[Dare81]

Good to hear that you are getting better. It's a roller coaster ride.Soon you will realize that you are better off without her..

[talaniman]

Naturally they've failed miserably but at least I'm getting out.

Define failed miserably.

[BrokenTrev]

Define failed miserably.

Over in an hour. No interest. No second date. No further contact.

[findnsellnotes]

The saying "To get over someone is to get under the next" is painfully true. You should not be hung up on her and her "next" but get out and find your "next". This happened to me too. I feel for you. The best way I handled it was to put a smile on my face everyday as hard as that was and move forward. My partner loved put the "next" in my face, making it harder to move on. I kept my smile and pretended that I was happy that the relationship was working knowing inside it was killing me softly. My ex couldn't stand that I was OK with the whole thing and thought I would bug for him back. Because like you I was with out a job had to move into my parents place oh and I was having his child. I gave birth found a job and got back out on my own. I dressed to the "nine" and cont. smiling as his relationship fell to pieces and I MOVED on. It gets easier trust me. Its somewhat like a 12 step program, take one day at a time.;)

[emg13]

Oh, honey, I feel your pain so much. I'm in a different situation now, but in 2006, my girlfriend of 5 years left me. I was positively heartbroken, even though the relationship was borderline abusive, so I can't even imagine how someone who had been HAPPY feels. I dated too soon, too, and I didn't end up feeling "ready" to date until nearly 2 years after the breakup. I'm so glad that you're starting to feel better.

And, dude, 28 is YOUNG. I'm 26, so I'm not that far behind you. You will meet someone and be a great husband and father. You'll see.

[chuff]

I'm confused by this entire post.

I don't want to admit it but I've made steps forward. I've

Why would you not want to admit that?

been on a few dates even though I know I'm not ready. Naturally they've failed miserably but at least I'm getting out.

I'm not sure if this is the right answer now. I think right now you should focus on rebuilding your confidence. You say you have been on a few dates but they've failed miserably, so you bring yourself right back down. I say work one bringing that confidence up then date because I think this could create a cycle that might be hard to break.

Also, you are looking at this all wrong. It should be, "I just got out of a 5 year relationship and there are women who are interested in dating me." That's a much more positive approach to the same thing that you stated above.

I'm waiting on a call for some volunteering work and hopeful it'll help.

Quite honestly, there's a lesson for more of us. Taking your current negative and turning it into a positive.

It still really hurts but I don't cry all the time like I used too.. and when I do it's not as long. There have been moments of hope.

Moments turn into minutes, minutes into hours, and hours into days. As Tal said focus on the good in those moments and they will start to outlast the negative.

I haven't actually spoken to her to confirm but it's pretty apparent by looking.

She's pregnant, and showing. After ending 5 years it took her less than 3 months...

This shouldn't matter.

It does.

I'm confused by this. Wouldn't that make it your child? A women isn't going to start showing after 3 months. Maybe she's just depressed because she lost you and is feeding her face.

[BrokenTrev]

RE: Admitting I'm moving forward.

Why would you not want to admit that?

I really don't know. Maybe because admitting that I'm getting better is really admitting that it's over. For every step I take she's taken 20. I'm still hanging on to the false hope that she misses me. I don't want to lose the pain of the breakup when it's all that I have left of our (non-) relationship. I'm still not sure I believe my life can be better without her.



RE: Dating

I'm not sure if this is the right answer now. I think right now you should focus on rebuilding your confidence. You say you have been on a few dates but they've failed miserably, so you bring yourself right back down. I say work one bringing that confidence up then date because I think this could create a cycle that might be hard to break.

You're right. It's not the right answer and it's not fair to the woman that I'm trying to date either. I feel bad about it and karma's going to bite me in the end but I miss feeling loved and having someone I care beside me when doing every day normal mundane things. So much so that I'm doing something I know I shouldn't be doing. Feeling confidence in myself seems so far away and having a good looking woman flirt with me feels awesome even if it's temporary.

Also, you are looking at this all wrong. It should be, "I just got out of a 5 year relationship and there are women who are interested in dating me." That's a much more positive approach to the same thing that you stated above.

I should add that these are not dates set up in person. I'm using an online dating site. So while I'm not outright lying I'm certainly not revealing that I'm unemployed, living with my parents and still hung up on my ex. They've got my internet persona and picture to go off and nothing else until we meet in person. Going into a date with these facts in the back of my mind is probably a big reason why I don't have a chance even if you ignore the lack of full disclosure. I'm still a gentleman, I'm still me. I'm still funny and charming. I'm just not really date-able.



RE: Pregnancy

I'm confused by this. Wouldn't that make it your child? A women isn't going to start showing after 3 months. Maybe she's just depressed because she lost you and is feeding her face.

If that were the case (my child) I'd be ecstatic. Which is very selfish of me I know. Chances are though that it's not. Last time we made love was 2 weeks before the breakup and I can't remember when before that. She was banging the guy from work only 2 weeks later so she's either showing at 3 months or at 4. Odds are it's his since their sex frequency is going to be obviously higher. She's a petite woman and any bump is easy to see. The weight was purely around her face and lower belly.. did no look like fat gain. I'd have to actually talk to her to confirm which is a double edged sword.

[MiSSsy111222]

As for her being pregnant to another man should be the final push for you to move on.

The reason as to why you are not datable is because you are not ready for being with other females yet. You are not over your past.

