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slapshot_oi · Apr 7, 2009, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

Well I made the decision to leave the marriage. However I find myself quite scared and nervous to be out on my own. Last night I realized that it's over and I felt this really odd feeling in my heart that made me want to stay [what is that?]

Is this a normal feeling- I want to stick to my guns, how do I get over it? I've left him before but I came back. We have a two year old together so NC wouldn't be a great thing to do.
MRS.S

Yeah it's normal, it takes a lot time to adjust to being on your own after having been with someone for four years.

The only way to get over it is NC, however feasible in your situation.

Justwantfair · Apr 7, 2009, 08:24 AM

I think it would be scarier if you weren't scared, you are headed to new territory, but when the old territory is toxic, you HAVE TO make the move.

Make sure that all contact is limited to the child, abusers use children as a way to continue their control over their partner.

It is always a good suggestion to seek out counseling and support groups, you are going to need a new support network to help aleviate your desire to return to the toxic land because in the beginning you will remember the territory as lush and green, you will forget how everything was dying and spoiled.

mudweiser · Apr 7, 2009, 08:42 AM

I know I would be getting support from a few friends- as for my family [minus two sisters]--well we're not close so that's out of the question.

I love my hometown, the only thing I don't really like about is the fact that my mother is still there. She and I don't get along very well- and I know she'd be adding stress once I move back there.

P.S I'm feeling this crazy feeling.. jealousy. Jealous that he's going to be going to strip clubs, maybe go talk to his ex again, jump into another relationship- ick! Hope it's not just crazy talk and it's okay to feel this too..

Thanks for the support guys.

MRS.S

starlite1 · Apr 7, 2009, 08:58 AM

Do you have to move back to your mom's or can you get a place on your own?

As far as him going out to strip clubs or talking to other women, let him. Realize that whoever he meets, chances are he will put them through the same hell he put you through. That is the kind of person he is. You yourself will meet someone so much better. Try not to focus on what he is doing or what he may or may not do. Just know you are doing the right thing for you and your child.

mudweiser · Apr 7, 2009, 09:14 AM

Originally Posted by starlite1

Do you have to move back to your mom's or can you get a place on your own?

I am going to be saving up my money for an apartment- right now I have to pay for bills. My goal is to be able to move by the end of next month.

As far as him going out to strip clubs or talking to other women, let him. Realize that whoever he meets, chances are he will put them through the same hell he put you through. That is the kind of person he is. You yourself will meet someone so much better. Try not to focus on what he is doing or what he may or may not do. Just know you are doing the right thing for you and your child.

It's just this weird feeling that tugs at my heart- I really don't like it. I've never felt this way before- it's so odd and I really would like to terminate it.

MRS.S

Jake2008 · Apr 7, 2009, 09:19 AM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

What I was trying to say was he does whatever I do back. He doesn't start it- I realize we are both physical abusers.

Please don't think i'm trying to ignore your advice- I'm taking everyone's advice to heart whether I agree with it or not.

I believe the truth is being told even if I can't see it [since i've been "brain f***].

MRS.S

But he does start it Mrs. S. Regardless of who starts the actual argument, he is like the conductor of an orchestra. He commands a little bit of strings here (you've done me wrong again), with a little sax (increasing the dour mood with anticipation), then he gets the percussion to accent the sad music with some loud bangs on the drums, followed by more instruments as he increases the tempo and the intensity. Then, before you know it the entire 200 member orchestra is belting out Halleluja!! with the same decibels as a jumbo jet taking off.

He is typical of an abuser in that regard. He is angry, and needs a target. He cannot take his orchestra to work, or over to his best friends house where his friends are watching the game, or to the barber's to get a haircut. They may see the orchestra in the back of his truck, but they are silent.

He has to play the music, and he insists that you dance to it. He knows how you are going to react after the strings start, and he knows that by the time he finishes with a big crescendo at the end, you want to kill the conductor because the music has made you crazy. It's too loud, it's too confusing, it's too intense, and you don't like the mood it has created. Yet you cannot stop it, because you are no longer in a calm place, you are reacting with emotion and fear in the worst possible way.

Which gives him licence to 'hit back', although he's been hitting for the last hour, just in a different way; he's hitting you emotionally.

He is going to play the music until you decide not to dance to it anymore.

starlite1 · Apr 7, 2009, 09:25 AM

I know that feeling. It's because you have been with someone so long and you have every intension of spending your life with them, and then it ends. You are used to being with that person, and now a big change is happening. It is scary as hell, and I can guarantee that is what you are feeling. It is going to take you time to readjust, but once you get your own place, especially when you begin to decorate it with your things the way you want, you are going to feel a wonderful sense of independence (trust me I was there too). You will start to see (maybe without even realizing it) that your life is getting back on track, and that light at the end of the tunnel is so much brighter.

