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slapshot_oi · Jun 10, 2009, 12:34 PM

Well, it's rude if you do it on the first date, but women like a man who knows what he wants.

Originally Posted by kochi

lol.. thanks for the response.
She wont even get on top during sex.. (she gets upset if I ask her.)

I am not allowed to kiss, or touch let alone give oral.

I have to hurry up and "get it over with."

Oh man that's awful. I wouldn't last four weeks let alone four years, you're a better man than I.

redhed35 · Jun 10, 2009, 12:50 PM

Hey,I've been following this thread,and I feel for your girlfriend.. I don't really feel so bad for you,you can make a choice,you can leave and start over,it does sound like your going to stay,and I doubt after 4 years things will change regarding your sex life,but your girlfriend.. she has no choice.. this is happening to her.
My advice,leave... or accept this is the way things are for now.

nikosmom · Jun 10, 2009, 01:05 PM

Originally Posted by redhed35

..i dont really feel so bad for you,you can make a choice,you can leave and start over...she has no choice..this is happening to her.
my advice,leave...or accept this is the way things are for now.

I do feel bad for him. It seems he's been pretty patient with the situation. Sex is an integral part of a healthy relationship. Both partners' needs should be met. True enough, she has some physical and mental issues she must deal with but it's affecting both of them.

It's obvious that he loves her very much and doesn't want to leave her at the drop of a hat over this. I think he must be in a terrible position to love someone so much yet to have dealt with lack of affection for 4 years. It speaks volumes that he hasn't used this as an excuse to cheat.

Her issue with painful sex is one thing, but to not even hold hands and kiss? To be disgusted by him wanting to be affectionate in other ways? I do feel sorry for him.

redhed35 · Jun 10, 2009, 01:13 PM

It is a tough situation,for both parties.. I agree with the main body of posts that kissing and touching is so important,he's not going to leave but he has the choice too.
I just feel for this girl.

talaniman · Jun 10, 2009, 02:18 PM

She probably has a story behind her actions, would be my guess. I would sure find out.

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 02:18 PM

I feel really bad for her too, and feel like I'm not going to be like "oh well, you dont like sex, well fine, im outta here."
I have asked her, what do you want me to do, what can I do.
I have offered to go to a therapist with her and me, tell me what to do.
Cause everything I do is wrong. If I don't ask she gets mad, if I ask she gets mad.

talaniman · Jun 10, 2009, 02:43 PM

Is there ever a time you two enjoy each other?

Does she ever make you feel like she appreciates you (other than the bedroom)?

Does she have some strong positives that make you stay?

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 04:52 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Is there ever a time you two enjoy each other?

Does she ever make you feel like she appreciates you (other than the bedroom)?

Does she have some strong positives that make you stay??

Yeah when sex or affection is not an issue.

Mm, honestly it doesn't feel like it... I asked her one day, "what is is that we share?" IM not sure anymore what the or if there are positives left. It makes it a bitter situation.

Its kind of like a cut on your arm that won't heal, and just is raw allllllll the time. And its not just sex it's the fact that there is no intimacy at all. Even when we go to bed, I can not touch here, she sleeps on the opposite side of the bed and if my leg or anything comes that side...

nikosmom · Jun 10, 2009, 05:01 PM

Originally Posted by kochi

Yeah when sex or affection is not an issue.

mm, honestly it doesnt feel like it... I asked her one day, "what is is that we share?" IM not sure anymore what the or if there are positives left. It makes it a bitter situation.

Its kinda like a cut on your arm that wont heal, and just is raw allllllll the time. And its not just sex its the fact that there is no intimacy at all. Even when we go to bed, I can not touch here, she sleeps on the opposite side of the bed and if my leg or anything comes that side.....

Honestly it doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship left. Beyond the sex, the fact that there's no affection whatsoever and you're not even allowed to touch her, well that's not OK. You're not happy and deserve to be.

And the fact that you liken your relationship to a bothersome cut says it all. You may have to get the courage and get out of this relationship. Not because there's no sex. But there's no intimacy whatsoever.

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 05:13 PM

I likened the situation as a cut on your body that doesn't heal.
While the rest of you body might be OK, the fact that you have a serious cut on your arm that is not healing kind of starts to affect a lot.

SO the fact that there is NO intimacy of any kind in the relationship kind of leaves you feeling empty... so ye sure we got to all the restaurants, movies etc... it just no the same

nikosmom · Jun 10, 2009, 05:25 PM

Then what you have is a platonic friend.

liz28 · Jun 10, 2009, 06:00 PM

I don't how or why your staying in this dead end relationship. This relationship is lacking so much and if she can have an open, honesty discussion with you after 4 years she never will be able to.

Call me crazy but I would have been left. You're a strong person for staying because I couldn't.

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 06:08 PM

Originally Posted by liz28

I don't how or why your staying in this dead end relationship. This relationship is lacking so much and if she can have an open, honesty discussion with you after 4 years she never will be able to.

Call me crazy but I would have been left. Your a strong person for staying because I couldn't.

That is a funny funny funny quote by the way... love it.

I do love (and care) that is something that is keeping me here. I keep thinking that it'll change, It will get better, when she realizes this or that, or if she finally this...

Its funny cause she told me she resents me for making her have (submitting) sex!! So now she is ending up hating and resenting me because of sex/intimacy but has not left because she still loves me. And she has sex cause she knows that she would have to have it with who ever she is with...

liz28 · Jun 10, 2009, 06:45 PM

Have your girlfriend ever been rape or molested in the past? Maybe as a child?

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 07:10 PM

no... that would seem to make the most sense.

:)

liz28 · Jun 10, 2009, 07:19 PM

Well, since she won't talk to you about things it would be hard to find out.

kochi · Jun 10, 2009, 08:32 PM

I mean no she has not been...

Apparently cause of the vulvadynia she hates sex and has come to have a whole lot of psychological blocks too.

roxypox · Jun 11, 2009, 09:43 AM

I would leave if I were in your situation... when come to think about it... I kind of did leave a relationship because of lack of intimacy...

Originally Posted by kochi

that is a funny funny funny quote btw.... love it.

I do love (and care) that is something that is keeping me here. I keep thinking that itll change, It will get better, when she realizes this or that, or if she finally this.....

its funny cause she told me she resents me for making her have (submitting) sex!!!! So now she is ending up hating and resenting me because of sex/intimacy but has not left because she still loves me. And she has sex cause she knows that she would have to have it with who ever she is with...

I don't know, I must say that I admire that you stay out of love, but at the same time it kind of feels like you are staying out of false hope that it will get better.

Can it get better when she is resentful towards you for wanting or even needing intimacy?

It really must be a terrible situation for the both of you and in the long run it really might be better if both of you let go of the relationship. Can it really go anywhere?

Has she thought about therapy? For the psychological blocks... or maybe find something to ease the pain? I read something about this on the mayoclinic site. I can try to find a link... if she wants to ease it or even wants intimacy at this point... Why does she stay with you?

88sunflower · Jun 11, 2009, 10:57 AM

Ok for some reason this thought just hit me. While I do feel for both sides because clearly she is struggling with some kind of issue. But to not want any kind of touching or kissing either is crazy. Now here is an off the wall question. Is there a slight tiny chance she is struggling with her sexuality??

justcurious55 · Jun 11, 2009, 11:19 AM

I'm surprised we none of us thought of that question sooner. Even when I don't want to have sex with my boyfriend I usually like to cuddle up with him and kiss him...