[s_cianci]

Perfect.

[BlazingCold]

I thank you all for the all of the positive reinforcement. Without you all, I don't know how I I would have dealt with this. However, it still feels like she gets the last laugh. She gets to go off and be with every guy she wants to, while I'm left to sort through this, without any definitive answers from her. That doesn't seem right.

[Skell]

Don't worry about her however if this is her behaviour then in the long run it will be you who has the laugh last. Because you will come out the other side of this a much healthier, happier and wiser person. Where as she, well she will have probably learnt nothing, be less happy and downright unhealthy if she chooses to live this tyle of life.

Trust me, right now it might sound like it is great for her but one day it will catch up with her and it won't seem so great to her then.

So concentrate on you. Don't worry about answers. They don't give you anything other then perhaps more pain. The answers I think you want aren't the answers you will get. So don't look for them

Rather just look at yourself and how you can keep moving forward towards that happy and healthy person I'm talking about!

[talaniman]

I thank you all for the all of the positive reinforcement. Without you all, I don't know how I I would have dealt with this. However, it still feels like she gets the last laugh. She gets to go off and be with every guy she wants to, while I'm left to sort through this, without any definitive answers from her. That doesn't seem right.

There is nothing to sort out, and you need nothing from her, that's the frustration talking. The truth is you are free to pursue your own happiness. If you leave her alone, then you get the last laugh by building a life you enjoy and as the anger and frustration have faded you're a healthy person with a healthy happy life. What more could you ask for.

[BlazingCold]

The answers i think you want arent the answers you will get. So dont look for them

Because I'm a curious type, what are the answers I want, and I what would be the answers I would get?

[Skell]

Correct me if I'm wrong but you most probably right now want to hear that she still loves you, and will always love but right now just wants to be alone.

You want her to tell you that she is not interested in other people and that if given time to find herself she will come back to you and you will pick up where you left off.

That your love was so special that it could never be just forgotten.

Im not criticising you either. I suppose I'm just presuming your feeling like I did and how I see many others who come here feel.

They / we say they want answers. We want to know why. But the truth of the matter is there isn't really a why.

The only reason / answer you need is that your partner wanted out and that is exactly what they'll get.

What they do from that point on and why they do it isn't your problem from the moment they tell you your gone.

Its sad and it hurts oh so much but knowing why won't really help. Probing and searching for answers out of her won't bring her back.

Maybe I am wrong but I too said the same things. Definitive answers is what you want. Well to be blunt (but not trying be rude) you have the most definitive answer you need. She's gone and doesn't want you anymore. Need you know anymore??

Will knowing anymore help you on your recovery path. Deep down I think you know the answer is no.

Hence we all stress to focus on what you can control and that's you and your actions. It certainly isn't hers!

[valinors_sorrow]

I thank you all for the all of the positive reinforcement. Without you all, I don't know how I I would have dealt with this. However, it still feels like she gets the last laugh. She gets to go off and be with every guy she wants to, while I'm left to sort through this, without any definitive answers from her. That doesn't seem right.

You are, by the way, comparing her outsides with your insides-- which is at best never a fair match and at worst bad science. Tut tut! Besides if it were true, anyone who can shrug it off that easy hits me as pretty shallow with their sentiments or calloused enough to be considered poor material for a real relationship. So I say laugh all the way to the Emotional I.Q. Bank and make yourself a big deposit Blaze! You are being real... and that counts quite a bit in my book.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Dont worry about her however if this is her behaviour then in the long run it will be you who has the laugh last. Because you will come out the other side of this a much healthier, happier and wiser person. Where as she, well she will have probably learnt nothing, be less happy and downright unhealthy if she chooses to live this tyle of life.

Very true,

She will probably have her regrets in time but by the time that comes, you won't want her back. It is imortant however to not dwell on what she is going to regret because what she regrets has nothing to do with your recovery which is what yuou need to work on.

I woke up last night in a bit of a panic, had this really lonely feeling inside without my ex there by my side... Don't know where it came from, really intense then it just went when I realised where I was.>>REALITY... She is gone..

