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starlite1 · Jun 9, 2008, 05:37 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

The only reconciling he will do is if he gets what he wants, and you do what he says. I care a lot, and want you happy, but you really need to get the stars from your eyes, and move forward. Stop speculating on him and deal with what YOU want.

Hi Tal,

Thank you very much. I really want him, but I know what you all mean. I want him, but it has to be US, not just him. I know I would make him so happy, but I would love more than anything for him to realize that because of his yo-yoing in the past, (and I guess now), that this is not right; that this is why I said what I said. Basically I want him to wake up and step up to the plate. I hope that doesn't sound unreasonable on my part. Who knows what he is thinking, and if he really wants this relationship (me).

bigbird213 · Jun 9, 2008, 05:41 AM

Originally Posted by starlite1

Who knows what he is thinking, and if he really wants this relationship (me).

You are better off that way. I know it hurts to hear that, but its easier if you don't know anything about what he is doing, or what he is thinking. Any inkling of his thoughts will just keep you hanging on and feeling very upset.

Keep strong and stay on the NC path. Trust me, and many others here, it gets better!

starlite1 · Jun 9, 2008, 05:49 AM

Originally Posted by bigbird213

You are better off that way. I know it hurts to hear that, but its easier if you don't know anything about what he is doing, or what he is thinking. Any inkling of his thoughts will just keep you hanging on and feeling very upset.

Keep strong and stay on the NC path. Trust me, and many others here, it gets better!

Hi BigBird,

Thanks very much. It is just so hard. I see how men (especially here on this site) are so wonderful, and they really do care about their ex's. I just feel (not because of the site - this site and the people on it are awesome!) extremely heartbroken, because he since the breakup, he doesn't/didn't reach out to me to even talk about working on things. It's like, yet again, he kicked me to the curb, and threw away his feelings towards me. I know that sounds selfish on my part, but, my God, there is nothing I wouldn't have done for this man, I genuinly love him, but either he doesn't see that, doesn't want it, or doesn't know how to handle that... I just don't know, and it breaks my heart...

bigbird213 · Jun 9, 2008, 06:02 AM

Originally Posted by starlite1

It's like, yet again, he kicked me to the curb, and threw away his feelings towards me.

This sort of thought is totally under your control. For example,

My ex hasn't tried to reach out to me in 2 months. She sent me a couple emails, but since those, I haven't heard anything from her, and at this point, I'm thanking her for that. It would be SO much harder for me if I had to choose to ignore her constantly, I'd rather her let me heal and I appreciate the gesture from her.

See, I choose to look at is as her doing me a favor, not her "kicking me to the curb". When we first broke up I told her that it was going to be hard for me to be friends, and that upset her. However, she has been strong and not tried to contact me repeatedly, and I respect and appreciate that.

Its all in how you decide to look at it.

damaged · Jun 9, 2008, 06:18 AM

I agree with BB...

Star:
In a way he's making things easier for you!. Thank him for that... I know you would rather him calling you, and trying to fix things, but like Tal said: he will only reconciliate if he gets what HE wants, and that's no good for you!. So thank him (don't contact him)bc he's doing you a favor... you can't realize that now, later on you will!. Things will get better Remember this:"not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of LUCK!

chuff · Jun 9, 2008, 06:24 AM

I agree with both BB and damaged. Your brain is automatically going to go negative, so you have to turn the meaning of what is happening into a positive outcome.

starlite1 · Jun 9, 2008, 07:13 AM

Thanks guys. You all make perfect sense. I am going to force myself to do that. I need to take control of my happiness, and by pining, worrying, etc... that isn't bringing in happiness...

Thank you guys! :)

starlite1 · Jun 9, 2008, 07:14 AM

How are all of you doing today?

Damaged, are you feeling better honey?

damaged · Jun 9, 2008, 07:25 AM

Hey star...
I'm feeling pretty good... yourself?.
Excited about the get-together?

talaniman · Jun 9, 2008, 07:26 AM

Starlite,
He is using your own feelings to get what he wants, you to miss him enough, to give in to doing it his way, so you really need to re-evaluate such a one-sided, controlling, relationship, because you will never get what you want, without paying a heckuva price to your character, self-esteem, and dignity.

starlite1 · Jun 9, 2008, 07:30 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

He is using your own feelings to get what he wants, you to miss him enough to give in to doing it his way, so you really need to re-evaluate such a one-sided, controlling, relationship, because you will never get what you want without paying on heckuva price to your character, self-esteem, and dignity.

