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BrokeninRI · Jun 24, 2008, 12:41 PM

True but when it comes to the heart, you cannot analyze this.
Which takes me back to my original question about cold feet and people being scared of commitment. I knew if we married she need to quit her job, sell her house and move to the Proovidence area, go from a professional to a mom. I offered after speaking to my boss, I can move to CT, keep your job until we start our family. Although we did not do much this winter except stay home with my mother, my family has finally decided to help me out and take mom 2 times a month ofr a long weekend so that her nad I can enjoy ourselves. This was never an issue but now is, and she loves my mom very much. Could she be making me suffer on purpose to see the extend of my love and if I am really in Love with her? (I do not like that game).

BrokeninRI · Jun 24, 2008, 12:49 PM

Like the ticket to the soccer game, she knows it is 2 hours away for me, instead of buying me a tix and inviting me, she send me the link and tells me it is an announcement not an invitation. Another way to see me indirectly.

bigbird213 · Jun 24, 2008, 12:51 PM

Originally Posted by BrokeninRI

BB,
As you know last week we kissed, she can be very nice but sometimes very frustrated with me. I am not sure if she is struggling with her emotions, her decision, wants me to pursue her, give up on her or what.
Had it been me and I wanted to break up with someone, I would not want to be friends if I knew the person was really in love with me and hurting, I would not go out with them or take their calls, and lastly let them know of a soccer game that is 2 hours away from them so they could come and tell them it is not an invitation but just an announcement. What is she thinking? Does she know what she wants?

After all these questions you have for me, I have one for you...

Why are you asking me these things? Every single one of these questions is one that should be asked to her, nobody here can give you the answer, we can purely speculate. Ask her what you want to ask her. If she keeps giving you the "it frustrates me" runaround, then I would say that it isn't worth it. If she won't discuss it, but throws these signals at you, then she is keeping you around for security and comfort.

You deserve to find someone who knows what they want, and that is you.

talaniman · Jun 24, 2008, 12:52 PM

Marriage at this time would be a disaster, as you don't sound as if you work together very well or communicate well enough. I would back off if I were you, and get someone local to date.
I can't see this as fun at all.

BrokeninRI · Jun 24, 2008, 02:53 PM

Oh Talaniman, marriage is way out of the question right now. I am not proposing anytime soon if we get back together. I really need to figure her out. Already had a failed marriage not going to do it again.

talaniman · Jun 24, 2008, 03:02 PM

I don't see you figuring her out with questions, she responds better to actions I think, which is a whole new level of communications. Her walls are up, and rightfully so, and at 39, she isn't going to give up what she has built for just any one, for sure. The distance has you at a disadvantage though and can only drain your confidence.

BrokeninRI · Jun 24, 2008, 03:17 PM

True, I know only my actions will prove to her how I really feel, how much I love her and want to be in a successful relationship with her. She has told me she is defensive and now every time we talk she tries to cut the conversation short and tries not to go into details, says OK got to go, have work to do. I feel she is struggling within herself to be rational about this. I have decided to give her some time and see how she does, try to see her as much as I can and really show her that I am willing to work on us if she is willing to do the same. It would be so much easier if I was closer. Everything has to be planned way ahead of time nothing at an impulse.

talaniman · Jun 24, 2008, 03:19 PM

It would be so much easier if I was closer. Everything has to be planned way ahead of time nothing at an impulse.

That in itself is a neat trick.

BrokeninRI · Jun 24, 2008, 03:22 PM

This is when being a salesperson with clients in her area comes in handy. Hey I was in the area to visit a few clients, would you like to go to lunch? Or drop off flowers, or something.
Would that be too much pressure?

BrokeninRI · Jun 25, 2008, 05:52 AM

Is anger normal when someone breaks up with you?
For some reason or another, she is very ANGRY at me and finds anything to argue with me. Any word I say after and argument or a disagreement is the beginning of a new one.
I did not break up with her, she left me. I want her back, she does not.

JBeaucaire · Jun 25, 2008, 06:08 AM

It's common to behave this way. Of course, after dumping you, she only gets to make herself feel better using this tactic because you dog after her giving her the opportunity to do so. So, you're contributing, too.

talaniman · Jun 25, 2008, 06:13 AM

Back off, and let the dust settle, instead of bulling ahead to get what you want.

bigbird213 · Jun 25, 2008, 06:16 AM

She probably feels guilty and is trying to use any tool possible to ease her guilt. In time, everything will even out and you two will both see each other clearly again. Break away from her, like JB said.

BrokeninRI · Jun 25, 2008, 06:41 AM

Thanks Everyone. I will backoff. Hoping she will know that I am not giving up on her but just giving her space. Any other advice on how to let her know I am here but not here?
I am even considering not showing up to the soccer game since she said it was not an invitation but just an announcement that there is a game I might want to go to and that she bought her ticket already.

bigbird213 · Jun 25, 2008, 07:14 AM

I think not going is the right thing to do.

Don't worry about her backing off. If she backs off, she was going to do it all along. She doesn't need you to keep making efforts to make up her own mind. In fact, she will be better able to make the right decision with some space of her own. In other words, your pressure might force her into a decision (such as staying with you) that she might regret later, causing you both more hurt.

BrokeninRI · Jun 25, 2008, 10:04 AM

The last thing I need if for someone to be involved or be in a relationship with me when they do not want it. I prefer to fail right now than with kids or after having gotten married.
I do not need a One sided relationship.

BrokeninRI · Jun 26, 2008, 02:17 PM

I have so far been very successful at not calling, emailing, or texting. I miss her like there is no tomorrow but I feel strongly I am doing the right thing in giving her some space.
Thank you again for all you help and if you have more advice or anything else you can think of, please let me know.
My biggest dilemma right now is wanting to let her know I am HERE for her but also not here to pressure her. Any advise? When will it be time to send flowers, a note, a card, an email?

bigbird213 · Jun 26, 2008, 03:17 PM

Tough as it is to hear, I think the answer to your question is never.

She knows your there, you have made that evident in the last few weeks. She isn't going to forget that you are there - she wants time and space. If you must talk to her after a decent amount of time has passed, then you contact her then. Don't worry about it now.

BrokeninRI · Jun 26, 2008, 03:21 PM

BB,
You do not sound too optimistic!!

BrokeninRI · Jun 30, 2008, 05:40 PM

After almost a week, I heard from her today in the form of an email with a YouTube link and a website having to do with the link. No hello, no hi, no how are you.
Just that.
What is going on in that mind of hers??
Does anyone understand this behavior??
If I replied she will probably say it was an "announcement" just like she did last week about the soccer game.