[A4Effort]

Tal is right, it does seem a pattern. What I am wondering is, why do you want to start a new relationship so fast?.

Well I was not even looking for a relationship when I met this new girl. It just happened. I didn't try anything to make it turn out like it did. It just progressed on it's own. After I broke things off with the last girl I vowed to myself to stay single until next school year unless something happened on it's own. This is one of those situations. It went from a little note that asked if I could drive her to the store to where we are now. I do want to continue exploring this. I did not look for this because I was lonely.

[UnluckyDucky]

A4Effort,

You're absolutely right. Things just do sometimes happen. You'll be going along in life and something unexpected and fun comes along. This new girl seems to be a nice distraction but 6-7 hours even once a week seems a bit much. While I'm sure you're taking things slow and enjoying the time you spend with this new girl, I recommend sticking with the routines you were doing before you met this girl and dial back on the attention you're giving her a bit. As everyone is pointing out you still have some baggage leftover that needs to be taken care of before you can give an honest effort to a new relationship.

Refocus your efforts and concentrate on yourself - in my experience the best relationships develop not only from a good solid friendship but also both your and your partner's emotional availability and you're admittedly not quite there yet.

[A4Effort]

Yes, what you have said does make a lot of sense. I will continue focusing on myself and reduce the time I spend with her. Do you think I should continue seeing her or just reduce the time I spend with her?

[UnluckyDucky]

If you enjoy her company, there's no reason not to continue seeing her in a friend capacity. Just tone down the frequency a bit, leave the relationship possibility out of the picture for now, and continue what you were doing before you met her - what were you doing with your time before you started talking to her for hours? Concentrate on keeping busy with your life there will be plenty of time for a potential relationship in the future.

If you continue to follow NC with your ex, focus on investing this time in yourself, and most importantly learn how to be happy by yourself, I guarantee there will be a day where you will be emotionally free and ready for a relationship again if you follow these steps. As a nice little side effect, you'll even be a better catch too!

I believe in you bud. :)

[talaniman]

You suffer from high expectations, and can be frustrated when they are not met. I think you make a conscious effort at friends, and actively explore other friendships. Friends don't go kissing on each other, and does send a bad signal to your friend.

Do you think I should continue seeing her or just reduce the time I spend with her?

Do other things besides be with her as without balance you will find yourself overly attached very quickly... AGAIN!

[A4Effort]

Just tone down the frequency a bit, leave the relationship possibility out of the picture for now, and continue what you were doing before you met her - what were you doing with your time before you started talking to her for hours?

Thank you Ducky. Your answers are very much appreciated.

To answer your question:
I still do all the same things that I did before I met her. I still work my 3 jobs, attend school, practice martial arts, work in a psychology lab, work for the University news paper, hang out with friends, etc... I think I am getting a bit tired of investing all my time into my work. I usually have to pick work over relationships or friendships but that is purely my choice. I tend to take on quite a bit of work and I really enjoy it because it makes me feel fulfilled. But just as you said, I do need to balance her and the rest out. I do need to tone it down a bit more. When I find someone who I think I could be involved with I tend to spend a lot of time and energy into exploring it.

The fact that this just happened the way it did makes me so intrigued. I really think it is cute the way we met and I really enjoy how we both seem to be on the same level in every way. To be really honest though, I do not know if I can just remain friends with her. I know I can try to take things slow and I really want to take this path. But I just don't know how long I need to wait. I read some people take a very long time and some get over it fast. In my own mind I know where I am but sometimes I cannot trust myself in this judgement because as many of you have pointed out before things can look different. Also, I also feel that I just need to take a plunge and just go for it. I have made mistakes but I believe that those mistakes were very valuable. They have taught me much about myself and relationships.

So should I just take a risk, knowing what the outcome could be?

[A4Effort]

You suffer from high expectations, and can be frustrated when they are not met. I think you make a conscious effort at friends, and actively explore other friendships. Friends don't go kissing on each other, and does send a bad signal to your friend.

Do other things besides be with her as without balance you will find yourself overly attached very quickly.........AGAIN!

Yes Tal, I agree. I do have high expectations for others as I do for myself. Especially people who are close to me. I do not externalize these expecations but I always think about them in my head. But I feel that this is another issue that could be discussed on its own.

I will find my balance so that I do not become overly attached. That is one thing I learned from the last girl. I've been on vacation lately so during the nights I really do not have much to do so her and I tend to talk until the morning hours. But I feel once school starts things will go back to its usual routine. The only thing that worries me is that her and I live on the same floor and will be very close to each other which could cause some problems.

