[LEILA007]

To Me It Seems As Though He Has Moved On And Wants To Keep U Just In Case. However Nice He May Be Do U Think Hes Being Fair To U And Ur Feelings? Put The Cards On The Table. Let Him Know What U Want And How U Feel. If Hes Not Feeling The Same Its Time To Move On. But Be Clear With Him As Well As Yourself. It Hurts To Be Just Friends. (once A Releationship Has Ended Being Friends May Not Always Be Best For Either). Good Luck

[trishette]

TO ME IT SEEMS AS THOUGH HE HAS MOVED ON AND WANTS TO KEEP U JUST IN CASE. HOWEVER NICE HE MAY BE DO U THINK HES BEING FAIR TO U AND UR FEELINGS? PUT THE CARDS ON THE TABLE. LET HIM KNOW WHAT U WANT AND HOW U FEEL. IF HES NOT FEELING THE SAME ITS TIME TO MOVE ON. BUT BE CLEAR WITH HIM AS WELL AS UR SELF. IT HURTS TO BE JUST FRIENDS. (ONCE A RELEATIONSHIP HAS ENDED BEING FRIENDS MAY NOT ALWAYS BE BEST FOR EITHER). GOOD LUCK

Yes it seems as though he's moved on. My x fiancé acted like he was moving on. When I finally surrendered all the ways it wasn't working and sought the loving way to repair the relationship... miracles started happening right before my eyes!:D

[Sad Soul]

Yes it seems as though he's moved on. My x fiance acted like he was moving on. When i finally surrendered all the ways it wasn't working and sought the loving way to repair the relationship....miracles started happening right before my eyes!:D

Can you please explain what you wrote above. It sounds interesting.

Anyway, he called me yesterday and left a message on my cellphone saying he needed to talk to me and to please call him back. He never leaves messages saying "he needs to talk to me". The messages will usually be, "want to go for dinner and catch up" or "wanted to see how you were doing" or "merry christmas", etc.

So I actually called him back. He started to say sorry for everything that had happened. He said he made many mistakes with us and that we would have never been over it wasn't for him. I had never heard him say these things before... it was shocking and I began to cry.

I thought that he found out I had started seeing someone from work this past week. So I told him he's only feeling this way because of Kyle. And he said he didn't even know I was dating someone. Then he started to say sorry, and didn't want to ruin things for me and this new guy. He said that all he wanted to say was that he is sorry for the past.

And I asked him if that was it, and he said yeah. I was too scared to press him on... although a part of me felt that he was trying to tell me he still loved me. We talked a bit and caught up, but he would slightly bring us back to memory lane. He would also keep saying sorry for the past, and that he would often think about me.

What does this all mean? I'm happy because this was totally unexpected, but then confused too. I'm not sure what to do. I've heard of people saying that ex's come back and just test you to see if you still love them. I'm not sure. What do I do?

[trishette]

I will be glad to expound on what I discovered and it's working for me. I will get back to you with the details as soon as I can. I have to get to an appointment right now yet wanted you to know I will be glad to share with you. BREATHE! :) T.

[hpallister]

What Trishette says sounds promising! Can't wait to hear her news! :)

It sounds as though he is looking at the relationship from a more balanced angle at least and is seeing how certain thinngs must have felt for you - this is a big step! Next time you speak to him, don't mention Kyle at all, and see what he says. Your confusion is understandable but he is obviously confused too - give things time, and protect yourself - make sure you're happy in yourself. It could be that he's simply feeling guilty and wants to fix things in that respect, or it could be that he wants you back, it's too soon to tell. If you two do reunite though, you must move forward in a different and hopefully stronger relationship, and let go of the pst as best you can.
X

[trishette]

Can you please explain what you wrote above. It sounds interesting.

Anyway, he called me yesterday and left a message on my cellphone saying he needed to talk to me and to please call him back. He never leaves messages saying "he needs to talk to me". The messages will usually be, "want to go for dinner and catch up" or "wanted to see how you were doing" or "merry christmas", etc.

