[amicon]

Funny,isn't it,how the story changes?

Stop clutching at straws.

NC.

[blueiris982551]

Yes, it's OK to have friends of the opposite sex as long as you are open and honest with your partner. Once you start sneaking around and withholding info it becomes inappropriate and unacceptable. It's a gray area but I think if you can confidently say that your husband/wife would be comfortable with your convos and interactions then yes you can claim innocent friendship.

Seriously, if the love of my life told me that a relationship of mine caused him grief I would end it in a heartbeat. If it was a relative or girlfriend I would push back. In other words it has to be within reason but I think in this scenario you are entirely justified.

May I also add that I believe there is more than one person out there for us. You are only 34. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don't just settle because you fear not meeting someone that you're as compatible with. It will totally happen especially if you believe it will.

What are you going to say and do?

[BetrayedPA]

Don't know. In all honesty, she'll never admit it, but I am positive they had an affair. Likely around the time we broke up. I always suspected another man and it now kind of fits in place. I'm guessing the full fleged affair stopped when we got back together or shortly thereafter. Although they still talked frequently. Currently, he likely still has feelings for her, hence the message. But I don't think they've been together recently. She's not going to quit her job, it's the best she's ever had. And, she's not going to stop talking to him.

It's a tough decision. Do I want to be with someone who likely had an affair with a married man in the past that she still works with and lied to me? Could be a recipe for certain disaster. And, how will I ever trust her going to a work function?

[talaniman]

You don't have to if you get a life without her and leave the emotional BS alone.

[amicon]

I'm just going to suggest you read through the advice you've been given and l e t it sink in.

Then make your mind up-what is real and what isn't.

[mystific]

It's a tough decision. Do I want to be with someone who likely had an affair with a married man in the past that she still works with and lied to me? Could be a recipe for certain disaster. And, how will I ever trust her going to a work function?

Really? She must be feeling very smug. Oh don't get me wrong she'll do the woah's me BS and I'm sorry.. I didn't want to hurt you.. I love you... blah blah freakin blah

You.. will fold faster than paper through a shredder. You're an idiot if you do. You don't want to be lied to. You don't like being used. You don't like being taken for a fool.. but really.. if you go back you will be. And you will have to get used to putting up with playing second fiddle.

Your life. You have a choice. Start a new life on a new path or go down the same uneven, unstable on already battered out.

Guess we'll see you back here in 4 months when she does it again or receives another 'drunken' call at early hours.

[Sariss]

Just leave her. You are going to get hurt even more than you are now if you take her back.

[BetrayedPA]

One of the benefits of her giving me her password is that I had access to all her call logs from the last year.

This I can say with relative certainty. There is a high likelihood she was not cheating with her boss in the past six months. Unless, they didn't call or text each other to meet up. 90% of her calls and texts to him were during times when I know she was at home alone before or after she was talking to me. Or, was with me. Now this may seem strange, but I am fairly confident that logistically they couldn't have been together; unless he would come over once every two to three weeks and spend less than 40 minutes with her.

Regardless, I am almost positive at one point they had an affair. This could have been when we broke up 2 years ago. I am not dumb enough to believe that people who are "just friends" (one of whom is married); leave messages for each other saying they "miss them".

Her call records also indicate that when she got really drunk back in December she called and texted her x-boyfriend, some other guy she met when we broken up and her boss. I recall this particular evening because we got in a fight because she told me she was going to hang out at a bar where I knew her x would be. She called me multiple times at 2am; I didn't answer. She then called her x at 2am, her boss and this guy. She then called me and left me a nonsensical message. Then there was a text message from her to him at 5am. She called me the next morning apologizing, saying she was wrong for even going, and we made up. Her call records indicate that she has not called or texted her x or the other guy since.

All that being said, I am not stupid. And, I realize her behavior shows a pattern. Which, in all honesty, there is a VERY good chance she will only repeat if I give it another chance. I also realize that getting back together with her would only likely result in something similar happening down the road. On the other hand, at what point does a person deserve a second/third chance? I myself have not been perfect in the relationship. We've had our ups and downs. And, during the downs, I've definitely done things that could be considered inappropriate. So who am I to hold her to a perfect standard? On the other hand, I've never had an affair with a married man I still work with. I haven't ever had any sort of affair with anyone while I was dating her. Of course it is difficult to let go after 5 years, but I guess the real question is; is it possible for someone to change?

