[amicon]

That's a shame but had they been real friends you wouldn't have lost them. And you have new friends so make sure you see them and have some fun.

[paxe]

I've told you so... lol! I had to do it.

Kidding aside, it's more than normal to feel this way it's only been 2 months. It's also kind of normal to lose friends but you know what, you can always find others. I learned that you need to make the first move toward people without looking needy and they will invite you back.

What you need to do now is to take care of yourself. You can't break up with your girlfriend right now as it will be really selfish and it will hurt her.

Do the things you were doing before, socialize, make friends, train...

[I wish]

If you're going to keep on getting updates about your ex, you're going to keep on resetting your progress.

I'm sorry that you're being left out of events because your ex shows up. But think about it this way:

1) Would you rather show up to these events and prolong your misery?

2) Or would you rather heal properly so that you can move forward with your life?

What's wrong with making new friends while you're recovering? You can always go back to your old friends once you've recovered.

[A4Effort]

I've told you so... lol! I had to do it.

Kidding aside, it's more than normal to feel this way it's only been 2 months. It's also kind of normal to lose friends but you know what, you can always find others. I learned that you need to make the first move toward people without looking needy and they will invite you back.

What you need to do now is to take care of yourself. You can't break up with your girlfriend right now as it will be really selfish and it will hurt her.

Do the things you were doing before, socialize, make friends, train...

Yeah, I really do not know why I complain sometimes because I really do not have a problem finding new friends. I have met many new friends and have been having a good time. But its just the past that comes up once in a while and haunts me. Also, I would not want to break up with the new girl because A.) I cannot let my past control my life and B.) I still feel like her and I have something.

If you're going to keep on getting updates about your ex, you're going to keep on resetting your progress.

I'm sorry that you're being left out of events because your ex shows up. But think about it this way:

1) Would you rather show up to these events and prolong your misery?

2) Or would you rather heal properly so that you can move forward with your life?

What's wrong with making new friends while you're recovering? You can always go back to your old friends once you've recovered.

You are right. It is very hard for me but I have stopped hanging out with the old group of friends. I see them here or there in passing and I talk to them there but that is about it. I really want to heal properly because there is so much that I still have to experience and I do not want this being in the back of my head, weighing me down.

[talaniman]

If only you can see the other side of the coin, you have a new life to be excited about, so let this temporary storm pass, and just keep moving forward.

Took me a lot longer to get where you are, back in the day, so take heart, your doing better than you think.

[A4Effort]

Thank you Tal.
I do have to look at the other side of the coin. I have made new friends, I am doing well in school, I am starting a research project from scratch, I am staying healthy and working out, I have a new girlfriend, and I have learned a lot from this breakup.

I guess the only thing that bothers me is that I am afraid that I will not find another woman who I will be in love with. This is a very stupid thought since I know barely anyone gets married to their first love.

[epark072]

a4effort, I'm on a same boat, it's been a month and today, just killing me man.. really tough..

[paxe]

It's really hard when you feel you are not "loved" but you just need to work into it. I know exactly what you mean. But like I said before as long as you show good qualities and make the first move you will make a lot of friends.

[A4Effort]

WOW! I just came back from my girlfriends house and I am shocked. I really do not know what to think. It is really late and I think I really need to think things through a bit more before asking for advice. But I found out some things that really make me question us.

[A4Effort]

Ok so here it is. Last night I went over to my girlfriends apartment with some friends. Everything was fine and after my friends left I decided to stay a little longer and talk with her. We really got in depth into our conversation. We talked about our past, philosophy, psychology, etc... It was great until I learned some things about her that made me throw huge caution flags. So here is what I learned.

She went to a private school where they had many rules, a dress code, etc... She rebelled against these strict rules by "hooking up" with many different guys, trying different drugs (oxicodon?? shrooms, etc... ), and just doing crazy things in general. She continued this behavior through college. She tells me that she stops doing these crazy drugs when she has a boyfriend. She told me how these drugs make her do things she usually wouldn't do and she loves taking them because it loosens her up. She says she does not have any control when she takes them and that is one thing she loves about it.

