[brkfstatiffs]

That's the thing we haven't been dating that long - 3 months. But the connection and chemistry has been lining up great, until now, this he's stressed out/ I'm feeling a distance thing. So I don't totally know how to go about it because I'm not the GF yet, but I want to show I have those qualities in times like these so it's hard!

[mimi03]

I don't think 3 months is too short of a time frame to do small gestures to cheer or support someone during a tough time... It doesn't take anything grand just a simple text message or email that says: Hope things are getting better! I'm here if you want to do something to get your mind off things... "

I wouldn't consider that being needy as long as you're making it about him and not giving the impression of --when are you going to spend time with me!--

But Do try to give him space if that's what he needs/asks for and when he's ready he'll come around. Things will settle down, Hang in there!

What would you do if he were only your friend and not a love interest?

[talaniman]

Just curious as you seem to want to hurry things along, but do you have other things you enjoy doing? Its way to early to have a lot of concerns right now, and my worry is your to deeply invested, and he may not be. Relationships take patients and maybe your seeing things you need to pay attention to and evaluate. Regardless, I feel the first 6 months should be fun, while you get to know each other better. You make it sound like your moving ahead to fast, and expecting too much. Slow down, relax, and stop these high expectations. You could be getting a bit carried away for nothing. Does that make sense?

[JBeaucaire]

Story of a Guy and Girl sitting in Silence - by JB

Girl is thinking: "I wonder why he's not talking. What could the problem be? Did I do something wrong? He's not happy! Oh no, what should I do? I'm going to be alone! Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD!!!!!"

Guy is thinking: "Ah, this is the life, alone with a hot chick who smells great. Hey, my socks don't match!"

Moral of the story: Backrubs. Silent backrubs. (and change your socks)

[talaniman]

LOL, Great post JB.

[brkfstatiffs]

Thanks for that line - I think I will text that.you're right talan maybe I am getting too invested? I guess sometimes its hard not to when you start to fall for a guy and in my last relationship things were more solidified by now. It's also hard because he has been the one to openly express his feelings, and all of a sudden he has stopped expressing little things like you make me happy etc. So all that gets to my head in a negative way! But my gut tells me that things will be okay and he stressed so maybe I should stop overanalyzing. And of course I have other interests. I am usually always out and about doing something.

[talaniman]

Then I would worry too much, just let it flow naturally, and enjoy the ride.

[brkfstatiffs]

Thanks all. I sent him a little text message today saying hope you are doing better, and I'm here when you want to do something to take your mind off it, have a good day. I figured it was a sincere gesture, and now he knows I'm in no rush to hang out and to take his time.

[Genuineforce]

As a man who has behaved this way, sometimes talking about a stressful issue with a woman may not make us feel better right away. Sometimes to even discuss the issue with a man prematurely (before he's ready) may even make him angry. A man is a "do-er" and to have a woman trying to "solve" your problems may make you angry. Of course we know that its not even like this, and that the woman is really trying to help us. But a man may want to feel secure with a grip on his situation before receiving outside help. Speaking for myself though, when given enough personal time and distance, I come around to my partner anyway, knowing that a woman can truly help you. Just be patient.

[brkfstatiffs]

I'm back. So yeah, for those of you who followed my posts, my guy of 3 months that I have been dating has been very distant this past week or so. The last time we hung out was last Tuesday, he went 4 days w/ out speaking to me on the weekend or seeing me, and as hard as it was I held in there and did not contact him to give him his space (Thursday - Sunday). So sure enough Monday night he called me. Very brief message like usuall and said to call him back, I called him back the next day after work and while I know maybe I should have waited 2 days, I called him. Whatever. But get this he didn't call me back! I'm starting to think instead of him being stressed out (money issues,family stuff) , that maybe he is hinting to me without saying it that he doesn't want to date anymore? It just hurts to think of that because everything up to this point has been going GREAT, and he has been the one to initiate his feelings, etc. So guys, what is his deal - seriously? I just feel like I want him to communicate with me - whatever it is that is going on. If I don't hear from him should I call him in a couple days just to see what's up? I am very independent and have been doing my own thing, but come one now what's his deal! I guess I thought because we hadn't talked in awhile that he would have jumped at the chance to call me back and talk, like usual.