Thank you Tal. I can't tell you, and everyone else here, how much I appreciate your insight and advice. I know he is so one-sided. I hope that by me breaking up (believe me I didn't want to) maybe will give him a real wake-up call. Who knows?

DazT · Jun 9, 2008, 07:48 AM

Well I posted a week ago telling you lot that I'd been having dreams about my ex lately. Since I posted that, I've picked myself up and had a really good week. But today, I've woken up in bad form.

A while ago, my ex contacted me with a number I didn't know. She told me when we broke up that it would be a good idea to change our numbers. So I guessed that she had changed her number and that's why when she text me a while ago, I didn't know the number. Well when I was slightly drunk on Saturday night, I decided I'd ring her old number to see if she had changed it and guess what, she had.

Now when she texted me with her new number, I deleted the message so I have no way to contact her even if I wanted to. But this is getting me down because we had been together 2 and a half years, now I haven't even heard her voice in about 3 months. She's just like a stranger to me now. And I'll probably never get to see her again (bar walking past her in the street). Just one of those days you get :(

ISneezeFunny · Jun 9, 2008, 07:50 AM

Dazt:

A bit off... because if she suggested that you guys changed numbers, and she changed her number, did she assume that you haven't? Because... if she thought you would change your number... why would she text you at your old number?

However, now that you have no way of contacting her... technically, it's a good thing. Almost a forced nc. Now the ball's in her court.

DazT · Jun 9, 2008, 07:54 AM

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

dazt:

a bit off...because if she suggested that you guys changed numbers, and she changed her number, did she assume that you haven't? Because...if she thought you would change your number...why would she text you at your old number?

however, now that you have no way of contacting her...technically, it's a good thing. almost a forced nc. now the ball's in her court.

We had been texting about a month (about an incident that happened) before that and I was still using my old number and she was using her mum's so I guess she just assumed I hadn't changed it. Thing I don't get is - she told me we should both change our numbers, so why when she got a new number, why did she text me using it? I think she did this because then I might chase after her again - and I know she loves me chasing after her.

damaged · Jun 9, 2008, 07:54 AM

I know how you feel... It sucks so much when you feel good for about a weeek and then one day you wake up and feel like crap.. but be patient you'll prob feel better tomorrow.. try to get busy today and just get through the day.. Its a good thing that you don't have her new number... It'll help you in the end... Things will get better!!

talaniman · Jun 9, 2008, 07:56 AM

I hope that by me breaking up (believe me I didn't want to) maybe will give him a real wake-up call. Who knows?

This worries me as maybe its you who needs the wake up call, not him.
(Darn, tried to say it nicely, without being harsh)

starlite1 · Jun 9, 2008, 07:57 AM

Hi Daz,

I am sorry that you are feeling the pain. I know (we all know) what you are going through and how you are feeling. In a way (again, I know this is hard) it is a good thing that you don't have her new number, because that will always tempt you to reach out to her. It is best not to for your own good. It is the best thing for you. The feeling that you have of her being a 'stranger' is a normal feeling when a breakup occurs. But just know that you will get past the sadness and hurt. You will meet someone else and you will fall in love again. It will take time, but you must try and stay as strong as you can, and keep yourself and your mind busy with other things. Always know you can always come here and talk with all of us.

DazT · Jun 9, 2008, 07:59 AM

Thanks Star.. At the end of the day, it was my decision to delete her message and the number and then went and deleted her mums number, her dads, her sisters and her friends numbers so that I would have no chance to contact at all. I'm on 3 months no contact, most of the time I've been positive but you get a couple of days in the month when you feel really down about it. Not sure why.

bigbird213 · Jun 9, 2008, 08:00 AM

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

however, now that you have no way of contacting her...technically, it's a good thing. almost a forced nc. now the ball's in her court.

I agree. This is one of the times where it is nice not to have any control over that situation. You no longer have a choice, and it will make it easier. No more temptation, as you have no way of contacting her anyway. Take it one day at a time, you'll get there. Your in a down moment, but in a short while you'll be feeling great again.

starlite1 · Jun 9, 2008, 08:00 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

This worries me as maybe its you who needs the wake up call, not him.
(Darn, tried to say it nicely, without being harsh)

Hi Tal,

You didn't sound harsh at all :). I had that wake up call when I broke up with him I guess, but I wish he would have that wakeup call as well.