[artlady]

You seem to be paralyzed by fear.Afraid to make a move.
Any move on the off chance that it will be the wrong one.
That is no way to live.
Take life by the horns ,know that you are going to make mistakes,we all do! The worst mistake you can make is not living because you are in the grips of this fear of never wanting to appear wrong.
Find out where that fear is coming from,address it and be done with it!
Take control of your life and then you will have one!

[vanheart]

Emo,

You have 2 choices.

To wallow, wonder & not listen. Letting everyone else make your decisions for you, then boo hoo.

Or, Get up. Dust yourself off. And man up. Take a look.

[vanheart]

All of those trust, jealousy and insecurity issues are all inside of you.

Tap into that sh**t. You may be surprised that it will not only help you get over this one, but put you on a better path in your relationships.

Not just romantic ones, but everyone who choose to have.

I know you want some kind of quick fix, but... hello.

[bswc]

I'm doing fine emo, just got back to my hometown for holidays. Might meet up my ex since I will have my "beach fire'' going on. Emo, are u doing fine, seriously?

[bjohnrupp]

Whoa--are you kidding me?

She was supposed to get rid of them right away---why, again? Because YOU are jealous?

That is, quite frankly, idiotic. I've been with my husband for 13 years, and the SECOND he told me I had to stop flirting, couldn't have guy friends, and had to only hang out with him in clubs, that would be IT. Kaput.

NO ONE controls me like that. I choose my OWN friends. I choose who I talk to, even if it IS guys that want to get into my pants. I can handle them WITHOUT getting rid of them, believe it or not--and yes, it still does happen occasionally.

The problem isn't that you guys need to figure out whether it's some "little thing" or a "big thing" or whatever--you guys need to figure out why you can't trust your girl to stick by you EVEN WHEN other guys are flirting with her.

If you can't be proud of the fact that your girlfriend is sexy enough to attract other men instead of angry/jealous/afraid when it happens, then you don't deserve her anyway, because the problem is YOU.

Ok I see your point and you do make some valid points. However there is a thing called respect and when a girl is purposely DISRESPECTING her man and trying to push his buttons on purpose that's crossing the line.

You and your husband or OK with certain flirting/talking to others. I was also OK with a lot of stuff that was going on. But NOBODY wants to be played OR lied to. :rolleyes:

[Romefalls19]

I'm lost as to the whole respect issue? So if a guy says "hi" to a girl at a bar, the girl should immediately say "I have a boyfriend/husband and I'm not interested" That's ridiculous, I have conversations with women at the bar, if I feel they are getting into me, I will tell them I'm not interested but a good conversation is allowed. Never will I, or should I have to walk around telling every member of the opposite sex that I am taken. People need to get their heads out of their arses if they think they can control or should have control of who someone talks to.

[talaniman]

I'm with you Rome, never have I understood the logic of getting so carried away I had to tell my partner how to act, or whom to talk to. That's just crazy. Yet another example of people who can't control themselves and their jealousy and insecurities.

[smoothy]

So... you don't trust her... big freaking deal. Leave her and stop whining about it. All this time and no trust? Get counseling for yourself. You need it if you like being miserable, and stay with someone you claim is so awful for so long.

You aren't entitled to sexy pictures even if she said she would give you some. Its HER body and HER right to take them or not. Count your blessings IF you get any and stop whining if you don't.

[Synnen]

True.

But you say something after the first lie. You then state the consequences of the NEXT lie. You then follow through with the THIRD lie.

If you stay and stay and stay and put up with it AFTER you've said you won't, well--that's on YOU, not on HER. You CHOOSE to stay when you know you can't trust her at that point.

How is talking to someone else disrespecting your man?

The thing is this: each couple defines their own boundaries. If you can't agree on where the boundaries are, then you're NEVER going to be happy together. Realize that the first time (or maybe the second time) that something happens, and clarify the boundaries you are comfortable with, then end the relationship when boundaries are crossed again.

No, it's not that simple. But the problem is that you're not THINKING about it--you're FEELING about it. So you care for the girl and she cares for you--DUH! You wouldn't be in a relationship with someone you didn't care about.

But when you TRULY love someone, you love them as they ARE, not the way you wish they'd be. If you're unhappy with someone more often than you're happy with them, it's not the right relationship for either of you.

And if your personalities don't match (she likes to flirt, you can't stand it, for example), then FIND SOMEONE ELSE whose personality and values are closer to your own.

THIS is the problem with dating exclusively after only a month (or a day! ). You don't know the person well enough to KNOW that you should be exclusiev with that person. This is ALSO the problem with having sex too early in a relationship--again, it clouds things, and makes it so that you've now invested 10 MONTHS on a person instead of 10 WEEKS before you realize that you're not really that compatible.

So... don't date women you can't trust--and you can't trust someone who lies to you, so don't date them. Tell them good-bye.

But if you can't trust that your woman is just talking/flirting harmlessly with other men, then why are you in that deep with her? Why are you in an exclusive relationship with someone who you don't trust?

That sounds like a personal issue, there. I trust people until they prove to me that I can't trust them. I met my husband at a party, and spent the next several months running into him at clubs and group outings. We had our first date SIX MONTHS after I met him. It wasn't until we got to know each other OUTSIDE of the clubs, but still doing things OUTSIDE of the bedroom, that we realized we had a lot in common--especially our goals and values.

You want to know how to trust your girl, and make sure you're not being played? Two ways!

1. Stay out of her pants until you KNOW you can trust her. If you have any doubt, then having sex is just going to make things worse.

2. Don't date exclusively until you know her well enough that you know her values and yours match, and that you have the same ideas on relationship boundaries.

