[kay84]

Hi hun
She mite have ocd's about things but the main thing is was you happy wiv her or not if so then talk to her and tell her how she made you feel and b littled you but if you wasn't happy with her anyway and don't won't to be wiv her then stay away hun xx

[artlady]

Hey, thanks for the Info. Is this a personality they will have for life?

I think some personality characteristics are hard wired and very unlikely to change.
This isn't just a bad habit that needs attention,this is her personality ,so I do not think there is a very good likelihood of change.
For her to be so judgmental and bossy so early in the relationship,when she should be on her best behavior is a red flag.
Perhaps she was even holding back and there was more she wanted to change about you.
That is the type of person who will never be easy to please and it is really just asking for problems.
Find someone who accepts you for who you are so you can be yourself and enjoy one another.

[markerman]

I think some personality characteristics are hard wired and very unlikely to change.
This isn't just a bad habit that needs attention,this is her personality ,so I do not think there is a very good likelihood of change.
For her to be so judgmental and bossy so early in the relationship,when she should be on her best behavior is a red flag.
Perhaps she was even holding back and there was more she wanted to change about you.
That is the type of person who will never be easy to please and it is really just asking for problems.
Find someone who accepts you for who you are so you can be yourself and enjoy one another.

Great answer! Thanks! That made me feel so much better... This is such a good site because it is hard for me to see because I was caught in the middle... Thanks again... :)

[N0help4u]

This is the way I see it.
I kind of think that she has the same standards instilled in her that her parents expect.

More than likely she is conditioned to try to please her parents. If she wasn't then she would say things like, "Those shoes are okay but when we go to my parents wear these shoes instead''.
She should make a distinction of what bothers her from what she feels will get her parents going. Like tell you, ''When we are around my family do this and that but not these things''.

You need to have a talk with her. Ask her why does she try to change you so much instead of accepting you as you are. If she says to make her family happy ask her what about her happiness and what she likes. Tell her to find another way to tell you things. Like 'chomping loud on food drives me up a wall' and 'when you go to buy another pair of shoes could we pick them out together?'

She needs to learn constructive criticisism rather than put down type complaining.

But since she is your ex you really don't need to tell her anything but it would be nice to explain this to her for her benefit.

[markerman]

To be honest with you that is very obvious....who is she looking for? Sure we want our families to get along with the love of our lives, but to tell you that they are still checking you out so to say. For me I don't want to be with a man unless there was qualities I already foresaw that I appreciated. For example I recently got together with my first true love from back in high school and I can't even remember what shoes he wore when I visited him. I know he wore jeans and t-shirts. We went out to a play and a nice dinner and he dressed up.... for me (his decision). If he had wanted to have worn a nice aloha shirt and casual pants or whatever. I want the man for who he is mentally, physically, and spiritually. YES, she is a CONTROL FREAK because in order for her to be happy she thinks she has to have everything a certain way. If I were you the next time you run into a woman like that tell her then why did you go out to dinner with me?

Your right! She does have to make everything her way to be happy... That is crazy..
I am guessing this won't change over time. Is this a mental disorder?

[N0help4u]

It is just something ingrained in her that she needs to make a conscious effort to change or be lonely until she realizes it unless she finds someone that puts up with it.

[HuggyKat]

Hey, thanks for the great feedback! It made me feel alot better...:)

My pleasure, Markerman! Happy to help. Love is a very scary and wonderful and elusive creature - many people think that they have found "the one" because, at that moment, their heart has never been happier and that all the world is dancing to the music their heart. If only it were that easy, but it's not. Folks would spare themselves some heartache along the way if they (you) would let your instincts be your guide - go with what you feel. Inside. And trust that. We may fall to our knees many times looking for that one special someone who fills out heart with joy. And it is only those with skinned knees that will know when it is time to stop looking - for the right person will be beside them. You will know. You'll feel it. And the feeling will be unmistakable. Don't give up. She's out there... xo

[KikiGirl13]

Sounds like she is a control freak. There's nothing wrong with wanting to change behaviors with someone's eating, but only if you eat rudely (slurping, gulping, etc), but if you eat normally, then yeah... she's controlling. Or she wants to look good in front of her friends. She think's you'll embarrass her.

[markerman]

Well, I sent one of those letters after I got dumped, and didn't get any response at all. Honestly, if you can deal with knowing that they may not even read it (or might even delete it!) then go ahead and send it. However, you need to accept your situation and realize that your words will have very little meaning to them right now. They expect you to lash out, and they will not take you as seriously as you want them to.

