[Wildcat21]

I a,m harsh.

But you need to really learn abour women. Women are in the Bizzaro world - they don't think like we do - they FEEL - we're mostly logic. It's HOW you make them feel.

Begging, gifts, flowers - NO!! The want an independent man - not a little boy. They don''t want to be put on a pedestal ever. 80% of the time they are your friend - 20% romatic.

You're lucky that you're young and can learn this stuff NOW!!

You need to learn - LESS of you is MORE!! You don't have to call her 5 times a day, e-mail, text all day long - yuck. Get a life. Be busy. See her when oyu can. Don't spend an hour o nthe phone.

[Wildcat21]

You want t omake her miss you. Want you. Be proud of you. Respect you.

Being needy, insecure, is horrible for business.

[Tony J]

Dude I know exactly what you are going through. Take some time and work on something constuctive that will be positive for you. Try counseling, if you do not have insurance or a lot of money call around to different counselors offices and explain you situation. Some counselors will give discounted rates or sometimes take a case probono. Most likely you will get better with time. Try your best to stop ruminating on your situation and use your friends for emotional and social support. If all else fails turn to religion.

[Teaching]

Try this website: Darren L. Johnson Official Website | Letting Go of Stuff | Motivational Books| Self Growth Audio Book., you can ask for advice.

[Ash123]

3 days is not a lot. It just feels like an eternity because you've been with her.

1) I would highly recommend you buy a calendar.
And for 90 days on a new calendar mark each day.
You can put in an adjective or phrase a day of how you feel. 2 and up to 3 if really in pain.
This sounds a bit obsessive, but if it only a minute a day and it gives you a paradigm and structure to put your hurting brain in, it will help you. Do this and KNOW that when you get to day 90 you will be in a new place.
You will see the adjectives change and you may be surprised that you may not even want to write something as time goes on... if you've been married or have been with someone more than 5 years you may need to double the days...

2) No cheating. If you (text, email, purposely run into mutual friends, call, write, stalk, visit common spot "gym" or your favorite bar... start over. If you do this you will survive. Really.

3) As far as no contact, IF this is your first break up and she was not 100% sure, the ONLY way to get her back is SILENCE. It's not simply manipulative. It's respectful. And that is very important. The truth is your Girlfriend feels VULNERABLE right now. Believe it or not, she does not like this feeling and the only way you can nurture her and also show strength is to let her be. This is subtle but important. If and when the time comes to drop her a line it will be after 90 days, and then you will see this all clearly. And that is strong in her eyes as well.


4) To gain control, you need to relenquish control.

5) can you articulate to friends why you miss her? See if it really sounds like love and a strong equal partnership.
Now here's the really tough part: do you want her back for real or for your ego? If for your ego - when she comes back, talk frankly but consider that this was a proper end to let you find your fate.


6) Regardless of the outcome, if you all have a good foundation, this may be the best thing that ever happened to you! Giving a partner time to think is respectful and validates them and YOU. She doesn't want a guy who bothers her now. (Unless you did something wrong to break her heart ) Your work has already been done. Now you sit back and stay busy.


I will not bore you with my story but I have seen it many times the power of respecting silence.
Just a couple days ago, it happened again... Why did she come back? I think because I respected her time.

7) life is not that cruel. Inside of 90 days - perhaps less - this will all look differently.

8) IF you do not feel like you can do any of this after a few weeks, call a therapist or counselor. They are very good at helping you find your "happy place" aka sanity again!

[Nosnosna]

To reiterate what others have said, and add my two cents (of course)

1) This is not a trick to get her back. This is about you, not her. Worry about you, let her worry about her, and maybe sometime in the future things will change the way you think you want them to. Of course, by then, you'll likely think differently anyway.
2) Three days is nothing. It's not even a start. If you can't last three days, then you needed out of the relationship anyway, because three days out of contact is a holiday weekend with family. If you can't manage that kind of thing, you need to reassess the entire relationship anyway.
3) It's not no contact if you're actively waiting for them to call. That's just playing the spite game. The spite game isn't any kind of getting over the relationship, it isn't any kind of personal growth. It's simply a childish way to try and prove that you're better than them. Guess what? Even if you win the spite game, all that proves is that you're more childish than them. And that ain't better than much.
4) If she calls now, and you get back together like you say you want to, then these few days have been worthless. You're both exactly the same people, and your relationship will be exactly the same as it was, except that now you'll have the nice little bonus of the random break-up option any time something little bothers one of you.

If you actually WANT to do no contact, then send her stuff back to her via a mutual friend. No messages, just the stuff. It's hers anyway, she shouldn't have to ask for it, and you shouldn't want to keep it. Stop waiting for her to call... stop caring about that part at all. If you want to make this worth your while, take the time for yourself, get some personal growth in, and only then will you be ready for her to call.

