[Sad Soul]

You are right we want to be happy but pining that happiness on another human besides your self is an exercise in futility and very unhealthy. You are responsible for your own happiness. You cannot pass that to another. That would be false hope.

Exactly; She's not responsible for his happiness! Right now he feels as though she is and that that is the only way he can have a good sleep at night.

Rest assure that time will prove him wronggggggggggg.

[bummedout4]

Well both of you are right, she shouldn't be the only reason I am happy. She makes me happy but during this time I am trying to do other things to make me happy and become a better person. I know it takes time, but I am just saying that if we get back together in the future, that will add to my happiness , if that's what the future holds. I am not saying that its guaranteed or I expect to be back with her anytime soon. I have been in a better mood and state of mind because I know where she stands and what is in her head, somewhat. I am not killing myself over her being with another guy or going out with other people because I know she still cares about me and needs to find out for herself if this is right and that we still have a chance to make this right, if its meant to be. It is still hard for me, but I am trying to deal with it the best way I can and move forward. So you are both right, I need to be happy with myself to be able to be happy with her or whoever. This is the challenge I have in front of me and I am trying to prove to myself that she isn't the only good thing in my life. Although deep inside I still have hope and faith that we will get back together and we are right for each other. Hopefully this time makes me stronger and makes us, if there ever is an "us" stronger.

[Sad Soul]

Although deep inside i still have hope and faith that we will get back together and we are right for each other. Hopefully this time makes me stronger and makes us, if there ever is an "us" stronger.

But, right now is not a time to focus on your hopes. You have to focus on your needs.

[bummedout4]

Well everyone I just wanted to say that I have been doing a lot better these past few days since me and my ex talked on Wed. I know that I was making everything seem a lot worse before and was assuming a lot of things. I still think of her a lot and miss her but I am not breaking down and being as emotional as before. We still talk occasionally, every few days or so and we will see how things go in the near future. So just wanted to update everyone and thank you all for your support and advice.

[madaman]

Make sure you are focusing on improving yourself right now during the down time!

[bummedout4]

Make sure you are focusing on improving yourself right now during the down time!

Yeah, thanks madaman. I am really trying to look back and see what things I could have done better and improve on. I have begun to realize some things that I did that I didn't even realize at the time. So I have been thinking of all these things, looking forward to when I can begin to really express these new views and outlooks on life and relationships. I am giving my ex her space, talking to her every once in a while and look forward possibly trying to have a healthy relationship with her in the future. It is still hard and I do think of her a lot and miss her but I realize that this time will either make us stronger if we get back together or make us stronger for our next relationship and in our lives.

[star3114]

I hope thinks continue to work out for you. Just don't forget... you are the only one responsible for your happiness... no one else. Keep that in mind and you will stay on the right course to self improvement.

[bummedout4]

I hope thinks continue to work out for you. Just don't forget....you are the only one responsible for your happiness....no one else. Keep that in mind and you will stay on the right course to self improvement.

Thanks star, I know that I have to be happy with myself first in order to make someone else happy and have them add to my happiness. I am learning a lot about myself and how I should really express my feelings to others so they know that I am happy. I am really looking forward to improving myself so that me and my ex can improve our relationship in the near future. I am glad that we are still in contact and still have feelings for each other and I know once I have that chance , I will be able to really show the real me, and who she fell in love with. After 4 yrs , and being young , you kind of think like things will last forever and that you don't need to impress that other person or keep working to make things better. I now understand that a long relationship takes a lot of effort to keep things alive and exciting. I just hope, I am able to learn from these mistakes and be with my love once again. I still have that hope in my head, and whether wrong or not, it keeps me going every day. If I end up getting burned by this, it will suck, but teach me even more about myself.

[madaman]

You keep mentioning that you are doing it for her, and a future relationship possibly. You need to shift your focus and do it for yourself. I would hate to see you crushed and back to square one if she decides she doesn't want to date you again. I realize you are still holding on to that hope but don't let it be all that's in your world.