The other thing I should mention here is that if you want a GOOD girl to date, and not a wicked sexy one--then go to church and meet her there. Any girl you meet in a bar or club is GOING to be a bit naughty--and if you don't like that fact, then go meet your girls somewhere else.

[emopunk7]

I really loved everybody's advice. Unfortunately, I was sad to read Alty's post as it was a bit harsh without reading my entire progress. I do listen and in fact it is all I do. I don't want to be harsh back as that is something I am also working on. You should know though that I have kept no contact for 3 months just after 4 days of the break up and am still going. I think that should be praised and not frowned upon. Enough with that. I don't want to be too sensitive about that. Nonetheless, thank you for your reply.
Anyway, for those saying negative things, how about looking at my positive and mentioning them as well and give me some encouragement. Its what I'm here for anyway. Not for harsh replies that aren't even necessary at this point. I'm moving on fairly well but of course I may still have a down moment. Its been 3 months and I've been sooo happy this week as I was on vacation! Will give details later. I am up to the point where I searched myself and admitted that I have done so well in my relationship but that I can work on my jealousy and trust. And for your information Alty, I was not needy. In fact she wanted me all the time and I sometimes didn't want to. Like sometimes I needed to spend time with my bro or cousins. Sometimes I just wanted to relax. Sure sometimes I really missed her but I doubt that is needy. We should be careful how we judge things especially without questioning first. I am now working on specific areas of my life just after 3 months. Yes I will have questions and everyone does a great job responding and after many many posts by many here, they still stay and support me with no complaints and I appreciate it and doing my very best to show I am listening. Yet after 2 responses you nearly give up? From what I am learning, someone like you, is one I'd consider a red flag. Lol Just based on what I am learning. Maybe read it all but I don't expect that. I just want you to know where I am coming from and I still think you are very cool Alty. I am glad everyone has helped and is helping

[ashh123]

Wow she is kind of a person to not trust b ut if she is a person to trust what was her reasoning behind having to sneak do you not let her hang with her friends? Or do you get mad when you party or do you not like to go out to party ?and I know it hurts to be lied to but if this is the first offense for her leave it alone maybe she was stressed

[amicon]

Its good you're working on yourself Emo and you have my support. I hope you had a nice Christmas Day!

[smoothy]

emopunk7 agrees: I doubt I need to see a therapist or a psych. I simply have loved and lost and am working on myself. Its just not easy. How about some support. Its all I need. I'm strong enough.


Well, its rarely easy to make the decision to walk away from a relationship. And its harder to do the longer you are in it.

Not sure what you mean by "support", but what you certainly don't need is anyone reinforcing your desire to stay with her in the misguided hope that "she will see the light" and change overnight. It never happens without them going through a major life trauma. Our time on this earth is short and its stupid to waste it on someone that's NOT what you are looking for or REALLY want such as this case. 24 years may seem like forever to you and the rest of your life may seem like an unimaginable period... but trust me its not. I can remember 25 years ago like it was yesterday... seriously, I'm not exaggerating. The older you get the faster it seems to go by too.

Some decisions are never easy to make... but you do have to make them and the sooner you get them behind you the sooner you can move on with life. Our time on this earth never gets longer... its always getting shorter, and why waste precious time on a loser when you can spend it with a winner.

[emopunk7]

Well on Tuesday I left to the P.A. (The Poconos) until Sunday! It was such a great time. It was cold and there was snow everywhere. I went into the hot tub that was located outside the house we rented. I spent time with family. We made a bon fire and hung out and ate fire marshmellows! I went snowboarding for the first time and fell over a hundred times. I played tackle football with my brother and cousins and sprained my ankle when my brother tackled me. I'm recovering pretty fast though. I also went to a gun range and shot a Desert Eagle and a Sniper Rifle! Powerful guns! I'm a doorman and during christmas you get tipped. So far I've made $2,700! Today I should have more waiting for me. There are about 140 tenants in the building I work in. I've only received about 55 cards... so I should have a lot more coming! I will now buy my glass door and lights and curtains! I'm feeling so good! Happy Holidays!

[Alty]

I was sad to read Alty's post as it was a bit harsh without reading my entire progress. I do listen and in fact it is all I do. I don't want to be harsh back as that is something I am also working on. You should know though that I have kept no contact for 3 months just after 4 days of the break up and am still going. I think that should be praised and not frowned upon. Enough with that. I don't want to be too sensitive about that. Nonetheless, thank you for your reply.

Emo, I'm only harsh when I have to be. It's not meant to make you feel bad, just to make you open your eyes. It's like slapping a hysterical person in the face, not nice, but it works.

I have only your best interest in mind. Everyone else has been very nice, understanding, caring, and here we are on the 64th page and you still have the same issues you had on page 1. Obviously the progress you claim to have made isn't drastic, otherwise you wouldn't need this thread anymore.

You keep going around in circles. Trust me, I read enough of the thread to know that.

You keep trying to blame her. What you don't understand is that it takes two people to make a relationship work, and two to make it fail. Until you stop pointing fingers, you won't stop going around in circles.

So, I decided to try the slap in the face. I'm hoping it worked. Only time will tell.

[amicon]

Yipee! Can I borrow a twenty?
Only joking-enjoy your windfall.
Good to know you're happy.

[emopunk7]

Hey Alty. Thanks for the smack. I am past the blaming. In fact I'm up to the part of reflecting where I should have noticed things and I'm working on myself and how to deal with things better.

[emopunk7]

The Red room is before... And the Gray is After... The other is just me trying to get the six pack for the last 2 months. Sorry I took so long to post pics and sorry if it offends anyone. Yours truly, Emopunk7!

[Enigma1999]

Very nice picture Emo... ;)

[friend4u178]

Hey cool pics Emo :)

Definitely think the room looks better afterwards