Jake2008 · Apr 7, 2009, 09:43 AM

I see two things here.

One is the love you have for him. A very deep emotional bond that may never leave you, even after you leave him. Love is one of those things that blind us to what is underneath the love. Sometimes the worse the behaviour is of the one you love, the more you try to love him, by justifying the behaviour, accepting the fault, etc. anything to keep loving him. You believe he loves you, and he may very well love you, and despite his behaviour, you accept the love you have for him to justify his abusiveness, over and over.

The second thing is to separate the love from the reality. The reality, as you are beginning to see now, is that when you observe and reflect on just the behaviour, without the emotion of love, you are seeing who this person really is. Look at it as an outsider, or look at the behaviour critically, as though you were offering an opinion on it to your best friends concerns over her husband.

It isn't hard to imagine a happy life without abuse. It is a far better place to be secure and loved for all the right reasons, and to love a person back, once you can separate the love from the situation and tuck it away in a safe place.

You may love him still after he pinches, punches, pushes and humiliates you, but, love aside, can you really live with the person?

My opinion is that a grieving process takes place after any emotional loss. Once you have decided to move on, it takes time and reflection to work through what naturally occurs when your ties no longer exist with him. Being sad and confused, hurt and angry, are all to be expected, and like any loss, those feelings eventually leave and you move on.

The key is to remember that you may very well love him in some part of your heart, for all of your life, and that's okay. But, never lose sight of your goal, and when you start to second guess yourself, take a step back and replay the reasons you must let go. It gets easier with time.

You have to go through it, not only to free yourself, but to not repeat the same pattern over with another man in the future.

mudweiser · Apr 7, 2009, 09:46 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Look at it as an outsider, or look at the behaviour critically, as though you were offering an opinion on it to your best friends concerns over her husband.

I often told myself, if I saw myself in a movie I'd be yelling "you big dummy, get out!".

The rest of your post, all rings true! Thanks for your opinion it'll be forever cherished [along with everyone else's ;)]

I know it'll be a long time till I can post a thank-you thread for everyone but thanks in advance. Sounds like I'm saying thanks a lot but it really does mean a lot to me- I don't know any other way to say it..

MRS.S

liz28 · Apr 7, 2009, 09:48 AM

Mudweiser, just keep your head up and always do what is right for you and your daughter.

And remember "what don't kill you only makes you stronger".

mudweiser · Apr 7, 2009, 09:51 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

And remember "what don't kill you only makes you stronger".

Or critically ill :p

MRS.S

lucytwo2 · Apr 7, 2009, 03:22 PM

Can you sit down to talk with him? If so,then ask him what he thinks about the marriage.I would just come out and say to him "Do you have to be right all the time?".Would he rather be right or be happy.Being right or wrong about things is just so trivial.I think its more important to be happy then to be right.

mudweiser · Apr 7, 2009, 03:50 PM

Originally Posted by lucytwo2

Can you sit down to talk with him? If so,then ask him what he thinks about the marriage.I would just come out and say to him "Do you have to be right all the time?".Would he rather be right or be happy.Being right or wrong about things is just so trivial.I think its more important to be happy then to be right.

Thanks for the response. I've done this numerous times and it hasn't helped.

::UPDATE::

I called it quits with my husband- He now knows for sure- loud and clear.

MRS.S

liz28 · Apr 7, 2009, 03:57 PM

Kudos for you! I wished you lived in NY so we could go out and paint the town red.

Keep your stance and don't in--no matter how hard he begs.

mudweiser · Apr 7, 2009, 04:28 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

Kudos for you! I wished you lived in NY so we could go out and paint the town red.

Keep your stance and don't in--no matter how hard he begs.

Thanks Liz- too bad I like 10 hour away!

MRS.S

Ren6 · Apr 7, 2009, 04:36 PM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

I am going to be saving up my money for an apartment- right now I have to pay for bills. My goal is to be able to move by the end of next month.

It's just this wierd feeling that tugs at my heart- I really don't like it. I've never felt this way before- it's so odd and I really would like to terminate it.

MRS.S

That feeling is normal... in time, it will dissipate.

liz28 · Apr 7, 2009, 04:41 PM

That was so sweet!

