[GlindaofOz]

Well its kind of like a whole new world for you isn't it? You've opened a fire hydrant and its hard to push that cap back on you know?

[farfrmnormal]

It definitely is - I am finding it hard to concentrate while at work. I am fine when I am home and have no problem occupying my time. But here, I just can't seem to keep myself busy enough. Today I feel like I am putting myself back into that "waiting" phase.

[GlindaofOz]

It is totally normal that happens all the time. I had always had the opposite problem. I would get CRAZY at work. I would invent things to do so I could guarantee 8 hours of not thinking about "it". Then at home I would try to do anything to stop from thinking but it never helped.

Any goofy things you need to do at work that will take up some time? Re-organize files? Any chance of making up a project?

[farfrmnormal]

Its stupid monotonous work right now that I get bored doing. Then my mind races with things I should have told him and want to tell him...
I hate this.

[GlindaofOz]

Oh geez that really sucks. I'm sorry you are having to go through with this. There is nothing worse then trying to deal with relationship stuff while you are at work. Its impossible to shut off sometimes.

Maybe try and write everything out just to get it out of your head.

[farfrmnormal]

I am doing that as well - here is what I struggle with - how can I move on, tell myself its over if he has not told me its over?

[farfrmnormal]

Anyone?

[GlindaofOz]

I don't know. That's the hardest part trying to reconcile it on your own. Its hard enough most times to accept that its really over even when the person tells you.

[farfrmnormal]

I could accept it if it were over - I would know then that I wouldn't have to try anymore and I would know I have done all I can. Right now, I know I have done all I can - but I'm still just... there.

[GlindaofOz]

Yeah "there" can be a pretty junky place to be. Its limbo. Its terrible. Its so hard to attempt to wait things out patience always seems to be in short supply when breaks happen. I wish I had something really perfect to say that would help you here but I'm at a loss. I always would hate it when someone would just reassure me in times like this. My best friend loves to spit out "everything is going to be fine" and it would just make me feel worse because I would say but is it really? Ultimately yes everything works out as it should and with distance and time that's easy to say but in the moment you just want to know what the heck is going on.

[farfrmnormal]

I sit here and I think about everything - I am giving myself a month to accept things and to "wait" things out. Work on myself, physically and continue my sessions with the therapist. Does it make sense that I can see myself at the end of the month perhaps being ready to tell him its over - if in fact he does not contact me before then?

Personally, I feel like a month of NC with an Ex is LOADS of time to connect with yourself and get to the bottom of your issues - IF that is what you want. Is it wrong to assume that?

[GlindaofOz]

I think you are absolutely correct. A month used wisely can allow someone to have wonderful break throughs. If someone wants to change badly enough a month is plenty of time to initiate that change and really see some results.

It may even be that you see that you are progressing in your life and hitting your therapy goals and trying to get yourself on the right path in your life and if your boyfriend doesn't start doing the same it may feel as if he is trailing behind you. I hope I'm explaining this so it doesn't sound stupid. But you know if you start to feel that you are maturing faster then someone - mentally, emotionally - whatever - it doesn't feel like the relationship is satisfying anymore. I had this experience with high school friends after I went to college. Some people had changed too much, gotten too mature too fast and our friendship just wasn't what either of us needed anymore. On the other hand were people who didn't change at all while I had and it just seemed impossible to maintain the friendship.

Does this make sense? I feel like a rambling idiot :)

[farfrmnormal]

No I get what you are talking about - its all about the direction you choose and I am choosing to better myself with these sessions. Whether he and I work out or not I know they are helping me become a better person.

I think he was always afraid of change and this is why he is having so much trouble with this - he has never accepted that HE had to change as well, until the other night. I do feel he has some growing up to do and maybe this is his chance (Although his growing up made him, him. I love him for that - and the things that were issues for me weren't serious enough for me to end things)

I have very few friends now because I feel like I don't connect with my old friends and the individuals I do run into who on the surface come across as being a good match for me (friends wise) turn out to be stuck in high school and can't carry on a conversation.

[GlindaofOz]

I'm glad I made sense.

Some people don't want to have to be self reflective. They don't want to stop and wonder could my actions be causing problems here as well? Its quite easy to toss blame upon another person and say you have issues while ignoring your own. Not necessarily saying that he did that but I've dealt with boyfriends like that myself. Where change is too much for them and it becomes so overwhelming.

