[brokenhearted1515]

How long has it been for NC?

[bigbird213]

Well, I guess my "heart" wishes she would storm the doors occasionally and beg for me to take her back but I've come so far now, those little pangs are instantly quelled and silenced.

Funny you should say that...

Almost 5 months on and I get these feelings at times. Very rarely, but they are something that will continue to happen for quite some time. Fewer and further between now, but happen nonetheless.

[143u]

Hey Jai, I was going through the whole block thing you made here.. It was very impressive must say. In fact, I sud steal your idea of making one for myself because I am going through this terrible breakup period for myself rite now.
I'm really happy that you got over all this.. I wish I could too someday in near future.. because this thing is killing me like nothing.. good work man.. cheers

[cowboyjai]

NC has been... a month? Over a month? I've been single now for almost two, broke nc once near the beginning. I'm out of the one day at a time thing, so time blurs now, days turn to weeks and it's easy to handle.

I told her the last time I spoke to her to only contact me if she wanted to give us another shot or otherwise to have a good life. I'd probably like to be friends after I've met someone new (which I assume would go a great way towards putting the final nail in the coffin) but I'm realistic enough to know it probably wouldn't be that simple for either of us. I might not ever be 100% OK with dealing with her and she is angy that I couldn't be her friend immediately after the breakup. Ultimately though, it's all good.

[cowboyjai]

Hey Jai, I was going thru the whole block thing u made here.. It was very impressive must say. Infact, I sud steal ur idea of making one for myself coz i am going thru this terrible breakup period for myself rite now.
I m really happy that u got over all this .. i wish i could too someday in near future.. coz this thing is killin me like nothing.. good work man.. cheers

Do it man. If you're like me these thoughts are impossible to bottle and they rip you to pieces from the inside. This is probably the most supportive atmosphere I've seen on the internet and trust me, strangers kindness goes a LONG way when you feel like this.

Thanks for the kind words man. This girl was everything to me and at the start I honestly thought I was going to die. If there had been a little red button with 'the end' written on it, well, I doubt I would have hesitated. It seems a little ridiculous now but that's seriously the way I felt. This was my first breakup so next time I'll know how to deal with it better.

There is a plus side though - if I can do it, so can you! I knew this was honestly goih to show me who I was deep down and bring it to the surface, and I was both surprised and proud of who that was. Im sure you are in for the same thing. Ever asked the universe what it was all for man? Well this is it. This pain, this struggle into better times. So keep your head up, embrace it all, never give in and know that it IS going to all get better.

There are good people here who will show you the way.

[cowboyjai]

September 20 - 7:35pm

Feels like I'm relapsing in a way. I went out last night with the boys, had a GREAT night, but got totally hammered. I'm 99% sure the alcohol in my system sunk me low today (last night I was fine, felt great). Don't get me wrong - I don't drink to ease the pain or whatever. But I am consciously starting to notice that maybe alcohol IS affecting me - if not when I'm drinking it, but the day after. Maybe, it's just a guess anyway, it could be a myriad of things that have got me down today.

I was going to go hang out with a buddy tonight but I got to the train station and just couldn't do it, so I turned around and came home.

The boys from last night are likewise also looking for me to hang out again tonight (we made plans to, they fell through, then they didn't, then they did, I don't know is happening), but I'm not picking up the phone.

All today I was just at home FREAKING out about everything. No I did not get emotional or cry or anything but I was definitely lying there freaking out a bit. I talked to my dad tonight about it, he said I'd probably get these days for around 6 months or so. That's a long time dad I said. He said it depended a lot on whether I hooked up with somebody else within that 6 months. Hahahaha, good ol dad.

I watched that movie again today. I don't know if I'd say it caused me pain... but... not sure. I'm not watching it again.

I'm not giving in though. I'm going to text the boys and say I'm not coming, then clean my room, clear my head, get some windows open in here, change my bedsheets, get some music happening and maybe start writing some plans. Idk, feels like I'm drowning, but I know how to swim a little too.

[talaniman]

The alcohol depression is a hangover, sleep it off.

[BrewCrew0981]

I've been purposely avoiding alcohol myself. Normally, I'll go out and drink once a week. But, knowing what will happen when I do drink, I avoid it.

[wikedjuggalo]

I've been purposely avoiding alcohol myself. Normally, I'll go out and drink once a week. But, knowing what will happen when I do drink, I avoid it.

Yes... as tempted as I have been to have drinks over these past weeks I have turned them down knowing I'll feel worse afterwords. Alcohol makes you feel better but in the morning you feel twice as worse.

[cowboyjai]

21 September 2008 - 7:16am

I had some really crazy ******* dreams last night, I've only slept for 4 hours, I need to get these down. Please bare with me... these do make me sound like I belong in a mental house.

