[0rphan]

Hi Kaege

this is a tricky situation to be in,I have read the question and all the previous posts and yes they are saying basically the same thing... LEAVE HIM ALONE... I'm inclined to agree with them, at the same time I can see where your coming from.

The main problem obviously is your age, 14 is very young and your hormones will be running riot at this stage in your life, that's not to say what your feeling isn't real, I'm sure it is, I remember a similar thing at that age, only the age gap was at least 30 years, a definite no, plus they were married, a double no, trouble is it doesn't stop the way you feel, as time went by I realized that the attention and kindness that was shown to me was also shown to many other people, it was just the way this person was, I then realized that I wasn't special after all and cried for days.

This person never ever new how I'd felt about them,which allowed us to remain friends to this very day.

What bothers me about your friend ,is the fact that when he was told of your feelings for him, his reply was... how cute... which implies that this is some sort of school girl crush and a big boost to his ego.

I'm so sorry Kaege I've no wish to hurt your feelings but think about it just for a moment, if someone had said the same to you and you were interested, what's the first thing you would do... well, you'd do the same as anyone else and contact them straight away and arrange to meet or something.

This says to me that he thinks of you as a friend, some one to chat to online ,maybe share opinions or have a discussion with, someone he values as a friend whom he wouldn't want to loose should the relationship develop into something else.

If I were you Kaege I'd enjoy each others friendship, you can always say your friend was having a joke or something like that to cover what's been said, I'm sure eventually things will return to normal and you'll still be the best of friends with out the complications.

I'm not going to repeat what the previous posts have warned you about, you seem a very sensible girl and I'm sure you've taken all of the advice on board...

You are a Libra, so am I, Gemini is suppose to be a match for librans, but take note: my other half was a gemini who after 20 years of marriage I plucked up the courage to devorce for CRUELTY... so please don't go by the stars.

Your young and the world is your oyster, when the time is right some dashing young man will sweep you off your feet and spoil you for the lovely person that you obviously are, don't settle for second best...

I have tried to give you a balanced view I hope this has helped.

Takecare

[JudyKayTee]

Stalkers ask personal questions, never have pictures, never tell you about their friends, say perverted things, ask for your number... a number of qualities.

Real people have proofed friends, have a realistic non-personal life-probing personality, just basically the opposite of the stalker traits.

You just described the traits of a "professional," seasoned stalker. It's the slow, gradual gaining of trust.

I can understand what you see in him - he's an older man, all of that; what do you think he sees in you?

A grown man and a girl in (possibly) middle school or high school?

And where are your parents?

[JudyKayTee]

Thanks, Thats what I thought. I just needed to hear that I was right from some other people. I was just doubting myself. I just thought I might be a little hard here. Now that I think about it again, she does need a talking good to.

The fact that she won't listen to ANY of us here does show her immaturity, and it really is too bad that she would ignore us like she is doing.

I hope she does come back, and continues to 'argue' with us, for lack of a better word, and she maybe will see the light one day. That 22 year olds shouldn't date 14 year olds. There are laws in place to prevent this, and those laws are there for a reason. Even 18 would be illegal.

I just think that if she isn't going to come back, and talk to us, that we have to hope for the best. Maybe she will make her mistake. Maybe she will learn from it. She has the final decision, and if she refuses to listen, all we can really do is hope for the best...
__________________

At one point, she said that they are at the same mental and emotional level, and that is suspicious for a 22 year old, like ScottGem said. For him to even say that he has the same interests as this child is suspicious.

I stick to my opinion that Kaege should get away from this guy and cut all communication with him. She should stop meeting people online immediatly. She should start thinking with her head, not her heart. Be realistic. Meet guys her own age.

Where are her parents in this scenario? That's what scares me - apparently absolutely no supervision over the past year.

[Kaege]

Where are her parents in this scenario? That's what scares me - apparently absolutely no supervision over the past year.

My mother is completely aware that I have friends of his age, and older.

[Kaege]

You just described the traits of a "professional," seasoned stalker. It's the slow, gradual gaining of trust.

I can understand what you see in him - he's an older man, all of that; what do you think he sees in you?

A grown man and a girl in (possibly) middle school or high school?

And where are your parents?

... That is a good point. I can't think of absolutely anything that anyone would see in me.

[Fr_Chuck]

My mother is completely aware that I have friends of his age, and older.

And why is she not grounding or stoping it, parents who allow things like this are not doing their job and part if not the main part of the problem, a good parent would have never allowed this if they were aware

[Kaege]

And why is she not grounding or stoping it, parents who allow things like this are not doing thier job and part if not the main part of the problem, a good parent would have never allowed this if they were aware

Because my mother knows that I don't make friends with the wrong kinds of people. o_o
And my mother IS a good parent.

[westnlas]

From the way you talk about discussing your feelings I am guessing that you are in high school and the person you are attracted to is in his late 20's. Of course he will see you as a child. You still are one. Of course you are very strongly attracted to him, he is mature and has a different approach to the world than your peers. Should you ask him out ? I don't think that's a great idea right now. Give it until you graduate at least.

[jrsg]

From the way you talk about discussing your feelings I am guessing that you are in high school and the person you are attracted to is in his late 20's.

She has already mentioned that she is 14, and the guy in question is 22.

