[Miner1288]

Toomai,

I know how you feel, believe me. My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years said that she needed space just a week and a half ago. Unfortunately, we are both going to be apart for at least 3 more years as I am working in Iowa and she is in Las Vegas. We both are starting new lives right now and need some time to figure out if we have a future together. She did the same thing telling me how much she loved me. She also keeps calling every other day or so, its tough not to answer. I just figure if I keep talking to her then I am making it easy for her to slowly let go of me. The only option I have is to cut off communication as much as possible. That's probably the only way for her to realize what life will be like without me in it. I'm still pretty confused myself, but hang in there. It slowly feels better and better.

[Wildcat21]

All I can say Miner is DON'T ANSWER that phone... don't return her call for at least a month.

I don't think you will do this though.

She asked for the break - you give it to her.

Be a man about this.

You answer the phone and return the calls and you'll never get her back.

[Toomai]

My girlfriend called me today and said she kissed another guy and she has feelings for him. I love her so much I am willing to forgive and move on but she doesn't know. I am very upset. I don't know what to do. Please help. This feels like a bad dream.

[smitty11]

First off I know how you feel, I have been in that position in the past. From that experience I learned that you can't let it eat at you and eat at you. (easier said than done I know) Go out with your boys and let them take your mind off things, again easier said than done. But if your girl says she needs space then you have to give it to her. Odviously there was a reason she wanted that space and that seems pretty evident now. Even if she says that she has feelings for this guy, that doesn't mean that she loves him. If she told you that she loved you like you said she did, then my advice would be to let her mess around with this guy and have her space and when she realizes that this guy isn't you then she will come back. In the meantime this is the perfect time to figure out where you went wrong. There was a reason that she got bored with you or lost interest. Work on yourself while she is finding out that this guy can't give her what she wants, and when she comes back you can be the man that she fell in love with. And if she doesn't come back then there will be some lucky lady down the road that will get a guy that is ready to give a girl what she wants. Read wildcats post on what every guy should read... really good post! Good luck man, just don't call her whatever you do, go lift weights, go party, do something with other people. Hell start dating again.

[Toomai]

Thank you so much. It feels better to know I'm not alone. I'm going to try and fall alseep now; I'll keep you posted on how things go tomorrow.

[jeffatl]

My girlfriend called me today and said she kissed another guy and she has feelings for him. I love her so much I am willing to forgive and move on but she doesn't know. I am very upset. I don't know what to do. Please help. This feels like a bad dream.

You are NOT alone her at all buddy. I went through the same as well... twice. I say just let her do whatever she wants as well. You don't want to be with someone that you can't trust either. I forgave and forgave my EX but it solved NOTHING. You will never trust her the same again, trust me. I say don't call, and blow her off for a while. Make HER earn you back if she wants you. Sorry to hear it bud, best of luck to you. :cool:

[Miner1288]

Well I think I found the best solution. Go rent Swingers (if you don't already own it) and watch that movie. I always loved it, but I watched it last night and it made me feel a lot better. Might help put things in perspective a little bit. Now, of course, I don't live in LA and there are not girls like Heather Graham lining up to swing dance with me. But the long distance relationship, losing the long time g-friend, etc was right on. Just find a guy like Vince Vaughn to help you hook up with new girls and you should be all set. So many things to take from that movie. Go watch it and see if you don't feel at least a little better.

[JollyRoger]

New poster.

I'm having a similar problem. My girlfriend (now girlfriend-in-limbo) of 6 months called me about two weeks ago to say she thought a break would be best right now. She goes to school not an hour away, but I have no car so I can't get over there to see her very often at all (only on the occasional weekend she comes home herself). She said she's just too busy with school at the moment, feels guilty on the weekends when she goes out with her softball teammates while I have to work, and that she's never home and that just isn't fair to me. I told her that working where I do is my choice and I understand she needs a social life - I want her to have her fun when she can. I dug deeper and found out that we "never talk about much anymore" and that she feels "obligated" to make time to see/talk to me; when she has one of those rare weekends when she can come home to relax and be with her family (big home-body), she just wants to be able to come home without worrying about anything else and that she felt that wasn't fair to me either. I asked her, about twice, if she just wanted to break things off and she only reiterated that she "thinks a break would be best right now." She said I'm allowed to date other girls, and when I asked if she was interested in dating someone else, she said no; when I said I wasn't going to date anyone else if she wasn't, she said it wasn't as if it weren't a possibility. When I asked her if we were going to stay in contact or just cut things off completely, she said she hadn't decided yet. So I agreed to it, I think partially by being partly overwhelmed, and we decided to take a break until May, when school's over with and see how things go from there.