[bummedout4]

You keep mentioning that you are doing it for her, and a future relationship possibly. You need to shift your focus and do it for yourself. I would hate to see you crushed and back to square one if she decides she doesnt want to date you again. I realize you are still holding on to that hope but dont let it be all thats in your world.

Yeah I know what you are saying. I am not doing it for her so much, I know I say that a lot but I know I have to do it for myself, and then other things will fall into place. I know there is always the possibility that things won't work out the way I want, so I have been trying to think about that to force myself to look past her if things don't work. Thanks for the advice, I just keep reading and learning and I know things will work out for the best.

[bummedout4]

Hey everyone, well I did something today that I don't know if it will turn out good or bad. My ex hasn't been feeling well and she has a sore throat and feels really bad today. I sent her some get well flowers with little note saying to get better. I felt like this was a good opportunity to do something nice, nothing crazy but just nice, to show that I really care about her. WEll I am open to opinions, I hope it turns out fine and she won't take it the wrong way. Other than that I really haven't spoken to her since last Thursday. Well that's it for now, I just hope she likes it and sees it the same way I do.

[smoothy]

Everyone might not agree with me but I see it as something you should not have done for the very same reasons I have stated before.

#1 she asked for some space, she's not getting it.

#2 you are still clinging on so its really about you and what you want more than it is about her. Everyone gets that sort of thing and worse without expecting flowers or anything. After all a cold is common and everyone gets them.


Long story short... you aren't doing what you need to do to move on, and keeping this up makes you her door mat.

[bummedout4]

Yeah well I thought it would be nice, if not then I will deal with it. I know she isn't expecting anything that's why I thought it would surprise her and make her feel better, and know that I really care. But hey I guess my idea and what others think is different. I will just see what happens.

[Sad Soul]

I have to agree with Smoothy.

The flowers, like your other moves, were not about her, but about you.

You saw a light of opportunity to break that space she's asking for, and you went for it.

Give her space. Giving space will be about HER and not YOU. And you know what, it will be VERY HARD, but when you do give her space, I swear that "space" will be in your favor too. It will help you focus your energy on that much needed time for you to work on you.

Again, don't look at her as if she is here to make you happy and feed your emotional need. If you try, you'll see that in fact, that's not the case. There are other things that can make you happy... like yourself. You have not been giving this idea some fair attention.

You're also not giving her a chance to miss you at all. When a girl is sick, she probably has some time at home to sit in bed and reflect. BUT you sent flowers, and I guess that checks you off her list again. There's no reflecting on you here, because with her decision of leaving you, she hasn't lost anything; you are still there, and sending her flowers too!!

[bummedout4]

I see your point, but its just hard to let it be and keep wondering if she is thinking about me or reflecting. Well we will see what happens after this, it is hard to always be thinking that everything I do or don't do is either helping my chances or hurting them. I never really sent her flowers before so I thought it would be a pleasant surprise but I see what you are saying. Well I was weak and went for it, I guess I will see what good or bad comes of it. I am not trying to do anything but let her know how much I really care about her and want her to feel better. I am not showing up at her house or anything, so I mean she still has all the space she wants. Anyway, thanks for your opinion. I hope she doesn't see it that way.

[Sad Soul]

i see your point, but its just hard to let it be and keep wondering if she is thinking about me or reflecting. Well we will see what happens after this, it is hard to always be thinking that everything i do or don't do is either helping my chances or hurting them. I never really sent her flowers before so i thought it would be a pleasant suprise but i see what you are saying. well i was weak and went for it, i guess i will see what good or bad comes of it. i am not trying to do anything but let her know how much i really care about her and want her to feel better. i am not showing up at her house or anything, so i mean she still has all the space she wants. anyways, thanks for your opinion. I hope she doesnt see it that way.

NO! Saying "well I'm not showing up at her house" is you rationalizing why you can break space sometimes. Do you want to do this right? Because your best bet is to give her space.