[Copperhead6]

You think your confused now, imagine how confused you are actually going to be if she calls. Her not calling is a good thing. It makes your train of thought that much easier. You want the call to show her that you are okay without her. Well if that is all she is calling to hear then you better believe she is 90 miles to nothing checking on you and hitting the road for good. Then your going to be back to square one. Don't worry about her calling unless she actually does because believe me, if she does you are going to start rethinking everything all over again. I know your confused about what you want, but the more time away from contact you have with her the clearer you will see things.

[s_cianci]

I want to make it clear that i am not waiting for her, im keeping myself occupied.

Based on the tone of your post, you claim this to be true but you really don't believe it yourself. If you believed it yourself, you wouldn't care in the least whether she ever called you or not ; in fact you really wouldn't even want her to call. Don't count on her to ever call you again and don't wait for her to call. You've got to make yourself happy for you, not so you can impress her. At best, impressing her with your newfound happiness is just a fringe benefit if she should happen to eventually call you or if you should happen to run into her. And yes, it may make her have more respect for you and it may or may not make her want you back but that is not why it's done. It's done strictly for your own benefit and, to a lesser extent, to improve the odds of success with your next relationship.

[s_cianci]

I have counted a LOT of times where i had to literally beg on my knees for her to stay. And everytime i would better myself and fix the problem. I would give her everything she wanted... gifts, flowers, cards and letters, patience, devotion, my love and commitment. It wasnt enough... she would then want to keep leaving, until finally she did. I was devasted because i had given EVERYTHING i had...i tried my best to make it work and make it happy even when i was dying inside. I would cry myself to sleep and wake up the next morning to ask for more

This was your first mistake right here. Far too needy and clingy.

[/QUOTE]As for myself, I think I'm too jealous and insecure, I would always call her and stay by her side literally everyday. I think I smothered her too much to the point where she's just sick of me.[/QUOTE]

You hit it right on the head with this. Your neediness and clinginess pushed her away. You've got some major work to do on yourself right now. You've got to develop strength and independence and overcome needing someone else to make you happy. Learn to be your own best friend. Start living for yourself and doing the things you want to do. Realize that you can be truly happy without her. That's the best way for you to heal from this and have more success with your next relationship.

[Skell]

lol.. she has low self-esteem. And as far as i know.. all girls have low self-esteem and think that their all fat. She just has a lot of confidence and self esteem OVER me in this situation.

Hmmm interesting thoughts. I think now I may know why your single, and more so why she hasn't called you!

Yes wildcat.. i am needy and insecure, weak, and i know that NC isnt suppose to bring them back (I have heard that a thousand times), BUT and i say "BUT" so many times, i need to show her that i am ok without her, and for her to realize how different life is without me. And hopefully, i will get a call from the no-contact treatment, so that i can show her that im not needy anymore. The pain is going away slowly, but i get times at which it is unbearable. And are you saying that if i make myself unavailable, that she would call me?

You are gravely mistaken my friend if you think no contacting her will show her your not needy and insecure. You are that needy and insecure that it will be impossible for you to prove it to anyone until you actually take some time and work on yourself.

Charades and games don't work! You can act all you like but you'll get found out and then you'll really realise how much time you are wasting!

[Ash123]

Well, there's always the OTHER Solution. The "IMissHer"
Do the opposite of everything you've heard here. I mean you never know.
Settle this in your mind once and for all. Pick up the phone. Call her. Send flowers. Chocolates. Text her. And make an online love card for her. Tell her that you are the only one for her and she knows it. Or she is the only one for you and she will never find anyone better. And if she looks for another guy after your 2 1/2 years together, then she's wasting precious time she could be spending with her man. Then let us all know how it goes. You never know..
NOT what I (or many others) would do (I've already penned a long suggestion),
But it might calm you down tonight.

[Wildcat21]

Ash - right on. Only works in the Movies. This is reality. Time to grow up!

[Wildcat21]

You need to do other things in oyur life - get to the gym - work out. New hobbies. Work harder at work and school. Hang with your friends. Hang with your family.

[Wildcat21]

Less of you is MORE!! A lot of guys just don't get that.

She's not going to forget about you. SHE WILL forget you for good if you're always there like a sick puppy - YUCK!! Not attractive.

WHY do you think most women (and they won't admit this) are attracted to the bad boy - jerk - he's what we call a CHALLENGE!! He ISN'T there 24/7 checking up on her... needing to be with her.

The down side is the jerk/bad boy is really, really, really unhealthy for women for many, many, many reasons.

The goal is to be a good guy... ever hear women like the tall/silent type? NOT the needy, clingy, jealous.

Guys - one tip - she should call you just as much - if not more. If you're calling, e-mailing, texting 3 times a day... well then you have a problem.

