[PatBateman]

I believe you want help and you've made a good start sharing some of your "inner" life, yes. And more vulnerable information gets more solution, I think. There are rules here to anyone abusing you with it too, okay?

The counselor -- how long have you been seeing them and what topics did you ask them to cover?

I like the distance you have put in your parents relationship. Its self caring, self protecting while still,hopefully, respectful of them too. That is an important skill to have, Pat. Lets go find some more of those skills, okay?

Thirdly, that overbearing need you have (called intimacy and I don't just mean sexual either, okay? LOL) is normal and just being terribly mismanaged (by a guy who probably has skills up the ying yang he isn't using on this problem too -- we'll see!). It needs to be spread out among multiple sources so please make a list for me of other sources you currently have and don't have. Its okay to list it here, nothing confidential about it.

I've been seeing the counselor (a woman by the way) since June. Once a week, for an hour. I originally sought her because I have anger management issues (stemming from resent from my parents, abuse, etc) but also the break up. For some reason, the break up calmed me down and I'm no longer angry anymore. I realized that anger only comes from pain, and now, I've turned into some girly man... lol... I let my true feelings of sadness show. I guess being a is better than punching walls.

Yeah, I do have an overbearing need for intimacy. I just want to be loved I guess. I never felt that growing up.

I don't understand what you mean by listing other sources of skills. Can you be more specific? Like, list my good traits? Personality wise?

[valinors_sorrow]

I've been seeing the counselor (a woman by the way) since June. Once a week, for an hour. I originally saught her because I have anger management issues (stemming from resent from my parents, abuse, etc) but also the break up. For some reason, the break up calmed me down and I'm no longer angry anymore. I realized that anger only comes from pain, and now, I've turned into some girly man...lol...I let my true feelings of sadness show. I guess being a is better than punching walls.

Yeah, I do have an overbearing need for intimacy. I just want to be loved I guess. I never felt that growing up.

I don't understand what you mean by listing other sources of skills. Can you be more specific? Like, list my good traits? Personality wise?

Counsleor: I am glad you are seeing the counselor and its fitting it's a woman too. Better had it been a man (more on that later maybe). Please take up at your next session your concern that you don't seem to be getting anywhere. That is valid. If it should turn to your switching to another counselor, don't panic and don't hesitate to take her recoommendations if she makes any, particularly if it's a man, okay? This is not unusual in the business. You need a good fit and I am wondering, if you have one at this point.

Lists: You need reliable sources for experiencing intimacy. People, places and things that touch you deeply, that validate you (nevermind all that success stuff too, okay, its clearly not touching you deeply enough) Make two lists. One list outlining where you currently are getting that sort of intimacy from, if at all. Another list where you think people usually get it from that you currently aren't. No cheating and asking others here either LOL :p

[momincali]

Pat, you seem pretty sure that something is going to happen soon, that she's going to dump you. Why are you waiting for that shoe to fall? Since you have already figured out that she's not the one for you and she feels the same, why not beat her to the punch. Why not call her up and tell her "look, its been sweet, but we both know this isn't working out for either of us and I think it's time we went our separate ways..." Don't be rude or mean, but short and sweet. This way, when you go to the party, you'll have a good time, not waiting for her to walk up to you and say... "we have to talk...".

You do have a life Pat, don't let her tell you that you don't. You have a good job and you're saving money to buy a new car. You're actively looking for an apartment, you work out, you hang with your friends... you're living life, but life is constantly changing and we have to keep up. You want a new job that pays more, what can you do to prepare yourself for that? Is there anything you can study, take a class?? You work out and are in great shape, can you spare some time volunteering at the Y to help young boys get involved in a sport?? Life is a challenge and its our job to meet it and then some. It's good you do things for yourself, spend some time looking to see if you can do something for someone else.

[PatBateman]

Pat, you seem pretty sure that something is going to happen soon, that she's gonna dump you. Why are you waiting for that shoe to fall? Since you have already figured out that she's not the one for you and she feels the same, why not beat her to the punch. Why not call her up and tell her "look, its been sweet, but we both know this isn't working out for either of us and I think it's time we went our separate ways..." Don't be rude or mean, but short and sweet. This way, when you go to the party, you'll have a good time, not waiting for her to walk up to you and say..."we have to talk...".

You do have a life Pat, don't let her tell you that you don't. You have a good job and you're saving money to buy a new car. You're actively looking for an apartment, you work out, you hang with your friends...you're living life, but life is constantly changing and we have to keep up. You want a new job that pays more, what can you do to prepare yourself for that? Is there anything you can study, take a class??? You work out and are in great shape, can you spare some time volunteering at the Y to help young boys get involved in a sport??? Life is a challenge and its our job to meet it and then some. It's good you do things for yourself, spend some time looking to see if you can do something for someone else.

A pre-emptive breakup... lol. We're not even a couple... haha. Interesting idea, but I don't really have the time or effort to think up what to say, and frankly I don't care.

What it boils down to is that she knows she's being used as a rebound and she wants out. That's fair. I was in denial at first, but after seeing her and dreaming about my ex every night I realized too that she was a rebound. Who was I kidding? Would we have worked otherwise? No... she has too many character flaws and other flaws that I normally wouldn't look twice at. I just took whatever came my way.

If she wants to end it, I'll let her do it. And when she gives me her whole prepared speech, I'll say "Sure...sounds good."

[valinors_sorrow]

A pre-emptive breakup...lol. We're not even a couple...haha. Interesting idea, but I don't really have the time or effort to think up what to say, and frankly I don't care.

