[4answers]

Hi Geoff

Been away from this site for a few days, sorry to hear that things got the better of you, but we have all been there. Shows that your human and caring with feelings that the next girl will be well rewarded with.

The replies and advice of everyone is great, I know that your advice has greatly helped me and others. Don't think to put yourself down !

One thing that does strike me though is that what people forget, is that when anyone is attracted to someone they act towards that person with positive emotional interest in the person (thats really what love is). However when the persons feelings change from positive emotions interest to no or negative emotional interest then they will act differently to the person. (Same for us all, if you think about it!).

The only difference being is that, if you have been on the receiving end of someone having a positive emotional interest in you and acting on this with you, when their interest in you goes they appear to be a completely different person than the one you knew !

When in reality they are the same person, just there emotional interest is you is gone.


(Compare this between someone you view as a friend and someone you dislike as a friend, you act differently towards them. If they were to describe you then it would be the description of two separate people).

As for people getting back together or friends who have fallen out becoming friends again. It depends on forgiveness and understanding of the past and a re ignition of the emotional interest in the person.

I know believe this is only possible after a period of no contact, when the wounds of separation have healed. But as for reigniting the emotional interest of doing so before a partner moves on. No idea!! (still working on that one... lol, Any thoughts ? ).

[MeeDee23]

As for people getting back together or friends who have fallen out becoming friends again. It depends on forgiveness and understanding of the past and a re ignition of the emotional interest in the person.

I know belive this is only possible after a period of no contact, when the wounds of separation have healed. But as for reigniting the emotional interest of doing so before a partner moves on. No idea !!!!! (still working on that one....lol, Any thoughts ? ).

This really is a tough point that you have brought to light here 4answers. Staying in NC is very much a crucial step in putting YOURSELF back together... but there are still further things that need to fall into place after you have given yourself that time. Listening to the other person about their feelings, as well as introspection on your own self and accepting and working on your faults is something else that needs to be done. By doing these things and making yourself a stronger person, I feel makes you much more attractive in the eyes of the one you lost. If they see you have grown and learned from the past, this is step one to re-igniting that emotional interest.

You can't totally change who you are... but you have to dig deep and personify those great qualities that you love about yourself and you know your SO has always been so fond of.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Thanks for all you responses guys and gals..

Much appreciated.

I am o.k and have pulled myself together again after this latest set back. I think the hardest thing when something like this happens is trying to get through those feelings of failure. What I mean by this is the very things she wrote on the profile she created about what she wanted. The fact that she said she wanted an outgoing person with a 'wicked' sense of humour and knows how to party. This made me think that she had reflected on our relationship and felt that I did not match what she is looking for. I think she just wants a wild crazy type of guy... Perhaps I should reflect less on what she wants and more about what I want. She was not right for me for sure and I was not right for her and what people want changes over time..

When I think about it though, it is not me that failed, it was the relationship that failed. We were two different people and at different maturity levels so I can't blame myself for someone else's desire to experiment with life.

My ex always liked to be the centre of attention and changed in social situations. She would become loud and often I would be the quieter person. I could not fully understand why she changed like that, why she had to put a front on who she really was. It was weird because her friends only knew at best 25% of what she was all about and who she was. Perhaps she was more comfortable with that. I don't believe in reality the next relationship will be any different for her as you can't hide the other 75% forever.

Sorry if I have waffled on again and I expect I don't make much sense in this latest response... LOL..

I think this is my way of thinking aloud (so to speak)... :)

[Geoffersonairplane]

<< I am looking for a man, who can have a laugh and be mad like me and then snuggle up on a Sunday with me.
>>

hey Geoff,
Just saw ur thread....
well lets hope she meets jerk after jerk on that site!!
As i told you before in the early 20s girls are so attracted to getting a crazy , funny guy...
(i know from experience)...so i guess this is the phase she is at.

Anyhow take care Geoff and we are all here if you need to talk.

She certainly is at that phase rol. That is exactly what she indicates she wants.

You are 100% spot on Rol. I see many women in their 20's who go through this phase and as soon as they get through it, often they decide that the jerks they are attracted to are not what they want after all.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Request Denied for being Tin Man. Too late for that my friend, as you already have a heart..a very very big one :)

Now don't even ask to be the cowardly lion...nope...doesn't fit you nor the scarecrow, as you already have a brain and a very good one...Dorothy? um no.....maybe Toto..but I will have to think about it.

Is toto Dorothy's dog?

[BlazingCold]

Is toto Dorothy's dog?

Yes, he is.

My ex and your ex are in the same phase. They want to sample and dabble, while we only wanted to be with only them. However, once they grow up, they will tire of that, and realize we are the type they wanted all along. Luckily for us, we will have found someone who feels the same way about us as we do about them. In the end, what goes around comes around!

See, it's their loss, and our gain!! :D

[Geoffersonairplane]

Yes, he is.

My ex and your ex are in the same phase. They want to sample and dabble, while we only wanted to be with only them. However, once they grow up, they will tire of that, and realize we are the type they wanted all along. Luckily for us, we will have found someone who feels the same way about us as we do about them. In the end, what goes around comes around!

See, it's their loss, and our gain!!! :D

I agree blaze, my ex definitely wanted to sample and dabble. She told me months before we broke up she wished she were single again and that she wondered what it would be like to be with another man. I thought she was just joking but people say things for a reason. I believe in Karma and what goes around comes around and sad to say that I believe she will be broken hearted one day and discover the emotional pain I went through. Happens to most people I believe.