I do not understand how she can have a 4.0 gpa and do all these things. She threw a party last weekend and totally blacked out. She told me how she does not remember a thing we talked about. That night she also wanted to have sex but I refused because sex to me means more than just quick physical pleasure.

For some this might not be a big deal but for me this is a huge deal. I cannot stand drugs. I hate when people use a substance to make them feel more comfortable or make them more social. It shows me that they lack confidence. Also, I am huge health nut and love to exercise, eat healthy, and be very active so when I see people damaging themselves with drugs it makes me very uncomfortable.

Also, finally another thing that really bother me was a conversation we had about sex. It all started with a hypothetical question. She asked me if I could choose between rough physical sex or sensual sex which one would I choose? She immediately said rough physical sex while I said sensual sex. From what she told me it seemed that to her sex was only a physical pleasure act. To me it means that and also the emotional connection you share with the person.

Now I am not saying that anything she is doing is wrong. It may be but I am not the one to judge her actions. But, knowing this information makes me very cautious. Also, my gut feelings are telling me to leave but it is hard for me to act on those feelings. Another part of me tells me just to roll with it and continue getting to know her.

I do not know what to do with this information. Should I listen to my gut feelings? How do I let her go when she is clearly into me. One last thing she told me is that she never had someone like me. Her past relationships always involved someone who was screwed up. She really appreciates having someone like me around her. I am so confused and to top it all off I am still having my ex withdrawals. Especially when I compare the two.

I do not know why I am so afraid that I will not find "the one." Maybe its because my parents divorced after being married 20+ years or maybe because I am still hung up on my first love. I am only 21 and I should not be thinking about finding the one I am going to settle down with. I have so much ahead of me: graduate school, traveling, etc... Why am I so afraid?

[paxe]

My 2 cent, you jumped into this relationship without really knowing who she was, hence all the emotional rollercoater you are having now.

Honestly, you're afraid because you are still in shock. You thought that by going with someone else you were "ok", and now it clearly shows you were not, hence the rebound term we used before, and it actually IS a rebound.

Honestly, you haven't taken the necessary steps to heal. Part of healing is to find yourself after a relationship and you clearly have a lot of questions to ask yourself. These questions that you are asking, only you can answer them.

[amicon]

Ok,question-are you still exclusive? If so I'd say as you're seeing red flags flying you need to make the decision to end this sooner rather than later. Personally my gut instincts would tell me to run, as I'm in agreement with you as regards drugs and the intercourse preference. It's up to you but these are major red flags. Again, be happy single rather than settling for something that probably won't work. And you're still not quite over your ex. My theory is that you feel the need to have a special somebody in your life to compensate for your traumatic past. I think you need to realise that you can be fine on your own and when you are ready you will meet the right girl.

[A4Effort]

Hmm... I feel like I know myself pretty well and I also know what I want in a relationship. I do agree that I jumped into this new relationship too fast because I feel like I should have continued learning about her before making any decisions. I actually tried to dwell deeper into these topics before committing but she refused to tell me. She said it was too early for me to know. I assumed that she had the qualities that I look for in a partner and she does. But there are many other qualities that outweigh the positive ones.

[A4Effort]

Ok,question-are you still exclusive? If so I'd say as you're seeing red flags flying you need to make the decision to end this sooner rather than later. Personally my gut instincts would tell me to run, as I'm in agreement with you as regards drugs and the intercourse preference. It's up to you but these are major red flags. Again, be happy single rather than settling for something that probably won't work. And you're still not quite over your ex. My theory is that you feel the need to have a special somebody in your life to compensate for your traumatic past. I think you need to realise that you can be fine on your own and when you are ready you will meet the right girl.

Yes we are still exclusive.

I think that you are right about listening to my gut feelings and letting her go. But I do not think this will be as easy for me. I do not know why but she is so into me and to let her go when she is infatuated is something that I am afraid of doing. Also, so far the relationship is going along well. We are having a great time. I really enjoy talking to her. I really enjoy the intamacy, etc... But in the long run I do not know if this will work out.

[paxe]

For me, it's OK for people to loosen up and take a drink or two. Heck even go for 3, why not? Even from time to time, I would accept that people take marijuana.
When it goes further than that, it's a big no-no for me, and like you I would see a LOT of red flags.

