[NeedingAdvice]

I understand that you love her and that you want to try to make it work but at the same time you do not trust her. Honestly with two people working together, two people who had an affair together and two people being out together. Hmmm that I would question. I would also say if it happened before and they are in circumstances or situations where it could happen again or maybe it already did? How do you really know and there is no way of really finding out? Trust will take a long time to earn but she is not even making an effort. There most be other areas of work, other people she could work with to prove to you that she is doing her best to stay away from temptations. I agree, with allheart. This is being put on your shoulders and everybody is telling you, you should trust her.

Along with other people saying give her a second chanch, if you want and if she screws up then, say good bye. The question is do you think you will be able to build up that trust again. Is she worth it? These are questions you have to answer for yourself.

Best wishes for you bud.

Good luck and keep going to the couseling for both of you together and seperately is important.

Now I am sure a lot of things would be a lot easier on you if they were not working together. She is also giving you an ultimatem by saying you have to trust me or things will not move foward. She is right in a way but you can not force somebody to feel a certain way. She needs to understand this takes time and if she loses her patience then you know it is not going to work.

Joe

That is the thing... She is saying that it has been almost a year and I still feel this way. I can tell in her voice and the way she commuicates to me that she is on the edge. OH... She says all the time that I am the one in control (my feelings and how I decide to act on them) and that she would not leave me for him. And that our situation isn't about him. WHAT?

[mckenzie134]

I think you should trust her... and I believe the reason this may have happened in the first place was because of your insecurities. You can never blame yourself though she made the choice to do this. It may be hard but if you can cheat once you can do it again and again and again. If she was serious about mending the relationship she would cut all ties with this guy. She is just playing you for a fool.
\
I think you have to think if you had an affair with a lady aqnd then your wife new and you wanted her so much you would want to fix the marriage what is the first thing you would do... You would stop associating with the person you had the affair with. The only reason people keep speaking to them is because there is something there, sorry to be optomistic but don't now about that therapist saying trust her she did you over once this won't be the last time and I'm sure you feel that. Being the reason you can't trust her properly and that's understandable , They always say when someone cheats in arelationship[ they will do it again if given the chance and at the moment she has every opportunity and I tell you now this is the onlyt guy you know about.

Also if she really loved you and wanted to help she would not be in private with him...

WAKE UP... Tell her its over your best thing would be while she is in vegas pack up your stuff and get out make her wake your gone!! You're a man not a mouse this other bloke he couldn't give too shis what's going on that's why his in... Get out and she will learn and have to makea choice...

[NeedingAdvice]

I think you should trust her... and i believe the reason this may have happened in the first place was because of your insecurities. You can never blame yourself though she made the choice to do this. It may be hard but if you can cheat once you can do it again and again and again. If she was serious about mending the relationship she would cut all ties with this guy. She is just playing you for a fool.
\
I think you have to think if you had an affair with a lady aqnd then your wife new and you wanted her so much you would want to fix the marriage what is the first thing you would do...You would stop associating with the person you had the affair with. The only reason people keep speaking to them is because there is something there, sorry to be optomistic but dont now bout that therapist saying trust her she did you over once this wont be the last time and im sure you feel that. Being the reason you can't trust her properly and thats understandable , They always say when someone cheats in arelationship[ they will do it again if given the chance and at the moment she has every opportunity and i tell you now this is the onlyt guy you know about.

Also if she really loved you and wanted to help she would not be in private with him ...

WAKE UP... Tell her its over your best thing would be while she is in vegas pack up your stuff and get out make her wake ur gone!!!!!

She very well maybe playing me but why?

Trust me... I like the idea of her never seeing or talking to him again; however, #1 I will never know if that truly is the case #2 She can't change jobs.

Her excuse for being alone with him was:
1) We were in a croweded casino. -- Well they were in a bar in during the ordeal and they kissed there.
2) I should trust her that she will not hurt our marriage.
3) Because they were so close... she says it is hard to manage her topics of conversations with him either when they are by themselves or in a group setting. By giving her such a strict boundary she constantly thinks about him.

Yes, the something there is she tells me she is attrated to his personality. SHe says that is stupid for me to be worrying about anything. She says it is like if she was attracted to Brad Pitt... she isn't going to do anything.

Back in October when this all happened with her. She said she was ready to move out and she found comfort from this guy. She said that after she returned I convinced her to stay. She continues to say I want to make this work and she wants to be with my nobody else.

Do you still think Run?

[talaniman]

Do you still think Run?

No! You work on yourself and keep your eyes open. You can't just flip a switch and trust someone. They have to earn it for sure. If they can't, adios!! How long will it take? Till they earn it.

[Jiser]

Not fair on you. Ive been thinking about it! She had an affair with this man, there are other people she could work with I am sure? It is not an issue of you controlling her at all, this is your marriage and she should be working to save it. She should respect your insecurities by not working with this man any longer!

