[Chery]

I feel very overwhelmed, sad, helpless, frustrated, confused and F@CKING EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a physical and emotional drain on you because you want to do the right thing... But it's not your job.. it is her's! If she continues to do the 'poor me' bit, and is not willing to seek professional help, you need to put your foot down.

It's like with alcoholics.. they either want to quit, or don't. If they don't the best thing to do for them is to buy them a bottle and tell them to drink it all down to speed the suicide process up.

Suggesting a shelter was a good idea, and she should think about it or she will alianate herself from the entire family. Tell your mom not to take the blame for it all, she tried her best, and your sister is now a grown woman who can think on her own and make her own choices.

Maybe you might have to plan together and both (you and mom) be strong enough to tell her that she either seeks help or she's totally on her own.. she might need that shock to get her moving.. and it will be hard for you to do, but might be necessary. Just a thought..

The rest of your family deserves peace and support too and it's time she understands that she is not the 'center point' of everything just because she is having problems. Everyone has problems..

Again, all the best hon!

[startover22]

Chery, wonderfully said. I wonder if Mom and Dad can do it? I hope they can, shattered, I think Chery has the right idea here. I love you sweet, hoping the best for you! AND your family!

[shatteredsoul]

You make a very valid point Chery.. I really think we should all let her hit the bottom in a way and climb herself out of it. HOWEVER, the two year old child is part of this and it is hard for us to let him be in this situation.. I think this is why everyone continues to enable her in some way. ALSO, now my father has bought her a plane ticket, he thinks that if she goes there (AGAIN) that she will have time to get herself together and make a life for herself there. I don't think it will happen any easier there, than it will here because she will be staying with my dad. THAT is not the best scenario because after a couple days, they will be fighting also and Kirsta won't want to do or hear what he says.. or something will erupt. I just know it.. She may realize and sense the urgency in making choices but never actually chooses anything. The last time she lived with me, she attempted suicide after we got into a fight. (This was before her child was born) When she came back to stay with me after, I told her she must stay on medication, go to therapy and work, if she wanted to live at my house. It didn't last. The therapists don't last, the psychiatrist doesn't last and she goes back to live with her husband that she is verbally and physically abusive with.. as he is back to her. She may be bipolar, I don't know. BUT now that she will be leaving Saturday I don't know if that will just set her back even more. She could just as well start over here and begin by finding a job at a daycare so that her son would also be taken care of. WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE SEEM TO KNOW WHAT TO DO AND HOW SHE CAN MAKE IT BETTER BUT SHE CAN'T?? Why is it always the SAME Thing over and over?? Right now she is probably at my house overanalyzing her situation and sitting there immobilized and frustrated but not actually doing anything... sometimes I think I am losing my mind over this so thanks to all you people who keep me somewhat level headed and sane..
CHeRI you are a true friend and with all of your health issues, insurance problems, chronic pain, and overcoming severe addiction and tragedy, I SAY... you are amazing and I wish my sister could muster up the strength, just one ounce that you have to become resourceful and resilient and start helping herself...
YES she doesn't see past her own problems and pain and does think she is the center point of everything but will say she doesn't want to be that way. IT would almost be easier to have her be an alcoholic because then I could put her in a rehab.. well you know what I mean... I do appreciate what you say and you are very right about it all...
TUSC... people like you and Chery make the world a better place. YOU REALLY DO

[startover22]

Shattered, I forgot about the two year old, it really does change the outlook and outcome of this. I know your heart is hurting here. It isn't her... it is her off the meds, it is her out of the therapy, it isn't her that won't take what you are saying in consideration sweet... Maybe it is just time to say no to her... even with the baby, maybe it will help her to get her Chit together and take better care of herself so she can take good care of him! Shattered, I just know this is killing you, I am sorry to hear it. I love you!

[Chery]

Honey, it's BECAUSE of that little two-year old that she needs a Kick.. She needs to wake up and recognize her responsibility or have it taken away from her. You can apply for custody if the therapists she has broken with support you. And the physicians who treated her concur that she broke off her meds on her own.. Also if it is known that she has been a victim of spouse abuse. All of these a valid reasons for any social worker to start a case and transfer temporary custody over to another family member.

You might just have to threaten her with this scenario to get her to do something, or might actually have to initiate the action.. depending on how strongly you think you might have to act.