[BetrayedPA]

Ot that it deserves clarification. But I'm not 100% positive what the message said, except for the "Princess, I miss you and keep my promise" parts. I'm pretty sure it said "sorry I couldn't see you tonight". But I could be wrong. I do know that, that particular day and before, they had a large group work function. So that explains the "spending time with you yesterday". And the "see you tonight". Not sure how that could be possible. Because that night, she called and texted me all night and before she went to bed. I guess though, if he "couldn't see her". That wouldn't make a difference. She explained that "the keep my promise part" was because he didn't help out with the event. And he "promised" to do the work for the next event the following week.

Like I said, the calls logs don't lie. I doubt that an affair is currently going on. It would just not be logistically possible. But there is NO doubt in my mind that something happened at some point. You just don't call someone "princess" and say "I miss you"; if there wasn't a romantic relationship.

I guess the question would be; if you knew your significant other had an affair with a married man at some point. But that it was likely over now. Would you give it a chance to reconcile?

[vanheart]

Read all the advice again. And then again, Then one more time.

She doesn't deserve any more chances.

If you take her back, you will only be in for more of the same.

Unhappiness.

Go NC & move on.

[talaniman]

Guy, you can go over this in your mind as much as you like and figure all the angles, possibilities, and option.

Fact remains the way you handled things has already poisoned the well, and either made them harder, or burned a bridge. Take your pick.

So back up, and give this some thought without her influence, because I doubt you will ever trust her again even if she walks the straight and narrow.

[Synnen]

Here's the thing:

The trust is gone between the two of you, and neither of you communicates well with the other.

Those two things alone would mean that your relationship is doomed to disaster.

Walk away now.

[Sariss]

Quit running in circles.
Even if there isn't an affair going on right now - she LIED to you about the message. Then turned it against you basically calling you a crazy stalker, when SHE was lying to YOU. Who does that?

[vanheart]

You got that right!!

[vanheart]

Here's the thing.

There were already trust issues. She knew that.

No one should have to go through phone records to find out if their mate is true.

It was her responsibility to nip this in the bud. But continued as if nothing was wrong.
UNTIL you called her on it. It could have gone on forever.

I work with lots of women, but sure as hell don't send lovey, dovey texts to them.

Im not saying what you did was right, but what she's doing is worse. Shows you exactly what her priorities are. Zero respect for you or your relationship. (let alone self-respect)

Women like that give women a bad name. She needs to grow up.

And you need to chalk this one up. And learn for the next time.

Just don't let mistrust ruin the next one just because of her...

[BetrayedPA]

She showed up at my house last night. Said she wanted to talk. Wanted to apologize and again admit she lied about the message. Said she lied because the message "sounded" bad. And she knew how she would react if she heard it. She said she was wrong as her initial instinct was to lie because she didn't know how to explain it. She said she was mad that I checked her voicemail and invaded her privacy, that is why she continued to deny it and her first reaction was to blame it on me instead of explaining.

She claimed again and to my face multiple times that she has NEVER had a sexual relationship or affair with her boss. Instead they are VERY close friends, who know all the details of each others lives and talk constantly at the office. That they may talk late at night and she admitted that it could likely be seen as inappropriate (at least on his end because he is married), but that SHE is just friends with him and has never been with him physically. She reiterated that she would never be with a married man.

She claimed that he was incoherently drunk when he left the message, and that the "I miss you" and "miss being with you" was because they spend all day together at the office. She also said that he never said "sorry I couldn't be with you tonight". I thought I heard something to this effect, but can't remember. He may have said "sorry, I couldn't be there today" (i.e. the work event). But again I swear he said "tonight".

She said she told him about this whole thing and he was so upset that it caused us to break up. He wanted to call to apologize and confirm that there is absolutely nothing going on. But she told him not to.

She also claimed that the one time she called him at 2:58am for seven minutes was when she was drunk and she left him a rambling voicemail. I remember this evening, she also left me a long drunk message. Other than that, there have been a few calls and messages (every other week) after work hours; sometimes around 10pm. She claimed that this was either them talking as friends but mostly related to work.

I confronted her multiple times and said there is no reason a married man would leave a message at 1am saying "I miss you" and "miss being with you". Unless, there was something going on. Or, had gone on. She adamantly denied it. Reasserting she would never be with a married man with two kids.

To prove her innocence she gave me her password to her AT&T account and gave me permission to check ANY of her call or texts records for anytime.

At this point, my instinct tells me she's still lying. It just doesn't add up. Married men don't leave messages like that, even when completely drunk, unless something happened. But, she is being transparent?

[Synnen]

It doesn't matter.

You don't trust her, and she compounded that with lying.

The ONLY way this relationship even has a CHANCE is if she cuts ALL contact with her boss outside of work, allows you access whenever you want to any message system she has, and a LOT of counseling.