However bare in mind they might have both realized it was a mistake this fling and do not want it to affect their professional lives any more. Perhaps they have 'moved on' easier than you have?

Sorry kind of contradictory what I said ^

[Lillian42]

She needs to respect how you feel. You have lost your trust in her for a very good reason she needs to gain it back. If she does not respect you enough then I think maybe you need to do something. Honestly I think it is a little odd that your wife wants to spend time with him she should be focusing on rebuilding your trust. How would she feel in your shoes?

[NeedingAdvice]

So

[NeedingAdvice]

So she said today that if I don't start trusting her, than it's over!


She says she respects how I feel.

Today my therapist agreed with her that since we both agreed that she shouldn't quit that I have to trust that she will conduct herself in a way that won't affect our relationship.

Short of it... If I don't trust her she will leave.

Does she not respect me?

She says she doesn't want to be with him she wants to be with me.

My wife says it is only work nothing else

She says that ske is doing everything she can think of to rebuild my trust.

Am I crazy?

[JoeCanada76]

So she said today that if I don't start trusting her, than it's over!


She says she respects how I feel.

Today my therapist agreed with her that since we both agreed that she shouldn't quit that I have to trust that she will conduct herself in a way that won't affect our relationship.

Short of it... If I don't trust her she will leave.

Does she not respect me?

She says she doesn't want to be with him she wants to be with me.

My wife says it is only work nothing else

She says that ske is doing everything she can think of to rebuild my trust.

Am I crazy?

She is demanding your trust and that if you do not she will leave. She is looking for an easy way out and make you that bad guy in it all.

Sounds like a lot of smelly fish to me. I could completely be wrong but if she says she understands you that it will take time to rebuild that trust and in the same breath threaten that it is over if you do not trust her now.

What does this sound like to you?

I know what it sounds like to me.

Joe

[talaniman]

No, you are not crazy. She violated the marriage and you are the one bearing the brunt of it. You must make a decision and get it in your mind to come clean with your feelings. If she continues to be involved with this fellow on a non work related basis then how can she expect you to get over your trust issues? Not fair at all and you must make it clear that under those circumstances this will not work. She can't have her cake and eat it to, at your expense. Since you're the only one looking out for your concerns, make sure she knows how you feel. What are the other issues she complains about? Seems she does a lot of complaining and no changing. You may have to take a break to sort all of this out and gain strength to do what has to be done.

[talaniman]

agrees: I think for the sanity of this person, I think a permanent break may be best for him. She will just continue stringing him along or making him out to be the bad guy in all of this, which is not fair.

I think your right. It sucks from my point of view.

[Allheart]

Hi Needing -

Well, well. I have to tell you, that if it were I who betrayed and cheated on my husband, I believe, you can never say with 100% certainty until you are actually in that situation, but I do believe, I would do everything in my power to:

1) Let you know daily - maybe even hourly how very sorry I am. How I am beyond disbelief that I could do anything like that to you or our marriage.

2) Would steer so far away from the person I cheated with.

3) Would be as patient and understanding with you, actively attend counseling and make the marriage my #1 priority.

Now, everyone is different so it is not to say my way of how I believe I would handle the after affair is right, but just giving you a different view.

I am so with Tal and Joe on this one. I think a break, even if temporary, is in order. I do not think she has the full grasp of your feelings. She just doesn't appear to be getting it, that she broke her marriage vows, and in doing so, broke your trust in her.

She needs to take you and your feelings a little more seriously and start making your marriage a priority.

When she arrives back home, I would calmly sit her down and discuss the need for some temporary time apart. I have a feeling this may really be a bit of a shock for her and she may have a little fit (I could be wrong, but just a feeling I have), if this does happen, just maintain control and be firm. Let her know, that this time apart will allow things to settle a bit and hopefully some healing to begin.

As I stated earlier, I don't think she really understands how deeply this has cut you. She needs to start to understand what this has done to you and you need to heal on many levels. I think the best way, and as Tal has suggested, is for sometime apart.

Please be strong inside. Remind yourself that you did not cause this trauma to your marriage, you unfortunately have to deal with the after effects.

***If you do decide to speak to her about a temporary break - be sure and have a plan in pocket. Meaning, have a firm plan as to who should leave the house and take up temporary residence somewhere else. I fear if you don't have a plan, and she fires questions back at you, as to who, what and where?? And you don't have the answers, she will not think you are serious. So give this break some serious thought and planning. Okay? ***

What I am hoping with this little break, is that the light turns on in her head and heart as to what she has done to you and your marriage and that she chooses to work with you in saving your marriage.

We all are here for you and pulling for you!

[louie1]

Honest answer from someone who had the affair;

My husband and I tried to make it work for our children, after 6 months of on / off trust me / don't trust me , arguing like hell when we never argued before my husband said something to me that made me call an end to the whole sorry mess .

