[smoothy]

You know, I've been told to leave, and I've told women to leave. Yeah its hard, and yeah it hurts, nobody here will say it isn't.

Best way to do this is walk away, don't call her to tell her you are walking away. Just do it cold turkey, anything else just prolongs the pain.

Now if in a month or two she calls you, just tell her she wanted space and you are giving it. Put it on her shoulders. In the mean time you move on with your life and find a woman that knows what she wants... trust me, its usually the woman that knows and the guy that doesn't.

You have to simply pick up yourself up, and from this moment on pretend she no longer exists. No calls, no emails, to text messages, just stop and move on.

In a few months when you find a woman that knows what she wants in life you will be thanking us, and come to the realization of what a waste of your life this one has been.

Relationships take two people... if one isn't doing their part, or doesn't want to, or even decides there is no relationship then you have to move on.


She has made it clear to the rest of us there is nothing... there never will be anything and any belief to the contrary is delusional behavior.

And you ARE being delusional, and you ARE blind to the signals she is giving that are obvious to everyone else here.

You can't make anyone else do or think what you want... so its stupid to try or even think you can. You will end up in a straight jacket in a padded cell before that ever works.

Now do you want to end up in a nut house or are you going to take charge of your life and move on?

[madaman]

I think the hardest thing for him to accept is that she is just stringing him along right now. Because they have dated for so long, in his mind he sees a perfect girl who would never do that to him. In reality she is doing it but he won't accept it.

Be the stronger person and walk away. Like smoothy said you will be proud of yourself, and so much happier when you find a girl who wants what you want. And yes it will happen, unless you carry away too much baggage from this girl which is what will happen if you don't let go!

[talaniman]

I can still remember when I was you! I can still remember all that came after HER! I grew! So must you! If I had not let go of the past, I would not be married for 33 years with a bunch of grandkids jumping on my belly welly!! They are in school, and me and my better half enjoy to the MAX our time together. WHY?? Because life is that PRECIOUS!! And we earned it!! The glitch in your life is temporary, grow and make your life own happy!

[ilovcali]

1. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ice-30454.html

2. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rd-128846.html


The first post is how I made my way onto this board. The second is after a 6 month hiatus. Now, my first post was about my worst break-up ever. Not the first, but definitely the worst. I was dating a woman I was planning to marry, someone I lived with, and someone I saw my life with. She left.

The second post is how I am now. The main thing you should note in the first post is NOT my desire to GET BACK WITH THE EX. It was my DESIRE TO MOVE FORWARD. And it took me 5 MONTHS to be fully normal. Where I didn't really care anymore. But in that time, I NEVER ONCE CALLED, TEXTED, EMAILED. And guess what, I saw her all the time since she worked near me. I had all the delusions that you are having, but I realized THEY WERE DELUSIONS. I never acted on them.

It was hell for the first three months. I worked non-stop. I worked, worked, worked. I started taking jujitsu. I hit the gym like a bat out of hell. And it started to pay off. In between the first post and the second, I briefly dated four girls. And then this summer, I had a new girlfriend. One who was very caring and loving, WAY BETTER than the ex.

One thing I did realize, which you do not seem to, is that this girl has put you through tremendous pain. And I decided that I have a lot going for me, I'm smart, I'm fun, and I'm not too bad on the eyes. SO SCREW HER. She had it good, and she lost.

That is not to say I did not miss her. I missed her a whole lot. And I thought of her often. Sometimes I still miss some of the good times we had. But I've good times with plenty of people, friends, family, other girlfriends. And none of them HURT ME SO BAD. So, like I said, SCREW HER.

I spent my post break up trying not to feel like crap. What I wanted was the crappy feeling and misery to go away. The last thing that was going to do that WAS RUNNING BACK TO HER. I MOVED FORWARD, trying to distance myself from something that caused me so much pain. I DON'T WANT PAIN. I want to be the happy-go-lucky guy I normally am.

