continued to stay together...

She tried calling twice today, and I didn't answer my cell phone at all. A couple of minutes later, I got weak and looked at her myspace... her status said "I'm frustrated with a guy" and it was apparently done right after she called me..

As far as being friends, yeah, I think I've healed enough to be friends with her... but I don't think that she's dealt with it enough to remain friends with me... of course, I could be wrong... I could see her and it spark something that is still there, but I could be ignoring...

talaniman · Oct 18, 2008, 08:33 PM

NO CONTACT, her confusion, and fear, doesn't have to be your.

Guidostern · Oct 19, 2008, 05:41 AM

I know... I didn't call her at all and deleted the text message just minutes after I posted that.

It doesn't keep away from the fact that I'm still confused and not sure what to do... yeah, I could be making the right choice by keeping NC, but at the same time I still wonder if I am making the biggest mistake of my life by not following my heart.

talaniman · Oct 19, 2008, 06:36 AM

That's pretty normal when we break a deep attachment, but weigh the good with the bad, and I think you'll see its time for a major change, and as hard as it is to carry it out, you will be happier later.

Guidostern · Oct 19, 2008, 01:46 PM

Yeah, I'm already making major changes to myself. My friends seen me earlier and said that they can already see the difference. They say that they're seeing the guy they used to know... the one who was around before my ex entered my life, which is actually really good... maybe this is what I needed to make me realize my mistakes and start putting me into the right direction...

I have all but quit drinking... I no longer smoke either, so that's a big start to getting back to who I was... I feel it, It's just been so long that I've really been myself that it's going to take a while before I'm actually sure that I'm seeing what I think I'm seeing now... but I'm still wondering if I'm making the right choice by keeping things like they are...

Guidostern · Oct 21, 2008, 06:54 PM

Well, I'm extremely proud of myself, even though it's only about 9PM here...

She tried to call me three times today and I didn't answer at all... I just hit ignore and let her leave the VM's... I haven't even checked them yet... I'm going to have my friends do that for me later tonight... she also called them afterwards, probably wanting to know if I was with them, but only two of the four of them answered...

I'm very excited and proud of myself. It's one of the first times she has called me that I didn't actually pick up the phone and start acting like a fool...

AskJenny · Oct 21, 2008, 07:13 PM

No contact with someone you aren't sure you should or should not be with tells me you really cared for this person so good for you that you're doing the no contact with her. You know in your heart what's gone on with your relationship and IF it could work... maintaining distance sometimes works to actually bring you closer together IF you both realize what you had and want it back... only better. Maintain no contact; you know her and know what's she prob doing anyway so tell yourself that.

Originally Posted by Guidostern

Well, I'm extremely proud of myself, even though it's only about 9PM here...

She tried to call me three times today and I didn't answer at all...I just hit ignore and let her leave the VM's...I haven't even checked them yet...I'm gonna have my friends do that for me later tonight...she also called them afterwards, probably wanting to know if I was with them, but only two of the four of them answered...

I'm very excited and proud of myself. It's one of the first times she has called me that I didn't actually pick up the phone and start acting like a fool...

talaniman · Oct 21, 2008, 08:08 PM

Not acting like a fool, is a good thing.

Guidostern · Oct 22, 2008, 12:49 AM

Yeah, I know... I'm so glad that I didn't act like that... I didn't even give myself the option. I went and hung out with some friends and they checked the VM's for me and deleted them...

I was going to block her number, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm still not sure that I'm doing the right thing at this point, but I've got to do something. I still have some thought of us being able to work things out, because nothing's ever stopped us before... but then I just remember exactly what she said to me the last time I talked to her and realize that if she's wanting to hurt me that bad, then obviously she's wanting to push me away right now.

One of my best friends made a good point tonight during the three minutes I allowed him to talk about it... he said, "You know she's only doing that to you so she can make herself feel better...she still cares about you and has her moments where she calls one of us wanting you to come home, but you generally wouldn't answer your phone." Then he went on to say a few other things, but what hit me the most is the last thing he said. He told me "She's going to wake up one morning and realize what she had, and when she does, you'll be over her and there will be no way for her to get you back then."

Of course, I disagreed with him... but I got to remember that this is all still very new and I'm going to think things like that from time to time. It really sucks hearing all of that because I do want to go back to her so badly... sometimes I've told myself that we're not together because of foolish pride... our souls are both way too proud to ever give in to each other at the right times...

But, I'm working hard on getting things to where they need to be for me now... that's all that matters.

Guidostern · Oct 24, 2008, 08:11 AM

Well, another day or two has passed by and I'm feeling terrible again. No, I didn't contact her... but I still feel terrible... not really sure how to channel all of this out of me in a positive manner. I've been working out, but that doesn't seem to help, I've went out and shot skeet and that helps some, but there is so much pressure that I feel like my head is going to explode...

kctiger · Oct 24, 2008, 09:57 AM

You are going to be all right man! It takes a lot of time. What helped me was taking LONG walks and blaring some music into my ears. I live in a suburb that has a lot of empty land around, so it is nice cause I can cry a bit and not have anyone looking at me like I am a freak. We can get through this... we WILL get thorugh this.

jmw0713 · Oct 24, 2008, 01:00 PM

Yea man it's not easy. I am going through all of this crap for the first time. It's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life... so far. I miss her more than anything right now, but I keep going. I try to stay busy with all sorts of things, working out, Karate class, work, friends, family. I just picked up a shotgun about a month ago and have yet to use it. So now that you mention it, I think I will go out and do some skeet shooting when the weather clears up a little bit. Nothing like imagining the a-hole who stole her from me as being one of those clays! :D

You just got to keep plugging along and keep yourself occupied until the feelings pass, which for me and apparently for KC and you will take a while. I was with my ex for over 3.5 years. She left me for someone else while doing an internship in FL and strung me along for the last 3 months basically, all the while hiding the fact that she was talking to/see this other guy. So yea, I know how you feel and luckily you have family, friends, and people on here to help you through it. I know that they help me.

No one will say it's easy, but they will all say that everything will get better soon. Hopefully for us it will happen sooner than later.

Keep on moving forward man, you can do it. Don't be afraid to talk about with anyone. I have been finding, when I feel down about this, that talking it out with family and friends helps me feel better because they can offer an outside perspective on things that you may not be seeing right now because of the state of mind your in.