If it was my decision, I would simply be happy that I realized how bad it was for myself, and thus it would be that much easier to get over them and stop worry about what they thought. I'm guessing your breakup was fairly recent, and you're experiencing the normal feelings right now. Just realize that the sooner you can go No Contact, the better.

~ Tee

Hey dude, thanks for the advice.

[talaniman]

If your ex treated you bad when you dated, but you put up with it hoping it would get better,

For one thing you don't let someone treat you bad so the relationship would be over as soon as they tried.

Ain't that much love in the world, to let someone to treat you bad.

[Torrid13]

From what I've seen, they try to gain more control, and this generally leads to violence, especially when the person they are trying to control fights back.

Some may feel suddenly insecure and distance themselves, but generally "controller" type people have anger issues... and they don't like to "lose."

[N0help4u]

They don't withdrawal they try and get more power by maybe becoming more verbally or pyshically abusive. If you defy them then they are going to do whatever it takes to stop you. Like they say no going out and you go out they take your car keys. They say you can't be on the internet and you go on the internet they either shut your service off or break your computer or whatever it takes.
Anything they don't like and you do anyway they find a way to either break it or stop you from doing it.
If they withdraw it is more to manipulate you like okay you didn't make dinner right tonight or you didn't do enough chores today so you do not deserve any attention so no sex tonight.

[E12191G]

If a relationship has controlled its not a healthy one. Therefor the people in it shouldn't be. So what the wuestion is WHY ARE PEOPLE DUMB ENOUGH TO STAY IN THEM? Just my opinion

[markerman]

They don't withdrawal they try and get more power by maybe becoming more verbally or pyshically abusive. If you defy them then they are going to do whatever it takes to stop you. Like they say no going out and you go out they take your car keys. They say you can't be on the internet and you go on the internet they either shut your service off or break your computer or whatever it takes.
Anything they don't like and you do anyway they find a way to either break it or stop you from doing it.
If they withdraw it is more to manipulate you like okay you didn't make dinner right tonight or you didn't do enough chores today so you do not deserve any attention so no sex tonight.

What if they can't stop you ? What if a guy keeps going out with his friends even thought the controlling girl which he doesn't live with gets mad. What if he statrs to prove the controlling girlfriend wrong when she thinks she is always right ? What if he takes her control away from her ? Wouldn't the control freak start to feel very unhappy and want out of the relationship ? I read online that loseing their control is not an option, and they may become detached and distant from you, then ened the relationship. Also they tend to threaten Their love, friendship, if they feel you someone is threatening them. They will use whatever arsenal theY have?

[N0help4u]

When the control freak is a girl then she most likely has other issues like insecurity, jealousy and self image. You should talk to her and ask her exactly why she treats you the way she does and talk to her about a compromise.
Like discuss that you will call her after a couple hours, you will tell her where you are going, and when you will be back.
Like I am not a control freak or insecure or any of that but if you are living with the person I think it is only common curtousy to let the people you live with know these things.

She will not withdraw she will nag more and become unbearable with attitude.
If she is threatening to stop loving you if you do what ever then she is manipulating and the relationship isn't worth two cents!

[markerman]

Just some examples... The relationship started with her being really sweet and caring, but then slowly she started to turn very dominate, controlling and manipulating, well so I am starting to think... Maybe you can help me realize since you are looking at it from the outside. She would get mad at me, and It would bother her so much If I don't hold my "fork" how she wants me to when "eating". She will say to me out loud in a restaurant "eat properly" with this upset look on her face. Then she would say "you don't even realize your doing it" with the same upset look on her face. It seemed to bother her so much. Once I showed her online that my way of eating was called continental style, she got mad, and said she didn't even want to watch the video, and hen still refused that my way could be proper. No one has ever told me I eat improperly before, not even my own mom. She also told me I need new shoes, then showed me which ones I should get. It wasn't about my shoes I think... It was she wanted me to have a certain kind because If it was just new shoes, any new ones would have done... right? When she showed me which ones I should buy, I told her they were ugly and I liked mine better, its my style. I told her "I think I know style and that wasn't it". I was pushing her back right? I was standing up for myself, but it didn't help only got worse. She once also laughed at a shirt I had on, then I put a different one on, and then she said to me " that shirt you just had on was ugly" Like it was a shirt from the Gap, nothing bad.

