[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi Chuff,

Well, that's kind of true, I had 2 girlfriends before her but only lasted a couple of months, no real feelings for them.

So in these terms, I would say, she was my first real girlfriend and experienced real feelings for, so I suppose yuou could say she was my first because I never felt for anyone else in this way.

I used to work out a lot before I met her, used to run, weight lift, I even ran the London Marathon in the U.K. Fit as hell because I was single for years but not necessarily unhappy with that...

I kind of lost my appetite for fitness while I was with her and I think our lives revolved too much around each other.

She never worked out in the relationship or before it.. She was too lazy although I suggested we could both do this together.

Thanks for your advice..

[talaniman]

I kind of lost my appetite for fitness while I was with her and I think our lives revolved too much around each other.

I think you know what it is you must do.

[chuff]

Hi Chuff,

Well, thats kind of true, I had 2 girlfriends before her but only lasted a couple of months, no real feelings for them.

So in these terms, I would say, she was my first real girlfriend and experienced real feelings for, so I suppose yuou could say she was my first because I never felt for anyone else in this way.

I kind of senced that. You've got to realize what your going through is perfectly normal. Your feeling a loss but it's something you can and will overcome. You have to be strong and start looking to the future and not the past.

I used to work out a lot before I met her, used to run, weight lift, I even ran the London Marathon in the U.K. Fit as hell because I was single for years but not necessarily unhappy with that....

I kind of lost my appetite for fitness while I was with her and I think our lives revolved too much around each other.

Thanks for your advice..

Then this is one of the many steps you can take to get your life back. Try what I said in my last post. Hit the stairmaster, treadmill (if you can, personally they give me shin splints), or the ellipitical machines and just go. Just go until you can't go anymore. Stop, get some water, take a break and go again. Trust me you'll forget about her for awhile. Plus you'll be doing something for yourself. It's a win/win situation.

[Geoffersonairplane]

We did argue a lot in the relationship, more so in the months leading up to the breakup but we always made up and most couples argue after the honeymoon period.

My biggest regret so far was crying in front of her when I went to see her 5 days after she phoned me up to tell me she wanted to finish it. She would not tell me to my face, but I rang her and said I need to see it from her face. I could not help crying though and I could see she was almost ready to breakdown into tears but was stronger. I think she had a big headstart on me in the grieving process, perhaps months, not sure but there were signs like when she said, I wish I was single again.

Even though she said to me in an e-mail, "I have moved on with someone, I suggest you do the same" I don't really think she wants to be in a relationship with anyone. Her mum told me that this was not true and that she said this to hurt me, push me away. The e-mail contact was in week 4 because she owed me money.

I think it is more likely that she is seeing different men, either dating and intimately because she always said, I wonder what it would be like with another man because I was her first so she never had the opportunity to experiment. I don't believe she is with one man in a new relationship but I guess that this is none of my business anyway.

[Geoffersonairplane]

She never worked out in the relationship or before it..She was too lazy although I suggested we could both do this together.

I just realised how funny that sounded.. LOL

I haven't laughed in weeks!

[chuff]

Well first let me say I think you've igorned the last couple posts by Tal and myself. You taking steps backwards not forward. None of this post has anything to do with you stopping this problem you have of beating yourself up. I'm not trying to discourage from writing it out and posting because if it gets some of the pain out than do it. But you've got to quit thinking so much of the past and start thinking about yourself, your future, and your own happiness.

All that being said I want to point out some things for you and if you ever get in this situation again.

My biggest regret so far was crying in front of her when I went to see her 5 days after she phoned me up to tell me she wanted to finish it. She would not tell me to my face, but I rang her and said I need to see it from her face. I could not help crying though and I could see she was almost ready to breakdown into tears but was stronger.

By doing this you gave her a lot of power and only confirmed to her that she could have you at any time. It sounds backwards to logic, and while... it is, but if she breaks up with you, you must start pulling away. Easier said then done for sure but by going to her and crying in front of her it lets her know that she has the power and is in complete control of you and this situation.

I think she had a big headstart on me in the grieving process, perhaps months, not sure but there were signs like when she said, I wish I was single again.

She sure did have a head start with the grieving process. She knew months in advance that this was not going to last. You even point out yourself that she made comments to you about how she wished she could experiment with other guys. The breakup was already going through her mind at that point. She was laying the groudwork and also giving herself an excuse to get out of this relationship. She may have even been putting "feelers" out to other guys that she was interested around that time.