What it boils down to is that she knows she's being used as a rebound and she wants out. That's fair. I was in denial at first, but after seeing her and dreaming about my ex every night I realized too that she was a rebound. Who was I kidding? Would we have worked otherwise? No...she has too many character flaws and other flaws that I normally wouldn't look twice at. I just took whatever came my way.

If she wants to end it, I'll let her do it. And when she gives me her whole prepared speech, I'll say "Sure...sounds good."

Man, I got to tell you Pat, that comes off as pretty cold, if not down right disrespectful of women. Do you not have some inkling of remorse using her like that or is it dog eat dog in the relationship arena for you? Look at how cavalier you sound in this post... not good! She might not have been up to your standards (rebounds seldom are) but sheeeeesh, you USED her. How do you do that and still maintain you are a decent guy? Here is the bottom line, never mind any lists... you use your hurt to be a rationalization to allow you to use, and hurt, others. No one in their right mind is going to want to risk getting close to someone like that. Most of us know better and the rest, well they are behaving like you are or worse. Time to really look at yourself, dude. I think that is what you need to change and trust me, it is changeable unless you are a sociopath.

[PatBateman]

My attitude towards the situation is part of my problem

[valinors_sorrow]

My attitude towards the situation is part of my problem

Yeah, to say the least. I think it goes far deeper than that. I would also consider losing the id too, unless you admire sociopaths (I just now put the connection together -- from American Psycho, if I am not mistaken). Ugh.

[PatBateman]

Haha, it's just one of my fave movies, that's all. I like weird thinking movies like that.

[valinors_sorrow]

Haha, it's just one of my fave movies, that's all. I like wierd thinking movies like that.

That said, you resemble him more than you might care to acknowledge perhaps. Enough to call off all bets from me. Sorry.

[PatBateman]

What does that mean? No help from you?

It's just a movie... besides, I don't need to be accused of resembling some cinematic character right now. That's just... silly.

[momincali]

Pat - I'm not really buying the whole she's really a rebound and I'm done using her bit. Based on what I've read from all of your posts, you did invest in this gal. I wonder if you would still be going to her house every weekend if she hadn't of spoken up?? Doesn't really matter. You can take what I suggested as a pre-emptive break up, but that wasn't the purpose. The purpose was to get you back on track so you can go on with your life. I know life hasn't stopped for you, and it shouldn't, but you have to admit there was a slight blip, right?

You say you don't care but you know that you do or you wouldn't be here. You say you don't have the time or want to put any effort into thinking of what to say, I think that's baloney too, you're not expected to make a speech. But, in any case, handle it any way you think is best.

[PatBateman]

Using her wasn't my intention, but at the end of the day, that was what I was doing wasn't it?

See, all of this isn't about understanding the girl or the situation, but rather myself, I have realized. Why do I do these things?

I did invest in this girl. I guess I saw traits in her that I saw in my ex... traits that I look for in a girl. So I guess I saw something I liked, saw something that made me feel comfortable, and went for it.

But still, the fact that I jumped into it made this a rebound, which = me using her.

[valinors_sorrow]

What does that mean? No help from you?

It's just a movie...besides, I don't need to be accused of resembling some cinematic character right now. That's just...silly.

You accuse yourself using the name LOL. Yes, that is what I mean. You ought to be more careful throwing crap around, playing head games, and demonstrating all the sincerity of Eddie Haskell. You wonder how you lose people? This is how.

I am not the least bit angry with you, should you think it's that. I am just not seeing any point in working with you. I honestly wish you well.

[Wildcat21]

Yeah - this getting a little jaded now. More info coming out.

[PatBateman]

So help me out guys...

I will answer any question with complete truth so you can get the picture.

[talaniman]

I don't have any female friends. None.

I didn't even know how to talk to girls until this one. Well, besides my ex.

I feel that all the girls my age are older than me. I feel intimidated and young. It's wierd.

Maybe this girl can be my first female friend? She is nice...it'd be a pity to just let it go to waste.

I thought as much from reading All your post that you have no clue what a female is about and that one long term relationship did very little to prepare you for dealing with females in general. I suggest you stop looking for a relationship with anyone right now and just be friends, (this may mean NO SEX) Your are way too uptight to be ready for a healthy relationship and I hope you will take the time to make friends with a lot of females. That rebound stuff you're talking about is so much hogwash and is an excuse for you to hide behind. Don't believe you!

[PatBateman]

So you're saying it wasn't a rebound and it's just that I don't know how to deal with women?

[talaniman]

I'm saying you have a whole lot to learn about women and it could be a lot of fun with the right attitude. I really think that your problem stems from you searching for something to make you happy. Not going to find it and that rebound stuff allows you to shift responsibility from you to your IN-experience. So self serving and useless. A guy who has no female FRIENDS sends out red flags to me all over the place. Sorry It is beyond my comprehension. How do you expect a relationship if you can't be friends?

[Skell]

I can only add one more time to this whole thing what I have suggested in every single response I have made to your threads.

Give up on the women and sort yourself out.

Pretty clear Pat. You want me to say it again. I can't spell it out any clearer but you always seem to refuse this piece of advice. I will offer it one last time.

No women, no relationships. Nothing. Sort you out. You need to!

[PatBateman]

How do I sort myself out? I don't know where to start...

There is nothing wrong with me career wise... I have a good education and I have goals. I am very motivated in that sense.

So, what the heck to I do?