The first I remember having, I was 100% lucid. My first real lucid dream. I thought it was so cool, I'd snap my fingers and have fire come out, I could fly (it was hard, but I could do it), and anything I didn't like I changed (there were these people who were trying to get me or something and I remember laughing and saying "no", waving my hand and they disappeared). ANYWAY, the crazy part was that I remember thinking "alright, I'm in my subconscious and I can do anything I want - let's get her here and ask myself some questions about my ex". However, when I thought of her/tried to summon her, she did not appear (the only thing I could not summon in the dream last night). Instead a tombstone appeared, and on it was written "Silvia left your life in between Moreton and the Cayman Islands. She is gone now." along with the letter "L".

******* CRAZY. Moreton is an island here in Australia, but, I've never been there. I'm also not 100% sure if that was what it said on the tombstone, but I know it was something similar (I wanted to wake up and write it down, and I did, but then I realised I had only written it down in another dream). So there you go, a 100% lucid dream which I could not bring my ex into, and when I tried I got some crazy grave stone. It was the only thing I COULDN'T do (I even made a second version of me in there to hang out with).

The second dream I was involved in, me and her were hanging out or something, and then we went back to her place. Things were going well until her dad saw me. I pretended to fall asleep, and he looked at me closely, then when he had decided I was asleep he went over and started to hit her, calling her insulting names and saying how she was her own worst enemy. Since I was only pretending to be asleep, I woke up and jumped on him. He left and called me a ***** for letting her use me. This dream was extremely long, it felt like days if not weeks. She wouldn't see me anymore, she was too frightened of her dad. He beat her again and again. She wouldn't admit to it but I saw the bruises and that. I ended up sneaking into the dad's room as he slept and knocking his teeth in and saying "don't hit her anymore". I was in another fight with him when I woke up from it.

I am not sure if I want to post these or not, but hopefully someone out there can offer me advice. When I woke up I was freaking out that maybe someone was abusing her but then I was like eh, it's only a dream man.

Cheers

[wikedjuggalo]

Man you sound like me with those crappy dreams. I mean I wish I could tell you something about them but most of the time people conclude that its just emotions coming out. I mean I had a dream of my ex who I begged not to screw her life up by getting pregnant. Could she be pregnant maybe but its not mine for sure. Weird meaningless to be honest dream.

I wish I could take something so I could not dream. Every night I have a dream mostly of stupid crap.

[BrewCrew0981]

What's weird for me is before our breakup, I would NEVER remember my dreams. Now I remember them vividly (her with other guys, hurting me, etc), and wake up 3-4 times a night. Weird how that happens. I try not to get to mad at myself, and just shrug it off. I'm positive she isn't losing any sleep over me.

[wikedjuggalo]

What's weird for me is before our breakup, I would NEVER remember my dreams. Now I remember them vividly (her with other guys, hurting me, etc), and wake up 3-4 times a night. Weird how that happens. I try not to get to mad at myself, and just shrug it off. I'm positive she isn't losing any sleep over me.

Tell me about it. I get mad because I'm losing sleep and getting upset while she sleeps soundly without a care in the world. Life is messed up at times but the strongest survive.

[BrewCrew0981]

While it might be mean, take solace in the fact that some day, someone will do this to her. :D It helps me out a little bit.

[cowboyjai]

LOL

21/09/08 - 7:14PM

I really, really wanted to break NC earlier today, be like hey what's up how you going you want to catch up tonight just as friends?

I slept it off.

Phew

Crisis over

[turbogtir]

Don't break NC dude , keep at it

[wikedjuggalo]

LOL

21/09/08 - 7:14PM

I really, really wanted to break NC earlier today, be like hey whats up how you going you want to catch up tonight just as friends?

I slept it off.

phew

crisis over

Good job! We all have those urges and you are defiantly getting better. Its been a tough weekend for you and you held on :)

[BrewCrew0981]

Bravo! We've all been there! Congrats on sleeping it off.

[cowboyjai]

23/09/08

Lol... I signed up for this like, online dating thing. Can't hurt right? I went to grab a photo of me off my myspace. Except it was an old one that the ex had commented on 'I love you kladsjkdasjkladsjkldsakljadsjklds whatever'. Anyway, I didn't click until I saw it, and she had changed her display picture that was next to the comment.

I mean, I only saw it for a split second, but whatever. You guys can guess what it was changed to.

Maybe it was just her with her friends, or whatever, maybe it wasn't, but, whatever, yeah, woo, that was like being punched in the face, bring it world, you can't touch me. If you want to kill me you'll have to do more than that.

I am barely hanging on right now, but that's what I'm telling myself.

[cowboyjai]

If anyone's out there reading this, have any of you ever thought this -

The Silvia I knew and loved and who loved me is gone... it's almost like she died.

There's another girl out there somewhere who looks like her... and has the same name as her... but it feels like my one is gone now.

This is probably why I don't see myself ever talking to her. The girl I knew is gone now anyway.

Does anyone have any experience feeling like that? These are all new emotions to me. Still can't believe people go through this every day. Maybe I need therapy, I don't know. I'm dealing best I can.