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jennifer ellen · Sep 3, 2008, 01:36 AM

I don't think she knows what she wants I'm with a guy who just split from a 10 year relationship and I know he still loves her its hard for me to but I'm in a different relationship to you I have a kid to this man and yes I was the rebound. My opion is to confront her straight on what she wants and needs and what she expects from the future if its you then she shouldn't be like this with you as she will push you away.
You also have to think about yourself (which I haven't done) do you want to be with this person who still has feelings for there ex, this will cause many problems in the future for you as it has for me I'm still working on it 3 years later. Hope all goes well for you and you get the outcome you need. ;)

Chery · Sep 3, 2008, 02:53 AM

Originally Posted by tabbarat

anyway, I bumped into her and her friends today! Talk about awkward!. (which shows that there are still feelings for me.. bc if she was normal, then it would mean she forgot about me... but awkwardness means feelings)

Not too sure about that.. awkwardness just means very uncomfortable to me..

that's what I mean: giving her the bigger kiss shows I still like her, but ignoring her during the convo, and excusing myself later to leave shows I'm OK without her

Again, to me this looks like you have a possessive attitude and wanted to 'brand' her. HER feelings were not on your mind there at all.

Comments or what is the next step, anyone?

So, you see things can be seen differently under different circumstances. All I'm trying to tell you is that you need to tell yourself whether you want her because you have to win all the time, or do you think knowing her for 4 months proves your un-dying love and respect for her? Double check your motives here and if you really think you have a chance and are positive that you are the one to make her happier than anyone else in her life, keep on trying, but don't make a contest out of it.

Again, good luck.

liz28 · Sep 3, 2008, 04:05 AM

The only reason I said to back off is because how could you want to try to be with someone who isn't completely over her ex. The only reason for them not being together is due to her move. What happens your get back together than weeks or months you wind up in the same boat. Again, in order for her to be able to fully devote herself to you is not to be emotional attached to anyone else. Only than can she give you her all. I am not telling you this just because but only because I learned this from experience. One someone is not over someone and your giving your all it tends to put a lot of questions in your mind.

tabbarat · Sep 3, 2008, 06:27 AM

Chery: I appreciate your wishes... I don't want to have to justify that she still has feelings.. bc if you were in my place you could tell... when she called me 2 nights ago, she asked who I was with, went quiet when I told her I was with a "friend", she told me she was looking at old pics of us, and there was a bit of flirting on the phone... it is obvious our feelings are still there, but the difference is I want to express them, she wants to try to get over them until she sorts her life out (work, ex, etc.)

I miss her a lot and things were going amazing... I was away for 3 weeks during summer, and she would call me twice a day and constant messages telling me she missed me.. when I came back she wanted to see me everyday.. so, yes, I do want her for what we had and can have, NOT because there is another guy in the pic.. her ex was always in the pic in one way or another (read my question about how she wanted to take things slow physically), but it never stopped me

Liz: u are right... im not denying... since she turned to her ex during her time of stress, if we get back, it will always make me think... but these issues can be solved by talking and having a mature conversation... giving up and backing off won't solve much.. thanks again

Another thing... my life from ages 16-27 has been mostly about playing around and enjoying the single party life... I only give my heart and best when I think its someone worth it... and that's why I've only had 2 "serious" relaionships (one for almost 5 yrs, and now this one for 4 months)... the rest were meaningless or no more than 1 or 2 months

Just to give my perspective about why I'm being "possessive" :P

asking · Sep 3, 2008, 07:16 AM

Originally Posted by Chery

All I'm trying to tell you is that you need to tell yourself whether you want her because you have to win all the time, or do you think knowing her for 4 months proves your un-dying love and respect for her? Double check your motives here and if you really think you have a chance and are positive that you are the one to make her happier than anyone else in her life, keep on trying, but don't make a contest out of it.

I think this is a really good point.

talaniman · Sep 3, 2008, 07:59 AM

I have always found it helpful to give some situations some time, before going back, and taking a second look, just for the added perspective. Having a balance also puts things in a more realistic light also.