The problem is that I'm just not sure what to do in the interim. The only reason I maintain any faith in this working is that, for instance, though she has taken notice of our relationship down on Facebook, she's yet to state herself as 'Single' though she was before we were dating seriously, and believe me, she's really not the type to screw around or even want to screw around with other guys.

BTW, I know I screwed up. I got boring towards the end and let on that I was insecure (her feeling guilty, I'm realizing, was at least half-way my fault). I also did the "I dunno, what do you want to do?" sometimes, even when I knew I shouldn't have.

So far, I haven't tried to contact her in any way. I'm just confused about what I should do otherwise. Her birthday is coming up very soon - should I do anything whatsoever? It's no longer appropriate to get her anything, but should I give her a very brief, friendly phone-call or just leave her a text message or an e-mail? Or should I just 'forget' about it?

If she wants to get together this Thanksgiving weekend, should I? I'm also unsure as to whether I should try to get a hold of her this December, during that period between school semesters, to ask her if she wants this to work and see if she'll want to talk it out with me, but that sort of strikes me as trying to go back on our set period till May, though I thought I'd tell her no matter what we accomplished, we'd still remain on a break. Or, I figure, I could ask her if she just wants to go back to 'just dating' and avoid questioning whether we want to be serious again until May hits (we did this for our first school year). When I get a car, I figured I could start heading up there about once a week to see her (after/if this is over, of course) so that she doesn't feel so pressured to work me into her rare, precious 'down-time at home'.

So far so good - I haven't spoken to her nor tried, and she hasn't contacted me either. But I'm just not sure about how I should proceed. Just don't want to screw this up, if there's a chance here.

[Toomai]

I want to say again thank you all for being here for me during this lonely time. I decided to give my girlfriend her space and to figure out her feelings for this guy. I told her that I will not touch another girl and I will be waiting for her when she figures out that I truly am the one for her. In the meantime, I am going to try some of your ideas to pass the time; go to the gym, hang out with friends, etc. I hope that this will be short term pain for long term gain.

[Miner1288]

Well I agree with all of that except one part. You might not want to get into the 'waiting for her' stage. Even if that is what you are doing, you probably don't want to go that way. Wildcat will be here soon to yell at you so I'll jump in quickly. I'd recommend telling her to let you know when she figures out what she wants, but you can't make any promises about where you will be in your life when she does. It makes her realize what is at stake. While I don't agree with everything wildcat says, the part about maintaining at least the illusion of control is important. In the meantime, keep working out and focusin on your life. That's what I'm doing anyway.

[smitty11]

Miner is right, you can't let her know where you are going to be when she is ready. One, you don't know, some girl might come and sweep you off your feet. The best way to get her to come back is to give her space that she wants. In the meantime work on yourself and there is absolutely nothing wrong with going on innocent dates. It is a good thing, and if she finds out she will probably get jealous and realize that you aren't going to be around forever so she had better figure it out quickly if she wants to be with you.

Jolly, first off there is always a chance. You are doing the right thing by NOT contacting her. You can't fall into the trap of wondering what should I do now and call her. Things will proceed as they are supposed to. Whatever you do don't call her. If you do anything for her birthday I would suggest a card in the mail. That way she knows you are thinking about her on her special day but you are not innitiating any contact. Let her call you and thank you! As for christmas time, you can't sit around expecting her to call you and say things are fixed. Go on with your life, visit friends you haven't seen in a long time, as well as family. Don't fixate your life around waiting on her. She'll figure out I promise. You are doing the right thing by not calling. If she does by chance say that she wants to see you over the break, I wouldn't spend a lot of time with her. Keep it short and simple, don't go back to the way things were. Just keep doing what you are doing, but let her contact you when she is ready and get on with your life. Date new people, meet new friends, have fun being single again. It helps I promise. Good luck!

[JollyRoger]

... any other suggestions for her birthday? At this point, I'm beginning to believe I shouldn't do anything at all.

Also, we're both on AIM a lot and lately she's done a lot of sitting there online when she should be 'away' (example, should be in bed, but suddenly comes back from being 'away'). If she IMs me, what do I do? If I say nothing, she'll just know I'm purposefully ignoring her rather than being 'too busy to reply'.

I also believe now this is partially her wanting to take the time to do whatever without having to worry about me, at least for a while. The only thing she wasn't "allowed" to do, though, was date/be intimate with other guys and she's not the type to do anything with anybody anyway, so I wonder how I fit into this. Why keep me around on in-limbo status if she wants to not have to worry about me? Why not just break up with me? Like I said earlier, I asked her twice if she just wanted to cut things off and she only kept saying she thought a break was probably the best for now.