She will learn. I made mistakes when I was her age so I can't blame her for needing to learn for herself. You can only grow up by learning from various experiences in life.

[Allheart]

Geoff,

I would not think of the relationship as a "failure" not at all. If anything it was an incredible learning experience. Embrace the times the relationship did make you smile and happy, they were real for that moment. Learn from the painful moments but never look at it as a failure... no such thing. K?

[Saintas]

That is never a joke for a woman when she wonder what it would be like to be with another man . Even with a laud voice.
Geoff you must to shut the computer and go outside do something for you something to drag you away from thinking too much now. Go take a deep breath of air and look outside there :there is a entire world with happiness with drama , it is simply life .
Make something please what make your brains electrical emotional storm go away .
Healing is a long time process don't try to resolve all in your mind right now.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Geoff,

I would not think of the relationship as a "failure" not at all. If anything it was an incredible learning experience. Embrace the times the relationship did make you smile and happy, they were real for that moment. Learn from the painful moments but never look at it as a failure...no such thing. K?

That makes good sense Allheart, I think perhaps that was the wrong word to use because it is negative. There are times I can think of that make me look back and smile and I expect there are some for her too. I have definitely learnt a lot through this break-up, about myself and about her too.

[Geoffersonairplane]

That is never a joke for a woman when she wonder what it would be like to be with another man . Even with a laud voice.

I know. I guess I was kind of in Denial that this kind of situation was on the cards for some time. She said this a few times and I just brushed it off because I did not want to believe that what happened was going to happen at the time.

I won't ignore these kind of signs in the future in relationships. Like I said, I have learnt a lot out of this experience so in a way, it was a good thing.

Sorry, I'm covering old ground now so I will try to be silent.. LOL

[Nohitter410]

The key thing that I took from what you posted on myspace could be the fact that by posting it, when she does log on it will tell her that she needs to move on.

Women deal with things in a different way and she will try everything to try to replace you. Even if every day she is thinking about your or not that should have no effect on what you are doing.

Looking at her pages will not only hurt your growth which I know you are doing so much better but honestly what does it really accomplish. You are trying to find something bad about her and find something she is doing. So when and if the person does get out of the wild girl phase you will be just hanging out and never found someone better which you definitely will.

If you have to check her pages then that means you don't have much things to occupy your time. This world is full of so many great things to do and you are so young just like me. You only get one life to live and living it by relolving around one person is not only not healthy but that should never happen. Your family is there for you, your friends are there for you and your career. Make something of yourself, do what you want to do. If you want to go to bed early at 9 pm you now can if you want to go out until 5 am you can. You have the world at your disposal and all your posts tell me you know what to do and you are definitely doing it. You know you will never forget her so no matter where you go and what you do you won't forget. Moving on doesn't mean forget, it just means what it says move on and when you look back a few years from now you will see how unhealthy the relationship truly was. Whatever she does after you breakup means nothing because you aren't together. You should be doing what you want to do just like she is. It doesn't have to compete and try to show her you have girls too. DO ONLY WHAT YOU WANT AND TAKE 24/7 of ME TIME. Haha

Sorry ramble and bounce around a lot

[wap]

My ex was very similar to your ex Geoff. He was the same in a social situation. Everyone knew him as being very funny etc. I took it to heart when we split up he said he was the easiest going person ever. That made me think that I am not easy to get on with. That is not true, he called me a prude I really took offence. He really ought to grow up. Your ex is 20, mine is 33 lol!

I think we deserve better : )

Oh well, gym again tomorrow!

[Saintas]

Curiosity kill the cat

[Skell]

Hey Geoff,

Sorry I have been away for the weekend and haven't had a chance to contribute to your thread my mate.

Couldn't have offered anything better than you have here though from our great friends.

Like I have said to you before, you are going to have many ups and downs, and make many mistakes. Sadly, this probably isn't the last one you'll make.

That's what we human beings do. We make mistakes and pay the consequences. And usually these cause pain and suffering. And you have felt the pain and suffered for this mistake.

But you know what the great thing about making a mistake is? If we are smart enough there are some pretty valuable lessons we can learn from them, that after all the pain and suffering has gone away, the whole mistake and its consequences sort of ends up being a positive event. That probably sounds so stupid, but my brain isn't quite getting the words out as effectively as id like this morning (its in holiday mode after my long weekend).

I know for a fact Geoff that you are a smart guy! Great guy with heaps going for him. And I know because of your massive heart that no matter how much we all try and convince you that she isn't worth it, that this speaks volumes about her real personality, you deserve better etc ec, something like this till hurts and it is allowed to hurt.

But I also know that because of the same qualities I listed above that you will learn some great things out of this and it will help you move forward.

So limit your mistakes Geoff but understand that you will make them from time to time, but when you do, vent here, get it out of your system, but most importantly don't miss the opportunity to learn and grow!

I can tell just by you posts on this thread that you already have.

So well done Geoff.

[rol]

<<you are 100% spot on Rol. I see many women in their 20's who go through this phase and as soon as they get through it, often they decide that the jerks they are attracted to are not what they want after all.>>

And here am I too witness that ;-)
After having had a serious relationship from 19-22 I went through quite a few jerks from between 23- 28. Those crazy, funny guys who treated me so bad. When I look back now and when I see them around nowadays I wonder how the hell was I attracted to that... The strange thing is I would run away from the nice guys.

Also I believe a lot of guys are similar and like those crazy bad girls during that age...
The meaner you treat them the keener they become.

So what you say is exactly true, what you want changes over time... this is why I think below 28 is far too young to settle.