She gets jealous and accuse me of flirting and checking out other girls when I actually never. Once she asked me if my girl coworkers I was working with for the day was good looking or not. Once I was talking to her roommate, then after she said to me "I am glad you didn't talk to her for very long" what's that about?
Then when paying for the supper bill she accused me of flirting with the girl at the check out.
She would also give me for things I said that weren't even that bad. Once I went with her to a play her friend was in. After the play we went to talk to her friend. I told her friend, "Good job on the play, I thought you were the best actress out there! My girl then says to me later "Why did you tell her she was the best in the play? You made her feel very uncomfortable, don't do that again"....the other day she told me I am still being jugged by her friends and family??
I am allergic to honey. And I was out for dinner with her and her brother. Her brother grabbed a jam, and I said to him "I am glad you picked jam because I am allergic to honey. Then my girl friend who at the start of our relationship was always concerned about my allergy, and who was sitting right beside me and heard me say that to her brother said " I want honey on my toast" Even her brother told her to smarten up and I got upset, so she never ended up putting it on her toast. Like what the heck, no consideration for me. If I kissed her later I could die. It was almost like she didn't even want honey; she was almost trying to see how much she could push me, or acting out? She is also a nurse so she should know what can happen. Maybe it was almost like act of violence? If she was allergic to something, I know I would stay away from it altogether because I care for her.

The other day we were walking on campus, and she seen this guy she new. I didn't even know she knew this guy so I kind of kept my walking pace. She then goes up t him and gives him a hug. I then came over and I talked with him and my girl introduced us. Not a big deal right. Lots of girls have guy friends. As soon as we got into her place she says to me " you were jealouse that I hug that guy wernt you ?" I told her no I wasn't, I don't care if you have guy friends. Then she says " you were jealous thats why you kept walking" She got all made at me . And really it wasn't like I walked a mile away, it was like 3 septs before I knew we were stoping to talk to this guy. Lately she has also been correcting me a lot on little things, also criticizing me too... What's this about??

One day I was waiting for her to get done her university class, so I grabed a coffee while I waited. I waited about 20 min, and then I met up with her. When she seen me she said "where is my coffee... I can't believe you never got be a coffee... She made such a big deal about it. I mean I was waiting for her. Then later on that day after I took her out for supper she wanted me to pull into starbucks so she could get a coffee. She then returns with 2 coffees, and says to me "See I got you a coffee because I am a good person"...??? Like what the heck was she doing? She was trying to make me feel bad i think on purpose. And the crazy thing is Its not like I dont do thinks or buy things for her. I would take her out for suppers and pay, Concerts, Buy flowers on special occasions, ect... Like what was she trying to do ? How does this relate to her controlling behaviour ? Once again my behaviour fell short..

Once when she came over when my buddies where over, after my friends left she said to me "you didn't even hug me when I came in" I mean I never seen her for a week, but my friends were over and we were relaxing ? My behaviour fell short again.
Can you please analyze this for me? I know I am a mess because of her. And we broke up, and 4 months later she has another guy, and I am still hurting!

Was she a Control freak ? Maybe Boarderline Personality disorder?

Thank you for helping me!

[basketballlover]

All right she is a major controlling person. You should be glad you aren't with her anymore. Its her loss. Not yours. You sound like a really nice person and it sounds like you were doing nothing wrong.

[Sprung09]

I think that "yes" she does sound controlling. But if you broke up four months ago and you just wrote all of this then you needed to vent. Hopefully this helped you get over her a little bit. You just needed to get it all out no matter who listened and don't worry, she was controlling and remember that time heals all wounds.

[TrueFaith]

Wow hey.. maybe she should think less about how people eat.. and more about keep a good guy in her life.

People like that will always be alone, unless they find a yes man. Then that's just as bad as being alone.

So in the end.. She will lose out
You sound like a real nice guy and that relationship just made me angry.
I'm shocked you put up with it as much as you did..

If it happens again.. like this.. just say.. -If I wanted to be told how to do everything.. I would be dating my mom.. yeah--

Easy way to stop someone who is controlling
Make them out to be your mom.
If they keep on.. then leave

[markerman]

wow hey.. maybe she should think less about how people eat.. and more about keep a good guy in her life.

people like that will always be alone, unless they find a yes man. then thats just as bad as being alone.

So in the end.. She will lose out
you sound like a real nice guy and that relationship just made me angry.
im shocked you put up with it as much as you did..

if it happens again.. like this.. just say.. -If i wanted to be told how to do everything.. i would be dating my mom.. yeah--

easy way to stop someone who is controlling
make them out to be your mom.
if they keep on.. then leave

4 days ago she sent me an email saying hi. What is she doing? I never responded at all. What should I do ?