[brkfstatiffs]

I'm back. So yeah, for those of you who followed my posts, my guy of 3 months that i have been dating has been very distant this past week or so. The last time we hung out was last Tuesday, he went 4 days w/ out speaking to me on the weekend or seeing me, and as hard as it was I held in there and did not contact him to give him his space (Thursday - Sunday). So sure enough Monday night he called me. Very brief message like usuall and said to call him back, I called him back the next day after work and while I know maybe I should have waited 2 days, I called him. Whatever. But get this he didn't call me back!! I'm starting to think instead of him being stressed out (money issues,family stuff) , that maybe he is hinting to me without saying it that he doesn't want to date anymore? It just hurts to think of that because everything up to this point has been going GREAT, and he has been the one to initiate his feelings, etc. So guys, what is his deal - seriously? I just feel like I want him to communicate with me - whatever it is that is going on. If I don't hear from him should I call him in a couple days just to see what's up? I am very independant and have been doing my own thing, but come one now whats his deal!? I guess I thought because we hadnt talked in awhile that he would have jumped at the chance to call me back and talk, like usual.

p.s. for the record, I have a lot of friends etc I confide in, its just nice to vent to people who are across the world and country and get your reactions!

[brkfstatiffs]

So the guy I have been seeing has been distant for personal matters. Here how it has played out. He has been distant the past two weeks, because he has a lot on his plate. We hung out a week ago, and I could just see in him that he was really stressed, so we ended the night early. I knew I had to give him some space, as he indiscretely asked for it. He texted me he was just going through some sh_t right now and I told him I'm here when he wants to do something to take his mind off it. 5 days went by with no communication. It was hard for me, but I didn't want to be that needy girl, so I gave him space and did my own thing. Monday night rolls around after not hearing from him and he calls. I call him back the next day. Then 2 days went by and he didn't return my call! I was upset, because I felt like it was a double hit to me, and shouldn't he be excited to talk to me? I started to realize maybe its his way of letting me down easily, but my gut kept telling me to give the situation the benfit of the doubt. Keep in mind before all this, he has been awesome at calling when he says etc, everything was great. So today I get a text from him mid day, saying that he just wants to let me know he has been at home dealing w/ family stuff, and on top of that his phone has been screwed up. So I texted him back no worries, I understand I know how fam stuff can be, and that I'm here for him if he wants to talk.
I wanted to text him that so he doesn't think he will have to have a bitter conversation with me about why he has been distant etc. (even though I've totally been taking it personally) I wanted to play it cool. Do you guys think I did the right thing? Still kind of annoyed he hasn't called but I triust what he is saying, and I guess I figure when we do hang out again we can work on talking about the communicating part. What do you think?

[kp2171]

At this point, with what you know, you are fine and doing the right thing.

Unfortunately that means not knowing what's going on.

I tend to, like many guys, think I can take care of things without help. Bear the weight of the world on my shoulders and deal with the noise of life.

As much as I like helping people, I don't like asking for help.

This means you are in an uncertain place. You can tell him you will be there for him. You can be patient. But you also need to be there for you. At some point... and nobody here can tell you when... you need to back way, way off if he is too consumed by his life.

You cannot save someone. And I've loved women I couldn't be with due to bad timing.

You know nothing at this point other than he is distracted.

Knowing what I know now, and having been in your place before... id tell him you are there for him as a friend, and you are willing to step back to give him some room... but at some point you will need to have the resolve to step forward if he isn't willing to engage.

Life happens and gets in the way sometimes. And sometimes its worth the wait to see how things play out.

If things don't change in the next couple of months... id rethink my commitment to him.

[brkfstatiffs]

Thanks for your response. I agree with it. I guess I just keep thinking to myself it would be nice if he would reach out and ask me how I'M DOING? I know he has a lot on his plate, but there are 24 hours in a day... even if he is having phone problems. I'm holding out as best as I can, but when he does come back into town, if he is still interested in dating me, he better do some kissin up! I can't date someone who just drops off the face of the f_ckin planet every time there is a personal issue. This one is his freebie wild card since we haven't been exclusive yet... although I thought it was going there! It just makes me feel like he doesn't even think about me at all. Like a simple text "thinkin about u" would be nice. You know? Urgh men.

[kp2171]

=)

I did something similar when dating my wife. We were at the "are we or arent we" dating stage... meaning we were, but id planned on leaving town after a different crash and burn relationship and wasn't about to change my plans for another person... so things were really mixed up.