Be busy wait it out... do you want to be her just now or in 6 months?

Give women their space - for the love of god!! Make her miss you and think about you.

No one wants some lame insecure dude - always checking up on you - and if you're a little mysterious - she'll love you for it.

[imissher]

Nicely said.. trying my best! Just forgive me.. because I didn't realize how much of a retard I was.

[Wildcat21]

What's to forgive... just learn. Become man about things. A real man - a man women covet to be with because you're a good guy - who has a lot of interesting things going on in his life. A fun guy - you should covet to become the fun guy - women won't leave you alone.

ALWAYS be busy with other things. Women can come and go. You put too much importance into one... heartache/heartbreak

[chuff]

nicely said.. trying my best! Just forgive me.. coz i didnt realize how much of a retard i was.

Bro, give yourself a break and some credit. I don't want to speak for WC or anybody else but the reason we have to come on strong at the beginning is because posts like yours and the others we see here daily have a similar theme. The problem with all of us saying something along the lines of "Your a great guy and one day you'll find a dream girl, this just wasn't the one, you did nothing wrong" is because that's what your friends and family ALWAYS say. And your friends and family are ALWAYS wrong because they don't want to hurt your feelings anymore. So you begin to think it's true and repeat the say stuff over and over.

Look dude, we can all see your in tremendous emotional pain. Nobodies denying it and nobodies mocking you for it. I'd totally have your back if they were. We've all been there in that place your at now. Every last one us. But the pain will go away. I promise you that. It's what you do then that makes a difference. If you repeat this same pattern for over and over again then you've got real problems. And that is coming from an idiot that did just that. But if you can learn now to accept the pain and know why you got to this point then it makes it easier in the future, because the reality probably is you'll have some more break ups. They will probably suck too, but not as much. That first one always stings the worst. Always.

But you've got probably another 60 to 80 years of life ahead of you, maybe more by the way medical breakthroughs are happening. This is just a bump in the road. Trust me, no matter how much it sucks now when your 50 you'll wonder why you even thought it was a big deal. Hell you'll probably being doing that in a year from now.

But you have to give yourself some credit here too. With absolutely no idea and with no experience what to do you went all out and gave her everything of yourself. It was the wrong decision, it was 100% the wrong thing to do. But you gave it an attempt. That's more than some would do. Give yourself some credit here. Don't beat yourself up over this one girl or this one situation. You said you gave everything, and although you got nothing in return back from a emotional or commitment standpoint you got back more than she ever got. You got some tools to use in the future. She's got flowers that died in a couple weeks.

At your age she wasn't going to be with you for life so you actually got something far more valuable then she did even though she got gifts. You got a education that can last a lifetime if you choose to use it. You can apply what you learned here to the next girl. I'm not trying to scare you but she probably won't work out either. But if you can apply what your've learned and learn some more you'll start setting the groundwork for a better future.

[imissher]

First off, I would like to thank everybody for helping me out, and trust me, it has helped to keep my head from exploding.

I understand what you've all said because you've been there and done that, but I don't see any reason why I should'nt try to get her back. Basically, what I'm trying to say here is, I just need some closure. Because when she left a couple of days ago, it was a spur of the moment kind of thing.

I just want her to call, possibly ask for her stuff back or even check on how I'm doing, but either way, I want that call so I'm able to decide on what I should do. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, doing no-contact so that I can get a response from her.

Im not expecting us to get back together and live happily ever after. I just want to "try" to get her back, and maximize my chances of getting her back. If it doesn't work out, then so be it... but I can't leave this, laying my head low and forgetting about it. I just want to see where this goes, and I'm hoping that shed call me and talk about it, and ill take it from there. Remember that she left randomly, I have not done anything wrong to hurt her, hence she still has to have SOME feelings, otherwise she would be heartless. She can't throw away 3 yrs and be happy right after.

I do want her back ( don't kill me for wanting to), so theoretically speaking(without talking about how to make myself better, blah blah ), how do I maximize my chances?

Quitters never win, why? Because they quit.

[talaniman]

She can't throw away 3 yrs and be happy right after.

You have assumed a lot without facts, but I feel your need to at least find out things for yourself. Do what ya gotta do keep us updated.

[ForeverZero]

You can't think for her. If she calls for her stuff, you know what to do. Be hontest, but be rational as well. Don't beg and plead. Tell her how you feel honestly, and without emotion. They won't believe a word you're saying if they can hear your tears hitting the phone. The best chance you have of getting through to her is to be calm and rational. She left for a reason. You want her back, and aknowledge that her problem with you is real, and you're willing to do the work to solve it. Beyond that, she's on her own. Right now you're on your own. Try not to plan on the best case scenario, plan for the worst.