So I actually called him back. He started to say sorry for everything that had happened. He said he made many mistakes with us and that we would have never been over it wasn't for him. I had never heard him say these things before... it was shocking and I began to cry.

I thought that he found out I had started seeing someone from work this past week. So I told him he's only feeling this way because of Kyle. And he said he didn't even know I was dating someone. Then he started to say sorry, and didn't want to ruin things for me and this new guy. He said that all he wanted to say was that he is sorry for the past.

And I asked him if that was it, and he said yeah. I was too scared to press him on... although a part of me felt that he was trying to tell me he still loved me. We talked a bit and caught up, but he would slightly bring us back to memory lane. He would also keep saying sorry for the past, and that he would often think about me.

What does this all mean? I'm happy because this was totally unexpected, but then confused too. I'm not sure what to do. I've heard of people saying that ex's come back and just test you to see if you still love them. I'm not sure. What do I do?

ok here goes...first off, you have to be told i am a believer in the Creator of the Universe whom i call God (Jesus). This doesn't prevent me from getting rained on anymore or less than the UNbeleiver. The difference is...i understand because i sought the knowledge of HIS ways. It's always about HIM showing us to ourselves, Sad Soul (and i would like to suggest your name to be changed.) Being sad is like being in a prison. i'm going to do my best to tell you, as condensed as possible how i broke OUT of the obsession...i was "stuck" in a non working behavior relationship with my x. i'm going to list some of this behavior and perhaps you will recognize some of it in yourself. Explaining,reasoning,pressuring,being depressed,i swore i would be "more loving" towards him, i promised i'd "change", i threatened, begged, whined, argued, blamed, tried avoiding him, pleaded, prayed, wished, hoped, expected him to change or do something different, pointed out his shortcomings, had tantrums, accused him of "using me", i was angry, tried to show him how "wrong he was", i put him down, and worst...called all my friends for "advice." All that did was dig the grave deeper everytime i heard myself tell the things 'he' was doing to 'me.' Of course they sided with me because, isn't that a "friends obligation?" Guess what? Until i admitted the way I was pushing this wonderful man away from me (subconscienceously from past triggered wounding)...the relationship was doomed. Hear me...we can't control what other people do and if you try to become what THEY want you to be, you will only wind up resenting them in the long run and the relationship will not last. When J and i first met, we had great times together. It was fun getting to know each other. Then the "real us" starts showing and this is where the trouble begins. Because i didn't have the tools to be any other way, i wasn't accepting him for who he was. i didn't listen enough, i would tell him he was wrong about something and wasn't allowing him to have his own opinion/feelings about a subject. Listen, i did so many things UN aware. i really am trying to condense this...after i LET GO and gave the whole situation to God, He started showing me, first off, to apologize. After i did this and J saw how truly sorry i was, he said let's forgive each other and let all of the past go. Now, this is where the change has to come in...this did NOT mean we were to be INSTANTLY back to being engaged again!! This process takes TIME. When i started to do the OPPOSITE of what i HAD been doing, it brought the good side out in him. i amazed myself, believe me. i stopped calling him, sending emails, writing letters and taping them to his door, stopped with the cards and gifts, ya know... all the things we do to "get the person back?" We needed time to HEAL. i had been so sick and obsessed over the break up for 3 weeks straight. Within this time i started 'applying' the "new and improved" me. When i wrote out my request to the LORD about getting re-engaged, i put it and our picture, in a special envelope and LEAVE it in my Bible. i am now ok NOT knowing the outcome because i KNOW the LORD has the BEST plan for the both of us. You HAVE to surrender and ADMIT the powerless of it all (otherwise you feel you have to control it.)
The other day when we saw each other, he walked over to me, without a word and kissed me so tenderly on my forehead. (he 's also called me several times and the conversations have been short and sweet)Wow! You have to remember, we had had a really hard break up. i said NOTHING about the relationship, NOTHING about the past, NOTHING about if he was seeing someone, NOTHING about hoping for another chance! i was the happy, strong, loving person he met in the beginning. The one he fell in love with enough to ask me to marry him. i was DONE beating myself up. i guess to sum the whole thing up...this relationship is in REPAIR. i DON"T have to always be right. i CAN be happy at any time. Instead of "working on" the relationship (i wasn't working on it when we first met), i just want to be IN it and appreciate it and have it be all the best that it can be. Now that i have been shown the errors of MY ways, i can CHOOSE the 'quality' of how i want a good relationship to go. This is all taking time and willingness to keep working on bettering myself. When i understood the TRUE meaning of LOVE (the Way God wants it)...everything is falling into place. Do i hope J and i will get to share our lives together? Without a single doubt...YES!! However...if it was never to be in the FIRST place...i have learned a vital lesson (so you see the "breaking up" of relationships can be used as a way for us to become better people. God meant it for our GOOD) and will take the 'transformed' me to the man who will see and appreciate my worth....which is "far above that of rubies." i pray this testimony has been of some help. T.;)