Right now, though you probably will have to wait until her and dad get it together - which from the sound of it will not last long. Then take action after talking with all others concerned. I think that young baby needs every chance in life - even if his mom has to be forced to recognize and accept her responsibilities.

It all sounds drastic, but compared to what you are going through due to her, it might be something to seriously think about.

Again, all my love and support.

[shatteredsoul]

I have seriously considered doing that... I guess I am and all of us are too personally involved and if we take away her son. We are afraid of what will happen.. but it isn't wise to base our choices or decisions on fear. WE are deathly afraid of making the wrong move and maybe she should lose her son... but I guess what comes after that is frightening.. I think we are too closely involved and have created a dependency that is unhealthy and difficult to stop... all of these scenarios together would be enough to take her child but it has happened over a period of a few years and not in the past couple years has she taken any medication.. but the abuse at home is definitely an ongoing thing.


Anyone remember Lilo and Stitch? No one gets left behind... its all I keep thinking... never give up on family... no one gets left behind...

[Chery]

I have seriously considered doing that... I guess I am and all of us are too personally involved and if we take away her son. We are afraid of what will happen.. but it isn't wise to base our choices or decisions on fear. WE are deathly afraid of making the wrong move and maybe she should lose her son.... but I guess what comes after that is frightening.. I think we are too closely involved and have created a dependency that is unhealthy and difficult to stop... all of these scenarios together would be enough to take her child but it has happened over a period of a few years and not in the past couple years has she taken any medication.. but the abuse at home is definitely an ongoing thing.


anyone remember Lilo and Stitch?? No one gets left behind... its all I keep thinking....never give up on family.... no one gets left behind...

Yes, I watch Lilo & Stitch too. But bebies would not learn how to walk if you constantly held them in fear they might fall. They fall and hurt here and there, bump their heads, and get scabs on their knees - it's all a part of learning how to balance.

Your sister needs to re-learn how to balance her life or she will endanger not only herself but her child.

If she wants to go back to her abusive husband, are you going to stand between them when he wants to hit her? The only thing you can do is to let her go, let it happen and maybe be there to pick up the pieces - but she has to learn to stop going back to wanting punishment - from any direction - she's seeking a way of self-destruction and is resentfull of help and interference. Have you asked her what kind of mother she wants to be - what she sees in her baby's future? Can she clearly answer this question?
Did she tell you why she feels unworthy of a happy life? Gosh, hon, I wish I could be there and have a heart to heart with her to help you. My heart aches to see you go through this.

[shatteredsoul]

Chery, I wish I could answer your questions with complete faith in my understanding, but to be quite honest, I really don't know why she is the way is, or why she continues to choose the same path. To be quite frank, she is abusive herself and I think her husband has become abusive in response to her. She doesn't have any awareness of any other perception but her own. She thinks that the way she sees it, is the way it is. Even if she is way off. She has no way of managing her anger or any other feelings. She gets overwhelming with anxiety and worries about the stupidest crap but can't make a decision about day to day things that make sense to everyone else.
JUST AN UPDATE! She left Saturday to go stay with my father in Wyoming. I don't see how things are going to be any different there. My husband and I told her to get a job, find daycare for her son and we would help her get an efficiency to get her on her OWN! Although she had already gotten plane tickets from my dad to go there. IT is the middle of winter, in a small town of 5,000 and she will be stuck in the house with my dad and her two year old. THAT Is a disaster waiting to happen. I am sure my dad will start bugging her and asking her questions about what she will do next and then she will get defensive and angry and BAM she will be ready to leave again.
I thought the best idea would be to let her figure it out, on her own, by herself and decide how to dig her way out. I know it is tough to let her do that with a baby but we cannot continue to cripple her. SHe will not get better living with any of us and we are too close to her to really be helpful. WE had our own fight about this and although she got very violent and angry, she did eventually think I was right about some of it. She felt glad that I actually believed she was capable of taking care of herself. I do believe in her but until she does something different, she will just go back to what she always does, NOTHING!! Then, go back to the unhappy, unfulfilled, abusive marriage, caused by BOTH of them... THAT Is not what I want to see happen. Yet I had to surrender any control because I can't change her life for her. I wish THere was something I could do to make her see.. she says I Can't change my life... I say YES YOU CAN.. but she has to believe it, want it and choose differently. HOW I WISH she could have a happy life.. I told her no one made you get married, or give up on yourself, or stop you from working, or make you have a child. YOU CHOSE IT and you are responsible for that and stop complaining about what mom did or didn't do for you, to you or whatever... EVERYONE has issues with their parents, BUT AT SOME point, we have to decide to live differently and stop blaming other people for our problems or what we haven't accomplished. DOES that mean I don't ever feel slighted from my parents, NO but I am too busy to worry about it constantly!! She doesn't keep herself busy enough so therefore she has too much time on her hands to worry and stay immobilized. She needs to work, be productive and start focusing on planning and preparing for her future instead of thinking her life is over. OH how I want that for her!!
Well, that is the latest and greatest... any thoughts, comments or anything you want to share from your own perspective?? I am all ears... or eyes... or whatever... you know what I mean! LOL xoxo and happy holidays to all!!