Of course your life can be better without her. Look at all the pain she has given you, surely you don't need this in your life? I'm sure you was living before her, so I'm sure you can do it without her.

I think you should focus on yourself, the more time you give yourself the more you heal.

[88sunflower]

Their "sex frequency" and your one last time doesn't matter. Getting pregnant only takes ONE time! Just keep that in mind. If there is a chance it could be yours you might want to ask her. It's a one time shot it could be.

[Dare81]

RE: Admitting I'm moving forward.


I really don't know. Maybe because admitting that I'm getting better is really admitting that it's over. For every step I take she's taken 20. I'm still hanging on to the false hope that she misses me. I don't want to lose the pain of the breakup when it's all that I have left of our (non-) relationship. I'm still not sure I believe my life can be better without her.

Does it matter how many steps she has taken,NC is about you, not about who is winning .

RE: Admitting I'm moving forward.
RE: Dating


You're right. It's not the right answer and it's not fair to the woman that I'm trying to date either. I feel bad about it and karma's going to bite me in the end but I miss feeling loved and having someone I care beside me when doing every day normal mundane things. So much so that I'm doing something I know I shouldn't be doing. Feeling confidence in myself seems so far away and having a good looking woman flirt with me feels awesome even if it's temporary.

Again you are trying to find happiness through other people.Quit dating and start working on yourself.If you look at other people to define you, then we have a real problem here.

RE: Admitting I'm moving forward.


RE: Pregnancy


If that were the case (my child) I'd be ecstatic. Which is very selfish of me I know. Chances are though that it's not. Last time we made love was 2 weeks before the breakup and I can't remember when before that. She was banging the guy from work only 2 weeks later so she's either showing at 3 months or at 4. Odds are it's his since their sex frequency is going to be obviously higher. She's a petite woman and any bump is easy to see. The weight was purely around her face and lower belly.. did no look like fat gain. I'd have to actually talk to her to confirm which is a double edged sword.

Even if the child is yours, it would not help you get her back, and it would be kind of hard to pay child support with no job

[jmw0713]

I would be hoping that the child was not mine. I know that sounds bad, but Dare81 is right... right now that would be another added thing that ties you to her for a long time.

You need to go out and do something that stirs your interest in life and in turn stirs your interest in yourself. Work toward a goal that is REALLY important to you and something you would consider a great accomplishment. The harder that goal is, the better.

For example, my current goal is to save up enough money by summer/fall to buy my own house and getting settled on my own. That is my major goal for the immediate future. Once I reach that, then I will figure out my next goal.

On NC and the healing process:

I was with my ex for 4 years. She put me through emotional hell the last few months we were together and burned me out.

During my journey, I've met some cool people along the way. I've met up with old friends. I NEVER reject a social invitation. It has come to the point where I am now budgeting my time between my friends. Trust me, I don't have that many friends. I've had woman come up to me and say hi and chat (some particularly good looking ones too). I've had a couple of one nighters, honestly I don't know how I feel about them... :o If your not ready to date or be in a relationship, definitely hold off until you are.

Most of the times when good things happen, it's because I'm having fun and enjoying myself with others. I don't look for them, or force them. I "go with the flow" so to speak.

From my perspective, I think you are searching to hard for love. You are trying to fill the void left by your ex with another girl. You are trying to hard and pushing yourself too much in the romance department. This is causing esteem issues to surface because you are not living up to these expectations. You are setting yourself up for failure. When things go wrong, or when things don't work out, you think that you are worthless, when you are NOT!

You need to take some time and just enjoy your life and live single. Learn to live on your own. Learn to make your own decisions. Learn to make yourself happy.

Remember, you are not going to be single and alone forever. You will meet someone, get married, have kids, and be with that person (for better or worse) for the rest of your life. THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!! You're only 28. Your not even halfway there yet! If you got married tomorrow and lived to average life expectancy (72), that would mean that you would be married for 44 years.

This is the time where you start living your life how YOU WANT TO LIVE IT! Do everything now, because after you do get married, you will be living for your family! This is time to go out with friends and have fun. It is time to go on that long awaited trip you've always wanted. It's time to reconnect with old friends and meet new ones. The best way to do this is roll with whatever life throws at you. You are actively trying to hard to make something happen and as a result, you are bringing yourself down further by being to hard on yourself.

Just live man! Let life take you by the hand and lead you to your future. Don't fight it. Let opportunity come to you. Once you let this happen, you will see the light at the end and realize that things are not as bad as they seem.

[taoplr]

Let go of her. You have work to do. Focus on resolving your depression and building yourself a life. Stay with that and you'll be happy. Read Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. He'll blow your mind and wake you up to what's possible for you.

Amazon.com: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61): Eckhart Tolle: Books

[Nestorian]

Let go of her. You have work to do. Focus on resolving your depression and building yourself a life. Stay with that and you'll be happy. Read Eckhart Tolle's book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. He'll blow your mind and wake you up to what's possible for you.

Amazon.com: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61): Eckhart Tolle: Books

Careful if you read that book while drpressed there is a lot of stuff going on in your head as it is. I found it confusing frustrating, and missleading when I was depressed. That was because my "mind" was not my mind, I was thinking unclearly and could not understand what he was saying. Upon rereading it, I"m in the process now, I am finding it more enlightening. I'm not saying don't read it, but if you do, don't be discuraged if it's annoying to you.
"This too shall soon Pass."- A new Earth

Peace and kindness be with you.