" I will never forgive what you did to me and you will never forget the passion you felt"

It was the hardest thing for him to say and the hardest thing for me to accept but he is right, for us there was no turning back.

[NowWhat]

I have been in your shoes. My husband and I are on the road to recovery from his affair.
He worked with the woman and saw her everyday. I had found out about things 2 years ago. Called him on it and he said he would stop. And for a long time, I believed he did. It still ate me up inside knowing that he was going to see her everyday. I even had to call up to his work once and she answered the phone. (he wasn't answering his cell) SHe made a comment like "you know how he is". I wanted to jump through the phone and ring her neck. Like, Don't tell me how my husband is.
Well, I found out at the beginning of this year that it was either still going on (never stopped) or it had started back up. I was devastated to say the very least.
I made some hard choices. Unpopular choices. I am glad I have. I can't say that I trust him 100% yet - because I don't. Is our marriage set to fail because of that. I hope not. Because, I don't believe trust can be won back over night.
The other woman in my situation has now left that job - which makes me feel better.

You have to heal in your own time. It is not an over night thing. Knowing that she is with him in a non work environment opens everything back up for you. And the fact that she is so arrogant about it - just get over it or else..! That isn't helping. Trust that I am being faithful because I say so. Well, you said you would be faithful in our vows - I trusted that and you broke your word then - who's to say that won't happen again.
She has to earn your trust - not demand it.
It seems to me that she has not owned up 100% to her wrong doing. She is still passing her guilt to you. Until she can own what she did - no one can get past it.
And for someone to say that this action or that action isn't a big deal - well, that isn't true. If she loves you and something bothers you - then it is a big deal.

Friend, I would honestly have to ask myself if I believe that this affair is over. From an outsiders prospective - I am guessing it is not. I am sorry to say that and it is probably something you don't want to hear. But, I know first hand how the guilty behave. And she is coming off pretty guilty.
Good luck to you. And if you ever want to talk about it with someone who has been in your shoes - I am available.

[Allheart]

My question is for you Louie - Do you understand how Needs wife is reacting. Is this because she is so wretched with guilt, that she just wants to put the whole thing behind her? Is the lack of trust that she feels from Needs, a constant reminder of what she has done to him and the marriage,

Hope you don't mind me asking - but I just am not understanding his wife's attitude with all of this.

[louie1]

My question is for you Louie - Do you understand how Needs wife is reacting. Is this because she is so wretched with guilt, that she just wants to put the whole thing behind her? Is the lack of trust that she feels from Needs, a constant reminder of what she has done to him and the marriage, ?

Hope you don't mind me asking - but I just am not understanding his wife's attitude with all of this.

You have hit the nail on the head!

It is incredibly hard to pull back from this and even now I cannot look my husband in the face, I use the excuse that in his anger he treated me badly burnt my clothes , slept with three other women but deep down I know it is because I took the first step in spoiling our marriage but then in defence it could not have been right in the first place otherwise I would never have looked elsewhere.

I also think a lot of it has to do with morals, I come from a broken home and had such morals myself of which "marriage forever" was one that I personally find very hard.

[Allheart]

Thanks for your honestly Louie - and I think it doesn't matter what side of the sword your on - it still hurts. (not sure what that means myself LOL ) I guess what I am trying to say is, I guess it doesn't really matter how the hurt began, everyone is effected and the pain is shared by all.

I just couldn't wrap my head around how his wife was reacting. If it were my hubby, I think I would be getting sick in the bathroom or crying myself simple or begging for his forgiveness for the hurt I caused him. But you just really don't know until you are in that situation how you really will react.

I really think the insight you shared as well as NowWhat will really help Needs a great deal.

My best to you.

[louie1]

You are so right everybody in the whole situation gets affected not only immediate family , but extended family and all friends.

When you are the " baddy" you just start to act reactive fighting everybody's reaction every day and just waiting to get to other end - I feel for them both I am a year on and in the throes of divorce and still feel that I am only half way there!

Interestingly enough my "ex husband" is all settled and living with his new lady while surprise surprise I am home alone.

They do say " what goes around comes around"

[NowWhat]

My sister had an affair about 9 or 10 years ago. I did not find out about it until after the first go around with my husband. I was shocked because it is so out of character for her and I had always looked up to what she and her husband appeared to have. Her husband is a good man, great husband and great father. He did not deserve this. Just like I did not deserve it and anyone that has been effected by an affair doesn't deserve it. Anyway...
She gave me a little insight of what she goes through on a daily basis being the one that stepped out.
She said that she tries to make things up to her husband everyday. By letting him know how much she loves him, how happy she is that he gave her a second chance. Doing things that let him know that she is trustworthy. SHE broke something and she feels it is up to her to fix it. She can never take for granted what she has - because of her actions - she almost lost everything. By the grace of God, she didn't.
I don't know if this makes sense to the original question - but I thought I would put it out there.

[NowWhat]

I have often said that an affair is like a bomb being set off on a busy street - it touches everyone.