She was going to have thankgiving dinner at her fathers with her brother and the family, I was going out of town to see cousins. So I disappeared and didn't call over the weekend. Just got wrapped up in the moment. Didn't intentionally mean to tick off an italian woman with a temper. But I did. And in hindsight, I was an idiot... even if it wasn't premeditated idiocy.

Man... did she ever have angry fire in her eyes the next time she saw me.

Anyway... eventually I removed my head from a dark place.

Sounds like you have your head about you. You decide what you need from another person and what noise you are willing to put up with... and usually there is some noise... what fights are worth picking and what things can fall to the side.

[brkfstatiffs]

Haha well I guess it just goes to show in your case, things were worth the wait :-)
I have been playing it very cool with him this whole time, even though of course it's making me a little mad inside! So if you don't mind answering this one - how would you suggest I go about bringing this up ? I guess I have to wait until we talk about where we are and aren't and so forth and I will let him know I need a man who can communicate! He has told me before, he has problems opening up sometimes about personal issues/stress etc. I guess I just don't want to screw things up because I was starting to really like him, liked where it was going and then all of this, and of course right before the 4th of July holiday, but hey I have plans already w/ my girlfriends. Do you think any of this is his way of letting me down easily? I'm not sitting around all day wondering that, but I am curious but Somehow my gut keeps on telling me that's not the case.
Man, it's easy to vent on here... sorry :-)

[kp2171]

Don't be sorry about venting here.

Uhm... I can't get in his head... could he be breaking up by letting it drift off? Well, sure. He could. And he could also be just flat out preoccupied with his little world and clueless. And I don't know the nature of what he is going through.

I honestly think, as much as its driving you mad, in a case like this its better to sit back and see what he does. That doesn't mean sit around and wait. I'm really glad you made the plans for the fourth... if he's shocked and upset just keep your cool and let him know he needs to talk to you sooner if he wants your time.

Even if you find time to see each other, id probably hold back a little, at least at first... not because you will "ruin" anything, because if talking about it ruins it... it wasn't right in the first place... id hold back a little just to see what he does. How he acts and approaches you.

You can get anybody to say about anything when you've got them pinned to the floor with your heel on their throat (theoretically speaking) but what does he give up or offer when he has the change without threats?

And like I said... I get a little of what he might be going through... by the time I ask for help I'm often waist deep... so while I can communicate pretty well and talk about a lot of things, I still internalize first... at least as a reflex.

You could always see what he brings to you the next time you meet... and if, given the time, he doesn't address the things you want to talk about... then you can bring it up. Even something like "you know i like you and i know you are going through a lot of noise... but if you can't talk to me and connect with me, im not going to wait around until you have a use for me. theres always noise around us. when its loud is when you draw friends toward you, not when you push them away."

Or there's always the heel to throat thing.

I don't know. I wasn't aware my wife was that mad until I saw her... he could be as clueless as I was/am/could be.

[kp2171]

This is great.

Story of a Guy and Girl sitting in Silence - by JB

Girl is thinking: "I wonder why he's not talking. What could the problem be? Did I do something wrong? He's not happy! Oh no, what should I do? I'm going to be alone! Oh my god, oh my god, OH MY GOD!!!!!"

Guy is thinking: "Ah, this is the life, alone with a hot chick who smells great. Hey, my socks don't match!"

Moral of the story: Backrubs. Silent backrubs. (and change your socks)

There was a comedian I saw a clip of who talked about men and women and how their brains worked.

He claimed women had an ability to connect anything and everything... like "he sure is spending a lot of time on the ps3 lately... i wonder if hes avoiding me... ill bet that hes still ticked about missing the game to go to my parents house... he didnt talk much at the table that night... i wonder if hes going to break up with me... theres that new girl at work he keeps talking about... the slut! the jerk!"... I know extreme, but you get the point.

And then men store their thoughts in boxes that are closed tight and never touch. No connections to other boxes. You go to the playstation box to think about video games, not to avoid a discussion about the relationship... and the mans favorite box? The one with NOTHING in it. He can sit and look in that box and be completely content and happy for hours on end.

There's some truth to that, at least on the guy side, in my opinion.

[ylaira]

Anyone here watches DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES? Notice Teri Hatcher (Susan) and James Denton (Mike) there. When Mike is quiet or less responsive, Susan freaks out and beat him to death to talk whats wrong when there's nothing really.

[talaniman]

Doncha hate it fellows, when they want you to talk, and your mind is blank?

"talk about what?"
"How you feel"
"Hungry"
Wham!!

"I'm still hungry"