Rejection can leave us with some rather weird feelings to deal with.

hjpan · Sep 3, 2008, 08:20 AM

Don't expect anything from her, tabbarat.

tabbarat · Sep 3, 2008, 09:15 AM

True talinaman... time is important... gave her almost 10 days of no contact before she called me... the only thing I realized being away from her is that I miss her, we can have smthg amazing still

hjpan: your right as well... not expecting anything... learned to be realistic and keep my expectations low so that I won't be disappointed, BUT if I'm going to go down, its going down knowing that I just didn't give up

Moreover, my ex, the one I went out with for almost 5yrs... about 3 months after we broke up, she met someone and now are getting engaged after about 2 yrs togeher... so I doubt she is marrying a rebound... sometimes you can find love right after a long relationship... rare but possible

hjpan · Sep 3, 2008, 11:43 AM

Originally Posted by tabbarat

true talinaman...time is important...gave her almost 10 days of no contact before she called me...the only thing i realized being away from her is that i miss her, we can have smthg amazing still

hjpan: ur right as well...not expecting anything...learned to be realistic and keep my expectations low so that i wont be disappointed, BUT if im going to go down, its going down knowing that i just didnt give up

That's the spirit =]

I don't expect my ex to crawl back to me or even "be-friend" me

notbigthing · Sep 3, 2008, 08:31 PM

I do want to know how things go, and do hope you will win her back, keep me posted. Because, I talked to my ex yesterday, and told him I log on this site often recently, we are good friends now, I still hv feelings for him, but it desnt prevent us to be friends, he is such a good friend of me, we exchange the tidbits of daily life every day,and I'm in a similar situation of u, he hs a long time relationship, and I'm the new one (6 months), he went back with his ex, and I didn't lose hope of getting him back.
So, if finally, after all, at last,eventually, you get her back, that's really a good sign for me.
And let me know your next step.

tabbarat · Sep 4, 2008, 01:47 AM

Sure! Of course I'll let you know... we're in this together! :P

What I'm thinking, is that I'm going to contact her friend today (one of the girls she was with when I bumped into them 2 nights ago), and suggest to do smthg... I'll tell her to tell the "girls" (meaning my ex as well)... that way my ex can come and feel comfortable around her friends (considering it was a bit awkward when we bumped into each other)

If they come, great, I know how to handle it... be nice and polite and crack jokes with everyone, but once in a while flirt with the ex

If they don't, then no problem.. do my own thing on the weekend, and give my ex a call after the weekend to see how she is

The way I see it, is give space, be friendly, do your own thing... but IF you want them back, once in a while you have to mix it up... invite them on a date, have a flirty conversation, etc.. have to keep it balanced; anything to keep you out of the friend zone!

notbigthing: if you want him back, watch out for the friend zone!

notbigthing · Sep 4, 2008, 02:25 AM

I know, tabbarat, I won't let the most beautiful thing ever happened in my life go that easily, :) I hope one day I can write a post with this title---"how i get him back"

tabbarat · Sep 4, 2008, 04:45 PM

Hi everyone! Would appreciate your thoughts on what happened tonight:

I sent one of my ex's friends a message telling them that I'm going to be in this restaurant having dinner and playing some cards, and they (them and my ex) are welcome to join me... they called me later and told me that they are going to passby... when they came, they sat on another table because they didn't want to disturb our card game... but after like 30 minutes, they sent us some drinks, and a note to me saying "hi, hope you are winning"

When that happened, I left my friends and went to sit with them.. we had a nice conversation, still mostly with her friends than her, but less awkward then the time I bumped into her... while we were walking out, I took one of her friends to the side, and told her to take care of my ex for me... we said our goodbyes, and again I gave my ex a big kiss on the cheek

So my analysis: 1) they didn't have to come to the restaurant if my ex didn't want to... I mean if my ex doesn't have feelings anymore, or thinks seeing me is a bad idea or doesn't want to se me, she wouldn't have come... but she did

2) I liked the sending of the drinks and note... whoever sent it (her or her friends), it had to happen with her consent

3) even though it was still a bit awkward and had more conversation with her friends, I still showed I was confident and OK and having fun... BUT I made sure to tell her friend to take care of her and gave her a big kiss on the cheek

I'm interested to know what you guys think... does her coming when I invited them mean smthg, or is it just friendly... what about the drinks and note? Is there a next step?