As time passes you will feel these moments, but you will get through them and be stronger. There is no point in searching for answers! You won't get any from her, she want you far away at the moment and sorry if that hurts but it's true. This is why she has not contacted you and why she won't be.

You need to face up to the fact that she is gone and it is over and your journey now is all about you and your life and your future.. Without her!

I agree with Val, she is like my ex, she shrugged you off in a mere few days and was callous and emotionally immature. I expect the thoughts were growing in her brain for some time. She is not worth your tears.

Believe me I know you hurt (I REALLY KNOW!! ) but you need to realise that she is probably off having fun while you are alone questioning her motivations or questioning what she is thinking or feeling. The biggest question you are asking yourself is: "Will she be back" and "When". It is not until you realise that this relationship is over that you will begin to accept it and move on.

Blazingcold... I am not saying it is impossible that she will ever change her mind and come back but hanging on to hope is not going to help you. I wish I could be back with my ex and everything could be like before but it won't happen, she is gone.

To me it sounds like you are an emotionally intelligent person and you will make the right woman happy and she will appreciate you for who you are. This girl was too young to be committed to a serious relationship with an emotionally mature man! Look at it this way, she did you a favour! Now you can move on and find someone who deserves your love.

Sorry again for the long post!

[BlazingCold]

Correct me if im wrong but you most probably right now want to hear that she still loves you, and will always love but right now just wants to be alone.

I'm pretty sure she still loves me, and I wouldn't mind to hear it, but I wouldn't be surprised if she said that she never actually loved me, just because we moved "too fast"

You want her to tell you that she is not interested in other people and that if given time to find herself she will come back to you and you will pick up where you left off.

I know for a fact she's interested in other people, that why she left. She felt she couldn't fully experience college life with me weighing her down. So she says "I don't want a relationship with anyone", thinking that she's doing a favor to me by walking away. She tells me that she has always been a "shallow" person, and that by leaving now, she'll avoid cheating on me, and sparing me even more pain.

That your love was so special that it could never be just forgotten.

I'd like to think my love is that special, but I don't know how she feels about me anymore. I do know how I feel about her, though: I do love her and I always will, but it would have to be a cold day in hell before I take back someone who could leave someone who she told "loved like no one else before" but then leaves to jump on the next guy who tickles her fancy.

Im not criticising you either. i suppose im just presuming your feeling like i did and how i see many others who come here feel.

they / we say they want answers. we want to know why. But the truth of the matter is there isnt really a why.

The only reason / answer you need is that your partner wanted out and that is exactly what they'll get.

what they do from that point on and why they do it isnt your problem from the moment they tell you your gone.

its sad and it hurts oh so much but knowing why wont really help. Probing and searching for answers out of her wont bring her back.

Maybe i am wrong but i too said the same things. Definitive answers is what you want. Well to be blunt (but not trying be rude) you have the most definitive answer you need. She's gone and doesnt want you anymore. Need you know anymore???

Will knowing anymore help you on your recovery path. Deep down i think you know the answer is no.

Hence we all stress to focus on what you can control and thats you and your actions. It certainly isnt hers!

Thanks for the pep talk. I didn't want to get answers just to get her back, just to see if the reasons I think she left were correct. From talking to you and others on this site, I think they are. I've always had a fear of rejection(that led to me not getting my first girlfriend (her) until I was almost 19), that's why I clung to her so hard, thinking that if I put her on high enough of a pedestal, she couldn't possibly leave (I wasn't doing this purposefully, just now I realize how my actions were received). Despite that, I treated her like a woman and loved every second we were together. Does that mean I deserve to be tossed aside like an old toy for something new and shiny? However, she did what she felt she had to do, and there is nothing I can do to change her mind. Moreover, I don't think I really want to anymore. Her leaving has broken the shield that has been around me for so many years that has prevented me from forming relationships on any level due to fear of rejection. She's forced me to be a better person, and for that I thank her. I'll never forget her, but I now look forward to my next love, instead of dwelling on ones that are over.