In fact, I recommend you end the engagement, back off from dating seriously, and see if you can build the trust back up before being involved at a committed level with her at this time.

[talaniman]

I do not know what's what, but do know that she does not conform to what YOU think is the proper girlfriend, and she may never meet what standards that YOU have, and that's what makes this a useless endeavor.

This relationship is poison, and I do not see the point. If you do, please explain.

[vanheart]

The great thing now is that you no longer have to be paranoid or second guess, spend your days & nights in question. Living in the past.

She's not it. BetrayedPA. Period.

You've let her run things long enough. Was it worth it? Obviously not. Forget what you though was going to happen.

Go NC, now. Fully.

You're free, thank your lucky stars. The past behind.

Now you can use your gut.

[BetrayedPA]

Well, just wanted to provide you with an update. Over the past week, she has gone (somewhat) out of her way to make an effort to rectify things. She still claims that nothing sexual ever happened with her boss. That she always loved me and always wanted to marry me. And that those things have never changed.

I shouldn't have, but I've been seeing her again. In all honesty, it's kind of a limbo state. Her saying she wants us to be together. And, me staying with her because despite all that's happened and knowing she is probably an awful person, I still somehow cling to a false sense of hope that she means what she says and can be a good person.

She claims she talked to her boss and told him not to contact her anymore outside of work. And that she hasn't spoken to him outside of work since. She said she'll quit her job if that is what it takes; but ONLY if I financially support her until she finds a new job. I seriously doubt she's telling the truth about quitting her job.

She also claims she'd marry me right now; no wedding, etc. Just so that we were married. Because she knows she wants to marry me. On the other hand, I am now moving into the place who's lease we jointly signed and am solely responsible. She is staying where she is currently renting. But claims that she wants to move in with me. She, however, says that she will not move in until I ask her to marry me and give her a ring. A very expensive ring.

Since I last wrote, I've also had the time to do some investigating of my own into the phone records she gave me. I can again confirm that she was talking to her boss outside of work at inappropriate hours. In all honesty, it could have been innocent over the past few months. But right around the time we were breaking up and even after the time we got back together there were texts and phone calls late into the night. Some coming from him at 1am. Despite what she claims, I have NO DOUBT in my mind, based on the message and the call records, that something definitely happened. Maybe not recently. But definitely at some point.

In addition, her call records show that a few months after we got back together she was still talking to one guy who I know she "hooked up with". There is nothing good for the self esteme like seeing that she was texting this guy (at the same time as me) all hours of the night; at a time in our relationship when she was telling me she knew she only wanted to be with me again and she wanted us to be together forever. She has always claimed that they are just "good friends". Same as what she said about her boss. He has a girlfriend now. Which might explain why they stopped talking a few months ago.

Finally, I found out that she likely was considering submitting herself to be on the Bachelorette TV Show two days before I discovered the message from her boss and a week before we were planning on getting engaged and we were supposed to move in together. I can't confirm it, but I would say it's about 90% likely based on the timeline. Of course, I haven't brought it up, because all it will result in is denials. And maybe I'm just paranoid, but after all this; I'm guessing it's probably true.

To be honest, it's an awful situation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I've spent five years of my life completely dedicated to someone. That appears to just do whatever the **** she wants. And only care about herself.

I've spent the last few months spending my life savings on a ring. And moving into a place that is extremely inconvenient for me, just to be with her. All the time listening to her tell me how she can't wait to live with me and spend the rest of her life with me.

I guess the question really is, why? Of course, only she can answer that.

But why would a person tell someone they want to marry them and spend the rest of their life with them? Why would someone spend five years dating someone? Sign a lease to move in with them? And, now after being caught and everything that happened want to reconcile the situation and call and email them and tell them they love them and want to be with them? When they've clearly ONLY looked out for themselves by staying in contact with other men, probably having an affair, and then consider applying to be on a TV show to find a husband?

WHY WASTE THE TIME AND EFFORT, WHEN IF THERE WAS ANYONE ELSE SHE WOULD RATHER BE WITH; SHE COULD JUST DO IT! No need to spend all her time with me. No need to email and call and tell me she loves me. No need to plan to move in with me. No need to say she still wants to marry me. No need to keep doing all of it and then in the background talk to other guys, have affairs and apply to reality TV dating shows.

Yes, she's extremely materialistic and probably thinks I can provide a good life for her. And, yes, she's getting older and probably wanted to be married long before now. But why spend the time and go through all of it, with someone you've betrayed and are just going to betray in the end? It just doesn't make sense.

And why do I, after five years and all this ****, still believe her? Still want to be with her? Still believe that she is the only one who makes me happy?