I learned a lot from that break-up. In retrospect, I'm a far better person, and I have far more control over my emotions. And funny thing is, I'M HAPPY I WENT THROUGH it now. It has made me a better man.

Now, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MOVE FORWARD. One, two, three, FORWARD MARCH.

No more asking, "how do I get her back". Start asking the right question. HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD?

--Cali

[madaman]

I agree with Ilovecali. I especially like the part about being happy you went through it. Situations like these really do make you a better person (if you actively take the steps to better yourself). Improving yourself will make your next relationship that much better!

[talaniman]

SO WHOEVER DUMPED, MOVE ON!! YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT ELSE IS OUT THERE UNTIL YOU LET GO.

Not only do I remember your story, I also remember how you have helped others. Thanks!

[bummedout4]

So what if she still calls me, asks me for help with school stuff or whatever and eventually wants to hang out again? I should just ignore her and say NO?

[smoothy]

Say no... she asked for space, give it to her, all the space she can handle and then some... Like I said, put it on her shoulders.


If you ever want to get past this and If you have an ounce of self respect you will do just that. You don't want to be the spineless door mat to anyone.

[ilovcali]

So what if she still calls me, asks me for help with school stuff or whatever and eventually wants to hang out again? I should just ignore her and say NO?

YES. YES. And YES. STAY AWAY FROM HER. You like BEING USED?

--Cali

[talaniman]

Take back control of your life, and stop being so available.

Originally Posted by bummedout4
So what if she still calls me, asks me for help with school stuff or whatever and eventually wants to hang out again? I should just ignore her and say NO?

Can't you see how the false hope is getting in the way of logical, healthy thinking? Get healthy, and then deal with the world.

[madaman]

I realized I haven't seen any posts in this thread in the last day or two, and I wanted to check up. Its funny how you can genuinely be concerned about people you've never met.

Hope you are doing allright buddy!

[bummedout4]

Hey thanks man, yeah I am doing OK. I just pretty much have stopped wanting to talk about it and start moving forward. Everyone has given me good advice and I am just sorting out what I am going to do. Me and the ex are still in contact, maybe every other day or so and just talk about school and whatever. I talked to her mom about things going on and her opinions and she said that she sees my ex trying to be someone she isn't and that she feels that she was missing out on the single scene because her friend or other people were having so much fun and she was getting bored in our relationship. She has been sick twice in 4 weeks and her mom and I both think that eventually she will burn out, because this is not her personality. So basically she says it's a good sign that my ex hasn't cut me out and we still talk because when she doesn't want anything to do with someone, she will cut them out of her life. So... basically I am just letting things go for now, giving her the time she wants, not trying to think about where she is or what she is doing and I think next month sometime, we will have to sit down and talk about what is going on. As for that other guy, well her mom asked her about it and she said she doesn't want another boyfriend or relationship and they are just friends. So I take her word for it, and either way I can't control it so I try not to think about it. So I am willing to give her more time, so she can deal with school, stress and whatever else is going through her head. I'll see where we are at , at the end of this month and see where to go from there. She says she will be ready to talk to me when school dies down and after some time passes, so I am willing to "wait" for that.
I am not waiting by the phone and moping around, I am trying to have fun and go out so that she knows I am living without her. So I know this is not NC but I feel with her NC will only push her away further. So this is my course of action for now, I am just trying to be patient and see where this time apart leads me and us. I may still be delusional but its only been one month and I am not ready to accept that its completely over. I understand right now we aren't together and its over, but I think in time her true feeling will come out, and she will either realize we can make it work or she doesn't want to. Right now she is confused and trying out new things, and I am trying to do the same. I know you are all going to be mad at me, and think I don't appreciate your advice, but I do. Its just I feel that in my heart I am not ready to cut her out, and push her to make a decision to either be with me now or to not call me until she figures it out. It may work out, and it may backfire and hurt me even more, but I feel it's the right thing for me right now. As things change, then I will surely adjust my thinking and what I feel is right. Thanks for the concern about me, I'm still here.

[Sad Soul]

Yep you just need a bit more time. People usually go through this for a good year.