I think way too much. :p

[Chery]

New poster.

I'm having a similar problem. My girlfriend (now girlfriend-in-limbo) of 6 months called me about two weeks ago to say she thought a break would be best right now. She goes to school not an hour away, but I have no car so I can't get over there to see her very often at all (only on the occasional weekend she comes home herself). She said she's just too busy with school at the moment, feels guilty on the weekends when she goes out with her softball teammates while I have to work, and that she's never home and that just isn't fair to me. I told her that working where I do is my choice and I understand she needs a social life - I want her to have her fun when she can. I dug deeper and found out that we "never talk about much anymore" and that she feels "obligated" to make time to see/talk to me; when she has one of those rare weekends when she can come home to relax and be with her family (big home-body), she just wants to be able to come home without worrying about anything else and that she felt that wasn't fair to me either. I asked her, about twice, if she just wanted to break things off and she only reiterated that she "thinks a break would be best right now." She said I'm allowed to date other girls, and when I asked if she was interested in dating someone else, she said no; when I said I wasn't going to date anyone else if she wasn't, she said it wasn't as if it weren't a possibility. When I asked her if we were going to stay in contact or just cut things off completely, she said she hadn't decided yet. So I agreed to it, I think partially by being partly overwhelmed, and we decided to take a break until May, when school's over with and see how things go from there.

The problem is that I'm just not sure what to do in the interim. The only reason I maintain any faith in this working is that, for instance, though she has taken notice of our relationship down on facebook, she's yet to state herself as 'Single' though she was before we were dating seriously, and believe me, she's really not the type to screw around or even want to screw around with other guys.

BTW, I know I screwed up. I got boring towards the end and let on that I was insecure (her feeling guilty, I'm realizing, was at least half-way my fault). I also did the "I dunno, what do you want to do?" sometimes, even when I knew I shouldn't have.

So far, I haven't tried to contact her in any way. I'm just confused about what I should do otherwise. Her birthday is coming up very soon - should I do anything whatsoever? It's no longer appropriate to get her anything, but should I give her a very brief, friendly phone-call or just leave her a text message or an e-mail? Or should I just 'forget' about it?

If she wants to get together this Thanksgiving weekend, should I? I'm also unsure as to whether or not I should try to get a hold of her this December, during that period of time between school semesters, to ask her if she wants this to work and see if she'll want to talk it out with me, but that sort of strikes me as trying to go back on our set period of time till May, though I thought I'd tell her no matter what we accomplished, we'd still remain on a break. Or, I figure, I could ask her if she just wants to go back to 'just dating' and avoid questioning whether or not we want to be serious again until May hits (we did this for our first school year). When I get a car, I figured I could start heading up there about once a week to see her (after/if this is over, of course) so that she doesn't feel so pressured to work me into her rare, precious 'down-time at home'.

So far so good - I haven't spoken to her nor tried, and she hasn't contacted me either. But I'm just not sure about how I should proceed. Just don't want to screw this up, if there's a chance here.

Welcome to the forum. After reading this, you seem to be quite intelligent, so I really should not tell you to do what you probably intend to do anyway - and that is to send her a Birthday and Christmas card with meaning. You both are probably still pretty young, and will meet other people in your lives, but not like this again. When couples 'break' like you two it's due to geographical and/or school oriented difficulties and not only you 'getting boring' as you say, and you can always use a friend for life if it does not work out. I'm 55 and still stay in contact with my first boyfriend and we laugh about the past, present, and our hopes for the future. It is possible things will get closer later on, but you both need to concentrate on school, career, and other things. Time will tell if you are made for each other,until then, continue to stay friends and let her know you'll be there for her.

Good Luck in finding the right Birthday Card. Keep us posted.


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[Chery]

...any other suggestions for her birthday? At this point, I'm beginning to believe I shouldn't do anything at all.

Also, we're both on AIM a lot and lately she's done a lot of sitting there online when she should be 'away' (example, should be in bed, but suddenly comes back from being 'away'). If she IMs me, what do I do? If I say nothing, she'll just know I'm purposefully ignoring her rather than being 'too busy to reply'.

I also believe now this is partially her wanting to take the time to do whatever without having to worry about me, at least for a while. The only thing she wasn't "allowed" to do, though, was date/be intimate with other guys and she's not the type to do anything with anybody anyway, so I wonder how I fit into this. Why keep me around on in-limbo status if she wants to not have to worry about me? Why not just break up with me? Like I said earlier, I asked her twice if she just wanted to cut things off and she only kept saying she thought a break was probably the best for now.