And if she thinks you're an a$$hole for not sending flowers or calling when she's sick, then trust that she will let you know. And this will have her contacting you. Then you can tell her that you want to respect her decision, and that you want to move on because you feel that you two were more than just friends. So, when you're both ready one day, you can be friends in the future. She will be shocked if you follow through with these statements.

Give the girl a chance. Give her a chance to decide for herself if she wants to come to you. No more thinking that "flowers might help do the trick" BECAUSE THEY WON'T.

[Homegirl 50]

hey everyone, well I did something today that I don't know if it will turn out good or bad. My ex hasn't been feeling well and she has a sore throat and feels really bad today. I sent her some get well flowers with little note saying to get better. I felt like this was a good opportunity to do something nice, nothing crazy but just nice, to show that i really care about her. WEll I am open to opinions, I hope it turns out fine and she won't take it the wrong way. Other than that I really haven't spoken to her since last Thursday. Well thats it for now, I just hope she likes it and sees it the same way i do.

I think that was out of line. You are still thinking of yourself rather than doing what she asked you to do. You ar bound and determined to stay on that girl's mind even though she has said she needs a break.

[bummedout4]

NO! Saying "well I'm not showing up at her house" is you rationalizing why you can break space sometimes. Do you want to do this right? Because your best bet is to give her space.

And if she thinks you're an a$$hole for not sending flowers or calling when she's sick, then trust that she will let you know. And this will have her contacting you. Then you can tell her that you want to respect her decision, and that you want to move on because you feel that you two were more than just friends. So, when you're both ready one day, you can be friends in the future. She will be shocked if you follow through with these statements.

Give the girl a chance. Give her a chance to decide for herself if she wants to come to you. No more thinking that "flowers might help do the trick" BECAUSE THEY WON'T.

I know she won't think I'm a jerk for not sending flowers and I know she doesn't expect anything, I didn't do it because of that. I just thought it was a nice thing to do, and make her feel better that someone cares about her that much. Just to take her mind off feeling bad, I know her better than anyone, and I think she will like it. I am not saying it will make her change her mind or want me more, but maybe think about me and what she means to me. Well that's my opinion, I am no expert but sometimes you got to follow your heart. I don't think it's a big deal either way, so I don't think it was out of line, just something nice. I don't understand why everyone thinks it's a big deal and a big thing that I did this. I guess we will see what she thinks, if she doesn't like it for whatever reason I am willing to face that, but will feel better that I did it.

[Homegirl 50]

I know she won't think im a jerk for not sending flowers and i know she doesn't expect anything, i didnt do it b/c of that. I just thought it was a nice thing to do, and make her feel better that someone cares about her that much. Just to take her mind off feeling bad, i know her better than anyone, and i think she will like it. I am not saying it will make her change her mind or want me more, but maybe think about me and what she means to me. Well thats my opinion, i am no expert but sometimes you gotta follow your heart.

but maybe think about me and what she means to me.
This is the thing. You are thinking of you, not what she asked you to do. She may not be angry, but I would be. You are not respecting her wishes at all.

[bummedout4]

but maybe think about me and what she means to me.
This is the thing. You are thinking of you, not what she asked you to do. She may not be angry, but I would be. You are not respecting her wishes at all.

Well I didn't know her wishes were for me to leave her alone. B/c she never said that to me. All she said is she wanted a break, to do her thing, and time to think. So we still talk and are really close because well after 4 yrs we know each other better than anyone. So knowing her, I thought she might like this. If she doesn't then I will deal with that. If she had told me to leave her alone, and not to call or anything along those lines, then yeah I would not be doing this. We all have different opinions and ways to think of things so I can only see what happens from here. I am not a relationship expert and don't claim to be, I am just in love with her and afraid of losing her. So I would rather do something and say I tried then to leave it be and let things play out for who knows how long. If she says you shouldn't have sent the flowers, don't call me anymore then I will respect her wishes.