One this if for sure through: you'll come out of this stronger and wiser, as long as you keep making tiny efforts to move forward.

[enigmagnetic]

This may sound totally insane but it's somewhat age related. I've seen this quite a bit lately, a girl turns 22 and the biological clock switches and she wants to make sure she isn't with the wrong guy. For men it comes at a different age. Believe me it's best you let her explore and hold off like she has the plague. Furthermore, you should act aloof and colder. She is shutting you out of her life remember. Read my post dude "I'm in dire need of assistance". While it's not the same situation my girl was 23 when she said some of the same things to me. It's time to show her what kind of man you are by facing this situation with some bravado. Remember you aren't friends, you're lovers, don't let her use you while she feels lonely. She'll go out all right and date and flirt and explore, but usually they come back especially if you improve yourself and follow a strict code of no contact and strength. That's because they realize that their "illusion" of what's really out there is just that an illusion. The dating scene can be real rough you know? If you are alone it's time you find some hobbies. Join a gym and some clubs. Volunteer and you may even find a cute volunteering girl that is more giving that she is. Cheers.

[bummedout4]

Thanks for all the extra opinions and advice. I know I need to just play it cool and not be around but I just wish I could get it out of my head. The weekends are the worst because I know she is out with people, guys and I just keep thinking about it. Even when I am doing something and trying not to. I just want all this to end so I can feel normal again.

[bummedout4]

I am starting to really realize that it seems like she wants me here to talk to and help her with school but doesn't want much to do with me on the weekends, when she is out with other people. So do I just not answer her calls anymore? Whenever she does call. Do I tell her that she needs to figure out what she wants , and that I won't be used as a crutch for her? Or do I just start ignoring her and call her back whenever I choose? We are now 5 weeks out and I feel that it is going to take longer for her to realize what she wants, and since she knows I want her , she probably thinks no matter what I am here waiting for her. So how do I do this w/out being mean and making her push me further away? I know she has said she doesn't want me out of her life and wants to be able to talk to me and I can talk to her when I want and its not bothering her, but I am starting to see more clearly that this is just leaving me hanging, waiting for her and pretty much making my life miserable. I have done this for this long, but know I cannot do this much longer. It is hard to think about ignoring her and not talking to her but it seems like she is looking to do different things right now and I am not really in those plans other than a friend. Whether this is temporary or not, I don't know. Well this is what happens when I am home and have nothing to do, I think about all these things and probably overanalyze everything. Well thanks to everyone for their advice.

[madaman]

Go back and read everyone's responses from the start, and realize you already know exactly what to do. Nows your chance to start healing.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you need to act like she has told you that you guys are done. Move on.

[bummedout4]

All right everyone, I think I am down to my last straw. I don't think I can go on with this limbo and confusion. I am going to talk to her, tell her that I can't do this anymore. She is having her fun and keeping me on the side guessing what she wants or waiting for her to change her mind, if she ever will. I am just going to tell her that she is throwing away a loving relationship that has lasted 4 years, that may have had its up and down, but has the potential to be great if we both put the effort. I feel that she is lying to me about that other guy and I feel that she is dating him and possibly going out with him after telling me that she doesn't want a relationship. She seems to be telling me what I want to hear and my life is just upside down and I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't really want to do this, but I can't go on anymore with this. I am depressed and feel lost and cofused. She needs to know that she is losing me, my love and my comfort. And if she realizes she made a mistake, I may not be here. So whether this is the right or wrong thing to do, I think I have to make it clear and take the upper hand because I don't deserve to be played like this. Well I will let you all know what happens whenever she calls me back. I hope to meet with her within next few days but if not , I will have to do it over the phone. Either way she needs to get the message.

[Homegirl 50]

You don't need to tell her how she is throwing a good thing away. Don't try to lay a guilt trip on her. Just tell her that it seems that she has gone on with her life and now you need to move on with yours. Wish her happiness and then don't call her anymore.
This way you have called the shots. End this.