[UnluckyDucky]

So should I just take a risk, knowing what the outcome could be?

Good things come to those who wait - it applies here too even though we're not talking about ketchup! Its apparent that you're quite fond of this girl and you two, at least from what you've said so far, click pretty well. I understand the desire to explore the possibilities, but what's the rush? Are you trying to fill a void in your life with this girl? How do you honestly feel about your ex? Do you think you're being fair to this girl pursuing a possible relationship if you're not completely over your ext? Think about these questions and be honest with yourself.

I'm not going to tell you what to do either way, that's ultimately your decision and you'll have to live with it. What I can tell you though is that you should consider the possible outcomes thoroughly. Harvesting your veggies that you worked hard to grow too early will net you smaller, less tasty veggies. Let them ripen though, and you'll find yourself with the yummiest, tastiest veggies in the world! It's all about if you're willing to sacrifice a possible long term relationship with instant gratification or not. If you can be patient and bide your time, the rewards will be worth it - it will also help you see clearer what kind of person she really is and allow you to offer the best of yourself if you choose to.

The choice is yours.

[Llisa]

Hi, this is my first time writing on your thread. After reading your posts I would advise a slow approach. If she is as into you as you are into her than she'll understand about taking more time. She would probably appreaciate it because it would show how much you value your relationship.

"I also feel that I just need to take a plunge and just go for it." I understand feeling like this. The beginning of a relationship is very exciting, you have all those lovely dramatic feelings. But why not extend out this period instead of rushing it. Since you seem to take relationships pretty seriously. And since you invest a lot (time, effort etc) into them. It could be smart to take the time to see what you are investing in before plunging in.

Getting to know each other is important for laying out the foundations of any relationship. Don't rush it.

[emopunk7]

Hey A4Effort, you are a smart guy. I say we live once and if you really like this girl then do your thing. Just hang out like once a week for now and have good times. Try not doing too much. I did a lot very fast and we were done within a year. I am very hyper and I love to stay busy and do things a lot. I know you are active in life as well. You will be fine. Don't over analyze things too much and I say go for it but take your time. Balance every night with good music how great life is. Think of your goals and bettering yourself because after all a lucky girl will you some day. Put some good music on and just focus on your life and love what you have and think of what can improve and do it the next day. We are both young. Think of this. The more you better yourself and solve your issues now the better you will be by 28... Then think that there is a girl also doing the same out there. That sounds like a great relationship. I say overall have fun and leave the drama. One life to live. Have a blast and don't think too much. Enjoy your youth!

[A4Effort]

Thank you Ducky. Your posts are very insightful and really do help with my thought process.

I understand the desire to explore the possibilities, but what's the rush?

There should not be any rushing at all. I do need to take things slow and continue with my life. Meeting her should only be an addition/bonus to my life, not the center of attention.

Are you trying to fill a void in your life with this girl?

I do not think so. I am genuinely interested in getting to know this woman. With the last girl, I filled a void with using her. I was scared to be alone and needed someone by my side. The second we started dating I knew that she was not for me and that I took things too fast. With this girl its different because I have learned from the last one what not to think/act. The new girl and I are in the same boat. Her ex of 4 years broke up with her during the summer and mine broke up with me at the beginning of the school year. We both agreed on taking things slow and just see where this goes. We have not committed to anything and both have told each other what we need (space, etc.. ).

How do you honestly feel about your ex?

To be completely honest I feel that I am over her. I do not love her anymore, I do not miss her, and I am completely fine without her. I do have some anger at times at her because of what she did to me twice. But as we have previously discussed I am mad at myself for letting her back into my life. I appreciate the good times her and I had but I also can see the negatives as well.

Do you think you're being fair to this girl pursuing a possible relationship if you're not completely over your ex?

No, I do not think it is fair to pursue a relationship with this girl. But, I do think continuing getting to know her is fair. She knows where I am in my process and I know where she is in hers.



I do not want my second semester to mirror the first semester. I do not need the emotional stress. That is why I think I will pick the middle route. Thank you for all the opinions. I will continue getting to know her. I will continue to live my life and not let this new girl be the center of attention. Just as someone said, if she likes me as much as I like her then she will wait for me.

Does anyone else have any input?
Do you think this is a safe path to take?

[amicon]

Hmm-on condition you stick to the slow building of a possible friendship and think before you act.
And make sure that the two of you are on the same page in the same book.
Otherwise you may well end up with a rerun of last semester's mess.

