[wikedjuggalo]

I didn't mean to come off rude for you posting. I do want her back, but I can't force her back.

I feel a little better, an old friend (girl) I knew back in the 9th grade I talked to today. I found out she had always had a crush on me and as did I (I was too much of a sissy to act on them at that time) but had moved away. She went through what I am going through about 6 months ago.

Not that I thinking I should pursue a relationship its just nice to talk. My chest is still hurting and its kind of hard to breath . I am still hurting.

[BrewCrew0981]

You'll hurt for a while, wiked. I'm going on 6 weeks after a breakup of 7 years. It still hurts me every day. But, I'm WAY better than I used to be. You'll get there, bro. Just take it one day at a time and concentrate on YOU. There is no one controlling your life now but YOU. YOU now have full control over your own fate. Enjoy that freedom.

[wikedjuggalo]

Its 4 in the morning again. I can't sleep, I'm so tired but my mind keeps racing with thoughts. I just want to scream. I want to talk to her so bad. But I know I can't it will hurt me more.

I work up to my chest hurting again. I had 2 dreams of her last night both involved me getting back with her. I felt like screaming. I just can't stop my subconscious mind from projecting this. I finally just crashed last night I was numb to everything. I work up at about 3 am after the dream. It sucked I couldn't go to sleep, my body was tired but my mind kept me awake. I felt like my body itself was sleeping but my mind wouldn't.

[busterite]

I just can't stop my subconscious mind from projecting this.

Unfortunately the nights are the hardest because you have no control of your mind and the thoughts keep racing. Unfortunately the fact that your mind isn't allowing you to go back to sleep is a reaction meachanism that protects you. When you are awake you can block things out one way or another and you feel better so subconsciously you are keeping yourself awake. See this is like a fresh wound at the moment and anything that goes on it stings so what your mind is doing is trying to prevent anything from hurting you. With time the wound will heal and will start hurting less. Drinking something to calm you down (something natural like camomile) is a good idea. To be honest I went through similar things and there is no magic recipe I can give you. Just stay focused and keep in mind that this won't last forever.

[wikedjuggalo]

I had a very weird experience today. People might read this and think he's crazy but let me go into detail. In my life I have dreams, and these dreams depict a real life situation. When I have these dreams I know it but then they slip away (the memories). They often have me going through and feeling as if I have lived that moment in time before. Most times its just irrelevant stuff like driving somewhere but it hits me when it happens like wait... I've been here. And then the memories of the dream surface. You might think I'm crazy but I not.

Today it happened to me but it was different. I was sitting in my humanities class watching a movie, in this movie a guy bends down to pick up a white handkerchief a girl dropped, at that moment it hit me and a feeling of everything is going to be all right and calmness came over me. I knew I had seen it before and it tied into something else but at that moment I felt eased. I couldn't remember the other part of the "dream" but I just had a gut feeling something good came out of it.

Idk you probably are thinking this guys is crazy.

I am hurting again. I'm really sad. I want to talk to her so bad but I know no contact is best for me. I wish I could sleep one night without waking up a lot. I felt kind of numb at school today like a zombie again. Its really sucking. I've spent the last half hour with tears in my eyes. The pain in my chest came back and I am trying to keep my mind occupied. I am going to run to the store in a minute. Try to clear my head.

[BrewCrew0981]

You need to surrender whatever control you think you have. People still remember their loves from 40, 50, 60 years ago and think about them sometimes. I still think of my first love and that was almost 15 years ago. You'll get better with time and NC. Just stick with it. As the sticky says "it WILL get better, even if it's nanobits each morning."

[411Help]

Man, all I can tell you is that the only remedy to these kinds of situation is TIME.

Suggestions :

MMA
Boxing
Running
Puzzles / Mind teasers
Cross words / ETC..

Do whatever you can to stray your thoughts away from the situation.

[wikedjuggalo]

Well last night was a little better, but I still had a dream. I am trying to keep busy, but its very heard. I am off to school, its my long day today, 6 hours.

[wikedjuggalo]

Done with school and feeling o.k. Still tired but every time I try to sleep my mind races. I have plans with some friends tomorrow night to go bowling so we'll see how all that goes.