You have the right attitude about the whole situation and you've set your boundaries.

I have the same problem when it comes to making new friends. Most people pull too much junior high stuff - I won't even give them high school level of drama. Its very frustrating. I know how you feel.

[farfrmnormal]

I have read a lot of posts on here and most cannot recognize that the relationship the way it is, is toxic. K and I on the other hand realize this and right now I think his actions are the ONLY way he knows how to handle things. At least we have accepted the problem, and are working on the issue - yes, we may be apart but I do believe he is doing what he can to sort his situation out. Most just walk away, turn their feelings off and expect everything to be all right (I did this with my last relationship - jumped into my most recent) - It catches up with you. If I had taken the time to reflect before I got into this one we may not be where we are today - But, I can't speculate nor can I change the past.

I talk the talk right now, just finding it hard to walk the walk.

[GlindaofOz]

Its easy to be blind in your relationship. Just looking at the posts on here and its amazing that someone can even write a full paragraph and still not be able to see the problem. Most of the time they answer their own questions in their question.

What its going to come down with between you and him is how much he actually works on changing. Anyone can say I'll change and I'll do x, y and z. But you have to see them actually making the strides or else its useless. Talk is easy its taking action that's hard.

Ultimately its going to work out how its supposed to. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason so maybe this break will be his catalyst for change.

[farfrmnormal]

I hope it is - He is still stuck on the fact that it took him coming to me and telling me that he wasn't happy for me to realize that things needed to change.

I keep trying to re-itterate - Its like a heart attack patient, they may have been told for years to change their lifestyle or you will die - and when do they actually make that change? AFTER the heart attack. Hind sight is 20/20 and if going back in time existed I am sure I would take advantage of it here - but it doesn't so I am left with sticking to my goals.

I suppose this month (unless he calls first) is for me to see if he actually wants to change things as well - I should look at things that way as well. Considering I am willing to bend over backwards to fix my issues, he should be willing to do the same if he truly wants us to be together.

[GlindaofOz]

Yes I agree completely. There is no equality in a relationship if both parties can't see their fault and if both parties cannot agree to mend their issues.

You are right. Most people won't address a problem until its brought to their attention or it becomes so painfully obvious that whatever you are doing is just not working. I wish more people would be open to recognizing the issues that they have and want to resolve them. Its hard when you want it more then other people do. I have a close female friend who is such a great person but she has absolute crummy self esteem and because of that she jumps into bed with everyone on a first date then laments that she is never in a relationship. I point out to her all the time that men don't start relationships with women who move that fast especially not guys in their late20's early 30's. Her comeback is always that it worked when she was 19 and was in a 5 year relationship. Which just goes to show you that this behavior hasn't worked for her in years but she's holding onto it because it worked once. Some people get programmed by the dumbest things.

[farfrmnormal]

Guys who are 19 are different then guys who are late 20's early 30's. Most men and I say men, want someone who is comfortable with who they are and what they want in life - K, knew that with me - I knew what I wanted and often was pig headed enough to not consider his feelings towards things. But there comes a time when people need to pull back and take a look at the bigger picture - I have to work with him, not against him. When you come off as being promiscuous to an adult male, its not attractive and not a quality most men look for - simply being a women who hops around must have some self esteem issues and is looking for something/someone to help her.

This wasn't the case with K and I. I was too set in my ways at the time.

You know, I look at some of the things that I used to do when we were together and they don't appeal to me anymore (They were toxic to the relationship). Not to say that I have not taken up new habits, but... I used to obsess over this car forum which I was the admin for - now I have no desire to visit the site. I used to sit in front of my computer from the time I got home until the time I went to bed, often on Facebook, since the break up my computer has not been turned on. All these things that kept me in my "rut" are gone, and not even an interest. The internet is my savior at work, simply because I can vent all of my frustrations and talk about how I am feeling at that point in time - but only when am I am at work am I on the internet.

[GlindaofOz]

It sounds as if your focus has changed for the better. When we see that the things we are doing are bad or are toxic to those around us they began to become unappealing. You should feel good that you have been able to recognize those things. Its often very hard to do.

I'm glad you've found your way out of your rut. That can be pretty difficult for some people. It sounds as if you have taken up more healthy things and I'm sure things will be even better once your season starts. More to put your mind on instead of all of this.