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LoveStoned · Feb 19, 2009, 12:03 PM

I have a question about the NC rule.....Even though I'm ignoring and not speaking to my ex should i keep in contact with his family. They were a big part of my life. We all lived together for years. I feel like I'm being rude not talking to them too.

Sometimes too... I wonder if it was a good idea ignoring his last attempts to contact me if I wanted to work things out. But then I see the pattern of how things went each time NC was broke and so I guess that's why I'm continuing NC... 1 MONTH(THE LONGEST I'VE STAYED Committed TO NC)!! Trying to stay strong here... ;)

kctiger · Feb 19, 2009, 12:05 PM

Originally Posted by LoveStoned

]I have a question about the NC rule.....Even though I'm ignoring and not speaking to my ex should i keep in contact with his family. They were a big part of my life. We all lived together for years. I feel like I'm being rude not talking to them too.
Sometimes too...I wonder if it was a good idea ignoring his last attempts to contact me if I wanted to work things out. But then I see the pattern of how things went each time NC was broke and so I guess thats why I'm continuing NC.....1 MONTH(THE LONGEST I'VE STAYED COMMITED TO NC)!!!!! Trying to stay strong here.....;)

No. That is his family. People come and go throughout your life... period. Talking to them would probably keep some sort of door open for false hope in your eyes. Cut ALL ties, at least for now. The possibility is always there in the future... but it isn't needed now. I am sure they understand.

When things like this happen, adjustments have to be made. It is just the natural flow of life... it isn't anything personal, as it is just, for now, in your best interests.

artlady · Feb 19, 2009, 12:19 PM

I agree with Kctiger... stuff happens and you make adjustments accordingly.

Perhaps a year down the road when you have completely shed him from yourself head and heart,you will be strong enough to have contact with the family,provided of course,he is no where in the picture.

You can speculate till the cows come home about what he wanted last contact but the bottom line is you would just be getting more of the same.The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Stay strong,you are doing great. Keep a copy of these posts and you can have an online book.. How I survived NC :)
Its not easy,not everyone is strong enough to do it.
Pat yourself on the back! ;)

LoveStoned · Feb 24, 2009, 09:57 AM

Guys I have another problem on my hands. I have a friend that keeps calling me but I don't want to talk with this person. The reason being because every time I do... the ex somehow is brought up and what has been going on over there. I mean I feel aweful totally ignoring this person but I wish to forget everything about the whole situation. And this friend just has a habit of talking about everone's business which I don't like either. Call after call... At home... my cell... I can't take it. This peron was there for me when I needed someone to talk to while I was in the process of breaking up... Any advice

kctiger · Feb 24, 2009, 10:01 AM

Tell your friend how you feel. Ask them to respect the fact that you do not want to talk about your ex, and if they can't handle that, then you can't talk to them. Simple as that.

LoveStoned · Feb 25, 2009, 06:55 AM

I said this already but info always seems to seep out. This person calls more than my ex when I first left him. Is this normal... geesh... again this morning at 8:00 called home and cell. I mean I don't know what it is my heart races each time I see that number

HistorianChick · Feb 25, 2009, 07:06 AM

You need to tell this person to stop calling you. Be honest and say that it hurts you to bring up the past and that you're trying to move on with your life. Their frequent phone calls are not helping you do that.

And then stop. It's your choice to talk with her. It's your choice to pick up the phone. She isn't threatening your life or your family when she calls, she just calls. You decide if you want to talk to her.

LoveStoned · Feb 25, 2009, 01:01 PM

I know its my choice. That's why I haven't picked up the phone!!
They called at least 15 times total today not including yesterday. I feel that there is a need or something that's itching for them to tell me... And I don't want to here it...
Its just annoying getting call after call... I mean wouldn't anyone just get the point. I just want to be left alone so all past feelings fade... 1 month in peace and now this...

HistorianChick · Feb 25, 2009, 01:09 PM

Can you block the number? Some cell companies have the capability to block numbers. If you can't block, can you set a certain ring tone (i.e. silent! :) ) for when they call?

If worse comes to worst, change your number. Been there, done that, it's not fun, but it sure handles the situation!

LoveStoned · Mar 2, 2009, 08:13 PM

Today I read a post about a woman who was involved in a violent relationship. And it basially reminded me of why I left my ex. I just don't understand after the way he treated me why I was still willing to reconcile things with him... I mean he would get into rages (whether if it was driving wrecklessly, smashing things, giving me dirty looks intentionally,) and then want me to be intimate with him like nothing ever happened. I look now and I was and sometimes am in great DENIAL. I just got to keep refreshing my memory. I sometimes think hearing about his rebound made me think things weren't that bad after all and could have given him that second chance when he wanted it. There is a lot that I miss but a lot that I DON'T AND NEVER WILL MISS. Do most relationships that end go though what I went through... I don't understand.

LoveStoned · Mar 24, 2009, 01:25 PM

Hey everyone,
So its been 2 months of complete NC and so far so good! BUT... this past week I've been thinking a lot about him. I even brought myself down with tears. I haven't felt like this during the 2 months... so why now. Anyway, even though I miss I am able to reflect on why things worked out the way they did. And after all after 7 years, I did have a good reason to leave the way I did... It just hurts.. hurts a lot. What get me into tears is the way he handled the breakup with playing games and even tried to use me afterwards. Thank Goodness I didn't let it get too far. Anyway I just like hearing from you guys. Thank you all for being such a great support group :)

artlady · Mar 24, 2009, 01:34 PM

Two months of NC is great! Good for you. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done :)
But seven yrs.is a long time and you will inevitably have bad days that just turn your world upside down.
That is when you treat yourself extra kind.Splurge on a great dinner or invite a friend out to a club or buy those shoes that cost way too much!
Do something for you because you deserve it. You can now officially call yourself a survivor!!