[Chery]

Sweetheart, I am going to be a little blunt here... YOU need to take some off time from her - you deserve to enjoy the holidays with your loved ones without any stress from the inevitable. It is not your fault that she turned out the way she is, not your fault that she is unhappy or angry at the world. I wish I were there to hold you and help you gain some strength to say NO to any other 'outside' influence and the torture you are going through on the inside. Please promise me that you will at least try to focus on your family in your home and in your heart. There is always time for stress again - but only if you give yourself a chance to re-group.
I wish this peace for you with all my heart dear, and hope that you can really 'shut off', clear that full plate, and fill it with cookies to experience some of the delicious parts of life.
Bless you and happy holidays hon. My thoughts are with you.
I know people need a certain amount of sorrow to feel empathy for others, but enough is enough for you right now... so please get cuddled and be happy for as long as it lasts.
Love,
Chery.
Am sending you Virtual Hugs and a valium... hope they help a little.

[ordinaryguy]

JUST AN UPDATE!! She left Saturday to go stay with my father in Wyoming. I don't see how things are going to be any different there.

Things may not be different in Wyoming, but they can be different where you are. Chery's right, hon.

YOU need to take some off time from her - you deserve to enjoy the holidays with your loved ones

You've been carrying too much weight lately, so cheers to your Dad for taking his turn.

[METERRE]

Please get back to living your life for you now... and get a break from everyone else's problems... How I wish the same thing for you that you do for your sister. I wish you could live your life and keep being productive, without having to be too much into your sisters or anyone else's life. To be happy and joyful... of course I know that it's hard, and I know you know too... but for now why don't you just try to let it all go... and like Chery said enjoy your holidays with your own family. Don't miss out on special moments just for worrying about other problems which aren't your own. I know that as a sister you might feel a certain commitment, plus you love her and everything but it really isn't your obligation. You have an obligation which is the family you've created, now that's your obligation.
I'm sorry don't want to sound mean or anything. It worries me the way you have been feeling so frustrated even more than what your sister could worry me. She has to start thinking as if all she had was her son and her. Giving her too much attention is only feeding the problem and thus never getting her any independency... you know that already.
Well Happy Holidays to all. And from my heart to you Shatteredsoul... love you.

[shatteredsoul]

WELL, I guess I seem a little stressed huh? LOL Ok I think you are all right.. I do need a break, even if I know there is something I could do more, or better, or different. It's THE FREAKIN HOLIDAYS!! I don't mean to be such a BAH HUMBUG!! I am so glad you guys are still listening to my ranting and raving. I know I can be a handful myself.
THANK YOU all soooo much.. CHery, Cowboy, and METERRE, I love you all and you have been great friends to me since the beginning. Believe it or not, you do help me and I do feel all the virtual hugs and the compassion, even if we are on the computer... I am very blessed to know each and everyone on here and I am going to take the heartfelt advice...
I am very much looking forward to Friday.. my husband and I got tickets to Mickey's Very MERRY Christmas party at Magic Kingdom and we are surprising the kids!! I am very excited and I am going to put all my troubles by the wayside for now... I need to enjoy the moments with my family YOU are right about that!! I am going to bake cookies this weekend and I have all next week off to hang out with them.. I promise I will follow the doctor's orders of REST and RELAXATION with the family!! LOL
I hope all of you will be spending holidays with those you love and enjoying yourselves as well. I am thinking of you guys and gals!! MY love and thoughts to you toooo!!