Even though she said to me in an e-mail, "I have moved on with someone, I suggest you do the same" I don't really think she wants to be in a relationship with anyone. Her mum told me that this was not true and that she said this to hurt me, push me away. The e-mail contact was in week 4 because she owed me money.

First, quit listening to her mom. Her is either
a. lying to you to protect her daughter
b. doesn't have a clue what her daughter is doing.

Second going to her mom and asking about her about you ex only makes you look desperate and needy. It only continues to establish that you ex can have you and control you at any time.

I think it is more likely that she is seeing different men, either dating and intimately because she always said, I wonder what it would be like with another man because I was her first so she never had the opportunity to experiment. I don't believe she is with one man in a new relationship but I guess that this is none of my business anyway.

I hate to be brutal but you have got to start thinking about you. Who cares what she's doing. Quit contacting her and her family and her friends. You've got to completely remove yourself from this core group of people.

Also go get that gym membership I told you about or just start walking around the neighborhood.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Thanks Chuff,

I'm sorry if you think I am being ignorant by not listening to your advice, I really do understand what I need to do from your advice, it just take strength and I have got to find that strength now, stop dweling on the past.

One thing though, can I ask when you said, don't listen to her mum, she is either lying to protect her daughter, what did you mean? I would never hurt my ex in any way even if she was with someone else. She does not need protecting..

I really appreciate your help with all this chuff..

[rol]

Hi there,
Just read your thread... totally agree with the others... no contact for you. She's young 20, she needs to see others at this stage and then when she meets one jerk after another she will begin to see what she missed, a nice guy who loved her and wanted to marry her. So for you for sure do not contact her . Let her wonder and wonder...
I am sure she will be in contact. But when she does let her think you are completely fine and over the breakup,bey bsuy and mysterious, that will get her begging to come back.

[Sentra]

Sorry to hear about your heartbreak, Geoffersonairplane. No one, and I mean NO ONE, is worth the heartache or tears if they won't so much as give you the time of day. If she were worth it dear, she would still be with you instead of using a mere few days to end what the two of you had, then having the audacity to hint at asking for 'time off'.

That's so much bull, you did the right thing; if she wanted time, she should have purchased a watch.

I hope you are doing all right, just keep your head up.

[talaniman]

chuff-Had to spread it, but I thought you were so right on the money. A complete life makeover is needed and instead of dwelling on the ex an eye to the future with plenty of positive action is what this poster needs. Great job.
Goef-Forget about what her friends and family says, you where there and you know the truth. The no-contact applies to all of them also. Get about doing the things that make you happy without her and as hard as it is leave the past where it is. This is what we all have to deal with after the shock of an intense relationship that suddenly (for you anyway) stops. She had a huge headstart that you would have sensed and acted on, if you where not so deeply distracted. It will get better.

[chuff]

Thanks Chuff,

I'm sorry if you think I am being ignorant by not listening to your advice,

I in NO way think you are ignorant. I think your in pain. Your doing the right things though. Your seeking out help, and for the most part you listening to it. If you don't understand it your asking questions. I've been where you've been. I know it sucks but I'm telling you that I've gotten over it and you can too... and you will. You just have to give yourself permission to do that and quit beating yourself up.

Geoff people come to this message board all the time ask for advice similar to yours and when the answer comes back from multiple people that they need to stay away from the ex they ignore it thinking were all nuts. Then the problem either gets worse and you never here from them again or they come back and actually wonder why it got worse. That's ignorant! You at least searching. Your trying some new approaches to this problem. You're the best kind of person to offer help too. Your not ignoring us or so far go that you think we are all out to get you. Believe me, I realize you don't recognize this now but you've come a long way and you've made some positive steps. In time you'll look back and be happy she's gone.

I really do understand what I need to do from your advice, it just take strength and I have got to find that strength now, stop dweling on the past.

You've got the strength. The question is do you want to use it or do you want to continue beating yourself up. Trust me on this though, if you don't believe anything else I tell you, believe this.. You've got the strength.

One thing though, can I ask when you said, don't listen to her mum, she is either lying to protect her daughter, what did you mean?? I would never hurt my ex in any way even if she was with someone else. She does not need protecting..