You say that you have a lot of expirience with meeting people online... I'm just curious as to what expirience you have. Is it meeting friends, or have you have long distance relationships over the internet before? Also, what is your history with dating?
Have you ever gone to meet somebody in real life that you met online?
And do you know the risks you are taking with trusting those you meet online as much as you do?

I'm just curious because at 14, I can't understand how you can have all this expirience. Maybe you can prove me wrong though, I won't assume anything here. All people and situations are unique, and I think if you provide me/us with more information, we can provide more accurate advice.

[KalFour]

... That is a good point. I can't think of absolutely anything that anyone would see in me.

I'm sure you have a lot going for you. You express yourself well, and from what you've said you have a wide range of interests. I'm sure the comment wasn't meant to imply that nobody could find you attractive, just that you're at different levels, so he wouldn't think about you in that way.

And please, having an online crush is NOT a sign of bad parenting. I'm not sure how people have made that jump.

Kal

[jrsg]

And please, having an online crush is NOT a sign of bad parenting. I'm not sure how people have made that jump.

Having an online crush is NOT a sign of bad parenting. However, parents letting their 14 year old date a 22 year old online is a sign of bad parenting. Parents should be protective, and should have no tolerance for who she meets online. With the thousands of online predators out there, the chances of this girl running into one are HIGH!
There is nothing wrong with an online crush. There is something wrong with a 14 year old and a 22 year old having a romantic relationship over the net.

From what it sounds, Kaege's parents don't sound to involved or aware of what Kaege is doing online. If they were good parents, they would be much more involved and protective.

And Kaege, don't take this as a personal attack, it's just my opinion.

[jrsg]

I'm sure you have a lot going for you. You express yourself well, and from what you've said you have a wide range of interests. I'm sure the comment wasn't meant to imply that nobody could find you attractive, just that you're at different levels, so he wouldn't think about you in that way.

I agree with Kal here. You probably do have a lot to offer. You are probably a beautiful, smart, girl, and any guy (your age) would be lucky to have you. A 22 year old is probably looking for a different kind of relationship, and you may not have much to offer him.
You'd be better off having a relationship with someone your own age, and at your 'level.'

[KalFour]

Having an online crush is NOT a sign of bad parenting. However, parents letting their 14 year old date a 22 year old online is a sign of bad parenting. Parents should be protective, and should have no tolerence for who she meets online.

Fair enough that parents should be protective. But think about it from where they currently stand. From their point of view, she has an older online friend. They're not dating, they just talk. I don't see why a parent would have to be concerned at this stage.

And at that age I'd have been furious if my parents had started monitoring my online conversations, because it's invasive. She's already said her parents are aware that she has older friends.

Be cautious... but sometimes people overreact with these things.

Kal

[jrsg]

It is tricky with these situations...
When does it get too invasive? Where do we draw the line?
The way I look at it is better safe than sorry.
We have a disagreement on 'parenting,' and that's okay. I am not going to try to force my views on you.

What we need to do is help this girl, and try to make sure she makes the right decision.

And back on that situation, I think he only sees Kaege as a kid anyway. Kaege says it herself in the first post. I don't think the guy wants to pursue a romantic relationship with this girl. BUT, if he does, I would watch out for the guy.

[ScottGem]

II don't think you can rightfully say you have real concern for me. I'm just a stranger.

And this, I'm sorry to say, is another sign of your inexperience if not immaturity. To assume that we can't care about someone because they are a stranger negates the whole concept of sites like this. It also indicates a very self centered attitude.

[KalFour]

To assume that we can't care about someone because they are a stranger negates the whole concept of sites like this. It also indicates a very self centered attitude.

It's true. Most people came to this site in the first place because we trusted that strangers can care... I'd assume that's why you came too.
Don't doubt that we care just because we've never met. The fact that I know you exist makes me care about you.

Kal

[JudyKayTee]

Because my mother knows that I don't make friends with the wrong kinds of people. o_o
And my mother IS a good parent.

No father in the picture - ?

[JudyKayTee]

... That is a good point. I can't think of absolutely anything that anyone would see in me.

Passive aggressive is a definite sign of immaturity -

I am beginning to understand your on line "relationship" less and less -

[JudyKayTee]

I'm sure you have a lot going for you. You express yourself well, and from what you've said you have a wide range of interests. I'm sure the comment wasn't meant to imply that nobody could find you attractive, just that you're at different levels, so he wouldn't think about you in that way.

And please, having an online crush is NOT a sign of bad parenting. I'm not sure how people have made that jump.

Kal

Going to combine answers here -

Before you criticize my earlier post - (I guess I'm "the people" who made that jump) I wonder what the mother's involvement is here? Has she seen/read e-mails and I-mails back and forth? Is she aware of this "relationship?" What does she know about the "boy?" Kids have crushes on teachers and neighbors and who knows who else all the time - I am talking about an on-line relationship at 14 and 22.

You have also posted that if your parents monitored your phone conversations when you were 14 you would consider it an invasion of your privacy. I'd be curious to see how others feel about that - I don't think your parental responsibility ends when a child is 14 and the need to supervise and direct continues and continues and continues. In my opinon, when the child is 14 the parent is still the parent and the child is still... the child.

[talaniman]

Originally Posted by Kaege
Because my mother knows that I don't make friends with the wrong kinds of people. o_o
And my mother IS a good parent.

She knows your conversating with a 22 year old boy, and wants to set up a date?