Like I said before, the decision can only be taken by you. Relationship or not you need to find yourself and your place, you seem too insecure and way too emotional and you need to put some perspective back into your life.

I would like to point out also, if you're not breaking up with her because you are afraid of being "alone", then this is completely wrong. You have jumped into this relationship too much and it has become a rebound. You really need to find out why you want to stay with her or dump her. If you do break up with her, you need to do it soon, for respect for her and yourself.

Personally I would break up, but some people find my way... harsh.

[A4Effort]

For me, it's ok for people to loosen up and take a drink or two. Heck even go for 3, why not? Even from time to time, I would accept that people take marijuana.
When it goes further than that, it's a big no-no for me, and like you I would see a LOT of red flags.

Like I said before, the decision can only be taken by you. Relationship or not you need to find yourself and your place, you seem too insecure and way too emotional and you need to put some perspective back into your life.

I would like to point out also, if you're not breaking up with her because you are afraid of being "alone", then this is completely wrong. You have jumped into this relationship too much and it has become a rebound. You really need to find out why you want to stay with her or dump her. If you do break up with her, you need to do it soon, for respect for her and yourself.

Personally I would break up, but some people find my way... harsh.

I do not think I am insecure but I do agree that I might seem more emotional. This is strange even to me since I never have been this emotional. I guess this just hit me very hard.

I am not afraid of being alone either. I actually enjoyed it quite a bunch when I was single so going back to that life style would not bother me at all. But I am hesitant to break up since she is so into me and I just want to be very sure that the decision I make is the right one.

I do not to find out the reason why I want to stay with her.
On one hand she has all these great qualities and I feel like if we stayed together we could develop a great relationship. I really enjoy her honesty. Also she understands that we both need space at times to either be by ourselves, to focus on school work, or just to be around other people. My ex did not understand that. Also, she is very intelligent and I feel like we have great conversations about anything and everything. The intimacy is there too and I think we can be compatible there too.

But she does have a interesting past that makes me very cautious. There are some habits of hers that I do not like, such as drinking to a point where you black out or potentially doing some harmful drugs. She is more introverted than I am and more pessimistic. There are other little things.

I do think it is still too early to make a decision. Whatever the decision is, I would not be making it because I am still hung up on the ex. It would be solely because I feel like we do not share enough commonalities or the caution flags tell me to stay away.


What do you think is the right step to take here?

[amicon]

It seems her interesting past spills over into the present-the party she threw and she can't remember what you spoke about? Red flag.
You can't break up with her because she's so into you? Red flag
Your gut feelings are trying to tell you something-listen to those feelings.
It boils down to: you didn't really take the time to get to know each other all that well,but went exclusive very quickly.
What else might you find out further down the line if you stay together?

[A4Effort]

I think I also need to sit down with her and tell her all of this. I need to tell her how I am concerned about all these things she told me and maybe we either need to slow it down or break it off.

One thing that I forgot to mention also that has bothered me is a talk we had about sex. She says that if we were to stay in a LTR that she would not like if we used a condom every time we had sex. She tells me that her chances of getting pregnant are very low to begin with because there is an issue with her vaginal lining, etc... She says with birth control her chances are even lower. I do not feel comfortable at all since I DO NOT want to be a father at this time of my life. I told her how with my ex (who is very fertile) I used a condom every single time and have developed this paranoia about having sex without a condom. She got really upset about it. I guess that is another red flag.


Looking at all these red flags and gut reactions I should break up. Is this the right thing?

Should I stay a bit longer with her or should I talk to her and see if she has changed since her past?

I just do not understand because she is so beautiful and VERY intelligent. She has a 4.0 in her senior year. I just can't believe someone like her would have such a troubled past.

[amicon]

AE, that's another red flag. Me, I 'd run. Yesterday. Sorry for being harsh,but do you really need this?

[paxe]

A 4.0 in arts wouldn't be so hard to get, or even in science :). Try 4.0 in engineering, that's something else. Birth control is 100% effective and... sex is better without condoms. As long as it is safe go for it.
I suggest writing on a paper the positive and negative aspect of dumping her and then deciding.