May we all be at peace this holiday season, just a little glimmer of joy in our hearts will go a long way this year... I am joyful and excited for SANTA!! LOL LOL I know him!!

[METERRE]

Couldn't agree more and be more happier for you. You and your family deserve stress free Holidays. Let's give it up for Shatteredsoul! And hope all her worries and troubles and that holding out her hand for the needy pays off this season. And Merry Christmas... to all.

[shatteredsoul]

********UPDATE************
My sister stays in one spot like BRITNEY SPEARS... the rolling stone of a sister wants to come back AGAIN and hasn't done sh!T but worry and stay immobilized!!
She has her mood swings, her erradic drives to NOWHERE and continues to push her family away.. SOUND FAMILIAR... yeah except my sister isn't famous, rich or dependent upon pills. SHE IS JUST off her rocker.. I know that sounds mean but its almost so tragic that I have to make jokes. SHE hasn't EVEN been gone three weeks and is ready to turn around and go back to the husband that she abuses and who abuses her. SOUNDS INTELLIGENT RIGHt? WRONG.. well he has been making her feel guilty for leaving and she thinks going back is the right thing... O<M<G it's the farthest thing from the truth... SHe stays with a family member then leaves constantly to drive around and do NOTHING and now I am wondering WHAT SHOULD I DO.. the answer is NOTHING I know it BOY, I DO KNOW it.. OH while she has been gone, the baby fell and got stitches in his forehead, it wasn't anyone's fault but GEEZ!!
SHE HASN'T found a job, and now we are back to square one...

I WISH SHE WOULD GET PROFESSIONAL HELP, WHY CAN'T Dr. PHIL show up on my sister's doorstep.. maybe he could make her see the light, maybe not..

ON ANOTHER note... I had a great week with my family, thank you all for you wonderful and kind thoughts, I have been thinking of all of you!! XOXOXOXOXO I love you METERRE and CHERY!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!! I have missed you guys. WHEW I am glad the holidays are over.. they were good but a little overwhelming to say the least...

[startover22]

Oh Shattered, you have come so far with this. You really have a good head on your shoulders! Your sister is going to do what she is going to do and until she decides to make the "right" choices, it will never change. You get to choose whether you supply her with help or not. Maybe it is time you all get together without her and promise each other no-contact till she gets it in her head. I am happy to see you are enjoying your family! That makes me smile! Hugs and lots a love headed your way. :)

[METERRE]

Shattered we missed you... or I did anyway... I'm really glad to hear you had good times on these Holidays, you and your family deserved it. Now about your sister... ok so have you ever tried writing to Dr. Phil?? Perhaps how things are going with her it could be worth it... maybe you could even express your concern with mental illness and medications. I don't know but I would be getting ready to either try anything including the last resort... or just forget about it and not bother. And just leave her on her own so she can come into consciousness and think about her and her kids. And like Startover said... some unity could be helpful.
Hey I hope you are able to come on a bit more frequently but even if not, I am always thinking of you and hoping you and your family are all right. This year will bring better things for you don't worry.

[Tuscany]

Shattered,
I have been waiting for an update on how the holidays went and how things were with you. It sounds like your sister is continuing down her path of destruction and unfortunately there is not a lot you can do. I think that Start's suggestion of unity is a great one. Think of it like parenting, parents need to be consistent - mom says no cookies, dad says no cookies that is it. Maybe that is the way that your family needs to be with your sister.

I am so glad that you made it through the holidays and things went well. Hang in there. You are a strong wonderful person. Always remember that!

[METERRE]

Does anyone know anything about Shatteredsoul? I'm really wondering how she's doing.

[startover22]

Does anyone know anything about Shatteredsoul? I'm really wondering how she's doing.

Me too, I am calling her right now. :D

EDIT::::::::
She is busy and good, Super Woman will be here soon to update! LOL
Woo Hoo

[KBC]

Me too, I am calling her right now. :D

EDIT::::::::
She is busy and good, Super Woman will be here soon to update! LOL
Woo Hoo

Thank you startover22, I am also concerned and would like to hear how she is doing, as well as her sis too!