[/endrant]

[valinors_sorrow]

Its amazing to me Blaze, how it seems that we get what we fear all so we may learn not to fear it LOL. At least it seems like that to me. Now you know that rejection is a survivable event -- a very very valuable lesson. Congrats on learning it so well.

[Geoffersonairplane]

However, she did what she felt she had to do, and there is nothing I can do to change her mind. Moreover, I don't think I really want to anymore. Her leaving has broken the shield that has been around me for so many years that has prevented me from forming relationships on any level due to fear of rejection. She's forced me to be a better person, and for that I thank her. I'll never forget her, but I now look forward to my next love, instead of dwelling on ones that are over.
[/endrant]

This is the way to go!

[BlazingCold]

Its amazing to me Blaze, how it seems that we get what we fear all so we may learn not to fear it LOL. At least it seems like that to me. Now you know that rejection is a survivable event -- a very very valuable lesson. Congrats on learning it so well.

Yeah, that's pretty ironic. It's nice to actually get over it, but I wouldn't have minded for it to happen a different way. But I guess this is for the best. It's cool that people think I'm emotionally mature, as I always thought I was retarded in some way due to my lack of any social life for so long.

[talaniman]

Acceptance is half the battle so your farther ahead than you know. Your attitude will carry you far.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Yeah, that's pretty ironic. It's nice to actually get over it, but I wouldn't have minded for it to happen a different way. But I guess this is for the best. It's cool that people think I'm emotionally mature, as I always thought I was retarded in some way due to my lack of any social life for so long.

Your lack of social life probably has more to do with your fear of rejection and having this shield you speak of surrounding you for most of your life. I am not a psychologist but relate to what you are saying since, I have gone through periods in my life where I chose not to keep close to friends because I was scared that I would be rejected so rather than get hurt, I would push them away before they could do it to me. As I got older, I learned that you need to take a chance and open up.

Just because you have lack of social life, it does not mean you are emotionally retarded, it has more to do with confidence and your fear of rejection. The fact that you recognise these fears and feel the things that you do shows the emotional maturity and the ability to make positive changes in your life.

I think you have pointed out something which can really help you move forward... You need to make some new friends... Feel the fear and go for it. You have got a lot to say and can make good, stimulating conversation... Boring? You are not boring, except to those who are not worth a second of your time! Believe this if you believe nothing else I say!

Also..

Can I ask, do you have a gym membership, if not, Chuff gave me some good avice to get one. I have not personally done this yet but have started running daily and lifting weights at home. Eventually, I am going to get back to the gym and work on myself.

It will build your confidence + you will meet new people. It will also take your mind off your current situation.

If you are already doing this then great, just keep it up!

Also,

If you drink alcohol, try to lay off this for a while. It really does not help. Unfortunately, I did this for the first 4 weeks and it made me worse and probably accounted for many of the times I contacted my ex in the first few weeks. While I did not do this while I was under the influence, it made me feel more depressed and encouraged me to send her an e-mail or two... BAD NEWS!

Not saying this is what you are doing but if you do drink, now is the time to cut back!

Positive things like exercise.. I know you know this anyway but it is good to remind!

And it helps me to remind myself too! LOL

[Skell]

Blazing,

You are headed in a very healthy direction and are going great.

I didn't mean to assume anything, I was merely just relating what you went through to myself and others and the feelings and emotions you seemed to be portraying in your posts were very consistent to what everyone seems to go through.

But as tal said your attitude is great and will help you no end to completely get over her.

[BlazingCold]

I know you didn't, just curious on what you thought I wanted to hear.

I think my problem is the type of girl I like. She's not your typical girl, and that excites me to no end. Other girls seem "boring" in comparison to her. I think of her personality and it was like it was heaven-sent, just for me. She was everything I could have ever wanted. I think I need to change who I'm attracted to in order to not be sucked into another abyss of depression and anger. But how can I change something like that?

[Geoffersonairplane]

I know you didn't, just curious on what you thought I wanted to hear.

