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Ther4peuticH3at · May 31, 2010, 07:30 AM

Isn't it her responsibility to "seal all the cracks" when she makes a commitment to someone else? I mean, should I really have to worry that she's going to leave me for someone else the moment things cease to be perfect between us?

Homegirl 50 · May 31, 2010, 07:51 AM

It is the responsibility of both of you to maintain a relationship.
If a couple is having problems they both have to work on fixing the problem.

If my husband seems to be unhappy or bothered by something, I can't leave it up to him to figure it out and fix it, as his partener, I am to try and find out what the problem is too, do what I can to help, it could be something I'm doing. You work together.

When you see a man sniffing around your lady and she seems to be looking in that direction, you don't just assume she loves you so much it doesn't matter. If she is looking, she has taken part of her eye off you. Step up your game, talk to her, spend time with her, see if there is something you are doing that has cause her attention to be taken away from you. Take her back to where you too started.
Couples often fall apart because they begin to take each other for granted. They assume the person is goig to always be there no matter what, so they don't give that extra kiss, spend that extra time say that I love you.

If you don't put air in your tires every now and then, they will go flat. You can't assume they are fine just because they are not flat.
There are generally warning signs, it is up to both of you to pay attention.

Aniuska1010 · May 31, 2010, 07:56 AM

Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at

Isn't it her responsibility to "seal all the cracks" when she makes a commitment to someone else? I mean, should I really have to worry that she's going to leave me for someone else the moment things cease to be perfect between us?

Wow! I just read this whole thread (as closely as I could) and I truly feel for you! This last point you make (and many you made before hand) I think are truly reasonable, wise points. I've recently been questioning, and grappling with what commitment really means to people, and how easy it seems to be for some people who on the outside seem quite trustworthy, to say they are committed, while literally turning around, and two seconds later spitting all over the idea and meaning of true commitment. Definitely when one commits to someone, it is their responsibility to "seal the cracks" and have the honor and respect for the other person to involve them in the discussion and communication of the temptations, insecurities, and doubts that they might feel. Everyone has doubts... people in committed relationships are attracted to someone else everyday... and plenty of people struggle with how to be respectful and true to the one you are committed to. I don't think anyone is immune to all of those struggles and then some... I just believe that a true partnership should involve putting out all of those issues into the open. That takes a lot of courage and strength, of course, but in the long run it is the most honorable and descent thing to do and what will be best for the relationship.

I was recently dumbfounded when a friend spoke about being totally committed to their girlfriend of 4 years, yet a few months prior he cheated on her (which he explained away as doubts having to do with being young and afraid of the ulitmate committment) and now doesn't feel that he will ever tell her. When I questioned why he didn't speak to her about his doubts and fears at the time that he was experiencing them, and was facing temptations, he seriously responded that it was was because it wasn't "her problem" that it was "his problem," and that their relationship was perfect! I was pretty dumbfounded by that because that was literally uttered in the same breath that he was talking about his total commitment to his girlfriend and how much he regrets having betrayed her. So... I guess I just think that a true partnership should be just that.. a partnership. Your problems/issues are mine and vice versa. BTW, I feel for my friend if there is this great lack of communication after 4 years with someone! Probably will turn out how you describe.. whenever he has a doubt or an issue with the realationship, he will turn elsewhere, rather than communicate with the one person that truly deserves his honesty. Trust is such a difficult thing! I wish you luck...

talaniman · May 31, 2010, 08:10 AM

You had all the red flags before you but chose to ignore them, or act appropriately. Common when in denial, so now reality has you angry, and that too is very common.

You chose a blind trust over real trust which starts and ends with you, but this experience will make you more alert as you move through the grief and healing process.

Give yourself a break guy, as you have shown many signs in this post of getting it, and wanting to do the right thing and are hardly the first guy to be blinded by love, and fooled completely. Those of us who have recognized your dilemma, and like us, you will go through a bunch of feelings before you can make peace with them and cope with them. Its sucks and hurts like hell to be betrayed, trust me we know that all to well, but a lesson well learned.

Just don't act upon anything you are feeling, and in TIME they will pass.

Homegirl 50 · May 31, 2010, 08:12 AM

A partner deserves trust, but if you are in a relationship where someone is always trying to fix you, you are not likely going to trust that person. If there is no communication in the relationship you are not likely going to trust.