I really appreciate your help with all this chuff..

Great question. I'm sure that you wouldn't hurt her. But look at it from her mom's point of view. You keep asking questions about her daughter and it's obvious that your not emotionally "well." Her mom has never seen you like this. It's probably somewhat scary for her to see you so upset and furthermore continue to ask and talk about the one person who just happens to be her child. On top of that, the questions your asking her mom have to do with who your ex is dating. Her mom is going to tell you whatever you want to hear. Truth is, I don't blame her. I'd do the same thing. It's none of your business at this point, and the truth it's not going to help you. So quit asking. In fact quit talking to her.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Great question. I'm sure that you wouldn't hurt her. But look at it from her mom's point of view. You keep asking questions about her daughter and it's obvious that your not emotionally "well." Her mom has never seen you like this. It's probably somewhat scary for her to see you so upset and furthermore continue to ask and talk about the one person who just happens to be her child. On top of that, the questions your asking her mom have to do with who your ex is dating. Her mom is going to tell you whatever you want to hear. Truth is, I don't blame her. I'd do the same thing. It's none of your business at this point, and the truth it's not going to help you. So quit asking. In fact quit talking to her.

Thanks for all your support here Chuff, went for a run today, just thinking about what you said about trying to get into fitness, working on me or at least starting to.

I don't want to analyse this too much but any contact I have had with her mum has purely been related to money owed to me by my ex (quite a bit at that) and also a reference request that I had to get permission for, for a job I applied for before we split, so it was all not related to my ex. The only thing I said in the conversation was how is she, is she o.k. and she would then move on to saying that she was still going out with friends, not seeing anyone and then saying she would not lie to me, even though I would not react to it, I would basically respond by saying "well it's none of my business if she was since we have finished".

I mean, it is possible Chuff that she is still doing this because she may be thinking that I contacted her to get this information but that is simply not true and it hurts for me to think that her mum would think that I am that unstable to hurt her daughter in any way... But like you say, looking at it from her point of view, she HAS NEVER seen me this emotionally upset before so how can she be sure.. It is mother's natural protective streak.
I really could not hurt a fly, well I tell a lie, I did hurt a fly once, but that was his fault, it did not stay off my food.. LOL.

This is why I am going to keep well away anyway, there is no need for me to speak to any of them anymore! And I have not spoke to her mum for weeks.

I think by the time (IF THAT COMES) my ex regrets the decision, I will have moved on with a better life!

[Geoffersonairplane]

Actually Chuff,

You are right, none of this is helping me, now I am trying to dwell on what her mum might think of me..

In reality, it does not matter since I am not part of their lives anymore, so what does it matter.

It's all about me now, and me only! I am completely detached from this situation anyway.

Furthermore, my realisation is that I was the one that was wronged and therefore I can pull away knowing that I did the best I could to make it all work out but there were too many things against the relationship.

A positive is that I am learning things I had my eyes closed to before..

I'm going to go for another run tomorrow, and look into joining a gym again next month.. Need to warm up a bit! (Been a while)

[chuff]

Thanks for all your support here Chuff, went for a run today, just thinking about what you said about trying to get into fitness, working on me or at least starting to.

Great. Run twice a day if you have too. I'm telling you at the very beginning or when ever your feeling depressed just drive yourself to exaustion. It will completely make you forget everything else going on in your life and it's also good for you.

I don't want to analyse this too much but any contact I have had with her mum has purely been related to money owed to me by my ex (quite a bit at that) and also a reference request that I had to get permission for, for a job I applied for before we split, so it was all not related to my ex. The only thing I said in the conversation was how is she, is she o.k. and she would then move on to saying that she was still going out with friends, not seeing anyone and then saying she would not lie to me, even though I would not react to it, I would basically respond by saying "well it's none of my business if she was since we have finished".

Why is it her mom's responsibility to pay for money owed by your ex? It still shows weakness when you bring up your ex to her mom. If her mom brought up your ex you should still change the subject. The very fact that her mom says "I would not lie to you" is your first clue that she's lying to you. You have to take control of the conversation with her.

I mean, it is possible Chuff that she is still doing this because she may be thinking that I contacted her to get this information but that is simply not true and it hurts for me to think that her mum would think that I am that unstable to hurt her daughter in any way...