Just take it one day at a time. Each day your grow stronger and stronger. Remember behind every dark cloud there is a rainbow and your rainbow is going shine very bright once it appear.

I am rooting for you and your thread is going give another person strength to move on from a bad situation.

I be rooting for you.

mudweiser · Apr 8, 2009, 07:34 PM

Wow! I found this great article: I hope this gets stickied or something:

Victims of abuse hardly ever stay. They leave and then come back, over and over. Researchers call it the "rubber band" or "elastic" effect. There are often social and financial reasons and, in the case of severe battering, very real life threats by the criminal abuser: "If I can't have you, no one will." But fear, finances, and social pressures are not among the reasons most victims offer for why they return, and they certainly do not seem to be factors in this celebrated case.

Abuse victims leave and return because, unlike the parties of non-abusive relationships, they leave while they are still attached. As long as they are attached, they are subject to the survival-level force of emotional bonding.

The formation of strong emotional bonds gave early humans a distinct survival advantage over more numerous and powerful competition, such as big cats, dogs, and other hominids. The ability to form emotional bonds facilitated mutual protection and sustenance, which led to a psychological melding of survival with attachment. We not only attached to survive, we survived to attach.

Throughout most of human history, leaving emotionally-bonded relationships meant certain death by starvation or saber tooth tiger. Consequently, we developed powerful aversions to separation in the form of guilt, shame, and anxiety. Psychologically, these serve as distance-regulators in relationships, pushing us back when we stray too far and motivating more emotional investment when we lose interest or jeopardize a bond.

As distance-regulators, guilt, shame, and anxiety work unconsciously and irrationally. That is why someone you love can beat you to the point where you can barely crawl to the phone to dial 911, and you will feel guilty about it, as soon as your fear, anger, or resentment subsides.

Most victims pulled away by fear, anger, or resentment end up returning out of guilt, shame, and anxiety, when they see how lost their partners seem without them or, sometimes worse, how well they do without them.

If they reunite to relieve guilt, shame, and anxiety, rather than rekindle genuine compassion, trust, and love in both parties, attempts to reattach will fail. Fear, anger, or resentment will again begin to push the pendulum of pain to the opposite side of the arc, where they once again give way to the wall of guilt-shame-anxiety that swings victims back to abusers.

I have seen swings back and forth on the pendulum of pain extend up to 30 years, despite victims immersing themselves in psychotherapy and self-help books, all of which told them that it wasn't really love they experienced, but unresolved emotional hunger from childhood or some kind of addiction. "Experts" always lose them when they say it isn't love, because they know what they experience.

What they experience is love, along with fear, resentment, anger, guilt, shame, and anxiety, which relentlessly re-stimulate each other to keep them trapped in the pendulum of pain. What they do not experience is compassion from the abuser. (The abuser's guilt and shame focus on how bad he feels, which makes him pressure you to "get over it" so he can feel better. In contrast, compassion focuses on helping you heal your hurt.) Neither do victims experience compassion for the abuser's self-destructiveness.

Abuse of Loved Ones is Self-destruction

If the abuser was to witness (or even imagine) someone else doing what they did to the, he would feel anger, loathing, and a powerful impulse to harm her assailant. Anger, aggression, and loathing are unconscious and automatic in most social animals as part of the instinct to protect attachment figures. When we harm loved ones, they turn onto the self, with only a thin veneer of ego as a buffer.

When we harm loved ones, the self-loathing (as an attachment figure) burrows through ego to create the downward spiral of abuse. (Who is more likely to abuse, the valued self or the devalued self?) Without learning compassion, the abuser will merely blame his/her self-destructiveness on the victim or childhood or stress or the economy or whatever, and thereby lose control of it.

Victims and abusers alike must understand that compassion is the healing emotion - no abuser will heal without developing it. The most compassionate thing a victim can do is insist that the abuser invoke his/her basic humanity. This is how we all regulate abusive impulses, which, if acted on, would make us feel less humane. If the abuser fails at basic humanity, the only compassionate thing to do is break the pendulum of pain and leave permanently, in the hope that the abuser can find healing elsewhere.

MRS.S

Jake2008 · Apr 8, 2009, 08:29 PM

Amen to that Mrs. S.

Excellent find.

Hope you are doing okay.

mudweiser · Apr 9, 2009, 08:56 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Amen to that Mrs. S.

Excellent find.

Hope you are doing okay.

I'm doing better, I feel like there's been a wieght lifted off me. I don't know if it's a temporary high but I'm feeling good. Thanks to everyone, for the stern but gentle bump.

Sarah [I don't want to be MRS. anymore ;)]