When something goes wrong in a relationship it is generally a two way thing. A breech has been caused by something.
In a relationship your partner should have your back and you theirs.
If you think there is a problem with your girl, you invite her to share it and she should do the same. You don't say "well that's on you, it's not my problem"
But that kind of trust in communication must be built. If it is not there and built on, it's not going to happen.

Ther4peuticH3at · May 31, 2010, 08:20 AM

This is a great argument for justifying infidelity.

talaniman · May 31, 2010, 08:30 AM

There is no justification for infidelity. NONE at all. It is a selfish, easy way out, instead of dealing with your difficulties, and confusions, in a mature positive way.

You can justify anything but bad behavior is just that... bad behavior, and allowing it, or rewarding it invites even more.

Call it what it really is... an EXCUSE THAT MEANS NOTHING.

Ther4peuticH3at · May 31, 2010, 08:45 AM

talaniman, I'm really going to have to work on this "trust" thing. I'm going to have find something that works. I've ALWAYS given trust blindly and completely. I trust people until they give me a reason not to. I'm scared that if I don't, doubt will creep in and I'll always question people's honesty, integrity and motives. I don't want to do that. I don't want to spend my life looking behind my back, "waiting" for people to screw me over. Blind trust.. I thought it was for the best, I thought it was the only way I wanted to live my life. I don't know what I'm going to do now.

I guess I should just make people earn it... God, that just sounds so much harder but I guess it protects me.

Homegirl 50 · May 31, 2010, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by Ther4peuticH3at

This is a great argument for justifying infidelity.

I am not justifying infidelity.
All I'm saying is it is not the sole responsibility of one person in a relationship to keep things in working order.

I'm also saying that if you have not built trust in the relationship, a person is not going to trust you enough to talk to you.
If you are with someone who criticizes what you do, who makes you feel inadequate, it is not likely that person is going to come to you with a concern.
And if you take your relationship for granted and assume everything is OK, if you don't think you have to work at it, don't be surprised if someone gets your partner's attention.

I'm not excusing cheating, it is that person's choice and fault, but a happy person will not stray and if you are into your partner, generally you know if they are unhappy and you need to try and find out why.

Generally speaking, a man knows what is going on in his house because he is not assuming anything not taking things for granted. He keeps the door of communication open and allows for imperfections in personalities as he has them himself. When something goes wrong he mans up and takes ownership of his part. This goes for both the man and woman.

If she left you for this man, she should have told you that was the reason. Maybe she did need space to find out what she wanted but that is on her.
But there were problems in your relationship. There was a crack there.

talaniman · May 31, 2010, 09:37 AM

Had to spread the rep. but that was it in a nutshell. When you are paying attention, and learn to know your partner well, you will get clues to her feelings and what you should do about it.

I guess I should just make people earn it... God, that just sounds so much harder but I guess it protects me.

Now your catching on.

Homegirl 50 · May 31, 2010, 09:47 AM

I don't know that you can make a person earn respect. I think ones actions prompt respect.
If you treat a person like they are beneath you, you are not likely to get respect. They may be subservient to a point, but there is no respect.

"you respect me or else" does not cut it IMO. If you have to force it, it is not there to begin with.
So when you say You have to make a person earn respect what is it you mean?
What is respect to you?

Ther4peuticH3at · Jun 1, 2010, 11:49 AM

So, today the anger is still washing over me. It frustrates me that my every thought is still consumed by this whole situation. I want to get back to my life, back to being single, back to being oriented with things that are important to ME. But every other second my thoughts turn to her, and him and everything I want to hate about them.

I know if I ever see this guy I can't be held responsible for my actions. This sneaky bastard spent months preying on her when he knew she was already involved. It's not like he would have ever had the balls to approach her in my presence.

The best I can do for now is not to initiate any contact with her or him. But I worry what would happen if I encountered either of them in person.

I talked to my dad about this anger. He said that anger and emotions are one of those things that no one can ever take away from you. His advice was to FEEL it. Let it pass through me, don't repress it and eventually it will pass. He gave me consent to, while feeling this, do whatever I needed to/felt like, short of physical confrontation.