[trishette]

What Trishette says sounds promising! Can't wait to hear her news! :)

It sounds as though he is looking at the relationship from a more balanced angle at least and is seeing how certain thinngs must have felt for you - this is a big step! Next time you speak to him, don't mention Kyle at all, and see what he says. Your confusion is understandable but he is obviously confused too - give things time, and protect yourself - make sure you're happy in yourself. It could be that he's simply feeling guilty and wants to fix things in that respect, or it could be that he wants you back, it's too soon to tell. If you two do reunite though, you must move forward in a different and hopefully stronger relationship, and let go of the pst as best you can.
x

For me, it has been the complete realization of not NEEDING my x finance or the relationship. Do i want it? Absolutely! Stop and think about the difference. As a matter of fact...i'm doing much more thinking than i am feeling.;)

[farfrmnormal]

I am happy to read what you wrote Trishette - perhaps you can take a look at my post "Trying to Make Sense Of This All" Give me your two cents.

[Sad Soul]

Trishette!!

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that long and helpful post for me. It does help a lot, and I can see how you and I went through a lot of the same things, aka made a lot of the same mistakes. I have realized that this breakup has been a blessing in the sense that it made me realize that I love him. I do believe that God (a higher being) is always there to help and has a master plan, but I also do believe that God has given us free will. My ex has free will, and I have free will.

I guess what you are saying is to stop misusing my free will to only dig myself deeper in the dirt, and instead I should be smart with it and live my life to a healthier and happier degree. And to just trust life.

To train myself into using my free will properly, you are saying to concentrate or to pray to God for help (at least I think that is what you are saying). That sounds perfect and I am trying to do this. It's difficult though, I admit, to be strong at times. I think I'm often bipolar with this - like a rollercoaster... up and down, up and down.

I have been praying very hard. And I am very thankful that he contacted me. I am also very scared though. Today I'm feeling as though he might be, without knowing it, putting me in "check". I had been distancing myself... but suddenly this has pulled me back to him. We are starting to communicate again... but my friends and family warn that I am going back in circles and that he is just lonely in England...

I wish he could just lay the cards out on the table. But then, I know he will not do this, because I sense he is very confused.

[Sad Soul]

I've been feeling very scared and emotionally drained again. Damn it…I'm ashamed that I'm back on this road again…
Him and I just talked online and it was so casual. It was very different than when he said he “needed to talk to me” because it was more intense that night when he kept saying how he had messed up in our relationship, and that he often thinks about me, and he kept saying sorry etc…

We told each other we'll always remain best friends. Now I'm scared because today it was just small talk and joking around.

I think I long for him telling me he loves me. I wonder if he'll ever just come to me and say it. I feel like I really need to hear it from him. I'm tierd of not knowing all the time. I also feel like after all that time I put in to make sure he knows how much I care about him and that I love him, I deserve to hear “I love you”. I just don't understand why it can't happen that way.

What do I do? Especially with his sudden apologies for the past, and trying to talk about “us” and telling me he's realized that if he hadn't messed up, we would still be together.
This isn't the clear “I want you”. I'm so scared to go down this whole road of thinking, “omg he wants me again” but to only discover it was him missing me for the moment… or just pulling me back to him.