I wish · Mar 24, 2009, 01:37 PM

7 years is a long time and there's a lot of history. I'm sure 7 years later you will still think about this relationship.

But you seem to be doing pretty well! Keep it up!

LoveStoned · Mar 24, 2009, 03:32 PM

Yeah I know it will take time and I guess as I read other posts it gives me hope for the better...
Artlady, I feel like a damn near survived a coma. :p Now I'm just paralyzed waiting to walk again. And in seven years I don't intend to have any thought or feelings towards this and I'm striving for that day to come.

Do you think it's a guy ego thing... They can't handle someone breaking up with them so they turn vindictive towards you... As I think about things. He really turned the table around and blamed the problems of the break up on me. When for years I was the one trying to talk some sense into him!!!!
I know that I have a lot going on for myself and I have more good days than bad days. Its work in progress. AHYYAHYI(SIGH)

I wish · Mar 24, 2009, 03:47 PM

Well you guys are broken, he's not really part of your life anymore.

I'm sure that he was really skaken by the break up as well. He was with you for 7 years. Everyone handles breakups differently, I doubt that it is a guy thing.

Try not to worry about him anymore and focus on the things that are going for you!

artlady · Mar 24, 2009, 05:37 PM

Originally Posted by LoveStoned

yeah i know it will take time and i guess as i read other posts it gives me hope for the better....
Artlady, I feel like a damn near survived a coma. :p Now I'm just paralyzed waiting to walk again. And in seven years I don't intend to have any thought or feelings towards this and I'm striving for that day to come.

Do you think its a guy ego thing....They can't handle someone breaking up with them so they turn vindictive towards you.....As I think about things. He really turned the table around and blamed the problems of the break up on me. When for years I was the one trying to talk some sense into him!!!!
I know that I have alot going on for myself and I have more good days than bad days. Its work in progress. AHYYAHYI(SIGH)

I think we all have a different way of dealing with a break-up but very generally speaking I think women are more in touch with their feelings and tend to get sad whereas a guy gets angry.Anger is just a cover up for hurt or frustration.

Keep looking ahead,all the speculation in the world isn't going to change anything so just continue on and pretty soon those first steps will be over with and you will feel like putting on your dancing shoes :)

LoveStoned · Mar 24, 2009, 08:10 PM

Yeah... you guys are right. I shouldn't be worrying about him either. My thoughts sometimes seem to wonder there at times. Got to focus... :rolleyes: :D

kctiger · Mar 25, 2009, 05:46 AM

I am not sure you can gerneralize emotions of any sort towards one gender or the other. As a grieving process you go through all sorts of emotions. I went through anger, denial, sadness, etc. etc. throughout this process, sometimes all at once. It is the process of grief.

I found it better to handle this first class, so no bashing my ex, no holding her in contempt, none of that. Simply put, until I let go of my anger, I was doomed to live in a sad world, where, no matter how much I thought I was over her, I wasn't. Once you can let go, and smile at yourself once in awhile, you start to realize the true accomplishments of your journey.

There are still some days where I think about her more than I want to. I was actually running on the treadmill the other day when a song came on in my IPOD that reminded me of her, a lot, and I almost teared up. It made me realize, however, how much I have grown, as even though I got really sad, it just motivated me to run faster... a few months ago, I would have gone home and crawled into bed, with a box of tissues.

You are doing awesome! Just keep it up! You are on the home stretch of this process...

LoveStoned · Mar 27, 2009, 11:00 AM

Kc... you're amazing budd:) Got into a serious game of flag football the other night with some friends which seemed to distract my mind pretty well. We just got to keep ourselves occupied. Heck, tomorrow, I may even head down to the beach...
I guess my parents are thinking of moving back up north again and it triggered my past with him. Its where me and my ex created our history. I'm trying to stablize myself, yet I find that I got to keep adjusting to change which is a little difficult at this time.

PirandelloLuigi · Mar 27, 2009, 11:38 AM

Lovestoned, I know how you feel.
You have to block anything that reminds you of the relationship. I know it's hard to forget 7 years. I had an 8 year relationship from 1993 to 2001. It took me at least a year or two to completely forget her. After 4 months I started a new relationship and it helped me forget. Yes somestimes we will hear a song or see a place which will trigger emotions. But if you can block the rest that can make you think of the past, do it.

Now I am trying to forget my recent breakup and it's hard as hell. That's why I am here, I was searching for answers in Google and I ended up here, which I am really gratefull. I see I am not alone in this turmoil, and it's helping me understand and accept that my breakup happened for a reason whether I like it or not, there is nothing I can do that will bring her back.

All I can do is focus on other stuff and just block any thoughts or emotions about her. She is probably not even thinking of me anymore, since it's easier for the dumper to forget and move on.
Why should I break my head like this if she does not care anymore?

No contact, block the thoughts, eliminate any hope of reconciliation, move on, ask the universe what you want, keep focus on that and work hard to get it.