Dude. Seriously, now you sound like your upset because of the break up with the mother. You have created this fantasy land where everything was perfect. She may be a great woman but she's not perfect and she's not even your ex. She's your ex's mother. I'll say it again, STOP TALKING TO THESE PEOPLE. Your ex. Your ex's mother. Your ex's friends. Your ex's dog. Anything your ex please remove yourself from now.

But like you say, looking at it from her point of view, she HAS NEVER seen me this emotionally upset before so how can she be sure..It is mother's natural protective streak. I really could not hurt a fly, well I tell a lie, I did hurt a fly once, but that was his fault, it did not stay off my food..LOL.

Actually you are hurting someone. The most important person in your life, yourself. You just continue to beat yourself up and make yourself the victim over and over. The break up was bad enough but then you keep punishing yourself. STOP IT!!

Ok you got dumped. No question she gave up a compassionate, caring person. That's her loss. If she want's someone that is not that good for her. I've got think there's a compassionate, caring person somewhere in that would appreciate you. Even if there isn't that doesn't give you the right to beat yourself up like this.

This is why I am going to keep well away anyway, there is no need for me to speak to any of them anymore!! and I have not spoke to her mum for weeks.

Good, now don't speak to her again. Ever.

I think by the time (IF THAT COMES) my ex regrets the decision, I will have moved on with a better life!

Good and while your moving on with your life forget about what she regrets because it isn't going to help you.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Thanks Chuff!!

I want to say that I appreciate everyone's advice, and the advice I have got from you chuff over the last couple of days really has opened my eyes and I WON'T ignore it for my own sake...

I have no further questions for now as I believe everyone has said as much as is needed for me to help myself recover and progress so I will therefore keep you ALL posted on my progress.

Thanks Again guys and gals..

Geoff..

[Geoffersonairplane]

Hi,

No dreams about her last night.. At least none that I remember, that is the first time in 9 weeks. That must be a sign that I am making some progress, not thinking too much about her.

Sometimes I wish I could meet a new woman now and just forget about her but I know that this is foolish and would be a rebound. I am not ready to start any kind of relationship until I am fully over this.

One question though? Perhaps I should not be asking this on here because tal and chuff have already told me this is backwards thinking but I just need to ask it.

I know that she is going out, having fun, with her friends e.t.c. e.t.c. if she were to be with someone else at this point, would that be classed as a rebound?

Does it really matter? This is my 2 steps back again I think, wondering what she is doing, who she is with...

[rol]

Yes would most possible be a rebound. And it would be good for her actually , it might wake her up to see what she lost as there are sooo many jerks out there.
Yeah don't think of her , and don't think of a new woman yet, good to focus on yourself and heal from this one.

[talaniman]

Hi,

No dreams about her last night..At least none that I remember, that is the first time in 9 weeks. That must be a sign that I am making some progress, not thinking to much about her.

Sometimes I wish I could meet a new woman now and just forget about her but I know that this is foolish and would be a rebound. I am not ready to start any kind of relationship until I am fully over this.

One question though? Perhaps I should not be asking this on here because tal and chuff have already told me this is backwards thinking but I just need to ask it.

I know that she is going out, having fun, with her friends e.t.c. e.t.c. if she were to be with someone else at this point, would that be classed as a rebound??

Does it really matter? This is my 2 steps back again I think, wondering what she is doing, who she is with...

Actually you ask a very good question. First remember that when break-ups occur, the person that initiates the break-up has such a head start in the healing game that they are not in the same same shock you are and have had a lot more time to accept this break-up and move on. Many times they have not invested emotionally the way you have either and are actually glad to be free of you, and have been looking around for some time. They don't have the emotional baggage that you carry and while you grieve, they are well down the road to the next relationship. In most cases, not all, they have nothing to heal from, since they're hearts weren't ripped out and their minds were made up already. Hope this puts things in better perspective for you.

[Geoffersonairplane]

Ouch!! That hit a nerve tal..

But I need to accept that what you have said there is very true indeed..

Just have to keep telling myself to let go...

[chuff]

I agree 100% with Tal. So much in fact I was going to spread some reputation but for some reason this website limits that to folks who provide consistent good advice. But I digress...

Geoff, you ex knew this relationship was over long before you did. She knew it was over while she was still in it with you. Just going by some of the things you wrote it appears she knew it at least 6 months ago if not longer.