[bigbird213]

Thanks for the info guys.

I have been trying to keep myself busy so I can't think about her too much. Just sort of hanging in there I suppose. I don't know how long its been since I talked to her, but the beginning of this week I will be sending her the check.

Wednesday would have been 4 years for us, I don't see that being a problem for me, but I hope that it doesn't upset me. Still going out with my friends and trying to meet some new women, though I have a feeling once I do I won't really feel ready to do much.

[bigbird213]

Well after last night's debacle, I figured I should note it on here. I'm not going to go through what happened, read the NC calendar if your interested, because I don't want to relive it really.

I'm still sort of down. I'm actually really worried because the first time we broke up (last year) I was fine for a little while until I found out that another guy was involved. After that happened, I was destroyed for months. I don't know what it is, but my psyche can't handle that apparently. I just don't want that to happen this time (even though I don't really know anything).

I'm at work now, but my head is swimming. I can't focus and I'm really angry with myself for having done what I did. I was at the point where I would think of her two or three times a day for a few minutes, and I feel like today I am going to think about her all day long - and not good, nostalgic thinking.

I'm sure someone has been through something similar - does it take as long to get the thoughts of her to subside back to a low level as the first time, or is it a little quicker this time? Should I be thinking of her less by tomorrow? This afternoon?

[bigbird213]

Please don't mind my constant postings, but I need to write things down to remind myself:

Note to self: TODAY IS NO DIFFERENT THEN YESTERDAY.

[talaniman]

That's the way it happens sometimes. You just cruise through with the flow and out of nowhere we run into a rough patch, and its so rough we forget what we did through the calm times. Don't panic, you know the drill by now and what you did before to change your thinking will work for you now. You just have to get busy, and change your focus.
Given past events I expected a rough patch, but know your up for the challenge and will make the right adjustments, for yourself. I think you have just learned, it doesn't take much to throw off a good day.
Don't I have a way of making things sound easy? I know its not.

[bigbird213]

Thanks Tal,

I'm surprising myself sometimes, but I am self-aware enough to notice that I'm up now and five minutes later I'll be down again. Nothing new, just the usual ups and downs. I assume it will fade a little faster this time as I have done it before. Knowing it will fade does offer a little comfort, I just need a nap after such a bad night's sleep haha.

That phrase "I am my own worst enemy" really rings true sometimes. Imagining things that didn't happen, guessing what's going on in her mind, making assumptions -- if only that BigBird guy from last week was here right now - he'd kick my @$$

[Romefalls19]

Don't worry Bigbird, we all go through this at least one time. You could spend all your life wondering what she is thinking. That's what I told myself when all that stuff happened with my ex happened, I mean I could have easily wondered what is she thinking, does she want me back, is there hope for us. But I took a deep breathe and just said "keep doing your thing, you can only control yourself not others so why even be bother by it"

[bigbird213]

Yep,
To hell with 'em. I was a little upset about "what she was doing to me" last night. I though, "how could she do this" and "im so angry" until I realized one thing...

She didn't do a damn thing -- I did. Then I got angry with myself. Then I let it go.

[jpm247]

As I said, sometimes your up sometimes down. Its best to not have any contact at all, even clicking on a Facebook profile.

When I met up with my at the end of feb, it set me back to square one.

I quickly learnt from my error, and have had no contact since.

It really is the only way to go.

Its not easy to not think about them, and they will enter your head. Don't be to hard on yourself, you can only be in today, not tomorrow. Then tomorrow you'll be in today and another day of NC chalked up on that calendar.

You'll get better, but it does take a while. No quick fix I'm afraid, no innoculation that can stave of a case of missing the ex.

Only digging deep day by day and venting on AMHD!

[ajhastings88]

Guys I had a hard time last night, I could go to sleep and I was just missing her and worried abot her last night, now it's wors. The pain is 10 times greater but now its linguring. I don't think I can handle it.

[bigbird213]

The funny thing is that I feel bad that I got upset last night. My mom saw me, and now I think she's a bit upset at my ex. I don't really want feelings like that about her going about, even though it won't ever come up. In time all of this will fade...

[bigbird213]

guys i had a hard time last night, i could go to sleep and i was just missing her and worried abot her last night, now it's wors. The pain is 10 times greater but now its linguring. i dont think i can handle it.

AJ,

You are doing fine. As long as you don't make contact, you were successful. The pain generally gets a little worse before it gets better, but just wait until you start to feel better. What a great feeling it is.

Use my for an example, this thread chronicles the last month and a half for me, and you can see the progress I have made. Its all due to NC. If what happened to me last night happened a month ago, I can almost guarantee I would have called her, balled my eyes out, and wound up with lower self esteem, angrier with myself, and feeling lower than low. But I didn't, I learned and I grew, and still am.

You will get there, hang tough...

[bigbird213]

So I just had a few minutes to reflect on my breakup and I started having some thoughts...

I know towards the end of the relationship we weren't as "cuddly" and all as we used to be. Should would complain sometimes, but I don't think it was a huge issue with her. The thing she would complain about is that it "wasn't the way it used to be". She missed the fact that I would write her notes and leave them on her car, or that I would buy her flowers for no reason... just because.

She got upset because I didn't do those things so much anymore, and I guess she was right. The worst part is, now I feel like it was my fault because I stopped doing those things.

During the relationship, I justified it by saying that no relationship stays the same, especially after such a long time, but I guess I should have tried harder. I know many people who are in relationships that never did those sorts of things...

Is it possible that I spoiled her in the beginning and set myself up for what happened? Or is it more likely that she just had unrealistic expectations of how the relationship would play out and was looking for a "hollywood" relationship? Those are my two major thoughts on the issue.

