[NowWhat]

I feel your pain.
Has anything happened in your relationship before this, that would lead him to have such trust issues?
I know lying is totally wrong and it should not have happened. But, you have been together for 15 years! He is ready to throw it all away over a stupid mistake? Is he perfect? Never made a mistake?
I just think there is more to this - because he is way overreacting.

I would not let him be. You need to show up and let him know that you are sorry for your mistake and you want to work this out. When he turns his phone back on - his voicemail should be full with calls from you. If he feels wronged by you - you have to show that you are sorry and will do what it takes to make this up to him.
Does he not have a job that he has to go to everyday? How can he just go out of town at the drop of a hat?
Good LUck

[notaliar]

You're making me laugh and cry at the same time.. you're too funny! Luckily I don't have to go far for that break. I'm in the trailer by myself today, so I locked the doors and let it out.. not too loud, don't want my fellow co-worker paramedics running in here you know? I'm hoping he's thinking of me and this isn't the worst that can happen. I mean, we're both ALWAYS telling each other how much we love each other and can't live without each other. The frightening thing is that I just don't know WHAT he's thinking. I'm not a control freak, I just need to know where his mind is at.

[gypsy456]

Be honest and apologize... just be honest.

[startover22]

Yes, I hope you feel a little better. I really meant what I said about his underwear. In other words, he is going to miss his lovely wife. He will come home as soon as he is done. He is thinking of you, he won't beable to help that. His mind is in the same place yours is. You on the other hand, I hope you will be OK today. Enjoy those flowers, take a big breath, stop thinking the worst. Keep an open mind for him. Remember the movies, it might help.

[notaliar]

To Now What. Nothing has happened before. I don't know why, but lately he's been very unsure of my feelings toward him. He's always been slightly insecure. I think I've mentioned it before that I work around many male helicopter mechanics, firefighter/paramedics, pilots, etc. for the fire department. I've noticed that since I've been working here he seems concerned about my loyalties. Yes, we've been together for 15 years and I would hope he doesn't think so little of our time together that he's ready to throw it all away. My girlfriend, my parents and I all think he's over-reacting, but he's so focus on the fact that I lied, nothing else seems to matter. All the time, vacation, days off we've spent together mean nothing?

[notaliar]

Startover22-
I'm sure others have been in this same pain, but this is aweful! We are inseparable, you know. And I think more him than I. He waits so gleefully when I get home. His days off and mine only coincide every other Friday. He always wants to buy me something. Always does buy me something on holidays even though we say no gifts for each other. He can't wait to spend time with me, and in that aspect I LOVE spending time just him and me - taking walks, going for breakfast, a movie.
He just called me to check in. I didn't ask where he was, I just let that be. I told him that I haven't slept or eatten since Sunday night and that I'm totally torn up inside over this. I told him that I loved him. He says he's heard that a thousand times. I told him I loved him and that he knows I love him. He told me he loves me, too, but that I can't lie to him. Says he doesn't know if to even believe me this last time, I told him that he should believe me. He told me he doesn't care. He told me he'll see me tomorrow. I said I loved him and he again said he loves me. It was on a cellphone so I'm not sure about the sincerity of it, though.

[startover22]

It sounds like a wonderful relationship. I think he called because of course he knew you were hurting. I am glad he did. He is coming home, he is coming home. I am happy to hear that. He loves you and you love him, that is for sure. Let him come home to you and see what happens next. I bet this will be over before you know it. Tell him that you are getting money from mom every month and it will be both of yours to spend on what you agree to spend it on. Tell him your vacation intentions and see if he still wants to do that. I am so happy he called you. Sounds to me that it will be OK, just let the fumes settle. Try and get through today and miss him like you have never missed him before. It will show when he gets there.

[talaniman]

He just had to get away and think, he will be back after the dust clears. Don't lie to him ever again.

[notaliar]

You know the funny thing? Before meeting him and ESPECIALLY not until we married, I never cried about anything! Ever time I think about how much I love him and what he means to me, I cry. Even when we're having a good time, I cry and he thinks there's something wrong. I'm just so overjoyed to be with him that I cry. I do feel a little better now. Just hearing his voice made things a little better. I'm sure he could tell I was hurting because I was a total disaster crying on the phone while talking to him. I hope that when he sees me, he'll see he still has every right to be angry.. but that it's not worth giving up. Do you know what a headache I have from crying, holding down the crying, not eatting and not sleeping for four days? I hope there's a little less stress for me tonight and I'll actually get a little sleep.

[ordinaryguy]

He's way over-reacting if you ask me. Yes, you could have handled it better when he found the money, but you were honoring your mother's wishes by not telling him, and I don't see that it wronged him in any way. At some point you need to stand up to him and tell him that he needs to get over his tantrum and accept your apology and move on. If he thinks this is something to end a marriage over, he's got a strange set of priorities.

[kp2171]

Id give him a little time to be pi$$ed.

You made a really dumb mistake, followed my lies to cover it up.

From his side, for all he knows you were stashing it as "get out" money. I know, you weren't, but while I think he is overreacting, on another level maybe he's not... there is a trust issue (hiding the money) that was compounded by more trust issues (the lies). He might just need to be mad for a bit until he gets it out of his system and is ready to have a serious talk.

And at some point you might need to stand your ground too. On your side its not like you were spending it on massages by Sven. Right? So only you can decide when he's had enough time to be ready to step up.

Money issues can really be tough to get around sometimes. Fear about money can be deeply rooted in our minds, and trusts issues also can reach far back... even if they have nothing to do with $$. So its hard to know what button this hit the hardest... trust about money or just plain trust. I have to say I don't have a great tolerance for lies, myself, and I have found when my trust is broken it is really hard to get back to that same place.