What do I do? I don't want to mess up the chance that might be there right now, but I'm also getting depressed again, even though our phone conversation that night lifted me up…

I've been going through this rollercoaster for over a year with him… I thought this was a miracle when it happened, but then my friends are warning me to cut communication for good. I'm scared that he's just being a good friend in his head, while I'm praying for him to be a good lover.

[farfrmnormal]

I am emotionally drained as well... I feel your pain that's for sure. I am at a loss for words.

[talaniman]

So you would poison your whole future, instead of letting go, and moving on?? Do you have anything, but this person? Your whole life is about what you do with it. If your going to be stuck, then what's the point?? If you need someone so much, can't you understand how unhealthy that is? Wake up and realise he doesn't hold you back, YOU DO!!

[kmg52089]

Tell him how you honestly feel about him. Then ask him if he feels any of the same feelings you do. If he says yes ask him to give it a second chance if he says no than just drop it and move on. Don't dwell on something that's not going to happen. It's a painful road but only for the first part. Time heals all things so just give it time and if you 2 were meant to be than love will find its way.

[Sad Soul]

So you would poison your whole future, instead of letting go, and moving on??? Do you have anything, but this person?? Your whole life is about what you do with it. If your going to be stuck, then what's the point??? If you need someone so much, can't you understand how unhealthy that is ?? Wake up and realise he doesn't hold you back, YOU DO!!!

A friend suggested to not "coldly" ignore him or to not "coldly" tell him to leave me alone (incase he is trying to get back together)... but to instead "kindly" ignore him. For example, I should listen to what he has to say for a few moments and then confess that I have to run.

Yes Talaniman, I agree that even though for the moment it was amazing to hear what he had to say a few nights ago, this is a bit of poison for me. I admit I'm not strong enough, and the insecurities of us being apart has left me with negative and unsure thoughts about what he's up to or on the subject of "us" in general. Until I work on myself and become stronger, aka get my confidence back, I'm not ready to fully communicate with him.

I'm feeling a bit better now. My last post was definitely me being at the bottom of this rollercoaster.

[trishette]

I am happy to read what you wrote Trishette - perhaps you can take a look at my post "Trying to Make Sense Of This All" Give me your two cents.

i did read your post. My reply is worth so much more then the 2 cents you ask for. i have lived through what i'm telling you. Go back and re read what i wrote to SAD SOUL. It's when we try so hard to hold on to what does not work or try to manipulate and control another human being....we will never learn the lesson the God of the Universe wants us to. It's all about moving forward, making different choices with better options. The definintion of insanity is: doing the same thing, which has never worked, and thinking THIS time it will!" If you don't think you can do it alone...get professional help. STOP listening to family and friends, they most likely don't have the "manual on the logistics of relationships either.:rolleyes:

[Sad Soul]

i did read your post. My reply is worth so much more then the 2 cents you ask for. i have lived through what i'm telling you. Go back and re read what i wrote to SAD SOUL. It's when we try so hard to hold on to what does not work or try to manipulate and control another human being....we will never learn the lesson the God of the Universe wants us to. It's all about moving forward, making different choices with better options. The definintion of insanity is: doing the same thing, which has never worked, and thinking THIS time it will!" If you don't think you can do it alone...get professional help. STOP listening to family and friends, they most likely don't have the "manual on the logistics of relationships either.:rolleyes:

Trish, thanks again for posting. I want to be more positive. I think that's the only way and BEST way to survive in general in this life.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I should communicate with him? Like should I ignore him for now? And when he comes around, I'm not sure how I should interact with him, or whether I am even ready to... I'm really afraid of the whole rollercoaster with him, especially in the middle of school and work.

I read your personal post (aka your Question for people on this site). Was this sudden miracle of your ex coming back something that happened within the past few weeks? I'm asking because the "question" you posted was fairly recent, and seemed as if you were in a state of frenzy. Anyway, I'm excited and happy for you. It's good to see the story go this way for a change.