Note: I'm not really doing this because I'm dwelling on her, but I want to realize what was wrong and if it was my fault or not. Has anyone been in a similar situation (I'm sure someone has)

[plonak]

My sweet sweet friend, I was reading some of your questions and posts today and have a very clear picture on the type of girl you were dating and she didn't seem like a good girl for you,

She seemed very controlling and possessive and immature.. for her to expect you to continually give her flowers and notes all the time is VERY unrealistic! No, I don't think you did anything wrong, and I know that you're reflecting on your relationship trying to see how you can improve, but come on BigBird it's very unrealistic of her to expect that all the time after being together for so long, relationships go through natural changes through time. You seem like you were a very good boyfriend, and from the looks of it she didn't deserve you.. You need to find someone who can appreciate you for you..

[bigbird213]

Thanks for the input...

I never really thought of her as controlling until the end of the relationship. I guess as a first real relationship you can kind of get brainwashed into thinking your wrong...

[bigbird213]

Well,

I just got in from being out for a while. I was have a little bit of a rough time, and when I come home I have an email from her in my inbox. For some reason, I sort of had a feeling that was coming, but was hoping I was wrong.

When I saw it in my inbox, my heart sort of dropped a little bit. I didn't read it yet, I'm a little bit nervous to. I am sure I am going to no matter what, but I figured I should just come on here and take a few to relax before I read it.

I never actually had contact with her, she has no idea about my "episode" the other day or anything. I have a feeling that she may have heard about my being named best man in my friends wedding and might be congratulating me - I'm not sure. Its either that, or she got the check from me today and is writing about it.

I guess I'll update once I read it, I'm just a little nervous...

EDIT: Just read it. It was very short. She was telling me she got the check that I mailed her yesterday and saying thank you. She also added that she saw that I deleted her from Facebook. I wish I didn't do it now, I should have just left her in there and stayed off it. I don't want to make it look like I was being a jerk, it sort of was a mean thing to do. I don't know how to explain it and I know you guys will tell me not to. I really feel like writing back, just saying "I am well, thanks for asking. I hope you are well too." and possibly something along the lines of "Don't take facebook personally, I just didn't want constant updates about your life" or something along those lines (not being mean, being honest). I'm not going to mention the picture I saw, as I'm starting to think that I overreacted (she might suspect that's why anyway). It just troubles me that she said "I saw that you deleted me as a friend on facebook, I don't know why, but whatever you have to do." It almost sounded like she was upset about it.

[losingit77]

Agh, bigbird. That's a tough one. I hear you about you "knew it was coming". Anytime my ex has contacted me I felt like I knew for a couple of days it was coming and then it comes and you're like, "agh, i knew i was right".

I hear what you're saying about responding because you don't want to seem like a jerk. But remember, she left you. She broke your trust and heart not just once but twice. Deleting her from myspace, keeping NC, is not you being a jerk. Its you looking out for No. 1, yourself!

I know its hard, but I think you're best bet is to not respond. Maybe in a couple of months you can start some light friendly contact once you're COMPLETELY over it. But you responding, especially with what you want to say, still shows her that she has the ability to have an impact on you. It shows that she still has this power over you.

Ignore it. You're not being a jerk by doing it. Come on, its not like she wrote you an e-mail apologizing for how she broke up with you! She doesn't deserve your apology or your sweetness. If she's upset about it, she has no one to blame but herself. And if she wants to reach out to you in a friendly manner, it should take a lot more than some short little e-mail to make that happen.

[plonak]

BigBird,

In my opinion, I don't think you owe her a reason why you deleted it. If you decide to write back, I suggest you keep the email short and sweet like you were thinking "I am well, thanks for asking. I hope you are well too." that doesn't give her what she's hoping for. She proly wants to hear that you're doing horribly because that will in turn ease her pain a little to know that you're hurting just like her and you don't owe her anything. She is out of your life now, I suggest you don't put too much into this, it might make you back slide in your healing. If you want her out of your life I suggest you don't give her too much information.

[bigbird213]

Thanks for the response losingit,

You think even en email excluding the apology, basically just an acknowledgement of her email would be a bad thing? Just trying to sort it out... thanks for your opinion, I really appreciate it.

You too plonak, thanks for the input.

I guess your right, I don't really owe her a response, but for some reason I feel bad about doing it. Like she already thinks I did it because I wasn't able to handle seeing it. Then again, this is making the assumption that she knows I just deleted it, for all I know she hasn't checked it in a month and just realized... So aside from Facebook, maybe I should just acknowledge that she is still alive... I really don't think it would set me back as I am not expecting a reply from this or anything else, I would just feel terrible for doing something which I know would upset her (I guess that's stupid, maybe I care too much)

[losingit77]

Ok, if you HAVE to send an e-mail, I agree with what plonak says. Just do that one line and nothing else. Don't mention the Facebook at all.

However, I still think it might be a bad idea. Because:

(1) If you send it, what are you expecting to happen? BE HONEST! I know, you're going to say, no I don't care if she doesn't respond. But really, be truthful. What if you send it, and you don't hear anything back? Its going to drive you insane for a bit! Right?

(2) You send it, you trade stupid little short emails for a while, and then you're sucked back into it. She's sending you e-mail as a "friend" while doing whatever else she wants to do, while you're analyzing ever single thing she says in each e-mail, analyzing how long it takes her to respond, wondering what even the punctuation means in each e-mail.

So, ask yourself, are you strong enough yet to not get sucked back into it all over again? Its only been a couple of months. Its OK to say "No, I'm not strong enough...YET".

[losingit77]

BTW, when I'm myself in these situations I wish I was as able to think so rationally about my own actions. Just goes to show how the heart and head can work in complete opposite.