I think my problem is the type of girl I like. She's not your typical girl, and that excites me to no end. Other girls seem "boring" in comparison to her. I think of her personality and it was like it was heaven-sent, just for me. She was everything I could have ever wanted. I think I need to change who I'm attracted to in order to not be sucked into another abyss of depression and anger. But how can I change something like that?

I don't think you can change who you are attracted to can you?

It just happens. Maybe she was right for you but you met her at the wrong time in life..

[BlazingCold]

I don't think you can change who you are attracted to can you?

It just happens. Maybe she was right for you but you met her at the wrong time in life..

That makes perfect sense, but I think I did meet her at the right time, but we weren't meant to be together. She's opened my eyes to a lot of things, as well as forced me to change my outlook on my life and people in general. Life itself seems strangely more interesting now that she left. I really do believe that this was for the best, as I'm thinking in ways I haven't before. My anger has all but disappeared, replaced mostly with a feeling of appreciation for making me the person I've always wanted to be, but never thought I could.

I know that a relationship is not the best option between the two of us right now. But she was still apart of my life like no one else has been, and I would be saddened to have her leave my life completely. How can I see if she wants to have a friendship? Is this a good idea?

[Geoffersonairplane]

That makes perfect sense, but I think I did meet her at the right time, but we weren't meant to be together. She's opened my eyes to a lot of things, as well as forced me to change my outlook on my life and people in general. Life itself seems strangely more interesting now that she left. I really do believe that this was for the best, as I'm thinking in ways I haven't before. My anger has all but disappeared, replaced mostly with a feeling of appreciation for making me the person I've always wanted to be, but never thought I could.

I know that a relationship is not the best option between the two of us right now. But she was still apart of my life like no one else has been, and I would be saddened to have her leave my life completely. How can I see if she wants to have a friendship? Is this a good idea?

There is a danger here Blaze. I think it is too early to think of friendship at this point.

From what you have said about your feelings for having her take this important position in your life, I would be inclined to say that you would be fooling yourself if you felt that you could walk into a friendship with her so soon with this kind of background without feeling anything more. You would soon slip back into the feelings you had for her before. I am not saying friendship is impossible, and while I think it is dangerous territory, it is good that you feel you can reach a point where you can reconcile in this way.

I don't think you should let her know at this stage that you want JUST friendship and put any pressure on her at this stage to consider this since she will feel that you are trying to WIN her back by creating this attachment again.

I know my ex won't give me the time of day at the moment and if you read my thread which I think you have, it was her who wanted out to regain the single life. If I were to contact her now and ask for friendship after 10/11 weeks, she would not go for that. I don't believe I could be a friend to my ex while I am still in love with her and have these feelings for her. It hurts to be around someone who cannot reciprocate the feelings you have for them.

Give it more time before contacting her.. How long has it been? Not very long for you I don't think, judging by your posts. I think you are making positive steps in the way that you are thinking but I do also believe you are moving a bit fast and you need to sort through your feelings.

No doubt you are grateful in a way because you are becoming a stronger person and will look back on this as a great learning experience but just forget about the friendship with her for now, just until you are ready and of course, until SHE is ready also.

I hope I have helped you here. You are coming along fine. There will be more ups and downs but you will get through it all!

No doubt you will give us some more updates on your progress!

[valinors_sorrow]

How can I see if she wants to have a friendship? Is this a good idea?

I have seen very very few people pull that off and I have been watching closely. Even divorced parents with the motivation of child rearing don't manage it. At best, most people seem to create an awkward truce.

You might want to look at your motive to this too. To expand on what Geoff said, if this is you waiting for her to turn back into girlfriend material then its no good, dude.

The thing I have found about letting people go (and I have had to let go of many, painful each time too) is that had I hung onto them out of sheer stubbornness, the next one coming along would not have arrived because there wasn't room for them. So think about this... there are just tons of girls out there... some of which are suitable for you... a few of which will do amazing things to you and for you. In sort of Yoda language LOL If you stand waiting at closed door staring, then door that opens you see not. See?