[talaniman]

Until I work on myself and become stronger, aka get my confidence back, I'm not ready to fully communicate with him.

You are cutting contact for you to get healthy, not be nice to him. No Contact is not being rude, but brief, without getting into any deep conversations with him, about anything. Its you saying hi, and getting on about your business. Busy and unavailable, to him. This is for your own good, and not his.

[trishette]

Trish, thanks again for posting. I want to be more positive. I think that's the only way and BEST way to survive in general in this life.

Do you have any suggestions as to how I should communicate with him? Like should I ignore him for now? And when he comes around, I'm not sure how I should interact with him, or whether I am even ready to... I'm really afraid of the whole rollercoaster with him, especially in the middle of school and work.

I read your personal post (aka your Question for people on this site). Was this sudden miracle of your ex coming back something that happened within the past few weeks? I'm asking because the "question" you posted was fairly recent, and seemed as if you were in a state of frenzy. Anyway, I'm excited and happy for you. It's good to see the story go this way for a change.

S S Whoa...i never said my x and i were back together. i was sharing with you the tools i've been using to keep from repeating my old behavior patterns. Yes, i was in a frenzy (putting it mildly) at the time i wrote the post. Each day since then, i've been seeking professional help and seeking God's best for my life (which may or may not be J.) i said i am now OK with NOT knowing. i am taking care of ME and my non working behavior. Basically, you are allowing this man to manipulate and control you. You have not let go due to obsession or all this fear you constantly seem to have. Fear is a strong motivator, i know this first hand. You have to ask yourself...what am i so afraid of? What satisfaction am i getting from this worry and fear? i mean, if this guy were to die tomorrow, wouldn't you still have to carry on with the calling on your own life? For me, i've come to realize having a love relationship is like the icing on the cake yet...cake can still taste good without it. As much as i love my x and miss him, i must go on and take care of ME. It sounds like the both of you have some growing to do and you can't do it successfully (as your break up proves) when you are together as a couple. You still sound so needy, my friend, and fearful. These are chains that bind us. True love is mutual respect and holding each other in high esteem. You are stuck in some form of unrequited love and it's making you sick with worry. STOP IT... only YOU can keep laying it down.Now look... you know I understand what you are going through so I'm not blowing any smoke here. If you do not choose to get off the roller coaster, you are doomed to go up down it again and again until YOU decide to get the heck off! I KNOW the pain and the waiting is tough yet it has to be done. Like I said, I've stopped calling him and when he does call, I speak politely, and we talk in small increments. I do NOT bring up one thing about the past, who he is or isn't seeing, or anything about him and me. I am NOT any longer working on the relationship. i am working on being the best me i can be. Remember I told you, he is now talking to the me I was when we first met only BETTER! J is the one who decided he didn't want the relationship the way it was. I was not the only one messing up either by the way! There were 2 major issues in his life I would not put up with. So, do you see it yet? With every goodbye you can learn. It's when we bring the same old stuff into the next relationship, the same things will happen again and again. I choose not to allow this to happen. My prayers are with you.:)

[Sad Soul]

I haven't been trying hard enough to heal. Or it's probably that I haven't been trying the right way.

It's scarey for me to let go. I'm going to anyway though.

Thanks for all the time everyone put in on helping me with my question. The advice has been very useful.

[ZOE123]

I am a little older and female so here is my thought. Life is way too short and sometimes the love that we feel when we are younger can be the love of our lives and the most innocent. I would call him out for a friendly lunch. When he gets there, kiss him on the cheek and gradually start talking about your feelings. Obviously, he cares about you and enough to go out of his way to do things for you... that says so much right there. Guys do not go out of there way just for friends!! He still cares, but you guys aren't being honest with each other. Tell him how you feel and that you would love to start dating again. See how he responds and acts. If he says NO and he just wants to be friends, then at least it's out in the open and you tried. Then, just let go of it and move on. If he agress with you, then give him time to let go of his present relationship and have fun with your love. Just remember one thing... life is short and he could be gone tomorrow forever and you would have never let him know how you felt so go for it... good luck!