[UnluckyDucky]

Glad I could help :)

I agree with amicon here, as long as you've taken the time to think about the situation and not rush into things, which to me at least it appears that you have, I think you'll be fine. If I was in your position, I would focus on my schoolwork and make it pretty much my number one priority. Nothing sucks more than trying to get ready for a final and all you can muster is the will to not cry after getting dumped or losing someone.

Emotions, especially those involved with feeling like you're falling for someone, are extremely powerful and often overpower our logic. I recommend that you keep this in the back of your head stay focused. Otherwise, enjoy the time you do spend with this girl and good luck... remember, it's the quality and not the quantity that counts!

[A4Effort]

So, I took everyone's advice. I focused on my things and didn't talk to her much at all for the last week and a half. She sent a text here and there and that was about it. So tonight she sends me a text saying that she does not think it will work out. She says she wants to stay single, etc... blah blah blah...

I know what to do. Stay single... blah blah... work on myself... blah blah blah... etc...

I know that this too will go away and I will be fine but come on.

[A4Effort]

This pisses me off. Why can't I just move on like my first love did. She had a boyfriend within a week and she is still with him (I think). Here I am trying and every girl I meet something goes wrong. This one is not ready for a relationship. The other one was a psycho. Screw this.

[UnluckyDucky]

I know. I asked myself that same question over and over before. After my breakup I tried it all - I did the internet dating thing for awhile and I even went on blind dates through friends. I connected with some, others not so much, but in the end it was still all the same - I felt very empty. It was only then I realized I myself was solely responsible for my own happiness.

I feel your frustration bud, I really do. It seems like she moved on at the drop of a hat but in reality she's been pondering and thinking about it for quite some time - she's had the luxury of emotionally detaching herself from the situation. And now this other girl comes along and you get that bit of happiness and it turns out to be nothing after all. (Something very similar happened to me recently by the way.. met this girl but it just didn't work out.)

Feel free to keep coming here to vent though because I know it helps some. You know what to do.

[A4Effort]

I feel as if I need to continue doing this in order to learn what really love is. I know what I am about to say will sound pessimistic but I feel as if its true. When you first start getting involved in serious relationships you do not have a clue as to what love is. Then you experience your first true love and everything is grand. Then the break up comes and you experience the pain that so many have felt. From there your idea of love gets distorted. You think of love in a more logical and rational way. The doves fly away, the dreams turn to reality, cloud 9 sinks to the earth, and the little guy with the love arrows flies away. As you start dating again and experiencing new relationships you experience love differently. No more love at first sight. Its more about having similarities. Love becomes defined by concrete ideals such looks, finance, commonalities, etc... You try to see if you are "compatible." Love becomes the composition of many little commonalities. The more you date, the more you get hurt, the more you think logical. So why bother? I know I can make myself happy. I know I can be single and be OK with it. Why do we continue to love? We can be around with friends to share our feelings, we can go to a movie to make ourselves laugh, we create art to express ourselves, and we can read books to gain knowledge.

I miss the days where "true love" roamed through my head. I miss being ignorant when it came to knowing what love meant. I can tell that I have not grown up yet. I can tell that I have much to learn. I can even tell myself that everything will be all right. But it still sucks. It is still frustrating when you put yourself out there. When you finally hear your heart beating louder because you get excited every time you hear her voice.

[Yosomoton213]

Do you think you might be trying too hard to find love? Just a question to guide your thought process.

[Yosomoton213]

I think this goes along with the loss of innocence is that people's ideas on love change. It's not innocence in the sense of purity, but more on the innocence of ignorance. The first love, you usually have no idea what you're doing. Some get lucky and get it right the first time, but others have to continue on the "go around". Each time, you lose a bit of that innocence as ignorance, get a closer idea on what true love really is.

But what I suggest to you is to not fret so much about it, and just go out and have fun. Don't search for it, for it may never come that way.

[Yosomoton213]

And also, you shouldn't compare your experience to your ex's. First of all, you have no idea how good/bad their relationship is. She could just be wasting time, looking for something better to come along, or she could be cheating on him... one never knows. Secondly... it's unhealthy and means you're still holding on...

Who cares what other people are doing. Some people can get over an ex, and take the appropriate steps that come with that more quickly than others. Instead of comparing out, look within, and find what is true for you. Stick to that. If you're not ready, you're not ready. I know that I'm fairly certain that I do not want a relationship for awhile. I'm content with being alone in solitude, I've got great friends, and I'm not going to settle into another relationship if it's not going to do me any good. I think you need to think introspectively on this for awhile, and then just go out and have fun. Start living your life.