All I want to do is be OVER this. I want apathy to wash over me. I want to never hear from or about her ever again; yet I find myself itching to check her Facebook to see him saying crap like "You make me so happy" "At least we have each other"... I'm infuriated just typing that, but it comes from actual posts he's made to her profile.

talaniman · Jun 1, 2010, 04:42 PM

Checking her profile is foolish and just keeps the emotional dust from settling.

That's also you torturing yourself, and that makes no logical sense.

Ther4peuticH3at · Jun 1, 2010, 04:46 PM

Yea, I know... Sometimes its just harder than it should be.

Thanks for everything guys. I've had A LOT of help the past week or so. Thank heaven for family and friends ;)

Homegirl 50 · Jun 1, 2010, 04:50 PM

You said "The funny thing is, this guy had been pursuing her since December. And I knew what was going on, I was kinda crossed because felt like she was "letting" him make advances, instead of just ending it. But I never brought it up, I TRUSTED her... with all her "I love you" "You're my whole world" "You're the only one I ever want to be with" "You're my soulmate" "I've never felt this way about anyone else"....

I think more than anything your pride and ego has been bruised.
This will pass.

Ther4peuticH3at · Jun 8, 2010, 07:09 PM

Ok.. I just need to put this frustration down on "paper".

I've been seeing a lot of fluctuation in my mood/demeanor of late; understandably so... I go from a blinding fury, to a debilitating sadness, to a warming calm... Still, I feel like for the most part, I have my head on straight. I don't want anything to do with her, I'm happy, and I feel lucky to be single again. I feel like this is what was meant to be.

But then I fall asleep... And I dream. And in my dreams, I take her back.. EVERY time. Its so frustrating. And it scares the hell out of me.

talaniman · Jun 9, 2010, 04:33 AM

Sometimes we let our own emotions our worst enemy. One of the things your learning is not only do you have these strong emotions within you, but how to deal with them in a positive manner.

Keep building on how you enjoy being single, and don't dwell after having dreams, just get up and get busy with your day.

The dreams will fade over time, and as you replace thoughts of her, and what she did, with better memories.

Ther4peuticH3at · Jun 9, 2010, 01:11 PM

Thanks.. I'll try not to dwell on them. "Get up and get on with my day." I think I can do that, that's good advice.

Every now and then (like today), on my way to class, I pass by her car parked at an apt complex she does landscaping for. I almost break my neck looking around to see if I can spot her; maybe I'll notice her noticing me. Maybe I'll be able to evoke some kind of emotion from her...

Goodness, I can't wait for the day when I don't even look her way. The day where she doesn't even cross my mind.

I've never had any problems with substance abuse, but lately, I've wanted to go out EVERY freaking night I could. And for the most part, going out is a lot more fun when you're wasted (especially now). The last time we broke up she admitted to having done A LOT of drinking... She had never even been drunk before we met. I guess it's my turn. I just want to go out and get blackout drunk whenever I can. At least then I wouldn't dream as much...

But really, going out has been a blast. I look forward to it sooo much. Really, it's not that I want to drink, it's that I want to go out but I feel like I need to drink in order to go out. I know what alcoholism looks like, and this feels a lot like it... How much of this is normal/acceptable? Should I be forcing myself to avoid this type of potentially dangerous situation? I'm playing with fire here... I'll let you guys know if I start feeling burnt.

talaniman · Jun 9, 2010, 01:21 PM

During a bad break up back in the day, I developed a killer crossover dribble, and worked on using my left hand in basketball more effectively. I was so tired in the evenings with working out and going to my job, I actually had no time for drinking, or dreams, because I was totally tired. So there are some ways to have good clean fun, without playing with fire. Even for young guys who love to party.

Ther4peuticH3at · Jun 9, 2010, 02:44 PM

Geez, you're on a roll tal. GREAT advice. I've been keeping busy with work and class, but there's plenty of room to play around in my head during both. I've started my third cycle of P90X, I've been swimming... I'm doing a lot, but you're right (even if you didn't say it), I could be doing more.

I've been trying to stay busy, trying to stay constructive.. but I need to try harder.

BTW, I just drove by her going the opposite way on my way home... Instant fury. I calmed down pretty well though.

Thanks for the insight.