Thanks

Ash123 · Sep 4, 2008, 06:12 PM

Drinks mean nothing but friendship right now.

The only way to get any meaning is time apart and let her put some real words and feelings together. "I hope you are winning" is not: "we need to talk"... She likes you. But does not like her conflicted feelings and is a bit of a mess... STAY BACK MY FRIEND.

tabbarat · Sep 4, 2008, 06:38 PM

Thanks for the advice... 1) friendship is still better than nothing... I really care about her and do want her to be happy even if its not with me (I told her that)... in any case, friendship means contact, contact means smthg may happen again because I'm still in the picture

2) I agree that "hope you are winning" is nothing major, but it is a first step right? Maybe she doesn't want to talk about us now, she still needs time... so I am giving her time... we went from convos everyday to once or twice a week, and when I bumped into her yesterday it was the first time in almost 20 days!. and when we do talk it is normal conversation, so I am not pressuring her

She knows how I feel, I'm being friendly, giving her space, not bringing up "us" because its still early...

Ash123 · Sep 4, 2008, 06:46 PM

I think you may be betting on the wrong horse, but hey. I know it's hard to walk away.

Hang in there...

A

tabbarat · Sep 4, 2008, 06:51 PM

Hi everyone! Would appreciate your thoughts on what happened tonight:

I sent one of my ex's friends a message telling them that I'm going to be in this restaurant having dinner and playing some cards, and they (them and my ex) are welcome to join me... they called me later and told me that they are going to passby... when they came, they sat on another table because they didn't want to disturb our card game... but after like 30 minutes, they sent us some drinks, and a note to me saying "hi, hope you are winning"

When that happened, I left my friends and went to sit with them.. we had a nice conversation, still mostly with her friends than her, but less awkward then the time I bumped into her... while we were walking out, I took one of her friends to the side, and told her to take care of my ex for me... we said our goodbyes, and again I gave my ex a big kiss on the cheek

So my analysis: 1) they didn't have to come to the restaurant if my ex didn't want to... I mean if my ex doesn't have feelings anymore, or thinks seeing me is a bad idea or doesn't want to se me, she wouldn't have come... but she did

2) I liked the sending of the drinks and note... whoever sent it (her or her friends), it had to happen with her consent

3) even though it was still a bit awkward and had more conversation with her friends, I still showed I was confident and OK and having fun... BUT I made sure to tell her friend to take care of her and gave her a big kiss on the cheek

I'm interested to know what you guys think... does her coming when I invited them mean smthg, or is it just friendly... what about the drinks and note? Is there a next step?

Thanks

LostInHisEyez · Sep 4, 2008, 07:51 PM

Maybe she just wants to go out and show you that she's not spending all her time with this ex. She has a life of her own, and even though you want to be a part of it, as of now-you cant. Be her friend if you don't think it won't hurt you in the end, but, I would just let her do her own thing.. if she tags along that's all her then, but I wouldn't be texting her or anything.

notbigthing · Sep 5, 2008, 12:45 AM

I think its good sign, u just need to step by step to be close to her.

tabbarat · Sep 5, 2008, 03:24 AM

Lostinhiseyes: but why did she come to the same place I was in? She could have easily went somewhere else, or told her friends to go somewhere else.. would she really just come all the way there to show me she is going out? Anyway, her ex of 10 yrs doesn't live in dubai with us

Why the drinks and note? Why start smthg?

Anyway, I learned not to expect anything.. I took it easy and was normal about it... giving it another couple of days and we'll see..