I think way too much. :p

Yes you do. Put yourself in her shoes, school, probably study groups, chats (and there is nothing wrong with that, or you would not be writing us), then getting a no response, or too much response from you which will stress her out, so how would you feel? You should keep a safe distance and still let her know your are there. Is that so hard to do for you men? Are you spending time with your studies and career moves or are you 'just in limbo'. Wildcat thinks we women are clingy and pushy, but sometimes you guys take the cake. Calm down and think of the future, not just the moment!

Thinking too much - take some time to breathe!

P.S. We do this on our free time and really appreciate feedback if our answers/advice helped or not, please: click the Rate This Post link located on the blue date line above our names on the right side, next to the number of the post, click on Approve or Disapprove, and give a comment. Thanks!

[Chery]

My girlfriend called me today and said she kissed another guy and she has feelings for him. I love her so much I am willing to forgive and move on but she doesn't know. I am very upset. I don't know what to do. Please help. This feels like a bad dream.

I'ts not a bad dream, it's reality. We all go through it, and it depends on how we handle it. You can go off like a bomb, or you can do some contemplation and planning on how you will handle it if she comes back to you, but if she comes back remember she's only human, and you both are young, so don't throw the past in her face. She did call you and tell you the truth, so she trusts you enough to be confident of your forgiveness once she's made up her mind. If you change your mind, will you be just as truthful to her? This is life, kiddo, and it puts us all through trials and tribulations to harden us. My 'space' lasted two years and my b/f lived right upstairs. We are reunited now and more understanding of each other than we were before, so sometimes things do work out.
At any rate, I wish you lots of luck and strength.

[Toomai]

My girlfriend called me back and said she was truly sorry and that she realizes that I am the only one for her. I forgive her and still love her very much. We held hands and she said she won't let me go again. :) I'm off to bed now, I'll keep you all posted on how things are going soon. Thanks again for your kind and helpful words.

[JollyRoger]

Anything to add here, Wildcat?

EDIT:
No disrespect to you at all, Chery - I've simply found the two of you compliment each other well and taking comments from both of you seems to be the best approach I saw when I spent a day lurking and checking the place out.

[Chery]

My girlfriend called me back and said she was truly sorry and that she realizes that I am the only one for her. I forgive her and still love her very much. We held hands and she said she won;t let me go again. :) I'm off to bed now, I'll keep you all posted on how things are going soon. Thanks again for your kind and helpful words.

Any time, that's what we are here for, you get many choices and ideas, now it's up to you. Good Luck and keep us posted.
Remember nobody's 100% perfect.
P.S. We all do this on our free time and really appreciate feedback if our answers/advice helped or not, please: click the Rate This Post link located on the blue date line above our names on the right side, next to the number of the post, click on Approve or Disapprove, and give a comment. Thanks!

[Toomai]

I thought everything was OK, but I guess it is not. My girlfriend said she said everything was OK to make me happy. She said she felt like I was putting pressure on her. We are back to where we were a week ago. She needs to find out what makes her happy, and to figure out her feelings for this other guy. I was upset, but I knew the best thing to do was to let her have her space. If she is the one for me, she will come back; deep down I know she will. She asked me if she ever needs me will I be there for her, and I said yes; I guess that was a slight mistake on my part. She said she would understand if I saw other girls, I told her she is the only one for me, maybe not the best thing to do? (according to advise I read earlier in the thred). Anyway I went out for a long walk today to think about things. I'm going to go to church tomorrow and then spend the rest of the day at univsrsity doing work. Talk soon.

[Chery]

I thought everything was ok, but I guess it is not. My girlfriend said she said everything was ok to make me happy. She said she felt like I was putting pressure on her. We are back to where we were a week ago. She needs to find out what makes her happy, and to figure out her feelings for this other guy. I was upset, but I knew the best thing to do was to let her have her space. If she is the one for me, she will come back; deep down I know she will. She asked me if she ever needs me will I be there for her, and I said yes; I guess that was a slight mistake on my part. She said she would understand if I saw other girls, I told her she is the only one for me, maybe not the best thing to do? (according to advise i read earlier in the thred). Anyways I went out for a long walk today to think about things. I'm going to go to church tomorow and then spend the rest of the day at univsrsity doing work. Talk soon.

You can tell her you'll be there, that's OK, but you still should see other people. You cannot and should not seclude yourself waiting for someone who might not come back. This is not fair to yourself or the one who has not found you yet, and just might be the right one. So stop centering your world around her and start living. It is possible to be 'friends' with people too, and I think you should start getting used to this idea. So go out and meet people and start living for goodness sake. You are young, and will probably go through this more times than you will like, but it's a part of life we all go through. Keep us posted and have some fun, please...