All you can do is work with what you have. Don't get walked on. Let him have some angry time. See where it goes.

[notaliar]

Talaniman & Gypsy,
You don't know how horrible I feel about having lied. There's no excuse for doing it, I was just trying to cover up a surprise. Didn't think I was doing anything wrong, you know? I can never keep a story straight, so I don't hide anything. There's frankly nothing TO hide. I couldn't think of what to say to not spoil the surprise. So the first thing that popped out was a lie, thinking he would drop it. Then I couldn't continue because he wanted proof so I switched stories.. It's not worth it to lie!

[notaliar]

Ordinaryguy-
I think he's over-reacting as well. I mean, I'm not down-playing his emotions. Everyone has the right to feel whatever they feel. But I was lying to cover-up a good deed and all he can see is that I lied. I definitely need to set up some counseling for us and try to figure out what's going on. He's been a very emotional person lately and this just didn't help. I just hope things can get back to the way they were..

[notaliar]

KP2171-
I can't say "I know I *#$& up" or "I'm sorry" enough, you know? I've been replaying and replaying the situation in my head for four days now. Just looking at how STUPID I was. This money was bonus money that I was going to recipricate all his good gestures toward me with. At best, the closest I got to how much I made compared to him was half. Now I make 25% of what he makes. He's always happy to pay, but it gets to a point where you feel guilty that you hardly open your wallet, you know? There has never been any reason to question my loyalties to him. Anytime he called me, I was where I said I'd be - at the bank, work, my parents, out with friends or my sister. He knows everyone I know. And 9 times out of 10, he's actually with me. We've been together for 15 years.. and about 12 of those were even working together. This money wasn't stolen, or from any of his possessions that I sold, or rent money that I was going to gamble. Yes, there's got to be something else going on that he would drill me so much on this money and not just let it go. Again, he's entitled to feel how he feels, but so many people are now hurt because of his over-reaction.

[kp2171]

The problem is when you've lied, how can he really know the truth?

I mean, you know what the truth is... but after a lie to cover a lie to cover up hiding something... he simply might not know if you are just feeding him the latest line...

And then you start wondering how many other lies were told. Even if there weren't any, that's how your mind works.

Not saying he's not going to have to buck up here soon and talk to you. At some point he has to stop pouting and talk this out. But, having been with two people who lied to me... their lies often were the tip of the iceberg.

At this point he doesn't know where it stops.

That, or he's just being a jerk.

Or both.

[NowWhat]

You know, I keep coming back to something - reading these post. You may not find this helpful at all - but I have to put it out there.
Could he be overreacting because he is guilty of something? And to deflect what he has done - he is blowing this way out of proportion?

Like I said, I keep thinking that there has to be more to this - He went so far as to leave town!
Something just doesn't seem right.

[notaliar]

kp2171 and NowWhat -
I totally understand about the lying. Like I said before, I hate to lie, don't like to lie because when I was a kid I always got caught, could never keep a story straight. It's just must easier to tell the truth. I've never had a reason to lie with my husband. My husband and I do a ton together.. so my life is an open book. ALL I was trying to do was give him a surprise that would blow him away and I wanted him to leave the issue alone.
I don't believe he's hiding anything, that that's why he over-reacted. He's got some anger issues over the past couple of months. NOTHING physical or I'd REALLY be out of here! But he's blown it over the smallest things - the last thing was over the fact that I moved the back of the car chair forward instead of the seat. I mean he BLEW IT. He got over it in the morning, but this time I actaully did something to make him mad. We talked a couple of weeks ago about getting him counseling, but my insurance company won't let me set up the appointment for him, he has to call them and tell him which counselor he wants to see. STUPID! I think he's scared of what he's going to be told. So what I'm actually going to do is tell the insurance company it's for the both of us and that way I can set up the appointment to go.

[NowWhat]

Do you have any idea why he is so angry - in general? Did he have a rocky childhood or past relationship that ended badly? Is he happy with his work?
I know with our insurance - we can go wherever - but they do offer a "crisis" number. My husband called and told them what he was looking for and they set him up with a counselor for a free session. But he is free to go where ever he likes.
I understand your intentions were pure - you made a mistake and now you have to make a mends. I just don't understand why he is acting like this. It is as if he caught you cheating.
Like I have said before - lying is no way to go and it does break down trust - it's just that his reaction is so extreme. I just don't understand why.

[talaniman]

I think his reaction is one of hurt, and a fear of more to find out. For now until you have a chance to talk, I would not let my imagination go wild. Honest communication is needed, not speculations or assumptions, that's why I suspect he is gone, he is assuming the worst.

[notaliar]

Nowwhat and talaniman -
It's his childhood. Parents divorced when he was a child (5 or 8), his mother didn't want him to live with her; his father took responsibility for him, but was gone months out of the year because he was a fisherman. So, while his father was gone, he bounced from one relative's house to another. Never anything stable I guess. Pretty much on his own since the age of 9. I don't know much about his past relationships. The only thing I do know is about a few girlfriends back, my understanding was that she was a mean person. He was going to propose to her, but he said she started being mean to him so he broke off getting engaged.
He loves his work, but it's a little sketchy for the future. He works in the radio business which isn't doing too well right now.
I've been thinking the same thing - he reacted as though I told him I'm having an affair, or stole money, or have been gambling our rent and bill money. Spending money comes out of "our money," but when it comes to paying bills, he's got bills he's responsible for and I've got mine. He uses his paycheck to pay bills and I use mine, we don't really have a jar or bank account that we dump ALL the money into and take from there.