[BrewCrew0981]

This helped for me to get to sleep. Maybe it'll work for you.

The thing you need to make your reality right now, is that you have ZERO control over the situation (as far as you and your ex). There is NOTHING you can do to bring her back. The sooner you accept and realize this, the sooner you will fall asleep.

Good Luck.

[cowboyjai]

You're doing all the right things bro. You're going to start feeling better before you know it. Food for thought, NC definitely gets easier with time. You still get the odd occasional spike, but the total all-encompassing desire eventually fades away.

I changed my phone number and email addresses too. I had/have a hard enough time dealing with this **** as it is, I don't need one loaded email from her taking that away. I wanted to remove as many variables as I could, so all I was dealing with was myself. Don't know how far you want/need to go. Think about it though.

[wikedjuggalo]

I removed all contact points except I have email memorized. I didn't have her new numbers memorized but deleted them out of my phone. Yesterday was a really bad day. I had someone enter my life again after I hadn't talked to her for about 2 or 3 years. She moved away but it as nice to catch up with her. She has talked a lot to me and knows exactly what I am going through because she is/was going through the same thing.

I was really sad yesterday and just felt like pure sh*t. I ended up crying again. I went to Walmart to get some headphones and the guy at the counter was like "Dude are you alright?, your not going to pass out in here are you?" I was like not just tired.

I am surrendering control. I can't do anything to change this. I admitted it. Hopefully I can' feel like I feel now tomorrow now. I don't feel that bad.

Life keeps going with me going along or if I stop.

[wikedjuggalo]

I wonder too sometimes. Should I chase my ex? Then I realize Im still afraid to walk away. It's already happened. I sometimes think she'll be waiting for me when I get home. She never is man. The fact is there's not a lot we can do right now if they just aren't keen. All we can do is walk and try not to look back. It sucks but I'm sure deep down you must agree.

I have the same feeling when I walk to my car after school. That she will be waiting there for me, to beg me back. But she isn't. I find myself get jittery when I get near home because in the back of my head I hope she is waiting there for me. But she isn't. I am trying to let go.

So far the hardest part of my day includes
Going to sleep, mind races.
Waking up, specially after a dream
Times when my mind wonders.

[miniminx4]

The way I see it is that if someone really wants to be with you, they say they love you, then why are they hurting you?
The last thing that people who are really committed to you will do is want to upset you. If they do upset you and you tell them so they will be devastated and will do whatever they can to make you happy.
I know its harsh but perhaps you should look forward to the day when you find this person.

[wikedjuggalo]

I am looking forward to that day. I'm in the process of getting over this. It hurts and is hard. Its true if something loves you, you let it go and it will come back to you.

[miniminx4]

I know its hard but you need to look after you and try to do stuff to keep you occupied. Yes you are right... let it go and if it comes back to you it is meant to be. What's for you won't go past you!

[wikedjuggalo]

*sigh* had 2 more dreams last night. I woke and kept telling myself its over, I have no control over what happened. Was hard to get back to sleep after that. I have plans this evening to go out with some friends so that might help. I actually was able to eat yesterday which included more then just 1/2 a sandwich.

Something good did happen yesterday, I was approved for a small grant, which added an extra 350 a semester. I have a pre cal test today so I hope I do good on that today.

[talaniman]

Hang in there buddy, it will get better, as the dreams are only a passing storm. Seeing friends for fun, will do you good. Life will balance itself out, just stay on the path, you'll see. Good luck with your test.

[busterite]

From your responses to other peoples posts I think you have gone quite a long way since your first days. As time passes by you will feel less vulnerable to the dreams and to the idea of her not being there waiting for you and wanting you back. As time passes by and you start going out, living your life, new experiences will bridge that gap you might feel and give your mind new food for thought. All this is a phase that unfortunately many people go through. Stay focused and good luck on your test today!

[wikedjuggalo]

School was kind of rough today. I did my test but didn't think I did that great on it. I had thoughts coming into my head and tried to dismiss them by telling myself its over and I have not control over it. Still hard.